by L. Ann Marie
“Before I go there is one last thing I need to say. You and Taylor will be happy. I told him last night, he has more people to save and more purpose to his life. I did not tell him that is with you. There are many different ways of touching and influencing people. You have a gift of good Beth. That is meant to touch many people over your lifetime. Taylor is one of them. Do not give up on him.”
I go around the table and hug him. “I don’t plan on giving up on him. I love him. Thank you, Dakota. You’re weird—in a scary kind of way, but I’m glad we talked.”
He smiles, but it’s sad. “It was me that caused this. I will do everything I can to fix it.”
I shake my head. “Men.” They always believe the worst and forget the good.
On my way home, it hits me. He told him last night he has more purpose. Taylor was close to ending his life? Fuckin’ men!
I make a U-turn and drive to the Women’s Center. When I walk in the woman at the desk is smiling. “Hi. This is weird, but what do you have for PTSD support groups? For men and women.”
“It’s a good question. I’m Deirdre. Do you have PTSD?”
“Beth?”
I look back and smile. “Sheila. It’s been a while.” She was in almost every day with Lily’s sister.
“Are you okay?” She looks concerned and the woman on the side of her is staring at me.
“You’re from the hospital. It took me a minute.” She smiles.
I nod. “I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name.”
Sheila smiles. “My partner Eliza. Sorry. Beth was one of Lily’s nurses Deirdre. She’s awesome.”
“She’s looking for information on PTSD. You’re the perfect people to talk to her,” Deidre says handing me pamphlets.
“We work with one of the therapy groups in the woman’s military house. Come on in and tell me what you’re looking for.”
I follow her to a meeting room and sit. “I didn’t know you worked here.”
“We work everywhere, but run Security here for the Center most days. Mostly for groups and court.”
This is good. “Do you know the Blackhawks?” I didn’t see them with Brantley’s family. They both have weird looks on their faces. Maybe they don’t know them.
“We know them,” Eliza says.
“Why do you ask?”
I look at Sheila and she still has the weird look on her face. “I’ve been dating Taylor. I just thought you’d know them. You’re part of Princes Security. He works there too.”
Eliza smiles and Sheila laughs. This is weird. “You’re dating Taylor?”
I nod, not sure if I should say more. Maybe he doesn’t want work people knowing what’s going on.
Ben and Lily walk in and I’m shocked. “You look wonderful Lily! I saw you a couple of months ago leaving a restaurant and thought you looked happy and healthy.”
Ben smiles. “Beth was your nurse while you were sleeping.”
She smiles. I’m so happy to see her looking so good. “Thank you for taking care of me and my boys when I couldn’t.”
“You were no trouble at all. I never heard one complaint from you.” They all laugh.
Ben looks at Sheila and Eliza. “Give us a minute.”
They walk out without question. It dawns on me that he’s here when he has all kinds of things he should be doing. “Did I bring you here?”
“Yes, in a roundabout way. I am here for Taylor. Seeing you pull in I stopped. Taylor holds things close. He doesn’t seem like it, but he’s a private person and protects that privacy. Before you inadvertently let anything slip, I thought I should talk to you.”
Damn. “I’m sorry. Maybe I should leave. I didn’t realize it would cause a problem.” He’s barely holding on now and I’m going to make it worse by being here. I stand.
“Sit Beth. I think there’s a way that you can get what you need and help Taylor at the same time.”
I sit then Lily does. “We have therapy groups for the women and men of the military houses. The men never show, but the women do. We don’t have support groups for either. We need that support group. You’d think being this close to Newport we’d have something. The church doesn’t either. There is a need based on the therapists that see women here.”
“I want to help. I need a group too, but I want to help.”
Ben laughs. “Fuckin’ old ladies. While you do this, please keep what Dakota told you close. Taylor needs to get through the next couple of weeks without extra pressure from the Brothers.”
I nod. “I won’t say a word about Taylor.”
He nods at me and kisses Lily. “I got the boys Little Mamma take whatever you need here.”
I can’t help smiling. When he leaves, I lean closer. “That’s what he called you in the hospital too.”
She laughs. “I eat it up.” She gets serious. “So you and Taylor.”
I bite my lip. “He’s mad at me right now, but I think he doesn’t mean it and it’s a way for him to put some distance in between us.”
“Little Ben said ‘a couple of weeks’ so I would guess that’s what Taylor needs. They hardly ever say something they don’t mean. When you meet Dakota, you’ll understand. He’s literal in everything he says.” I don’t say a word about knowing Dakota, but I nod. “You’re going to love the old ladies. Since Little Ben said ‘what Dakota told you’ and you didn’t say you already talked, I can tell you’ll fit right in with us.”
I smile. I’m not saying a word. “Damn you’re good at this. I was hoping for something to take back to Eliza and Sheila.”
I shrug and she gets on with her plan. It’s way more than I expected, but I think it’s good and I know I can do this. The starting of it will be the hardest, but with Taylor getting help for the next couple of weeks I have the time. After that it’s two hours a week. I agree and we get details ironed out.
Driving home, I think about Dakota’s literal wording. I’m going to be happy with Taylor. This means we make it through right now and get on with living. I know how hard that is. It took me forever to get on with living after David died. I did it then and I’ll do it now.
Chapter Eleven
Two days
Taylor
VP: “Jeremy took off. I need you partnering with Brantley. He just left Security and is close. He’s not HS but he can ride.”
Me: “Fuckin’ kid! Brantley made HS at seventeen. I see them on my board. He’s never been on a job, but he can do it.”
VP: “I hope to fuck you’re right because he’s got two vehicles speeding toward Jeremy.”
Fuckin’ Jeremy!
Chevy: “Sniper, VP is on with Coder. He just took out the car. The truck is coming up in front of him.”
Me: “Roger.” Thank God he’s trained. Let’s hope it’s enough. Fuckin’ Mucimi doesn’t need to lose his dad too.
Chevy: “Jeremy got hit! Looks like a shot in the arm. Coder hit the passenger, he’s clear.”
Jesus!
Me: “Get me on with VP.”
Chevy: “Sorry Sniper, switching you to VP with Billy on Ops.”
He’s losing it. They need to replace him if he keeps this up. I hear VP yelling about shopping as I pull up to them. Jacob is right here too. Fuckin’ great. I tell VP I’ve got them and take them to the fuckin’ store. When we get to the house I whip my helmet against the garage wall.
“Tell me what the fuck you were thinking!”
He looks pathetic with half his face already starting to bruise. “Cups, he was thinking about the fuckin’ cups and nothing else!” Jacob says pissed. He looks like he wants to hit him too. Fuck.
I grab behind his neck and pull him to me then hug him. “Fuckin’ cups can wait Je. Losing you isn’t worth cups. Losing Brantley isn’t either. Mucimi already lost his mom. What would happen if Brantley got hurt?”
“I’m sorry.”
“I love you too much to lose you. I want to see him use the cups too. He’s a fuckin’ trip, but he needs you too Je.” He nods and I kiss his he
ad letting him go.
“What?” Jacob says looking at him. “He said he’s glad Dakota stopped in last night again.”
Jesus fuckin’ Christ. ‘Did Christian see?’ I think.
He says, ‘No,’ in my head.
‘Prez, Darren and Dakota are going to keep watch.’ I think right back.
“Yeah.”
“I need to get back to work. If you leave here, I’m coming after you and I will hit the other side to match.”
Jacob laughs. “He’s not leaving. His face hurts and you and Brantley have never been mad at him.”
I hug Jacob smiling. “Later freaky kids.”
I hunt for my helmet and get back to work. I only have an hour in and we’re called back to Security. Once I’m showered and changed I head out. I get a text to meet Prez at the Club just as I hit the lot. Why wouldn’t he meet me at Security or the Compound?
I get a beer while I wait for him. “Come to my office Brother.” I turn and he’s already walking away.
“Your fuckin’ family is killing me lately,” he says sitting down.
Fuck. “Tell me he stayed on the Compound.”
He nods. “Me, Uncle Danny and my father had to hold your dad back to keep him from beating the shit out of Brantley.”
“Fuck. I need to go.” I stand.
“No, stay, it gets worse before the better.” He waits for me to sit. “Christian saw Jeremy go through the car windshield. He said he was dead before the car stopped.”
“Oh my fuckin’ God.” My head is in my hands. Fuckin’ Christian can’t deal like Jeremy.
“The passenger in the truck shot you. You were shocked seeing Jeremy through the windshield and he shot you where you stood. Christian saw that too. The words that stopped your father from hitting Brantley were, ‘I saw my brothers die today.’ When he said them, your father wanted to kiss Brantley’s feet.”
Sonofabitch. I look at him. “Why are you telling me here?”
“I need to keep you away from Christian. He hasn’t seen you in a vision except with Jeremy dying. I want to tell you to go see him, hug him and let him know you’re fine, but you’re not. I need you to keep away from him until you’re able to get through a night without the possibility of him really seeing you die.”
“Jesus.”
“The hardest thing I have ever had to do is see what they do. I saw what Christian did. Then I saw what Jeremy got from last night. They’re your younger brothers and should never have to see the shit they do, but to see their family die is more than either can handle. In the next few days Christian is moving up here. Uncle Danny is building a room for him so Brantley and Holly can help. It hasn’t been decided, but it will happen. I think it’s a great idea. He needs to see his family. He doesn’t need any more fuckin’ death in his head after seeing Jeremy go through the windshield and you shot.”
My head is back in my hands. “What do I do? He’s my brother. You want me back in Mass?”
“Never Brother. I don’t think it’s a long-term problem.” My eyes snap to his. “Dakota thinks it’s the smell from holding that set a trigger for your dreams. He told me it will soon be over and you know Dakota. He won’t say anything if he thinks it will be worse. He also won’t say it if we don’t need to know it. With him telling me, I believe you need to know something changes for you and it gets better.”
My whole body feels lighter. Something changes and it gets better.
“I don’t know if it will always be there or not. I do know the part that has you armed in the middle of the dream lessens.”
I can live with that. “That’s the only part that worries me.” Beth will be safe if that’s gone.
“She will Brother, but you have to work at it. Whatever you do changes something for you. Jeremy and Dakota can’t touch it. It has to be you that does the work to make the change.” I nod.
“With last night so fresh in your head you need to stay away from Christian. He can’t take much more. Dakota will help with him, but he’s another one I need to free some time for. Losing you and Jeremy hit Christian hard. I need some time to get Dakota with him. Once that’s done, you need to block that for him.”
“I will. I’ll do whatever I need to for him.”
He smiles. “The one thing your family has always done is take care of each other. Stay up here tonight. Jax is on his way, he’s on first watch, a cot is set up in your room for him.”
“Thanks Prez. I need to figure something out fuckin’ quick. My family can’t take much more drama and I don’t want to be the center of it.”
“It may be talking to the Brothers that changes it for you. Maybe they give something you didn’t get before.”
Shit. “Yeah. I’ll talk to them Prez.” He stands and I’m relieved. I don’t know how much more of ‘worse’ I can take myself.
I wait for Jax at the bar. Since I’m not inviting the whores over they leave me alone. It’s one less stress I need to deal with. When Jax shows, I tell him I’m riding and my troubles don’t start until I’m sleeping if he has shit to do.
“I have this wife that gets more than I do about the Brothers. If I show at home because you’re riding alone, I don’t know if she’ll be hunting down a pen. I’d just as soon not find out tonight.”
I laugh and walk out. Fuckin’ Sheila is never living that down. “I haven’t eaten and my head is swimming with Christian and Jeremy seeing more than they should.”
“All I was told is I’m your date and take your guns before you fall asleep. Eating and riding sound like a good first date.”
I laugh starting my bike. Then shut it off. “I need to make a call first.”
He nods and I walk away hitting Beth’s number. Just hearing her voice settles me. “Beth. I know I was a dick. I need some time to clear my head.”
She doesn’t say anything. Fuck. I take a deep breath and let it out. “I have PTSD and something made it hit me hard. I’m working through it. I’ll make us right as soon as I can.” She’s still not talking so I look at my phone. We’re still connected. “Say something. Even if it’s fuck off say something Precious Beth.”
I hear her take a breath. “I am so glad you called and I have time. Take what you need.”
“Are you crying?” Shit. I don’t want her crying.
She laughs. “Yes, but it’s good.”
What do I say to that? “Okay. Thanks, baby. I’ll fix us when I get me straight.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
“Don’t cry Precious Beth. Bye baby.” I slide her off. I hope this fuckin’ works. Walking back to my bike, I decide Jax is going to hear every fuckin’ thing I can tell him. The Brothers may avoid me, but I’ll get back to good with her and they’ll forget about my shit. Someday. Fuck. I’ll be like Sheila and the pen, or Brantley’s Asshole Op. I smile. I’ll get the girl though.
We ride into the Cape and eat at a wharf fish house. “So tell me why I’m taking your guns.”
“I have PTSD and something triggered it to show worse now—more than any other time since I’ve been home.” That wasn’t so hard.
He eats and I wait knowing he’ll ask more. I don’t wait long. “You needing the guns away from you is because while you’re in an episode you’ll shoot yourself?”
“Yeah. I find the guns and bullets even when I hide them away from each other.”
He nods. “Since you’ve been trained for every fuckin’ thing under the sun, I can see you needing someone on watch. You never did explosives, did you?”
I laugh. “I did, but it’s not a specialty.”
“Fuckin’ great. I got your back Brother.”
I throw him chin and answer everything he asks. I tell him I can’t talk about the trigger, but I’ll tell him what I see when we get back. I can’t do it here. He lets it go and I tell him about Jeremy and Christian.
The ride home is easier. I thought I’d be dreading talking about the girl knowing he’ll ask as soon as we’re alone, but I keep picturing Beth’s smile and I ne
ed to get there. Dakota said some women lived and are helping people. That helps too.
I stop at Beth’s telling Jax I need ten minutes. He nods and waits outside. The house is dark and quiet. I go right to the room and watch her sleep from the doorway. I won’t make it in ten if I get closer. Before I walk out, I kiss her head. “Dream of me Precious Beth.”
At the Club, he gets a bottle of Jack and two glasses. In my room, he pours and I tell him what I remember and what Dakota told me about the women.
I don’t remember laying down, but the fuckin’ voices wake me up. “I know you’re not here. You’re not real.” I’m grabbed from behind and slam him into the wall. “You fuckin’ turned on your Team!” I fall and keep fighting. Finding the gun, I feel around and I’m pinned again. “You die! I kill all of you!”
They’re all holding me trying to move the gun. “I killed you! I killed you while you were on her! Fuckin’ traitorous pussy! You’re fuckin’ dead!” I keep fighting. They’re dead, they’re not real. I killed them. He’s dead. I did that.
“Brother breathe.”
“I killed them Prez. They’re not real.”
“I need you to open your eyes Taylor. Listen to my voice and open your eyes. You killed them. Every one of the pussies are dead, but you need to see they’re gone. They aren’t here.”
“She burned in the truck.”
“She did Brother. I’m sorry she did, but she saw you and she knew you tried to save her. Open your eyes Brother.”
She knew I tried for her. I open my eyes. “Fuck.”
“I want to let you go, but I need to know you’re here with us.”
“Yeah.” I feel the gun leave my hand.
“I’m clear Prez,” Jessie says.
“They’re dead. I killed them. She died anyway.” I put my hand on my head.
“They are. You killed them.”
“She’s dead Prez. I sent them alone in the truck. They hit an IED and burned.” I cover my eyes. I can’t look at it anymore.
