Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza : Delivery of Doom (9781250008459)

by Yaccarino, Dan

  “Now you must stay with the cheese until it cools,” said Master Uno, walking away. “And remember—”

  “Yeah, yeah,” said Luno. “It’s all an illusion.”

  “Oh, I was actually going to say try not to freeze to death,” said Master Uno. “But let’s go with what you just said.”

  The cavern was cold and the cheese was still warm, so Luno snuggled up next to it and fell asleep.

  While he slept, the cheese slowly chilled, leaving Luno shivering, but a few hours later, a shaft of warm light from the rising suns fell on his face. Luno slowly floated up toward semiconsciousness.

  You already know what to do, Luno. His father’s voice echoed in his head. Now do it.

  Luno’s eyes popped open.

  Everything was clear.

  He knew that if he didn’t face Vlactron, he would spend the rest of his life hiding from him. Or worse, Vlactron would eventually find the Golden Anchovy and take over the galaxy forever.

  Luno knew that the only thing stopping him was fear and that was just an illusion, just like everything else.

  At least he really really hoped so.

  * * *

  “I think I understand now, Master Uno,” Luno said, entering the monastery, lugging the giant cheese. Master Uno, Clive, Chooch, and the monks stood up.

  “And what is that?” asked Master Uno.

  “I must separate the curds from the whey,” Luno said, struggling to put the cheese on the dining table. “And face Vlactron. My fear, just like everything else, is just an illusion.”

  “Your training is complete, young Zorgoochi,” announced Master Uno.

  Chooch jumped up and down and cheered, “Group hug!”

  Once Luno and everyone else were released from Chooch’s loving yet viselike hug, Luno asked, “So have I really learned the Whey of Life, Master Uno?”

  “What’re you asking me for?” said Master Uno. “I’m just an illusion.”

  Luno sighed.

  After a breakfast of (what else?) cheese, they descended the mountain.

  By the time they reached the foothills, Chooch had already eaten the ten-pound wheel of Gouda the monks had given him as a going-away gift and Clive had almost completed a new theory about the physics of cheese making.

  As they made their way to the delivery pod, Clive asked Master Uno if he and Luno and Chooch had traveled through the wormhole and found Formaggio2, then why hadn’t others?

  “Because no one would be stupid enough to fly straight into a black hole?” Nove asked.

  “For once, Nove,” said Master Uno, “you are correct.”

  Luno thought about this as they walked to the pod, but then stopped dead in his tracks.

  “The fan belt!” he said, smacking himself on the forehead. “I still have to fix it!”

  “Oh, I took care of that,” said Cinque.

  Confused, Luno turned to Master Uno.

  “I told you I didn’t know anything about engines.” Master Uno smiled. “I never said he didn’t.”

  After another one of Chooch’s painful group hugs, Luno climbed up to the hatch.

  “Say cheese!” said Otto.

  Luno looked around for a camera, but no one was holding one.

  “Oh, we just like saying cheese!” explained Otto.

  “CHEESE!” everyone shouted.

  Luno stopped himself as he was climbing into the pod.

  “Wait a minute!” Luno called to Master Uno. “I got here through a wormhole. I have no idea how to get back!”

  “The appropriate course to take would be back through the same wormhole,” said Clive.

  “And so you shall!” announced Master Uno. “The boys and I are going to open it for you.”

  “How are you able to create a hole in the spacetime continuum?” Clive asked.

  “By performing Tele-Swiss-Kinesis,” said Due.

  “How do you think we make the holes in Swiss cheese? It’s all mind over Muenster,” Master Uno said. “Now buckle up!”

  Once Clive and Chooch bid the monks good-bye and were all in the delivery pod, Luno popped his head out before closing the hatch and waved.

  “Remember, young Zorgoochi, it’s all an illusion,” said Master Uno. “But then again, I could be entirely wrong!”

  Luno sighed, closed the hatch, and watched the Mozzarella Monks through the windshield as they sat in a circle cross-legged on the ground with their eyes closed.

  Suddenly, the sky grew dark and the wind kicked up, blowing Master Uno’s beard sideways. Luno, Clive, and Chooch buckled their seat belts as a massive black hole began to form right above them.

  They lifted off and Luno aimed the delivery pod straight into the wormhole.

  Then everything went black.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Have an Ice Day!

  Luno woke to the sharp ping of Quantum delivery ships’ fire ricocheting off the delivery pod.

  “Quantum ship at 6:15!” Chooch shouted.

  Luno looked down at the clock and sure enough it was 6:15, not only the same date they entered the wormhole, but the exact same time as well! Master Uno was right. It took no time at all.

  Luno had to shake those Quantum ships off his tail, so there wasn’t time to contemplate the weirdness of the universe. A convenient cosmic cloudbank lay ahead, so with Master Uno’s Sometimes the better part of valor is discretion ringing in his ears, Luno leaned forward and flew straight into it.

  The cloudbank’s molecular density increased the deeper Luno flew, and the deeper he flew, the fewer Quantum ships followed, until he couldn’t see any more following him. Luno figured that they had better things to do, like dominating the galaxy, rather than chasing him.

  Luno decided to wait awhile before heading off to Planet Freezorg, his last delivery. Through the cosmic mist, he saw vague silhouettes slowly moving about. Were they vicious space sharks about to go in for the kill? A collection of intelligent particles that ate pizza delivery boys? Space mirages?

  He carefully navigated through the dense fog guided only by the pod’s instruments, which was difficult enough, but made more so by Chooch clutching Luno’s legs in panic, muttering something about his seat cushion also being a flotation device. Also distracting was Clive’s dissertation on particle density, which he dryly delivered, completely unaware of the potential dangers surrounding them.

  As the pod crept forward, the mist thinned and the shapes became clear. Luno saw that they weren’t ferocious creatures after all. They were just delivery ships from other family-owned pizzerias, like Zorgoochi’s—Famous Fazul’s, Mezzaluna, and di Mension, among others—and they were doing the same thing he was doing: hiding from Quantum Pizza.

  Then it dawned on Luno. Vlactron wasn’t trying to just run Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza out of business, he was trying to run all pizzerias out of business, so Quantum would be the only one left in the entire galaxy. Maybe even the universe!

  Luno decided he’d hidden in the cloudbank long enough. He had to make that third delivery or his father would clobber him, so he shifted the pod into gear and started making his way out onto the main spaceway.

  “Hey,” said Chooch, “they’re following us!”

  Luno looked at the rearview screen and gulped hard. Sure enough, the other ships were lining up behind him as if he were bravely leading them into battle against Vlactron for the freedom of pizza in the galaxy. Luno’s epiphany of separating himself from his fears he had back on Formaggio2 quickly evaporated and the threat from Quantum didn’t feel at all like an illusion, but very real. He suddenly felt weak, small, and afraid.

  Once he was positive there were no Quantum ships around, Luno slammed down on the accelerator, and left the other ships in the cosmic dust.

  * * *

  Luno’s train of thought was suddenly derailed by a nudge from Chooch’s big metal elbow.

  “Oooh!” Chooch shouted, pointing out the windshield at the glistening white sphere in the distance. “Look at the giant snowball!”
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br />   “That’s not a snowball,” Luno said, squinting. “It’s Planet Freezorg.”

  “You are both right,” said Clive. “Freezorg is indeed a planet, but made entirely of snow and ice.”

  Within moments, they were zooming over the icy wasteland looking for a place to land. As they cleared a frozen mountain peak, Luno saw in the distance that, once again, a Quantum delivery ship was taking off having already intercepted the order.

  Beaten out of another delivery!

  Luno drew a big sigh as he touched down on Planet Freezorg’s frozen surface.

  Soon Luno, Clive, and Chooch were forging across the barren tundra to find the person who ordered the pizza. “I gotta get paid for this delivery.”

  Luno looked around at the miles of frozen nothingness in every direction. He could see his sigh rise up in a little cloud of steam. Meanwhile Clive calculated precisely how long it would take for them to freeze to death.

  “Hellooo!” Luno shouted.

  Suddenly, the snow began to rumble and crack beneath their feet! Then a hunk of ice rose up, forming into a towering ice creature!

  “Hey, man,” said the ice creature, bending down and straightening his frozen glasses to get a good look at Luno. “Who are you?”

  “I’m Luno from Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza with a large pizza for”—Luno squinted at the receipt—“Frosto Snowski?”

  “Hey, gang!” Frosto shouted. “It’s another pizza guy!”

  The ground trembled and three more ice creatures rose up from the ground.

  Frosto explained that their pizza had already been delivered. By Quantum.

  After being chased, shot at, nearly eaten by giant mushroom creatures, almost burned to a crisp, and nearly drowned in a caldron of cheese curds, Luno did the only logical thing he could think of.

  He cried.

  As Luno sat on the frozen ground and sobbed, he told the Freezorgs that it was his first day as a delivery boy for his family’s pizzeria and how Quantum Pizza had been beating him to all of his deliveries. He messed up the first two and was pretty sure his dad would be mad at him for not getting paid and never trust him again and would not only have to make the pizzas, but deliver them, too, and after 200 years, Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza would probably go out of business and it would be all his fault and … and …

  The Freezorgs felt sorry for Luno so they gave him a hug, but because of Luno’s tears, they all stuck together like a wet tongue on an ice cube.

  Even though he wasn’t made out of ice, the Freezorgs liked Luno and agreed to pay for the pizza. Luno thanked them. One payment was better than none.

  Then Frosto introduced Luno to his chilly chums Snowy Joey, Floe, and Sheldon, who all started chanting, “Piz-za! Piz-za! Piz-za!” They twitched, jumped, and waved their arms, which Luno took to be dancing.

  Luno opened Chooch’s oven, sending out a blast of heat. He handed Frosto the pizza, but before he could take it, Frosto’s hands began to melt and within moments, he was a soupy puddle, then a cloud of steam.

  Before the rest of the Freezorgs could turn to slush, Luno quickly slammed Chooch’s oven door shut.

  “Sorry about that,” Luno said sheepishly.

  “I guess I forgot to tell you the pizza should’ve been frozen,” said Frosto, as he refroze back into his former frosty self.

  Luno handed the now-cold pizza to Frosto, who paid him with a handful of little frozen coins. Luno gratefully put them in his pocket.

  “You know what would cheer you up?” Floe asked. “A snowball fight!”

  The Freezorgs cheered, “Snowball fight! Snowball fight!”

  “No thanks,” Luno said. “I really should get back to the pizzeria.”

  “C’mon!” said Snowy Joey. “Don’t be a slush-a-roo!”

  No matter how many times they called Luno a slush-a-roo, Luno refused to join in on the fun, so the Freezorgs went off to have a snowball fight without him.

  Luno turned and started back to the delivery pod. “C’mon, guys, lets—”

  But turned to see Chooch happily running off with the Freezorgs.

  Great.

  “Pardon me, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive. “I would like to conduct a scientific study of this ‘snowball fight.’”

  Luno sighed. Okay, but just for a minute!

  He watched as they all had a blast throwing snowballs at one another. Even Clive had a good time. Well, as much as a super-intelligent gamma-ray-infused mutant bulb of garlic could, calculating the average weight and velocity of each snowball.

  Meanwhile, Luno got colder and colder waiting for them.

  Luno cracked off a frozen drip from the end of his nose. He could barely feel his hands as he rubbed them together. His feet felt like two blocks of ice. He was shivering and his eyebrows were starting to freeze, reminding him of the time Roog locked him in the freezer and how moving around had made him warmer. He didn’t want to admit it, but he wished he’d listened to his mother and brought a sweater.

  Luno decided to join in the snowball fight, but only as a means of survival.

  “Hey, dudes!” Frosto shouted as Luno walked up. “Look who decided to finally join us!”

  Fzzzooom!

  Three glistening snowballs zoomed right toward Luno’s head! He ducked the same way he ducked Roog throwing imperfect meatballs at him.

  Luno ran as fast as he could to the safety of Chooch’s fort as snowballs whizzed past his ears.

  Calling on his meatball-making abilities, Luno showed Chooch how to make the perfect snowball by packing it super tight and perfectly round. Then he demonstrated the best way to throw it by pulling his arm way back before he stood up, so he’d be vulnerable to attack only for a split second.

  Thwack!

  It worked! Sheldon got it right between the eyes and fell over giggling.

  Luno pelted the Freezorgs with an armful of snowballs as he deftly dodged more snowballs coming at him from all directions. Clive followed close behind, pecking away at his little device, making a thorough analysis of the geometric dimensions of the spheres of sub-32-degree H2O flying over his head.

  Snow flew everywhere and soon Luno flopped backward, sweating, panting, and giggling.

  “Snow angels!” Floe shouted as she fell back and waved her arms and legs. They all agreed that Chooch’s was the best snow angel they’d ever seen. Clive took a holograph for further study.

  “Who wants to go home and have some pizza?” asked Frosto.

  Luno looked around at the frozen wasteland.

  “Where’s home?” he asked.

  “It’s right here,” said Frosto. “Watch!”

  All four Freezorgs stood in a big circle and raised their arms. The ground rumbled and massive hunks of snow shot out from the ground, creating an icy cloud.

  After a few moments, the swirling mist lifted, revealing a giant complex, glistening structure. It was the most beautiful thing Luno had ever seen.

  “C’mon in!” called Frosto.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Three Stages of Matter Really Matter

  “This is the coolest place ever!” Luno said as they all walked into the giant glittering construction.

  “It’s so pretty!” said Chooch.

  “It is the most exquisite star tetrahedron I’ve ever seen,” said Clive, who knew a good polygon when he saw one.

  Floe hung an ice disco ball, Snowy Joey passed out snow cones, and Sheldon cranked up the groovy tunes. The Freezorgs twitched, jumped, and waved their arms and Luno was pretty sure they were dancing. They weren’t very good, but it didn’t seem to bother them. In fact, they were all having such a good time, Chooch joined in and did The Robot. Sheldon did The Swim, but got seasick.

  “It is getting late, Mr. Zorgoochi,” Clive shouted over the music. “We should leave.”

  Luno couldn’t hear him; he was too busy twitching, jumping, and waving his arms around with the rest of them. He wasn’t a very good dancer, either.

  “Who wants pizza?” someone
shouted and they all thought it was the best idea ever. The Freezorgs gave one another high-fives. Unfortunately, most of them missed and smacked one another on the head, but they didn’t seem to care.

  Sheldon walked up carrying the frozen pizza and some sort of gadget, made of snow, just like everything else on Freezorg. He put the pizza inside it and pressed a button.

  “What is this?” Luno asked, peering into the little window and watching the pizza turn round and round.

  “It’s a macrowave,” Frosto explained. “Microwaves excite molecules and make stuff hot, well, this slows them down and makes stuff ice cold!”

  Ping!

  Frosto pulled out the pizza and cracked off a slice for everyone. Luno bit into a piece, almost breaking a tooth.

  “This place is incredible,” said Luno through a mouthful of frozen pizza, looking up at the glistening crystal structure overhead.

  Then he noticed what time it was and all the frosty fun he just had seemed to melt away. Luno had made his deliveries and it was time to head back to the pizzeria.

  They reluctantly made their way to the delivery pod.

  Then Luno climbed up onto the wing.

  “Well,” Luno said awkwardly. “I guess I’ll see you guys around.”

  The Freezorgs shouted good-bye and invited them to come back real soon. Luno smiled and thanked them for paying for the pizza.

  He climbed into the pod, but then popped his head back out.

  “And thanks for a great time.”

  Luno closed the hatch, slid into the driver’s seat, and switched on the engine. As he ground the pod into gear and lifted off, Luno looked at the rearview screen and watched the Freezorgs frantically waving.

  As they got smaller and smaller, Luno thought about how mad his father was going to be when he told him he only got paid for one pizza. If it was possible, Luno’s brow knitted even more when he thought of Vlactron.

  Should I tell Dad? Should I do nothing? Should I—

  “Fifteen minutes until impact,” Clive muttered to himself as he pecked away at his device.