Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza : Delivery of Doom (9781250008459)

by Yaccarino, Dan

  Luno’s efforts to pilot were overridden by a tractor beam, which guided the pod toward the center of the bay. No longer having to steer, Luno and his crew gaped wide-eyed through the windshield at the interior of the mammoth freighter.

  Thousands of delivery ships buzzed about in synchronized precision, all delivering pizza to the outer reaches of the galaxy. Luno looked up, but couldn’t see an end to the rows and rows of windows, shipping bays, and who knew what else high above them. It seemed to go on forever. A network of glass tubes flowing with tomato sauce and gleaming metal pipes pumping out chemical waste covered the walls like ivy, and in the distance, hundreds, or possibly thousands, of workers scurried about.

  All of this just to make pizza, Luno thought.

  Then he thought about his family’s pizzeria and how there was just himself, his parents, and Roog, who did all the cooking, cleaning, delivering, and everything else to keep the pizzeria going. They had one kitchen and one delivery pod held together with parts from the washing machine, lots of glue, and a few prayers. It all seemed so broken-down, cobbled together, and pathetically small. For the first time in his life, Luno started to feel ashamed of Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza.

  Clunk!

  The delivery pod touched down.

  As Luno made his way up the ladder, he felt Roog slip the jar into his pocket.

  “Dunt forget dis.”

  Luno then climbed up, opened the hatch, and peeked out.

  “Come out with your hands up!” the Quantum Guard general shouted. “The two of you!”

  “Um, there’s actually four of us,” said Luno as he descended the side of the pod, followed by Roog, then Clive and Chooch.

  They found themselves completely surrounded by a dozen uniformed Reptilicon guards wearing helmets and boots, and carrying weapons that looked kind of like pizza cutters with very long handles.

  “I’m Luno Zorgoochi and this is—” Luno started.

  “We know who you two are,” snarled the Quantum Guard general. “What are they?”

  “This is Clive and this is Chooch,” Luno said.

  “I didn’t ask you who are they,” the Quantum Guard general barked. “I asked you what are they!”

  “My friends?” Luno asked, terrified of giving a wrong answer.

  Roog explained to the impatient general that Clive was essentially vegetable matter and Chooch was a robot, and that Luno had created them both.

  The Quantum Guard general grunted, then explained that the mother ship’s scanners only detected sophisticated life-forms like aliens and humans, not lower forms like vegetables and robots, which was why he thought there were just the two of them in the pod.

  Even though scary-looking armed aliens surrounded him and the Quantum Guard general could no doubt snap his head off like twisting open a bottle, Luno had to stop himself from telling him off for calling his friends “lower life-forms.”

  “You two,” the Quantum Guard general said, motioning to Luno and Roog with his weapon, “come with me.”

  “Yes, sir, General Zope!” replied the lieutenant general.

  General Zope then told Lieutenant General Bomo to escort the vegetable and the robot to a holding facility. Hearing this, Chooch started bawling “Noooo!” and wrapped his arms around Luno, refusing to let go.

  “It’s okay, Chooch!” Luno shouted over Chooch’s blubbering. “I won’t be long. I promise!”

  It took five guards to pry Luno loose and hold Chooch back, but he wouldn’t stop crying. Then a guard jabbed Chooch with one of the pizza-cutter weapons, giving him an electric shock. Entirely rattled, Chooch began to fall apart.

  As General Zope shoved Luno and Roog onto a hovering transport vehicle, Luno looked back and saw Clive helping Chooch put his pieces back together.

  Chooch looked sadly at Luno and waved, then his hand fell off.

  Luno drew a deep breath and focused on why he was here: to get Dad back. He placed his hand on his pocket just to make sure the jar was still there and breathed a small sigh of relief as he felt the Golden Anchovy swimming around.

  As soon as they boarded the hovering transporter, Luno and Roog were whisked to the uppermost reaches of the ship. Level after level whizzed by, and soon, they were being pushed down a long dark corridor with a giant black door at the end, flanked by two very large and very mean-looking Mutant Calamari.

  “We have the human Zorgoochi and his companion,” General Zope announced and the Calamari mutely opened the door and stepped aside.

  Luno was shoved in first, then Roog.

  Luno found himself standing in the center of Vlactron’s crimson lair. It was dark and dank and the stone walls seemed to sweat blood. Scattered about the room were skeletons and exoskeletons of various alien species mounted like trophies.

  “Admiring my collection, Illuminato?” a soft voice asked.

  Luno searched the dim room for the source and at the far end saw Vlactron seated on a high ornate throne tended to by several servants of some kind of insect species.

  Luno slowly approached and Roog silently followed. As he drew closer, Luno could see that the throne was made of petrified limbs and appendages of different alien creatures.

  “There is one from each and every race I’ve had to unavoidably eliminate.” Vlactron gestured to the mounted skeletons. “They serve as a reminder to me that blood sometimes must be spilled in order to achieve great things. The greater the achievement, the more blood required.”

  Luno wanted to both collapse into a small heap on the floor and bolt for the door at the same time, yet he did neither. He just stood there, silent, standing his ground.

  “You look familiar, but then again, all of you humans look alike to me,” Vlactron said, examining Luno. “And although I’ve eliminated most of your kind throughout the Mezzaluna Galaxy, I don’t have a human skeleton. You see, I haven’t been able to eliminate them all, as evidenced by your presence here,” Vlactron continued. “You humans are like insects. Even if you step on every one you see, there always seems to be more.”

  Vlactron then casually lifted his giant boot and, with one swift, violent move, brought it down on an unsuspecting servant, creating a sickening crunch.

  Luno swallowed hard as the remains were quickly and quietly removed.

  “Like these Anthropods, here,” Vlactron said, gesturing to the scurrying insects. “There are entirely too many of them to exterminate, though I tried, so instead we’ve come to an agreement and now they work for me. However, you humans don’t seem to be capable of seeing the wisdom of this arrangement, which leaves me little choice in what to do with you.”

  Luno gathered every ounce of courage and tried to sound brave, but his voice decided to crack at that very moment.

  “I want my father.”

  “Oh, so you do speak,” said Vlactron, grinning. “Well, we all want something, don’t we, Illuminato? You want your father and I want the Golden Anchovy.”

  Vlactron stood up and Roog stepped back, but either out of courage or fear—he wasn’t sure which—Luno didn’t move a muscle. The insect servants scuttled into the shadows as their master slowly descended the throne, strode up to Luno, and towered over him.

  “I was willing to wait over 200 years for the Golden Anchovy because I understood that above all, patience was what was required. You humans know nothing of patience with your short, pointless little lives. Reptilicons like me and this Crustacos here, we live much longer,” Vlactron said, pointing at Roog.

  Roog looked down.

  “It’s taken half my life span, but Quantum has gained almost total control over pizza in the Mezzaluna Galaxy,” Vlactron continued. “And now with the Golden Anchovy, I will rule the universe!”

  “Solaro used the Golden Anchovy to help the universe, not rule over it,” Luno squeaked. “The Golden Anchovy is for good.”

  “A typical human sentiment!” Vlactron said as he sat down on his throne. “I’ve waited year after year for a Zorgoochi who would be able to find the
Golden Anchovy for me and now here you are.”

  Even in the midst of the most terrifying moment of his life, a question couldn’t help but pop into Luno’s head and out his mouth.

  “But how did you know I would be the one?”

  Vlactron grinned deeply and gestured for Roog, who climbed up to the throne and stood at Vlactron’s side.

  “Why, my old friend Roog here told me.” Vlactron smiled, placing a claw on Roog’s shoulder. “He’s been watching over you and your family for two centuries, waiting for an heir who would someday find the Golden Anchovy, and when he saw that you were capable, he informed me. Thank you, old friend, and thank you, Illuminato, for finding this treasure.”

  Luno felt as if he were falling. He couldn’t breathe. He looked up at Roog, but Roog just looked away.

  “Now, Illuminato Zorgoochi, give me what is rightfully mine,” Vlactron commanded. “Give me the Golden Anchovy.”

  Luno’s head spun as he unstuck his feet from the floor and forced himself to march to Vlactron’s throne. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the jar. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the Golden Anchovy.

  “Bow,” Vlactron whispered, licking his lips.

  Luno clamped his eyes shut, bent his head, and handed the jar to Vlactron. Luno could hear an almost inaudible gasp as the alien took it and clutched it to his chest.

  Then Luno straightened up and said, “Now for your part of the agreement, Vlactron! I want my dad.”

  Vlactron looked straight into Luno’s eyes and without expression shouted, “Calamari!”

  Luno’s stomach dropped.

  The doors burst open and two large Mutant Calamari shuffled in and wrapped their tentacles around Luno’s arms.

  “Take him to the stockade with the others until further orders,” Vlactron said, transfixed by the jar.

  “But you zed vunce you get anchowy, you vould let dem go,” Roog said to Vlactron.

  “Well, I changed my mind,” Vlactron replied. “You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for those filthy creatures, would you, Roog?”

  “Uff courz nut!” Roog sputtered, and shook his head.

  As the Calamari led him out the door, Luno turned back to Roog, but he cast his eyes downward once more.

  “If I decide to let you live, Illuminato,” Vlactron called, not looking away from the Golden Anchovy, “perhaps we’ll put that sensitive nose of yours into service for Quantum Pizza and use you as my personal food tester.”

  Vlactron was so transfixed by the small fish circling the jar, he hardly noticed the doors clanking shut. As he stared hypnotically at the fish lazily swimming in the jar in his hand, he revealed to Roog that he had an older brother named Rexrong whom he never knew since he went off to fight in the One Thousand Year Space War and was killed. Rexrong’s personal belongings were shipped to his family and among them were several documents about the Golden Anchovy, something his brother appeared to be obsessed with.

  “I spent my youth mostly alone on Reptilicus, finding solace in the legend and lore of the mythical Golden Anchovy,” Vlactron said, almost as if talking to himself. “I read everything I could find about this divine creature, which gave power and guidance for one to achieve their truest desires, but when I learned it was real and that an undeserving human named Zorgoochi not only possessed it, but was wasting its powers, I knew it was destiny for it to be mine, so I apprenticed under him and spent years slowly building his trust only to be denied!”

  “I know, Rex Wlactron,” Roog grunted.

  “So I left to build my own empire,” Vlactron said, still staring at the tiny fish. “My rise to power was steady and strong, as if the hand of the universe cleared a path for my success. It was almost too easy.”

  He then stood up and examined the Golden Anchovy in a dim shaft of light.

  “But by then, the Golden Anchovy’s hiding place was lost to time, so I waited for the Zorgoochi heir to find it for me,” Vlactron said, turning the jar in the light. “Within that time, I transformed myself from an undisciplined youth to a confident and determined adult with the biggest, most-powerful pizzeria chain in the Mezzaluna Galaxy.”

  Vlactron removed his glove, grasped the lid of the jar, and began unscrewing it.

  “And now I will show the universe the Golden Anchovy’s true strength with my grand vision!” bellowed Vlactron. “Upon my touch, the Golden Anchovy will be my guide and protector in fulfilling my life’s purpose: total galactic domination of pizza.”

  But before he lifted the lid, Roog put out a claw to stop him.

  “But, Rex Wlactron, you haff destroyed almost all udder pizzeria, and now dat Zorgoochis haff been ruined, the rest vill follow,” Roog said. “Even vithout using Golden Anchowy, you are now undisputed pizza master of Mezzaluna Galaxy.”

  “Go on,” Vlactron said, leaning back.

  “As long as you possess it, there vill be no vun more poverful den you and now dat you haff Golden Anchowy, no vun else can have it,” Roog explained. “You haff taught me wirture uff patience, Rex Wlactron, zo perhaps vait until day vhen eet ees truly needed.”

  Vlactron considered Roog’s suggestion as he screwed the lid back on.

  “Zorgoochis are poverless now, Rex Wlactron,” said Roog. “Let dem go.”

  Vlactron looked into Roog’s eyes and without expression shouted, “Calamari!”

  The doors burst open and two large Mutant Calamari shuffled in and wrapped their tentacles around Roog.

  “Vhat are you do-ink?” Roog growled. “I haff been loyal servant for two century!”

  “Yes, and you’ve served me well, but now your function is complete,” said Vlactron. “And although you may have developed human-like emotions for those creatures, what is more disturbing is my suspicion of your allegiance.”

  “But I deliwer Golden Anchowy!” Roog shouted.

  Vlactron gently smiled down at Roog as he struggled against the iron grip of the Mutant Calamari. As strong as he was, he couldn’t break free.

  “You, my old friend, are the very last one alive in the universe who actually knows that I apprenticed under Solaro Zorgoochi,” Vlactron explained. “And once you’ve been disposed of, as well as the human race, there will be no one left to dispute that I was the sole inventor of pizza and not some lowly human.”

  “But I vill tell no vun!” Roog said, but Vlactron was unmoved.

  “Take him to the stockade,” Vlactron said. “And tell our head chef that for tomorrow’s dinner I’d like a delicious broiled Crustaco with a side of drawn butter. But he must be sure to remove the metal claw first.”

  The Calamari dragged a kicking and screaming Roog away. The doors slammed shut.

  “Hello, Uncle,” a voice called from across the room.

  Vlactron turned to see a small adolescent female Reptilicon walking toward him.

  “Oh, hello, Elvina,” Vlactron grumbled and turned his back to her.

  Elvina marched up to the throne, snatched the jar out of Vlactron’s hand, and examined it closely.

  “What’s this?” she asked, squinting into the jar.

  Vlactron seethed with anger, but drew a deep breath and gently took the jar back.

  “It is the Golden Anchovy,” said Vlactron. “The most powerful pizza topping in the universe.”

  “Well, it doesn’t look very golden.” She looked at it again, tapping the jar. “Where did you get it?”

  Vlactron explained that it was given to him as a gift from a boy named Luno Zorgoochi, who greatly admired and respected him.

  “You should follow his example,” Vlactron growled.

  “And I’m sure he gave it to you willingly,” she said sarcastically. “And that you didn’t torture him or murder his family to get it.”

  “I have exterminated entire species for less insolence!” Vlactron shouted into Elvina’s face. “May I remind you that you suddenly appeared at my doorstep with nowhere else to go, years after my brother was killed, and I took you in out of obligation to my family!
I raised you as my own and for that you should be grateful and show me respect!”

  “I HATE you!” Elvina screamed back at him and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut, with a noise that echoed throughout the corridors.

  * * *

  Luno hardly noticed the echo of a far-off door slam as he was pushed onto the hovering transporter by the Mutant Calamari.

  The way down was a lot quicker than the way up, and within moments, he was shoved off the transporter and led through the lower decks of the Quantum mother ship, past rows and rows of barred cells. They stopped at one and the doors automatically opened. He was pushed in. The bars clanked shut.

  “Can we go home now, Luno?” asked Chooch.

  “I agree with Chooch, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive. “I believe I have gathered enough data and I am ready to leave.”

  Luno ran over and hugged Clive and Chooch as hard as he could. He was never happier to see anyone more in his life, even if it was a super-intelligent gamma-ray-infused mutant bulb of garlic and a 32-galactic-ton whiney pizza oven.

  Luno explained what happened, but more importantly, about Roog.

  “Not only did I just hand over the most powerful pizza topping in the universe to the most evil alien in the galaxy, but I didn’t even save Dad,” Luno sighed. “And to top it all off, I got us thrown in here. I’m so stupid!”

  “It’s okay, Luno,” said Chooch. “It’s all water under the fridge. We still love you!”

  Once again, Chooch locked Luno and Clive in a bone-crushing group hug.

  “Break it up, you guys!” a guard snarled as he slid a pizza under the bars. “Here’s your dinner: one large Quantum pizza!”

  Luno squirmed out of Chooch’s embrace and angrily grabbed the pizza.

  “You know where this belongs?” Luno shouted as he yanked open a small door on the wall and shoved the pizza into it. “In the incinerator!”

  “Suit yourself,” said the guard as he shook his head and walked away.

  “It is not an incinerator, Mr. Zorgoochi,” said Clive.

  “Huh?” Luno asked, furiously pacing the room.