Peaches and Scream

by Chelsea Thomas

  Teeny gave Michael an awkward smile. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  13

  Eulogy Eureka

  Beth’s funeral took place on Monday afternoon at the Gates of Heaven Cemetary in Pine Grove. Up to that point in our amateur sleuth careers, Miss May and I had mostly avoided attending the funerals of the victims of murders we investigated. We’d had some bad experiences with loved ones of the deceased in the past, and it felt rather crass to crash someone’s memorial in service of sleuthing.

  But in the case of the murdered tarot card reader, we hadn’t been left much of a choice. Beth’s brothers, Michael and Jonathan, clearly needed support during that hard time. And Miss May insisted we attend even though I kind of begged her to let me stay home.

  “We already said we would go,” Miss May had said. “Besides, we might pick up an important clue during the services.”

  I felt distracted for much of the service. Nobody likes attending funerals (at least nobody I know) but for me, every funeral conjured up the sharp sorrow of losing my parents. Although I’d recently gotten some closure on their deaths, I still didn’t like the sense memories associated with attending funerals.

  I snapped out of my self-pity party as a small, fastidious woman began to deliver Beth’s eulogy. The woman wore small, black-framed glasses and her salt-and-pepper hair had been cut close to her head, almost in a buzz cut. She spoke in short, clipped sentences and barely moved her mouth when she talked.

  “Friends, family, neighbors, ” she began, “this is a sad day. Beth was a true bright spot in my life and the lives of many others. She and I met when we were undergraduates at Harvard University and we have been best friends ever since that day.”

  When the small woman mentioned Harvard University, I looked over at Miss May. She shrugged. Neither of us had had any idea Beth was a Harvard graduate, and I think we were both surprised.

  But Beth’s Harvard status was not the only surprising fact featured in the eulogy. The small woman went on to reveal that Beth had been to jail for political protest. She also claimed that Beth had lived in France for three years. And the woman also seemed to imply that Beth spoke multiple languages including Japanese and Farsi. The eulogy concluded with the woman offering a plea to Beth’s spirit, requesting that Beth always remember, “laughter at the edge of the rainbow, the painted lady with her gorgeous nails, and the traitor at the end of the bar.”

  After the funeral, Miss May, Teeny, and I headed back to the big yellow VW bus. But Miss May stopped in her tracks when she noticed a commotion at the other end of the parking lot. The woman who had delivered the eulogy was in an argument with a large, sloppy man. The man looked out of place in blue jeans and a tattered T-shirt. He yelled and pointed at the small woman and she yelled and pointed back.

  Miss May squinted in their direction. “Is that Big Jim from the magic shop?”

  Teeny put her hand to her forehead like a sailor scanning the horizon. “Looks like it. That weird little lady doesn’t look too happy with him.”

  I cringed. “We don’t have to go over there, do we?”

  Miss May glanced at me like a disapproving teacher. And I knew we had to go.

  Big Jim spotted us as we approached and immediately turned to us for some sort of validation. “Miss May. You’re a de facto leader in this community. Talk some sense into this little lady. Tell her to calm down.”

  “What’s going on?” Miss May inquired.

  “This man made Beth’s life miserable. He made her career and her psychic abilities into a joke when he decided to open that magic shop. As soon as that place was open for business, Large James here started telling everyone that Beth was a charlatan and a liar. He sold tarot cards like playing cards. He made her into a fool by hawking his wares with such casual nonchalance.”

  Big Jim shrugged. “I’m a magician. I sell magic kits. I teach lessons. Yes, I think the psychic industry is nonsense. It’s a business just like mine. I won’t apologize for making that known.”

  The little woman stepped toward Big Jim. “You take that back. Beth was not some capitalist pig like you. She was sharing her gift. And because of you, no one in this region took her seriously. Now she’s been murdered. She’s dead and she’ll never gain the respect she deserved.”

  Beth’s tall, skinny brother, Michael, approached in his crisp black suit. “Lillian. It’s OK. Big Jim knows he was wrong. I can see it in his eyes as clearly as you can. I think that needs to be enough for today. For Beth.”

  Lillian looked over at Michael. She sighed. “It’s not fair, Mike.”

  Michael put his arm around Lillian and led her away. “It’s not fair, you’re right. But he doesn’t deserve any more of your time.”

  Miss May, Teeny, Big Jim, and I watched as Michael led Lillian over to her car. Big Jim grumbled. “She’s a psychopath just like her friend Beth was.”

  Miss May shot a look at Big Jim. “May she rest in peace.”

  14

  In the Wake of the Wake

  After the funeral, Miss May and I had to head back to the farm to help KP with the peach harvest. Teeny went back to her restaurant for the afternoon rush. And we all promised we wouldn’t talk too much about what happened at the funeral until we met up again later.

  Back on the orchard, Miss May and KP had a meeting in her office. I sat there quietly for the first fifteen minutes as they talked facts and figures and discussed the harvest. Then I excused myself because honestly, I was bored. I had done well in my business classes at school but that didn’t mean I liked them. I wanted to check on my animals, so that’s what I did.

  First, I visited our tiny horse, See-Saw, down in the barn. See-Saw was miniature in size but gargantuan in wisdom, and I often liked to discuss cases with her. Huffing, neighing, snorting, and swishing her tail, she offered valuable feedback no matter the situation.

  That day, I fed See-Saw some grass and filled her in on the details of Beth’s murder. But before See-Saw had anything good to say about the case, she started to whinny and point her head at the barn door.

  I turned to look and there was Detective Wayne Hudson leaning against the door jamb. “Hey, Chelsea. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

  “Wayne. You should have interrupted. Now you seem like you are just weirdly standing there and eavesdropping. Were you trying to pick up information about the murderer?”

  Wayne shook his head. “Certainly not. And why would you have information, anyway? You wouldn’t be investigating this case, now would you?”

  I rolled my eyes. It was preposterous that Wayne continued to act like Miss May and I were not expert sleuths. But, I reasoned, it was part of his job description to deter us from “interfering,” and I suspected that he was playing dumb at least partially to give us the space we needed to conduct our investigation. If Wayne “didn’t know” we were sleuthing, he didn’t have to report us or try to stop us.

  “Good point,” I said. “We’re not investigating anything. But what are you doing here if it’s not about our investigation that’s not happening?” Some people put their foot in their mouth… I put my entire leg in there.

  “I went by Grandma’s and Teeny said you were up here. Wanted to make sure you’re safe, since your keys are still missing. I thought you and your aunt decided to stay with Teeny.”

  “We’ve been sleeping over at Teeny’s but we still need to run the orchard. KP likes to think he can do it alone, but everybody needs help sometimes. Plus, See-Saw likes extra treats.”

  See-Saw swished her tail in agreement.

  “So nothing suspicious has been going on up here?”

  See-Saw munched another handful of grass. I looked at her to avoid staring directly into Wayne’s eyes. “No. How’s everything going with you?”

  “Not bad. I got a new TV. Fifty-five inches. Not that I’m some guy who’s obsessed with the size of his TV. But it’s good for sports.… Let’s see, what else? I’ve been cooking. Trying to eat healthy. Lots of broccoli.�
��

  I laughed. “I meant… How are things going with the investigation?”

  Wayne blushed. “Oh. Of course. Good. Everything is fine. It’s all going according to plan. And the plan is to catch the killer so that’s good.”

  Wayne’s walkie-talkie buzzed with activity. He grabbed it, turned away from me, and muttered something. Then he turned back to me. “I need to run. Good to see you, Chelsea.”

  I smirked. “Keep eating those vegetables.”

  I hung out with See-Saw for a little while longer. I could tell she wanted to gossip about Wayne. See-Saw always insisted on knowing every detail of my life. I maintained that Wayne and I were only friends. Which was true. We were barely friends, in fact. Sometimes enemies. And I had a boyfriend, even if he was in Africa with the lions.

  After I left See-Saw, I took a walk with Steve, who limped and loped along happily. Then I fed Kitty, who glared disdainfully at her food for a long moment before begrudgingly eating a few bites. She wasn’t getting enough attention, and she wanted me to know that she wasn’t happy about it.

  Finally, as the sun began to set, I headed back up toward the farmhouse. Teeny and Miss May were already sitting on the steps, chatting.

  “I thought we weren’t going to discuss the case until we were all together again,” I said.

  “We’re not discussing the case,” said Miss May. “We’re talking about Wayne.”

  Teeny cackled. “I heard he paid you a little visit today. How did he look? Good? Strong?”

  I looked down. “He looked fine. He’s been eating a lot of broccoli.”

  Teeny and Miss May exchanged an excited glance. Miss May turned back to me. “What is that supposed to mean?”

  I backpedaled for a few minutes and tried to avoid all their prying questions. Then I turned the conversation to the investigation and Beth’s funeral. “Everything that happened at the funeral seemed strange to me,” I said. “And the more we learn about Beth, the more confused I am.”

  “Same,” said Teeny. “I thought Beth was a bat hanging on the roof of the cave talking nonsense to the other bats.”

  “Is that how they say ‘batty’ in Britain?” I asked.

  Teeny smirked and ignored my snark. “But now I learn she’s worldly and Harvard educated? Honestly, kinda made me feel bad about myself. I don’t speak any other languages unless I’m ordering takeout and even then I pronounce everything wrong.”

  “I agree,” said Miss May. “That eulogy threw me off. I’ve never seen that Lillian woman before. And Beth’s brothers said Beth didn’t have any friends.”

  “And what was up with that fight between Lillian and Big Jim?” I asked. “Beth was fighting with Big Jim too.”

  Miss May fluttered her eyelashes in disbelief. “I guess Big Jim approaches his magic and psychic readings and all that like it’s a business. He doesn’t act like people in those professions are special or gifted in any way. And that offends Lillian because it discredited Beth.”

  I scratched my face. “Still. It was strange for her to attack Jim like that at the funeral.”

  Teeny rubbed her chin. “It was strange for Big Jim to attend the funeral dressed in his yardwork clothes.”

  I sat on the step right between Teeny and Miss May. “And what about how Lillian mentioned in her eulogy that Beth had been to prison?”

  Miss May scooted over to give me a little more room. “That’s right! Lillian said Beth had gone to jail for some kind of protest, but I never knew Beth to be too political. I guess I didn’t really know Beth at all.”

  Teeny straightened her posture. “What if that was a lie? What if Beth went to jail for something nefarious. Maybe Beth was murdered by someone who’s connected to her criminal past.”

  Miss May ran her tongue over her teeth. “That’s a little far-fetched but it’s not impossible.”

  “It happens on Jenna and Mr. Flowers all the time,” said Teeny. “Not that exactly but stuff like that. And you know my TV shows have been helpful in our investigations in the past. Don’t tell me I’m wrong about that.”

  Miss May held up her hands. “I’m not going to talk about your TV shows right now.”

  “The ones on the British channels are serious. They’re basically journalism.”

  “Let’s stay focused on the suspects,” I said. “I agree it could be someone from Beth’s past, criminal or not. Sounds like Salazar owed money to her or her brothers that he didn’t want to pay, so he’s a suspect as well. And I think we should also consider Big Jim a suspect. He obviously disliked and disrespected Beth, so maybe there’s more to their relationship than meets the third eye. And she accused him of wanting to kill her.”

  “You’re right,” said Miss May. “What about the brothers? Do we think they could’ve done it?”

  Teeny slapped her head with her palm. “I almost forgot. I got to the funeral a little early today and I heard the funeral director arguing with those creepy brothers about money. Apparently their check bounced and they needed to figure it out or the funeral director was going to refuse to bury Beth.”

  “That’s absurd,” said Miss May. “You can’t hold someone’s burial plot hostage in their time of need.”

  “I agree,” said Teeny. “But…suppose there was some financial incentive for the brothers if Beth died… That could be motivation.”

  I looked from Teeny to Miss May. “So there are a few suspects. Who should we focus on first?”

  “Not sure,” said Miss May.

  A delivery truck pulled up in the driveway and Miss May stood to greet it.

  An African American man jumped out and approached us, carrying a small brown package. I didn’t recognize the man so I assumed he was filling in for our normal driver, Sandra. He had a nice face and I liked him right away.

  Miss May signed for the package and made small talk. “Beautiful night, isn’t it?”

  The delivery man nodded. “It’ll be even more beautiful when I get back home to my armchair.”

  Miss May chuckled. “Sounds like a plan to me. You’re out a little late tonight, aren’t you?”

  The man shook his head. “Don’t get me started. Two flat tires in a single day. I should have been finished with my runs two hours ago. You’re my last delivery.”

  “Get on home,” said Miss May. “Is Sandra out sick?”

  “She’ll be back tomorrow.”

  Miss May crossed back to the front steps as she opened the package with a pocketknife. I was curious about what was in the box and I looked excitedly over Miss May’s shoulder.

  “What is it?”

  Miss May pulled out a classic, black and white marble notebook from the package.

  “It’s a notebook,” said Miss May. “And it’s got Beth’s name on the cover…”

  15

  Curse Smurse

  We went inside the farmhouse, sat at the kitchen table, and gathered around Beth’s notebook. Miss May held the notebook and Teeny and I sat on either side of her, probably too close. But that notebook was the most mysterious and intriguing clue we had ever received. It was at least in the top five. I wanted to see every word.

  The first page contained a note from Beth. The handwriting was severe and angular. Beth had pressed so hard with her red pen that in some places she had scratched right through the page and on to the one behind it.

  “To whom it may concern,

  The contents of this notebook do not concern you. This notebook is the property of Beth and it has all of her ideas and secrets. Any who reads the contents herein shall be cursed in perpetuity throughout the universe.”

  I gulped. “Any who reads this book shall be cursed? Are we sure we want to be reading this?”

  “The woman was already murdered, Chelsea,” Teeny said. “How much creepier could this get? I say we keep going.”

  Miss May nodded. “I agree.”

  “It could get a lot creepier, you guys,” I said. “If Beth really had paranormal powers, she could be cursing us right now…from b
eyond the grave!”

  “Oh, that’s a bunch of biscuits,” Teeny said. “Curse-smurse.” Then she added, “Biscuit is how they say cookie in Britain.”

  “Forget about the curse. Notice anything else odd about this note so far?” Miss May asked.

  I shrugged. “Beth pressed down really hard when she wrote but that doesn’t surprise me. Uh, also that phrase, ‘in perpetuity throughout the universe’ is striking. Seems official, like something I read in the one pre-law class I took in college.”

  Miss May nodded. “It’s legalese, for sure.”

  “Maybe she really did go to Harvard,” said Teeny. “Let’s keep reading.”

  The rest of the note had been written entirely in capital letters. “BETH SEES ALL AND KNOWS ALL. THIS IS AN ACCURATE RECORD OF HER DAILY LIFE. ONE DAY THIS NOTEBOOK WILL BE A TREASURED ARTIFACT HOUSED IN A WORLD CLASS MUSEUM.”

  “Little full of herself, wasn’t she?” Teeny shook her head. “How do you know your life story is going to be an artifact in a museum?”

  “She was insane, Teeny,” I pointed out.

  Teeny shook her head. “That’s no excuse to be so cocky. It’s just unseemly, that’s what it is.”

  Miss May turned the page. The heading on the top of the page read: DAY ONE. It was the same scratchy handwriting. But the day Beth described on the page seemed mundane and far from spectacular.

  I read her writing out loud. “Woke up. Ate two bananas. Rode my bike. Went to get coffee at the Brown Cow and had a great conversation with Brian. He is a Sagittarius. The end.”

  Miss May flipped through several pages. “They’re all like that. Simple descriptions of whatever boring stuff she did that day.”

  “Hold on. Go back a few pages. I thought I saw a list or something.” I pointed at the notebook and Miss May flipped back five or six pages. I caught her arm. “There. Stop.”