Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza : Delivery of Doom (9781250008459)

by Yaccarino, Dan

  “Why did I marry into this crazy family?” She sighed, shaking her head. She pulled down hard on the handle, which immediately caused a low decibel hum to pulsate throughout the room.

  “Look,” she said, pointing up through the giant hole in the ceiling to the roof of the pizzeria.

  The large coiled antenna perched on the very top of Zorgoochi Intergalactic Pizza glowed in time to the throbbing hum. Connie explained to Clive and Chooch that right at this very moment, a secret sub-radar signal invented by great-great-great-aunt Genia Zorgoochi, was being beamed to antennas atop the other Pizza Pyramid pizzerias throughout the spiral arm of the Mezzaluna Galaxy. The pizzerias were now officially on Super Spicy Alert for the first time since the dark days of the Great Pizza War of Deep Dish vs. Thin Crust.

  The signal was used to announce the current state of pizza in the galaxy, as well as summon the Pizza Pyramid members, but being that all of them were now slaving away in the Quantum kitchens, it was the members’ spouses and children, the junior members, who answered the call and who were assembled on the roof of the pizzeria a few hours later.

  “I can’t believe they actually captured him!” said Tony Galattico as he and several of the Junior Pyramid members boarded the massive trash barge hovering over the pizzeria.

  “Yeah!” Frankie Fazul Jr. replied. “I never thought Vlactron could! I mean, he’s Luno Zorgoochi!”

  Concetta Cosmo agreed, stating that the guy was, like, invincible. Then she turned to Zoola Zeta, who was quietly shuffling along behind them, head cast down. Concetta barked at her to get a move on. Zoola looked up, snapping out of her funk, and picked up the pace.

  The kids and their remaining parents, about three dozen in all, were safely aboard the barge. Since the automatic functions were turned off, Chooch had to manually pull up the heavy gangplank himself and once it clanked shut, he gave Clive the thumbs-up.

  It was a long, tense journey to the Baccala Nebula, where the Quantum mother ship was moored. Chooch rocked back and forth, hugging the Luno Bot, muttering, “A life vest is located under your seat. When instructed to do so, slip it over your head, and then pass the straps around your waist and…”

  This did not help the morale of the already-terrified adults and children, who certainly had every reason to be scared. They were just regular people trained to make pizza, not do battle with an intergalactic tyrant bent on taking over the galaxy.

  The boys and girls sat grimly silent, holding back their tears as Connie, who was a Zorgoochi, but only through marriage, assumed leadership and told them that ever since Vlactron kidnapped the Pyramid, Quantum has pretty much been the only pizza available in the spiral arm of the Mezzaluna Galaxy.

  “If we don’t fight back,” she declared, “Vlactron will take over the rest of the galaxy with that artificial pizza of his and eventually the universe and we’re not going to let that happen, are we?”

  They all immediately stood up and shouted “NO!”

  Then everyone recited the Pizza Pyramid Pledge: “We solemnly swear to make the best pizza, use only the freshest ingredients, and be a beacon of what is good and wholesome in the galaxy. PAX, AMORIS, PIZZA!”

  The cabin was suddenly charged with the spirit to bravely fight for the two things they loved most in the universe: their family and pizza!

  And they would need that bravery, too, because all they had to fight with was what they had to cook with: pizza cutters, large pizza paddles, ladles, pots, pans, etc.

  Clive then gave an unnecessarily long-winded description of the layout of the Quantum mother ship, which was interrupted by Chooch, who assured them they had an ally in the small, but brave maintenance crew, the Arthropods. Then he asked if there was any pizza left because he was getting kind of hungry.

  “Based upon our previous experience with Quantum,” Clive said to Connie as they entered the Baccala Nebula and were drawing closer to the mother ship, “I was anticipating we would be required to have security clearance, but it appears for some reason, we do not.”

  The trash barge easily flew through the entranceway to the receiving bay and was soon touching down.

  Chooch lowered the gangplank and then he and Clive hesitantly peeked out of the doorway. Chooch fearfully squeezed the Luno Bot.

  “Not to worry, my comrades,” Xoboz said, marching up the ramp with a confident snap in his step. “Vlactron’s guards don’t come down to the rubbish sector, especially for a routine porting of a trash barge.”

  Then Connie appeared in the doorway and Chooch introduced her as Luno’s mother.

  “It will be our honor to serve the most respected family in galactic pizza, Madame Zorgoochi!” Xoboz said, bowing deeply.

  As they descended the gangplank, Xoboz told Clive and Chooch that after he and the Arthropods helped them escape the mother ship, it dawned on him that there were over 5,000 Arthropods, but only about 1,000 guards, yet the Quantum guards ruled over them.

  “But that does not make sense,” Clive said.

  “Exactly!” Xoboz shouted. “Thanks to you two noble warriors, I remembered that I was once a great leader to my people!”

  Xoboz then gestured to his Arthropod maintenance crew now assembled in neat military rows before them, all proudly holding cleaning tools fashioned into weapons, ready for battle.

  “I also remembered what a brave and powerful race we Arthropods are!” Xoboz said proudly, to which the Arthropods raised their weapons over their heads in perfect unison.

  Connie asked Xoboz what his plan was to rescue the Pizza Pyramid.

  “I knew I forgot something,” Xoboz said, scratching his head.

  Connie Zorgoochi smacked her forehead, rolled her eyes, and muttered, “Do I have to do everything myself?”

  She looked around and spotted the Luno Bot that Chooch was holding and got an idea.

  * * *

  Right at that very moment in a cell several levels below, Luno was curled up on his bunk. He wasn’t quite sleeping, but not quite awake either, just slowly sinking into a sea of despair and hopelessness. He began to sink even deeper when—

  Screeeeeeek!

  The sound of metal scraping against metal brought Luno back up to the surface of his consciousness.

  He opened his eyes and squinted, then sat up and blinked. It looked like the cell door had opened. He blinked a few more times and stared dumbly for a few more seconds before it sank in. The cell door was open.

  He walked over and peeked out. The hallway was empty. Was this a trap? He didn’t care. He might as well die trying to escape. For all he knew, his dad, mom, and everyone else could be dead by now anyway.

  As Luno crept down the hall, he heard the echo of several more cell doors creak open, and to his surprise, other pizza delivery boys, girls, aliens, and robots cautiously peeked out.

  “It’s okay,” Luno whispered. “I think.”

  As they gathered in the corridor, an alien delivery girl sporting a Proton Pizza uniform gasped at Luno.

  “Hey!” she said. “You’re Luno Zorgoochi!”

  The others surrounded Luno, gaping at him and whispering things like I heard about this guy and We’re saved!

  Luno backed up as they all moved in closer, then bumped against a wall. He still couldn’t figure out why anyone would think of him as a leader of anything, but he didn’t have time to explain that he was no different from them. He pushed his way through the wide-eyed crowd and made his way to the far end of the hall. The others obediently followed him.

  As he approached the thick metal door lined with large rivets at the end of the hall, Luno wondered how he was going to open it, but before he could come up with a plan, it creaked open on its own just like his cell door. This was the case as he and the others moved through the complex network of corridors, slowly making their way to the upper levels of the mother ship.

  Luno thought that he could very well be leading himself and even more innocent people to their doom, but felt that he was at least doing something and not j
ust idly sitting in a cell.

  * * *

  “HALT!” a Quantum guard shouted several levels above Luno at that very moment.

  Xoboz and a dozen of his crew stopped in their tracks. General Zope and a group of lower-ranking guards approached them.

  “Who have you got there?” General Zope asked.

  “We caught him in the rubbish sector,” Xoboz replied.

  “That’s the human Zorgoochi!” one of the guards said. “Rex Vlactron had him locked up.”

  “He must’ve escaped through the trash chute in his cell,” Xoboz said.

  One of the guards reminded General Zope that the scanners had been malfunctioning for the last few days, which was probably how the human had gotten through undetected.

  “What do you have to say for yourself, human, hmmm?” General Zope asked.

  “I’m fine, Mom,” Luno Bot droned. “Um, no thank you. I just want to sleep.”

  General Zope grabbed the Luno Bot by the arm, pulled him close, and sneered, “Oh, you’ll sleep alright—forever!”

  “I love you,” the Luno Bot added.

  “Obviously delirious,” Xoboz said evenly.

  General Zope turned to the other guards and said, “Rex Vlactron will be pleased that I single-handedly captured the human Zorgoochi!”

  The guards gathered around, congratulating him.

  “Oh, Arthropod,” he sniffed, turning back and glancing down at Xoboz. “Back to your duties. We’ll take over from here.”

  “No.” Xoboz looked up and smiled. “We will.”

  The guards looked around.

  They were surrounded by hundreds of very angry Arthropods, all brandishing makeshift weapons.

  Before they could reach for theirs, General Zope and his guards were immediately swarmed by a race of noble creatures, which had suffered violence and humiliation from their masters for the very last time.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  The End of Real Pizza in the Universe?

  “The entrance to the main kitchen is around that corner and at the end of the next hallway,” Xoboz whispered, as he approached a turn in the corridor, but then stopped and put his finger to his lips.

  Shhhh.

  The Arthropods were poised, ready to strike down whatever was coming around that corner.

  It grew closer and closer until …

  “Hey! I—”

  They lunged at someone or something, but before they could do any damage, Connie Zorgoochi swatted them away.

  “Get off him, you idiots!” she shouted, plucking the Arthropods and tossing them away. “It’s my Luno!”

  She wrapped him in a tight embrace of sobs and kisses. Luno didn’t know what was worse, the Arthropod attack or his mother.

  “Okay, Mom,” Luno finally said, wiping his face.

  As soon as Connie stopped kissing him, she smacked him in the back of the head.

  “You had me worried half sick!” she shouted. “I thought you were dead!”

  “Well, if I was dead,” said Luno, “then there’d be nothing you could do about it, so there’d be no point in worrying.”

  “Don’t be a wise guy, mister,” Connie said, and smacked him again.

  Then she grabbed him and kissed him some more.

  Luno barely had time to catch his breath when Chooch wrapped him in one of his bone-crushing group hugs with Clive, the Luno Bot, and a few delivery boys and girls, who weren’t sure if they were being attacked.

  Tony, Concetta, Frankie Boy Jr., and the rest of the Junior Pyramid members surrounded Luno and either hugged him or slapped him on the back to congratulate him. They said they just knew he’d outsmart Vlactron somehow, but when Luno tried to explain what really happened, they didn’t seem to want to listen.

  Once the reunion was over and they were all heading toward the doors to the Quantum kitchens, Luno felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned. It was Zoola Zeta.

  “Oh, hi, Zoola,” Luno said. “How are…”

  She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.

  “Mmm fo apffy yoor hokay,” she said into Luno’s space suit.

  “Huh?” Luno asked, trying to wriggle out of her embrace.

  “I’m so happy you’re okay,” she said, looking up at him. “I was so worried about…”

  “Let’s go, you guys!” Concetta shouted. “Move it!”

  Luno pried Zoola off as politely as he could and walked with the others, but everyone stopped cold at the sound of an echoing growl coming from down the hall followed by a wet shlupping sound, growing closer and closer.

  Out of the shadows emerged two massive Mutant Calamari, wielding pizza cutter weapons!

  Xoboz commanded his troops to attack and they did, completely covering the wailing creatures. However, after a few moments, Arthropods were flying every which way as the Calamari whipped their terrible tentacles around to shake them off.

  Without time to think, Luno led the second wave of attack, which was made all the more difficult by his mother trying to hold him back to keep him safe.

  Once he wrestled himself free, Luno furiously poked and jabbed the squid creatures with one of the Arthropod’s makeshift weapons, but after a few moments, he and the Junior Pyramid members and the delivery boys and girls discovered that they couldn’t penetrate the Calamari’s tough leathery hide.

  Now having the upper tentacle, the Calamari advanced toward Luno and the rest, ready to shock them with their cutters or simply squeeze them to death in their atrocious appendages.

  “Gak!” A tentacle wrapped around Luno’s chest and lifted him into the air. Fortunately, his space suit protected him from direct contact with the Calamari, which would’ve triggered his allergies. But as fortunate as this was, he was still in big trouble. He dangled helplessly as the Calamari bellowed in anger, scooping up Arthropods and a few Junior Pyramid members.

  Swink!

  Luno hit the floor with the rest of them. He looked up and saw Zoola, panting, one foot on the floor and one on the now completely legless dead Calamari, holding a sharpened pizza paddle like a mighty sword.

  “The base of the tentacle is the most tender part,” she said, smiling. “And the most delicious!”

  Luno blinked in disbelief. He unwound the dead tentacle from his waist and walked up to her. “I—um—”

  “Well, it was going to hurt you,” she said. “I had to do something. I…”

  Suddenly they both flew into the air. Another Mutant Calamari had him, this time by the ankles and Zoola, too, and she dropped the pizza paddle. Luno futilely swung his fists as he dangled upside down trying to do something, anything, but it was no use.

  The spinning blade of the Calamari’s pizza cutter weapon glinted in Luno’s eye. As it drew closer, he tried to wriggle free, but the tentacles were stuck fast. He watched the shiny blade move steadily toward his throat.

  Zoola gasped helplessly, watching.

  “Luno!” she shouted. “Before we die, I need to tell you that I love—”

  “EXTRA SHARP CHEDDAR, COMING THROUGH!”

  The next thing Luno knew, he and Zoola were on the floor again. He looked up and saw the Calamari lying there next to them, sliced completely in two!

  Luno pushed Zoola out of the way of a giant and very sharp wheel of yellowish cheese barreling back toward him.

  “Hello, young Zorgoochi.”

  It was Master Uno and the Mozzarella Monks!

  Luno got to his feet and Master Uno bowed deeply to him, so Luno bowed in return.

  “Does your back hurt?” Master Uno asked, rubbing his back. “Bending down that way always makes me feel better, too.”

  Then Master Uno offered his hand and Luno shook it.

  “Good to see you again.” Master Uno smiled, helping him up.

  As Clive and Chooch greeted the Monks, Luno approached Zoola.

  “So, um,” Luno muttered. “Were you going to say something before?”

  “Uh, yeah.” She laughed nervously. “I was going to
say that I love, uh—mozzarella.”

  “Huh?”

  “You say funny things when you think you’re going to die,” Zoola said, then quickly joined the others.

  “So you’re for real, too?” Connie asked Master Uno. “I thought you were a figment of my husband’s crazy family’s imagination.”

  “Hmmm.” Master Uno considered this. “Perhaps I am and just exist in their minds, Madame. Perhaps we all do.”

  Connie looked over to Luno, who shook his head as if to say, Never mind him.

  “Master Uno, how did you know I was here?” Luno asked. “And that we needed your help?”

  “Ah, young Zorgoochi”—Master Uno smiled sagely—“I was practicing Transcend-Cheddar Meditation and sensed that you were in danger across the cold depths of space.”

  “Wow!” Luno gasped. “Really?”

  “No,” Master Uno said flatly. “We have one of those antennas, too.”

  There was a scuffle behind them and Luno turned around.

  “What are you doing?” Due shouted at Nove, who was squeezing lemons and shaking salt and pepper on one of the Calamari’s tentacles.

  “It’s getting close to lunchtime, so I was just thinking I could grill these up and…”

  Due slapped the lemons out of his hands.

  “How can you think of food at a time like this?” Due shouted, yanking Nove to his feet. “C’mon! Let’s get that door open!”

  The monks yanked at the heavy metal door of the kitchen, but it didn’t creak open more than a fraction.

  “Can I help?” Chooch asked, grasping the door handle and flinging it open wide, sending a few of the monks flying.

  “Oops.”

  Luno, Connie, Clive, Chooch, and the rest gathered in the doorway and peered down upon the cavernous Quantum kitchen at the members of the Pizza Pyramid, using their talents in the service of Vlactron.

  “Anthony!” Mrs. Galattico screamed as she ran down the stairs, her arms outstretched, followed by Tony.

  Mr. Galattico spun around, dropped the basketball-size olive he was slicing, and ran to his wife and son. They hugged one another, then cried.