Queen of Babble Bundle with Bonus Material

by Meg Cabot

  Platonic friendship? Well, that’s good. I mean, because they’re not actually from Luke. They’re from Chaz.

  And that’s all I want from Chaz. His friendship, I mean. Platonic is good.

  “Well, because Luke and I are friends, first and foremost,” I twitter. Oh my God, what am I even talking about?

  Tiffany makes a face.

  “If Raoul ever bought me yellow roses,” she says, “I’d stuff them up his butt. So where do I sit?”

  “Tiffany,” I say, beginning a speech I’ve been mentally rehearsing since hanging up the phone with her. “I—”

  “Is this good?” Tiffany asks, collapsing her nearly six-foot (and barely one-hundred-and-twenty-pound) body into Madame Henri’s chair, behind the desk with the telephone (which is ringing shrilly) on it. “Here. I brought you a chocolate croissant. They were out of muffins. And a Diet Coke. I know how you are.”

  I catch the white paper bag she tosses to me. It’s truly weird how everyone just thinks they can bring me Diet Coke and everything will be okay.

  Especially since it’s pretty much true.

  “Hello, Chez Henri, this is Tiffany, how may I help you?” Tiffany, not skipping a beat, begins picking up calls as if she’s worked at Chez Henri her whole life. “Ms. Nichols? I’m not sure. Hold, please.” Tiffany places the call on hold. “Do you only do restorations, or do you do original designs? I mean, I know you’re doing an original design for me, but for, like, the commoners?”

  “Right now,” I say, slowly chewing the end of chocolate croissant I’ve bitten off, “I’m only doing rehab and restoration.”

  “Got it. Where do I log your appointments?”

  I point at the black leather appointment book on Madame Henri’s desk.

  “But,” I say. “Tiffany, we have to talk. I can’t—”

  Tiffany just looks at the appointment book and snorts. “High-tech,” she says, then flips it open, grabs a pencil, and hits the hold button. “Only restorations. All right. I’ve got an opening next week on the tenth at eleven o’clock. No? Please hold…”

  I am starting to think hiring Tiffany might not be such a bad idea. She seems to have just…well, taken over.

  And that’s a good thing. A very good thing. For now. Maybe I should worry about how I’m actually going to pay her later.

  I’m getting ready to retreat to the back room to look over what I’ve got to do—if I can at least get my head around that, maybe I can get my head around Tiffany working for me…and, oh yeah, the part where I’m engaged—when the bells over the front door tinkle once more, and my confused-looking best friend, Shari, wanders into the shop.

  “Oh my God,” I say, nearly dropping my can of soda as I rush to hug her. “I’m so glad you came.”

  “I got your message,” she says, giving Tiffany a curious glance. “They said you said it was an emergency. It better have been, to have made me come all the way uptown. What’s so important that you have to tell me in person? And what’s she doing here?”

  “Come on,” I say, taking Shari by the hand. “I’ll tell you upstairs, in my place. Tiffany, can you handle things down here for ten minutes?”

  Tiffany gives me the finger while saying, “Ma’am, I’m sure your daughter is a lovely girl, but Ms. Nichols only does restorations. If you have a gown to restore, we’re in business. If not, I’m afraid you’re going to have to look elsewhere for your daughter’s wedding dress. Oh, really? Do you eat with that mouth, ma’am?”

  “What,” Shari asks again impatiently, “is she doing here? What’s going on? Seriously, Lizzie, this better be important. I have clients who could actually be dying as we speak. And I mean literally.”

  I realize that the speech I’ve planned for Shari, who’s always been my staunchest supporter, isn’t anywhere near eloquent enough. So I simply turn and show her my ring.

  “Oh,” Shari says. “My. God.”

  A HISTORY of WEDDINGS

  When brides weren’t being taken by force in ancient cultures, they were sold or bartered for gold, land, or even livestock (like a cow—can you imagine?).

  For many centuries, it was common practice to use the weddings of offspring to bring high-ranking families together, but it wasn’t until medieval times that laws were enacted that required any sort of religious rite be part of the actual ceremony (along with the exchange of goods and the signing of contracts). It was also around this time that dowries began to become more common, so that it wasn’t just her lovely self the bride brought to the marriage, but some cold hard cash and maybe a few dozen head of cattle too. What’s more, often the bride was expected to deliver the cash to her in-laws herself (more on this later).

  Tip to Avoid a Wedding Day Disaster

  The legal experts at Pendergast, Loughlin, and Flynn agree: the marriages that work best are the ones where both parties are joined at the heart and the bank account. Couples who share their assets tend to stay together longer. Apply for a joint checking account, at least for shared expenses… unless one of you has excessive amounts of debt or other legal or financial troubles. If that’s the case, the debt-free party should be seeing a lawyer…possibly at Pendergast, Loughlin, and Flynn.

  LIZZIE NICHOLS DESIGNS™

  • Chapter 4 •

  There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

  —Martin Luther (1483–1546), German theologian

  Wait.” Shari is staring at me over the yellow tabletop in the kitchen. “He asked you to marry him…and you said yes?”

  I’ll admit this is not the sort of reaction I was hoping for. In fact, Shari has a lot more in common with her ex-boyfriend Chaz than she’d probably like to know.

  “I’m not rushing into anything, Shar,” I say to her. “I swear. I’ve totally thought this through.”

  “You have.” Shari is still staring at me. She hasn’t taken her coat off, even though I offered to take it from her. Judging from her body language—arms folded across her chest, head cocked at one angle as she glares at me, legs crossed—I would say she is feeling cranky toward me…maybe even downright hostile. “He got home from France yesterday morning. And he proposed yesterday morning?”

  “Yeee-es…”

  “And you said yes as soon as he proposed?”

  “Um…yes?”

  “So you thought this through…when?”

  “Well…since then.” I can tell where this is heading, and I attempt to head it off. “I mean, you’ll notice, Shari, that he’s not living here. I’m not letting him move in. And I’m not moving back in with him. Nuh-uh. I’m not making that mistake again. We’re living in our own separate apartments until the wedding.”

  “Which is?” Shari demands.

  I stare at her over the cups of tea I’ve made for us. “Which is what?”

  “Which is when, Lizzie?” Shari asks. “When is this alleged wedding taking place?”

  “Um,” I say, taken aback. “Well. Probably this summer…”

  “Right.” Shari unfolds her arms and uncrosses her legs. “You’re insane. I’m leaving. Good-bye.”

  I pull her back down before she can abandon her chair, however.

  “Shari, come on,” I say. “Don’t do this. You’re not being fair—”

  “I’m not being fair?” Shari cries. “Lizzie, come on! Did you, or did you not, just spend a night on my couch last month because that no-good boyfriend of yours pulled your heart out of your chest and crushed it to bits when he told you he couldn’t see you in his future—something he might have mentioned, by the way, before he asked you to move in? And now for some fucked-up reason—probably because he’s gone for a week without getting laid—he’s decided, Oh, hey, I guess I can see Lizzie in my future after all, throws a diamond ring in your face, and you’re all, Okay, Luke, anything you say, Luke. Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to sit here and watch you throw your life away. You deserve better. You deserve a guy who actually loves you, Lizzie
.”

  I blink at her. The next thing I know, I’m crying.

  “How can you say that?” I ask with a sob. “You know Luke’s not like that. You know—”

  But that’s all I manage to get out. Because I’m weeping too hard to say anything more.

  After a while, tired of listening to me sniffle, Shari gets up, comes around the table, and puts her arm around me.

  “Lizzie,” she says in a softer voice than she used before. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just…I worry that the reason you said yes to Luke is because you wanted to marry him so badly, and then when you found out he didn’t want to marry you, you moved on. And then when he suddenly came back and wanted to marry you after all, you thought you had to say yes because you’d been so adamant that that’s what you wanted all along. But you know, Lizzie, it’s okay to change your mind.”

  “I haven’t!” I shout through my tears. “Why would I do that?”

  “I don’t know,” Shari says with a shrug. “Because you grew up a little since last month, maybe? I was there, remember? I saw you do it. But look…If you really want to marry Luke, then of course I’ll support you. If you want to marry Luke, then I want you to marry Luke too.”

  “No…” I’m crying too hard to speak clearly. “No, you hate Luke.”

  “Now you’re just being irrational. I do not hate Luke. I do think he’s got a lot to learn about being a man. And, frankly, I think you could do better. But I’ll support you no matter who you love, same as you’ve supported me, so long as you don’t stuff me into a lime-green taffeta hoop skirt that matches your sisters’—which you aren’t going to do, are you?” Shari asks suspiciously.

  “What?” I force a laugh as I wipe away my tears. “Oh God, no. Are you kidding?”

  Except that I’d once picked out a bridesmaid dress for Shari. Dupioni silk…Only for some reason I can’t picture it in my head anymore. It’s kind of funny how, before I’d gotten engaged, all I’d ever done was sit around and planned what my wedding was going to be like.

  And now that I’m actually having one, whenever I try to imagine it, my mind just goes blank.

  “So, where’s it going to be?” Shari wants to know. “Château Mirac?”

  “Um,” I say. “Maybe. My mom wants me to do it in our backyard.”

  Shari brightens. “That’d be nice.”

  I roll my eyes. “Shari.”

  “Well, why not?”

  “It would make so much more sense to do it at the château. That place was practically built for weddings. And it’s where we fell in love and all. And there’s the added cost-benefit of its being free, since Luke’s family owns it.”

  “Ye-e-ah,” Shari says slowly. “Except it’s far for your family to travel. And there’s your grandmother to consider.”

  “What about Gran?” I ask defensively.

  “Well,” Shari says as she sits back down in her chair. “She’s getting up there in years. You really think she’s going to make it to the south of France and back for a wedding?”

  “Sure,” I say a little hotly. “Why not?”

  “I don’t know,” Shari says. “I’m just saying. She’s old. And…”

  “And what?”

  “And she suffers from chronic alcoholism, Lizzie. Geez, what’s the matter with you? You’d think being engaged would make you happy. But you’re acting anything but.”

  I hang my head. “I’m sorry. It’s just…it’s been a bad day. Monsieur Henri had a heart attack and is having a quadruple bypass and is going to be out for a while and I was on Page Six this morning because of the Jill Higgins wedding and the phones are ringing off the hook and—”

  “Oh, so that’s what Tiffany’s doing down there,” Shari says. “I wondered.”

  I take a sip of my tea. It’s grown cold in front of me. “I should probably be getting back to work. There are a lot of brides who need wedding gowns restored, apparently.”

  “And there are probably a lot of victims of domestic abuse who need help obtaining public support and orders of protection,” Shari says with a sigh.

  I look at her from across the table. “How did we end up here?” I ask.

  “I don’t know,” Shari says with a shake of her head. “But I like where I am. Do you like where you are?”

  “I think so,” I say, looking down at my ring. “It might take some getting used to. I think I might be better at helping other people with their weddings than I am at planning my own. Whenever I think about it, I sort of want to throw up.”

  “Okay.” Shari points at me. “That is not a good sign. Remember what I said. It’s okay for you to change your mind.”

  I give her a queasy smile. “I know. But…I really do love him.”

  “Do you?” Shari asks as she stands to go. “Or do you love the idea of him?”

  “God,” I say with a laugh. “What kind of question is that?”

  “For you? I think it’s a pertinent question. You have a history of falling in love with guys it turns out you basically didn’t know at all.”

  “Yeah, but, Shari, come on. Luke’s not going to turn out to be gay or a gambling addict.” I have made some unfortunate mistakes in the guy department. “I mean, I lived with Luke, for crying out loud. For six months. I think I know him pretty well by now.”

  “Yes,” she says. “You’d think that, wouldn’t you? Still, people can surprise you, can’t they? After all, I lived with Chaz for nearly as long as you lived with Luke, and I turned out to be a—”

  “Don’t say it.” I fling up a hand to stop her before she can say the word “lesbian.” Not that I mind. It’s just that I try so hard not to remember that night at Kathy Pennebaker’s when we were both sixteen. I’d been lusting after Tim Daly from the television show Wings. Shari and Kathy, it turned out, had been lusting after…well, each other. God, I’d been so blind. Although I suppose it’s just as well they never told me. It would have been all over school in half a second. I’d have tried to keep it a secret, of course, if they’d asked me. But somehow I can never seem to keep my mouth shut, despite my best intentions. “I got it. Look. Don’t worry. At the rate we’re going, it’ll be a long engagement, anyway. Luke’s got school to finish, and his uncle wants him to come work for him in Paris this summer, and I’ve got about five thousand dresses to get through before I’ll ever be able to lift my head to breathe. I’m not rushing to get married any time soon.”

  Shari gives me a hug. “That’s my girl,” she says.

  It’s as she’s squeezing me that I notice it—this weird splotchy thing on the inside of my right elbow. It looks like a mosquito bite, only it’s flat, not raised. And besides, it’s January in Manhattan. How could I have been bitten by a mosquito?

  I don’t think anything of it. Then.

  It’s only later that I realize what it really is: Just the beginning of the ruination of the rest of my life. That’s all.

  A HISTORY of WEDDINGS

  In ancient times, brides were traditionally expected to set forth on pre–wedding day pilgrimages from their own village to that of their betrothed. Due to the likelihood of her being set upon by thieves hoping to make off with her dowry (or the bride herself), the bride made this trip accompanied by armed maidens to defend her and her bling against marauders.

  Thus was born the bridesmaid—or to be more historically accurate, the WARRIORMAID.

  Tip to Avoid a Wedding Day Disaster

  Today’s bridesmaids perform a much different function than their ancient predecessors, from helping to organize the engagement and bridal showers to shuttling guests—I’ve even heard of some babysitting and doing the bride’s laundry (ew).

  Don’t forget your bridesmaids on your special day. A special gift—such as a silver necklace or bracelet—will go a long way toward showing them how much you appreciate all their help…although the basic human courtesy of not turning into a Bridezilla on them would also be nice.

  LIZZIE NICHOLS DESIGNS™

  • Chap
ter 5 •

  One should believe in marriage as in the immortality of the soul.

  Honoré de Balzac (1799–1850), French novelist and playwright

  Gum-Chewer is sitting in the shop when I get back downstairs. Even though my only previous conversation with her was over the phone, I know it’s her. I’d recognize that snap, crackle, and pop anywhere.

  What shocks me is that I also recognize her instantly from Access Hollywood…and Inside Edition…and Entertainment Tonight…where she can frequently be seen wearing very little on the red carpets at the premieres of movies in which she is not starring, since she has no actual talent—none, at least, that’s been detected so far. Ava Geck’s only claim to fame, in fact, is that her family owns a chain of discount department stores (“Get It at Geck’s”), said to be worth more than a billion dollars. She herself is rumored to have a personal net worth of more than three hundred million dollars, thanks to some savvy fragrance deals and a few less fortunate reality-television appearances.

  More impressive—to me, anyway—is that she also happens to be marrying a prince. Not a prince like Luke is a prince back in his father’s native France, where the aristocracy was abolished centuries ago, and no one kept track of who really was or was not a royal, and we really have only Luke’s father’s word for it, but in Greece, where, even if the royal family is no longer recognized as the head of state, they are nevertheless still allowed to hold and be addressed by their royal titles and are invited to state functions.