by L. Ann Marie
* * *
“I know you are not real. I know you are not here.”
“They are not Brother,” Dakota says.
“I killed them Dakota and the woman got them free.”
“Yes.”
“The girl died. I couldn’t get her.”
“Yes.”
I put my shaking hand on my head and feel his hand there. He’s sending heat through me and I relax.
Chapter Fourteen
Two days
Beth
Dropping my purse, lunch bag and bag on the floor I flop on the couch. Andrea called out again. She’s going to get fired. I hope that’s before I die of exhaustion. Picking up part of her shift until a replacement showed, again, puts me on eighteen hour days back to back for two days now. I’m free for the next eighteen hours and I’m sleeping it away. I smile closing my eyes. I’ll start that right now.
* * *
Taylor
I watch her sleep, thinking I should be with her. She’s still in her scrubs, she must have had a night shift. I move the blanket so I can put her to bed then go back for her. Lifting her I smile when her head flops to my chest. Laying her down I follow and she burrows into me.
My phone pings and I slide away from her then lean in to kiss her head. “My Precious Beth.” I leave her a note on the mirror letting her know I’m working on my shit and leave.
My dad is waiting at the chopper. He laughs when he sees me checking my watch. I have three minutes so I’m good. I board and he brings me home. Mom, Jeremy and Mase eat dinner with us. Terry is working. I’ll see him before I go.
Mom’s excited about the wedding. “I can’t believe all she wants is a clam boil. She is almost too easy.”
We all laugh. “Holly is good for Brantley. We all love her.”
We talk about Mucimi, then Christian moving. It’s a good dinner and I’m ready to talk to them. Jeremy and Mase take off. In my head Jeremy tells me I have two hours. I smile thanking him. They’re watching me wondering what is up.
“I have PTSD and have been struggling with it lately. Something triggered it and sleeping has been a problem. I know Jacob didn’t say anything, but I slept in a cell at PD so everyone including me were safe. Jacob slept in the next cell to watch over me.”
Mom hugs me crying. “You’re a danger to yourself?”
My dad is shocked, but watching me. “Yeah I am. I tried hiding my guns and bullets in different places and Dakota showed up one night pinning me against the wall to get my gun away from me. He said I wouldn’t have made it. They tried putting me on a watch, but I broke Jax’s wrist and had a gun. Prez, Uncle Danny and Jessie were holding me down when I opened my eyes. I spent a night at Baxters and it took all three of them to stop me.” I look at both of them, feeling bad I’m bringing this to them—but I know I have to. “For two nights I’ve slept without trying for a gun, but I’m still hit with the memory. Dakota has been with me and helps me through it. Tonight I’m here, and Dakota thinks Jeremy and you, Dad, can help me. If you think it won’t work, I’ll sleep at PD. I’m not ashamed to say I’m scared. I have no idea what I’m doing when I’m in the memory and I know I can’t live with the consequences of hurting one of my family.”
My dad nods and Mom looks up at him. “Why are we just hearing this now?”
“It’s not something I could talk about, and it’s never been this bad. I didn’t sleep for almost a week and a half. That was the reason Brantley was with Uncle Danny on Ops. It was that morning it took all of them to hold me. The same morning, I broke Jax’s wrist. I had to do something. Therapy wasn’t helping. Right now, my room at the Club has a bed and a chair in it. I have no idea where Dakota sleeps, but he’s been there when I needed him.”
My mom looks surprised. “Why are you sleeping at the Club?”
“They don’t want Christian to see it,” my dad tells her and I nod. “Does your mom need to leave for you to tell what the memory is?”
I shake my head no. “You may want to get a box of tissues.” They both get up and I watch my dad pour two shots and a glass of wine. When my mom sits back down I take the shot and start. I tell them everything, even Uncle Steve getting the woman on the computer. When I’m done, my mom is a mess. I hug her then my dad takes her to their room.
I roam the house then sit on the back deck. A beer appears in front of me and I smile. He’s so fuckin’ quiet I didn’t hear him behind me. “Thanks.”
He sits on the side of me. “Jeremy knows.”
“Yeah. Jacob and Brantley too. I told Brantley every shit job I had. Everything that was so wrong that I did following orders. He didn’t even flinch. Said he was proud I followed orders I would have never given, because it made me the soldier I am.” I shake my head smiling.
“He’s right. I’ve come to realize he’s wise beyond his years too. I think all of you are. It’s been a hell of a year.”
“Yeah.”
“What’s her name?”
I laugh. “Beth. She’s a nurse. She took care of Lily and Holly.”
We sit lost in our own thoughts until Jeremy and Mase come in. We hear them moving around, but they don’t come outside. “Tonight, what do you need?”
“Dakota says he just talks to me. When I tell him things he answers. I think my brain knows, but the memory isn’t complete. I passed out and didn’t know about the women getting free. Dakota just answers. He thinks Jeremy can help. Neither one could touch it before, but something changed.”
“What was the trigger?”
Fuck. “The smell of burning flesh.”
He doesn’t ask anything else. I stand ready for this night to be over. “I can sleep at the PD.”
He looks at me. “I’d rather not sleep in a cell.” I smile and walk in the house.
Jeremy is waiting at the top of the stairs. They changed the rooms so there’s two guest rooms up here. I follow Jeremy into one. “Guns are gone.”
I smile. “Thanks Jeremy.”
My dad laughs. “Is that what you were doing?”
Jeremy smiles and nods his head. “All of them.”
“I’m changing then going to bed it’s been a fuckin’ exhausting week.” They leave and I change into shorts and lay down. I close my eyes and think about my mom and dad then my brothers and Joey. When my mind settles down, I think about Beth’s smile and holding her while she sleeps.
* * *
I hear her scream and have to move. Something’s holding me back. “No! You aren’t here. You are dead. I killed you.” They laugh, but I know they’re dead. “You aren’t real; you are not here.”
“Open your eyes Taylor.”
“Dad, they’re dead. I killed them. They aren’t real.”
“No Son, they aren’t.”
My hands go to my head. “She’s dead. She died in the truck. I couldn’t get her.”
“You tried, but the women pulled you back. It was already too late and you were hurt.”
I suck in a breath. They lived. “I saw them. They lived.”
“You did. Open your eyes Son. No one is here but me and Jeremy.”
I open my eyes. “They lived.” Jeremy has his hand on me and he’s crying. “No! Don’t see it! Fuck! Dad get him away!”
He holds me down. “He’s okay. He saw it a long time ago. Just relax Taylor. You’re shaking.”
“Yeah.” He saw it already. I close my eyes and see the woman’s smile. She’s helping people.
Chapter Fifteen
Taylor
My dad flies us all down for the wedding. I’m nervous—Christian doesn’t need my shit. “I’ll block you,” Jeremy says and my mom smiles at him.
“Thanks.” It’s just getting light out and I’m thinking of Beth. Her and her sunshine smile.
“It’s good.” He’s smiling at me.
“Yeah.”
At the Compound, I go home and can’t remember the last time I slept here. Yes, I can. The night Dakota showed. Too fuckin’ long ago.
Terry and
Mase follow me while Jeremy goes to Brantley’s. He’s the only fuckin’ Brother the women will let in. Terry and Maser think that’s funny.
I change and head over to the ‘rents with them. Brantley is on the back deck probably avoiding the crazy bastards. I sit with him and Christian. I love to see him smiling. Mase calls Brantley in to dress rolling his eyes. We laugh. “Happy looks good on you Christian.” Terry comes out and agrees so Christian tells him his news. He’s so excited about working at the school. He’s signing, but Terry doesn’t need it anymore. I think the excitement is good if he’s forgetting little things. It means something to him. Uncle Danny sticks his head out the slider and tells me I need to go get Holly.
I’m shocked and honored she asked for me. At the house, Sheila blocks the door. “Uncle Danny said I need to come over.”
Sheila gives me a look. “You’re sleeping?”
I smile. “Yeah. It’s getting easier.”
She hugs me and lets me in. “He’s going to fuckin’ die when he sees you Holly. You’re more beautiful than usual.”
“Nice save!” Amanda says making everyone laugh.
“Save? There is nothing to save.”
She hits my arm. “All right, it was a good thing to say.”
I smile at Holly. “Let’s get you married. Once you’re a Blackhawk you can’t renege. We don’t recognize the word quit.”
She laughs with tears in her eyes. “All in doesn’t allow for it.”
The women cheer. They’re fuckin’ funny. I bend to her ear. “I’m honored you asked for me to walk with you. I have no problem putting your hand in my brother’s knowing you were made for each other.”
She pulls me down and kisses my cheek. “Thank you Taylor. Now can we go?”
I laugh and walk with her over to the gazebo. It’s not as big as Uncle Danny’s, but it’s just as nice. I hand her to Brantley telling her she’s perfect for him and Mucimi. Looking to my side, all my brothers are here. I’m so proud of them I touch each one on the shoulder bringing them closer to me. Every one of them smiles.
* * *
I dance with my mom, Holly, and Joey—wishing Beth was here. I’m just waiting for Brantley to leave so I can when Beth walks in on the side of a Brother.
“What the fuck?” I walk toward the door and they’re turning to leave. “Beth!”
She looks scared to death. “I didn’t know it was Brantley’s wedding.”
“So if it was anyone else’s you’d stay with a fuckin’ date?”
Prez puts his hand on my shoulder. “Hear her out Brother.” Jessie moves to my other side.
“Brother, my wife is here. Beth isn’t doing anything wrong,” the fuckin’ pussy says.
Her hand moves and she squeezes his. My blood boils and I want to fuckin’ hit him. “Coming to my brother’s wedding with a fuckin’ date is as wrong as you can get.”
“If you’re not going to listen it’s not worth explaining.” She walks out and the fuckin’ Brother follows.
Prez and Jessie hold me back. “This is your brother’s wedding.”
“Seriously? She’s pissed at me?” I walk to the bar wanting to kill someone. I can get his name and kill him without blowback.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Prez says on the side of me. Whatever. I’ll find out who he is and make sure I never have to see his face a-fuckin’-gain.
“Excuse me.” I turn around looking at the woman interrupting my plan to murder the Brother.
“Is my husband coming back?” I turn back around. She’s not talking to me.
Prez laughs. “I don’t think he wants to right now.” Jessie cracks up.
What the fuck? I look at both of them. “The guy with Beth is her husband,” Jessie says like it’s a joke.
It takes me a minute. “Why was he here with Beth?”
“The benefit is going to be held here. Since her boyfriend is away, I thought she could see it and maybe have some fun. Steve picked her up because she caught an extra shift. I didn’t mean to cause a problem...”
She’s still talking, but I’m walking away. I can hear Jessie laughing and peg him a finger. Fuck. When I hit the door I’m scanning the lot. I see them and run. “Stop!”
At the truck the Brother puts his hands up. “No, I’m not shooting you.” His shoulders relax and he turns around. “I’m sorry. I fucked that up royally. The whole time I’ve been here, I wished Beth was with me. When she showed, I was pissed it was with you.” I’m talking to him, but looking at Beth.
He throws me chin. “Can I go back in for my wife?”
“Go have fun. She’s asking for you.” My eyes haven’t left hers. “You look beautiful Precious Beth. Tell me I’m forgiven.”
She takes in a breath. “You really thought I’d be out with someone else?”
“This is probably not the way to do this, but I would hope you wouldn’t. I love you and hope someday to stop fuckin’ us up so you can feel that.”
She launches herself at me laughing. Jesus. “I love you too Taylor Blackhawk.” When I kiss her, people are clapping. Fuck.
“When I fuck up, I do it big. It’s time for you to meet my family.” She laughs. Fuckin’ Beth.
I turn around and she grabs my hand. “Everyone this is Beth.” My mom is on her with the old ladies and she’s got her arm out gripping my hand. “I won’t let it go again,” I tell her. She smiles as they pull her back in the door.
Jessie slaps my back. “Glad you fixed that. Dakota says she fits right in.”
I throw him chin. “Taylor let her go for God’s sake. We won’t let her leave.” I look from my mom to Beth. She’s smiling and gives me a nod. I kiss her and let her go.
“Lily loves her.” Prez steps up to us with Phoenix on his shoulders.
Jax laughs. “Sheila and Eliza too.”
I look at them. “How the fuck does everyone know her?”
“All in good time Brother.” Dakota slaps my back.
I want to talk to him so I’m glad he is here. “Will she be safe Dakota?”
He looks at Prez. Fuck. “It’s not what you’re thinking Brother. He doesn’t want to tell you to make sure she keeps clothes on.” They all laugh.
“She’ll be safe though?” I look back at Dakota.
“I can show her what we do. It is working. Even with Jeremy and Cloud it was good. I gave them the words and they helped. It is not something I have ever done before, so the new makes it difficult to answer. If you stay on the Compound, we are all close. We can make sure she is safe and she wants to help. That makes teaching her easier.”
I let out a breath then smile. She’ll be safe here. Prez slaps my back. “She will Brother.”
“I have Mucimi for the week so I have to be here,” I say almost to myself.
Jessie laughs. “Make her yours before the week is done and she’ll always be here.”
I can do that. “Yeah.”
“Fuckin’ kids just lost me another hundred! I thought you were the unstable one?” Tiny booms out and I put my head down.
“You think that could have been any louder?” A tampon hits my chest. I catch it and whip it back. “You’re the one whining about your fuckin’ bet. Hit me with another and my unstable will show.”
“Fuckin’ Badass kids,” he mumbles walking away. Everyone is laughing now. Jesus.
I find my girl and pull her away from the old ladies. “I’m so fuckin’ glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” Her arms go around me and we dance. We send Brantley and Holly off and I dance with my girl and Mucimi. He laughs and it’s so cute that Beth laughs with him. Jeremy thinks this is cute too. At least that’s what he says in my head.
Christian stands on the side of me. “Yeah Christian?”
“It’s time for Mucimi to eat. I get the girl or the kid.”
Beth laughs and takes his hand. “It’s nice to meet you Christian. Let’s dance.”
“Fuckin’ brothers,” I say, but I’m happy and take my little guy
for some food.
When Christian comes to the table I look for Beth. She’s talking to the wife of the Brother I was planning to murder. She’s so happy, I’m glad I didn’t fuck it up worse than I did. “She’s perfect for you Taylor. I love her already. She doesn’t have family.”
I look at him wondering if it’s something he saw. “A brother in New York.”
He nods. “He’s not good, but they aren’t close.” I figured as much. “Why is everything from you blocked?”
I look away from Beth to his eyes. “I had some shit happening that you don’t need.” He nods, but doesn’t say anything. “According to Dakota it ends soon. When it’s done, I’ll give you all of it. Right now, it isn’t taking that happy out of your eyes. Putting yourself out there isn’t easy. I’m proud of you for doing what is hard instead of easy.”
He smiles with the light in his eyes. “Everyone is making it easy.”
Joey sits and takes Mucimi right off my lap. “I got him. You’ll have him all week. Let me love him while you’re busy with Beth. You better not fuck it up. I like her.”
Christian laughs. I just shake my head. “I love her.” They both look at me shocked. I laugh and walk away.
* * *
At the house, we spend time laughing and watching Mucimi walk around pushing his walker and play with his dog. They are so fuckin’ cute together. Alex teaches us the commands in Mohegan, surprising Beth.
I’m relieved when they all go home. I haven’t had a minute alone to talk to her.
We get the little man washed and in bed and Dakota shows. “Jeremy is in his room. He will be a help. Prez talked with him a couple of days ago then again today so this would be safe for Mucimi and Beth.” I nod and look at Beth. She’s not surprised or even questioning anything.
“You already talked?” Now she looks nervous.
