Love is a Four Letter Word

by Zara Stoneley

  Autumn was gentle, and autumn could be sad. When she glanced up he was watching her. He was so still, as though paused in time, but his eyes never stopped and nor she suspected did his mind. Jake was sharp, dangerous.

  She purposefully kept away from him as they broke off for a quick break to regroup. She collared Toby, suggested a new spot to take some photographs. But she couldn’t block Jake out completely, whatever she was doing, however engrossed she was. He was there. A presence.

  She shook her head to clear it, bent down to pick up one of the camera bags. Work first, dealing with him later. This place had brought back too many memories, put her on edge, spooked her out. That was all it was. She was just more aware of everything. Not just him.

  “You have so come up trumps, girl.” Ella was grinning. “Awesome.”

  They stood together, watched as Jake leant casually against the fence, one foot up on a rail as instructed and sent her a wink that put her body back on full alert. Then he ruffled up his hair as instructed by the makeup girl and Georgie could almost feel the cringe as his nose was dabbed with foundation powder.

  “I know. I’m always awesome.” Georgie fought the grin that was threatening to split her face open. Not cool. She tore her gaze from Jake, that look of resigned humour that had settled on his features was the look she wanted to see when she seduced him later. And she was going to have him again, she’d decided.

  “And wouldn’t you like to rip his clothes off and lick him all over?”

  “Ella!”

  Ella carried on gazing at Jake like she believed in love at first sight. “Oops, sorry, forgot you already had. Do you think we could get Toby to ask him to take his shirt off? Or at least unbutton it a bit. If you don’t mind that is?”

  “Go ahead, he’s not my personal property.” But even as she said it she knew she was kidding herself. She didn’t want him stripped, centre stage, for the models to fawn over. A brooding presence in the background was just fine. “Jake might object though, even if Toby doesn’t.”

  “I think I might ask him while he’s setting the next shot up. Come on.” She linked her arm through Georgie’s, so she didn’t have much choice.

  Toby carried on adjusting the lights and reflectors as they got close, flashed a quick smile in her direction. “This place is fab, George. A real prime location.”

  “Thanks, Toby. It’s great isn’t it?”

  “Cool. And that guy is something else as well, he’s a natural. You’ve done a good job this time.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Yeah, the girls just love your macho man.” The words were laced with dry humour. That was Toby all over, dry as dust. It had taken her a while to get used to him, to work out if he was serious or joking, and she still wasn’t always sure she’d got it right.

  He nodded over in the direction of his models, who had taken time off to grab a drink. And more. Yeah, they sure did love him. Especially Cara, if she pressed herself in any closer she’d need pulling off like a sticking plaster. “He’s not mine.” Something tugged at her deep inside, it must be impatience. She just wanted them to get on with it, finish their break and get back to work. Cara in the front of the shot, Jake at the back. With his shirt still on.

  “Let’s hope the prints look as good as I’m hoping they will.”

  She quelled the sudden irritation that had broken into the happy feeling of getting it right, achieving something.

  “You could make something of this land,” Toby tightened a furled knob on the light and stepped back to check it, “I’d definitely use it again. But do you think macho man would let me? He doesn’t seem over keen, he really gave me the evil eye before. He is great for the photos though, talk about brooding, he has got it in spades. People are falling over themselves for that rough, tough look at the moment.”

  “No, he’s not keen.” It didn’t take Einstein to work that one out. “But it isn’t his to decide. I bet I can sort something, so maybe we could do a deal.” Now where the hell had that come from? Sort something? It had been hers once, theirs. The best part of her childhood. But that had been then, this was now. It had been a shock coming back, the way it hit her. The house wasn’t her home now, it had been defiled. Spoiled forever. But this place hadn’t.

  “Wow, you really are the country bumpkin at heart aren’t you?”

  She blinked. What the hell was she thinking, saying it out loud? It wasn’t her place now, and something kept niggling at her saying she couldn’t go back. Going back never worked. But when she’d told Alfie she was heading home for the summer it was for one reason. This place. A memory she couldn’t shake, an idea that had grown inside her until it had seemed real. Until she’d got back and found Jake here.

  Toby high fived her. “Here’s to a deal then darling.”

  She tried her best at a weak grin and then out of the corner of her eye saw him. Felt the smile suddenly fix itself on her face like a brittle mask. He was a few feet away, had walked back their way while she was distracted. While the thoughts that had been filtering through her brain ever since she’d step foot back on the land had coagulated into the start of a plan without her really knowing. And from the look on his face he’d heard every word. Every single word. And the look he gave her was more than just distaste, it was disgust mingled with pity. If she’d thought she’d been hurt in the past, it was nothing compared to what that one single look threatened. Fuck. That wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to happen at all.

  Chapter Four

  “They’re all assholes.” She could see the pulse under his tense jaw, he was fighting for control.

  The assholes were busy packing their stuff away. “Well get used to it, because they’ll be back.” Shit, why was she winding him up? Apart from the fact that he was so sexy when he was about to let rip. She could almost see the tightening of his abs, the flex of the muscles in his arms. The green in his eyes had gone from soft inviting moss to hard jade that could cut straight through the crap, to the very core of you.

  “Oh, yeah? Well, it isn’t your place to decide.”

  “And it’s not yours. Is it, Jake?” She squared up to him, refused to step away like her brain was telling her to.

  “So how are you planning to sort it, then Georgie? Shag me into submission? Could be fun trying.”

  She didn’t like the smile that was playing on his lips. It was him goading her now.

  “Dream on.”

  “At least I’m in on the game plan now, makes it fairer.”

  “Sod off. There isn’t a game plan.”

  He raised an eyebrow.

  “I’m not one of your play things, Georgie.”

  Hot tears prickled behind her eyes. He was wrong, he had it all wrong. But how the hell could she even start to explain? She didn’t even know herself why she’d said it, didn’t even know what she really meant any more. She’d come back expecting to find this land empty, abandoned. Just how she’d left it. Jake wasn’t supposed to be here. Nobody was supposed to be here. And no-one was supposed to know about her plan. Not yet.

  “You can’t walk all over Rowena like you do with everyone else. She’s a match for you, lady.” The short, humourless laugh filled the gap between them. Brittle. Challenging.

  “She knows what this place means to me.” She clamped her lips together too late to stop the words spilling out.

  “Which is what exactly?” He crossed the broad arms across his chest and she studied the dark hairs that moved with each irate flex of his muscles. Saved her from looking at the granite features.

  “That black mare? Well, I kept her here.”

  “So? You rented the place, now I am.”

  “No.” She swallowed the need down, fought the desperation that she knew would creep into her voice if she wasn’t careful. “No, we owned the place. Dad owned it.” She glanced up and his face was stormy, unreadable. “Honest, we did. And I think we still do.” Shut up Georgie, why can’t you just keep your mouth shut, at least until you’ve
got all the facts? But he words just spilled out, as though saying them would help make the dreams that had been brewing into a reality she suddenly needed.

  “Well, bully for you little rich girl.” His eyes had narrowed and it was like looking into a bottomless pit, nothing. Emptiness. “Even,” he paused, “even if you’re right, Rowena has an agreement, I have an agreement.” He reached into his pocket, dug out a mobile phone.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Proving you can’t have everything you want at a drop of a hat.” He pressed a handful of buttons, held the phone to his ear. “Rowena?”

  Georgie fought the urge to shut her eyes. Just like that the harsh tone had melted into the smooth warmth he’d had for her when she’d got there this morning.

  “It’s Jake, I’ve got Georgina Hampton here, she seems to think,” his steely gaze never left her, “I have no right to be here.”

  “I never said—” He ignored her.

  “Can we have a chat when you’ve got a minute?” The slightest curl tilted the corner of his mouth as he ended the call, which was obviously just leaving a message. The phone was pocketed, and his hand went with it as he rocked slightly back on his heels with what looked like a hint of smug satisfaction. “We all can.”

  “We all can what? There is no ‘we’. You can’t decide for me what I’m going to do.”

  “Watch me.” He raised an eyebrow and she felt her mouth open and snap shut of its own accord. Bloody stupid macho man, no-one told her what to do. No-one.

  “You don’t even like horses.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “You don’t, you never rode, I never saw you.” Okay, she sounded childish. Even to her own ears.

  “Not at your posh little girl gymkhanas maybe. But some things are in the blood.”

  “Oh, just—” Just what? She glared at him and he looked straight back like he knew he had an advantage. “Just fuck off. I’m going. This is ridiculous, you’re ridiculous.” She half spun round but he’d got a hold of her arm before she made it all the way. “Let go of me.”

  “You started this, Georgina.” He voice was low, a warning. But she didn’t care, for a start he was just trying to needle her calling her Georgina.

  “Oh, and you think you can finish it do you, Jake Harcourt? Whatever it is?”

  “Stop acting like a spoiled brat.” His voice was as hard as his eyes.

  “Stop behaving like a caveman, and let go of my frigging arm.”

  “Whatever you’re plotting in that mad head of yours we’re going to sort it. After you’ve done a mornings work for me.”

  “Fuck off.” She could almost hear her own teeth grinding together as she spat the words out. Work for the overbearing lunatic? Who did he think he was?

  “Tut, tut. The old Georgina would have stuck to her side of the bargain.”

  “Well, I’m not the old bloody Georgina, am I?” She tried to shake her arm free, but he didn’t let go.

  “No, I guess you’re not.” He slowly released his grip. In his own time. Let his arm drop down to his side, the soft tone no longer a warning. “More fool me.”

  She took a step away, out of his range. “I’ll be here at six, happy now?” She would stick to her side of the bargain. Whatever he thought of her, she always did what she said she would. Even if it would be like pulling teeth, slowly, without the aid of an anaesthetic. And if he tried to push it and say earlier than six he was a dead man. “And it’s Georgie, okay? Call me Georgie.”

  “Don’t forget your bike.”

  Shit, she had been so intent on marching away on a self-righteous note that she’d very nearly set off down the lane without it.

  By the time she’d grabbed the bike and wheeled it up from the barn, he’d gone. Which was good, because she didn’t want to see the pompous over-bearing twit ever again, and tomorrow morning would come round far too quickly.

  ***

  Why the hell had she said to Toby that she’d sort something? Jake had been wrong, so wrong when he assumed she had a plan to seduce him, persuade him to let them come back. That idea hadn’t even been on the distant horizon. Until he’d said it the thought had never entered into her head. No, a far more dangerous one had. That distant, niggling need to get this place back had sneaked up on her a while ago and she hadn’t been able to shake it off. Coming back had been the first step, a chance to look around, plan the future that the past had forced her to abandon.

  And all of a sudden she’d been convinced she could do it. She was mad. It had just come out of the blue, one moment she’d been wishing herself back to the time she’d spent the days up here with her Dad. Thinking that if she could just come back here she could somehow fix things. Come back to the point where it had all started to go wrong, but this time take a different path. Then, the next minute, the stupid thoughts had shot out of her dumb mouth in a string of useless words.

  He wasn’t supposed to be here. No-one was supposed to be here.

  And he’d heard. Why the fuck had he been stood there listening? If he hadn’t, she could have thought about it. Talked herself out of the mad plan that was bubbling around and forming itself into a map of the future. But how could she do that now? And he’d rung bloody Rowena, roped her in and made it look like she was a selfish cow just sweeping her way in and knocking him out of the way. And she wasn’t. Was she? This place was hers, a part of her, and if she could only stay she could sort herself out. Start over.

  She stopped pedalling, slowed to a halt and slipped off the seat of the bike, her hands tightening on the handle bars. She wasn’t being selfish. She wasn’t. Something deep down inside her wanted this place, needed it. Even if it all seemed so much more complicated now than that hazy dream in her head,

  And Rowena had lots of land. Her house was next to the smallholding and surrounded by fields. She must have agreed to take this one on when Alfie had done his moonlight flit. Her dad, Alfie, wouldn’t have sold it. Rowena had probably offered to rent it, look after it to stop gypsies moving in, or property developers trying to buy it. That would be all. And she could give Jake another field, another barn. This one didn’t mean anything to him, it was just a field.

  She rested her chin on her hands and stared blankly at the road ahead. It had hit her like a thump in the gut when she’d stopped by at Rowena’s asking about Jake. When she’d realised just exactly where he was. In the one untouched part of her childhood memories. And as she’d made her way up, each step had got harder, the dread slowly building. And when she’d got to the gate it was there, exactly as she remembered. Down to every last gouge that her mare had made in the fence. Maybe it would have been better if it hadn’t been. If the dream had already been destroyed.

  Prime location Toby had said. The words etched themselves into her brain. But it wasn’t just that. It was a part of her, a part of her past that had been dropped abruptly back into her present, and she felt like turning her back on it would rip the last part of her old life from her heart. Coming back she’d felt, just for a fleeting moment, like the girl she used to be; a girl with a loving father, and a mother who was always there for her. And it had felt more real than anything had in a long time.

  Georgie had never really stopped still long enough to question whether she believed in fate, and she didn’t think everything happened for a reason. What the hell kind of reason was there for her mum getting screwed by a man who wasn’t much older than her daughter? But being here seemed to have put a roadblock in front of her. Stopped the run of her life. Signposted a diversion. And she wanted to stay put.

  No, she didn’t. She fought the sudden urge to whimper and wail. It wasn’t that. She didn’t want to curl up here and hide from reality, pretend it hadn’t happened. It could be her way of making a decent living; that was what it was all about. If she had this land back, she had the start of something. She could do something, anything. Rent it to Toby. Get a horse, give lessons again. Anything. And she could hold up the fingers to catty Carol and prove to her f
ather she could make it on her own. No more relying on them, no more putting up with the snide comments. And when Carol insisted on selling the house, which she knew was coming any day now, she’d have somewhere she could use as her art studio. Yes, that was it. She could set up a studio in the barn as well, and do what she wanted with her life, not what they wanted. They could sod ‘going back to discuss things’, which was Carol speak for, come and work for your father and do as you’re told young lady.

  She’d known when she’d got the job at The Veneto that it wouldn’t be enough, and nor would the work with Toby. They wanted more, a career, a bloody life plan. I mean, who wanted a ‘life plan’?

  She scuffed her boot against the grass verge. A base here would be good, if Toby made some bookings, and spread the word, and she had a studio set up in the barn, and she could even let Jake rent the land off her for a bit as well. She could have other horses, or give lessons or something. Yeah, if she could put up with the sanctimonious looks from Jake, God that man had an almighty boulder on his shoulder. Who was he to judge her? What exactly had he done in his life that gave him the moral high ground?

  Georgie spun the pedal slowly back on the bike. Maybe it wasn’t such a mad idea after all. One call was all she had to make, one call to Alfie and she could find out if they still owned the place or whether he’d sold out to Rowena. Sold off another chunk of her life.

  Sod him, she wasn’t going to ask. Not yet. Instead she dialled up Ella. The one person who wouldn’t judge her on the past.

  “What would you say if I told you I was going to buy this patch of land we did the shoot on?”

  “What do you mean, buy it? You’re mad. What do you want with a stupid field, girl?” Well, she’d been relying on Ella to be up front and direct, but maybe not this direct.