Myth-ion Improbable m-11

by Robert Asprin

  I stared out at the empty road. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck on a vegetarian planet with some weird, hat-tipping people who didn't believe in money.

  Down the street a couple people looked at me, seeming almost shocked because I was sitting on the sidewalk. I stood, tipped my hat at them, and leaned against the building instead. They smiled as if I were now suddenly all right, and went about their business. For the next few minutes I stared out at the empty road leading off toward the rock cliffs, trying to decide what to do. Should I walk back up there or stay right where I was?

  What would I do if I got to the cliff face and they weren't there, which was likely? It would be almost dark by then and I would have to spend the night out in the wild. And, for some reason, that idea didn't sit well.

  And what would I do if they never came back here? Should I head for the city with the golden cow in it? I remembered enough from the map that the city's name was Dodge. I could work my way there, given time.

  I'd make that decision if Aahz and Tanda didn't come back, Right now I just needed to make sure Aahz and Tanda could find me when they did get here. This little town was where they had left me; this was where I was going to stay. At least for the immediate future, however long that might be. If Glenda had managed to do something awful to Aahz and Tanda, I would face that problem later. Much later. And somehow make sure Glenda paid for her sins.

  With one last look at the empty road, I turned and headed bac k to Audry's. At least there I could sit in the window and watch the street without being obvious.

  The music was still coming from what looked like a piano, even though the place was empty. The guy behind the bar smiled at me, then frowned when Glenda didn't follow me in the door.

  I decided I needed to have him on my side. I walked up to the bar.

  "Has my friend been back here yet?"

  "No," he said. "You ain't found her?" There was instant worry in his question.

  "Haven't seen her since I left here earlier," I said. "Been walking the length of your fine town looking for her."

  "I was a wonderin' what you were doin'," he said. "Can't imagine what might have happened to her, though. The full moon is still a few days off, so the round-up couldn't have taken her. At least not yet."

  I desperately wanted to ask him what the full moon had to do with anything, and what a round-up was, but he said both so matter-of-factly that I knew I would blow my cover if I asked.

  "Yeah, couldn't be that." I said instead.

  "She was askin' about horses," he said. "Maybe she got one and headed down the road?"

  I shook my head. "I checked. She didn't. Mind if I just sit over there and wait?"

  "Not at all," he said, reaching down and grabbing a glass. Before I could think of a reason to stop him that sounded good, he poured me another glass of the carrot juice.

  "On me," he said, sliding the glass toward me across the bar. "Just tell your friend when you see her that she still owes me a surprise."

  "Oh, trust me," I said. "When she promises a surprise, she always pays off."

  He didn't know how truthful that statement was.

  He beamed at that and I took my glass of juiced carrots and went over and sat down so I could see out the window. The shadows were growing long and the heat was leaving the main street of Evade. It looked as if the nights in this area were pretty chilly. I was glad I hadn't decided to go up to the cliffs just for that reason.

  Let alone whatever a round-up was.

  I took a sip of the carrot juice just to quench my thirst, than sat back and watched the few people still out on the street. They all seemed to have tasks and walked purposefully, tip­ping their hats to each other.

  An hour later I had managed to sip down almost half a glass of the juice.

  My bartender friend was looking a little worried, and the shadows were almost completely across the street. I figured there wasn't much more than a half-hour until sunset.

  "I'm afraid I got to close up, you know," he said finally after pacing back and forth a few times near the bar. "You got a place to bunk for the night?"

  I assumed bunk meant sleep, so I said, "No, haven't given it much thought."

  He looked shocked. It was as if I'd told him I'd killed his mother. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again, but no words came out.

  One of the main buildings right in the center of town had a sign on it that said Hotel Evade, so I tried to cover.

  "Just figuring on stopping in the hotel. Sure hope they got rooms, now that you mention it."

  He looked relieved. "I'm sure they do," he said. "That's the law."

  He laughed and I laughed with him, even though I had no idea what he was talking about.

  "Thanks for the drink," I said, sliding the glass across the table to him and standing. "I guess it is getting dark enough for me to get going." The promise of me leaving had him back to his old happy self.

  "I'm sure your friend will get inside all right," he said, "Maybe she's already at the hotel. When you see her tomorrow, bring her by here for breakfast."

  "It'll be my pleasure," I said. "And your surprise." He laughed. I laughed.

  Then I stepped out onto the sidewalk. He slammed and latched the door behind me, bolting it as if a thousand thugs were going to try to break it down. Then the shutters on the inside of the window closed.

  The shadows were long on the street and there wasn't a person in sight anywhere. Every window was shuttered, every door closed. The sound of music that had come from a few different establishments was now replaced by the silence of the coming darkness. My stomach started to clamp up, not from the little bit of carrot juice, but from worry. Something very major happened at night on this dimension. I didn't know what it might be, but it was something that made this town bolt its doors and get off the street before the sun went down. And if I was smart, I would do the same thing.

  I walked to the end of town and looked up the road toward the rock cliffs. In the fading light there wasn't a soul on the road. Finding Aahz and Tanda would have to wait until tomorrow.

  But I had a feeling that, with every hour, finding them was going to become less and less likely.

  I turned and headed down the sidewalk toward the hotel. The door was closed and shutters were covering the win dows, but when I pounded a very nice woman behind the desk let me in. She didn't ask for anything, or even suggest some thing I could do to pay for my room. She just said it was lucky I got it when I did, then showed me a comfortable room on the second floor with a window that was bolted dosed and the shutters drawn tight.

  There was a bed, a small water basin on a dresser, and an indoor toilet down the hall.

  I thanked her and she went away.

  I checked to see if I could open the shutters, but they were secured solidly. Whatever was going to happen tonight, I wasn't going to be able to see it from this window.

  I lay down on the fairly comfortable bed, not even bother ing to take off my clothes.

  Images of Tanda and Aahz floated through my mind. If Glenda had done something to them on Vortex #6 there wasn't a darn thing I could do to help. I was stuck here, without the ability to hop dimensions, in a world where everyone ate vegetables and was afraid to go out at night.

  Even though there wasn't a sound from outside, it was a very long and sleepless night in that little room.

  Chapter Seven

  "You can't go home again."

  PRINCESS LEIA

  At the first sign of light through the shutters, I went downstairs. The sun was barely up, the shadows still long in the street, yet the front door to the hotel was wide open and all the shutters on the windows had been retracted. These people didn't like the night, that was for sure. I desperately wanted to ask them what they were afraid of, but there just wasn't a way to ask the question without giving away the fact that I didn't belong here, in this dimension. And at the moment I had enough problems to face without bringing more down on my head. Aahz had always told me t
o solve one thing at a time.

  The problem I had right now was that I wasn't sure I could solve any of my problems.

  I went down the street to Audry's, tipping my hat to the guy with the shovel who was back in the street picking up after the horses. My old bartender friend and employer from yesterday had the door to Audry's open and the shutters retracted. I was the first customer.

  "Didn't find her, huh?" he asked as I entered.

  "She must have got sidetracked and stayed with a friend," I said. "She'll show up pretty soon, I bet."

  He winked. "Yeah, pretty women can lose track of time."

  I didn't want to think about how he came up with that.

  I had decided about halfway through the night that I was s o hungry, I could even eat old veggies.

  "Mind if I have a small breakfast and a glass of your wonderful beverage?"

  "You bet," he said, pouring me some of the carrot juice.

  I looked at the glass of orange liquid. Given enough time I might actually only loathe the stuff.

  "You're lucky this morning," he said. "Just got a fresh wagon-load of the best from the fields."

  "Terrific," I said.

  He vanished back into the kitchen and I took up my seat at the window, taking a sip of the juice. It wasn't as bad as I remembered it from yesterday, but I was sure that was because I was another day hungry. From my seat at the table I could see the entire street and all the activity along a part of it. If Aahz and Tanda came down the Main Street, I'd know it.

  The bartender brought me a small plate of veggies that were actually hard and fresh. I was shocked and managed to eat them all over the next three hours, plus finish the entire glass of carrot juice. Surprisingly enough, after that I was no longer hungry.

  But I was a lot more worried about ever seeing Aahz and Tanda again.

  After another hour I decided that I was going to head back up to the cliffs. I offered to wash the plates and clean up the kitchen to pay for my breakfast, but my bartender friend told me to come back later, have some dinner, and do it then. I agreed, hoping I'd never see him or his kitchen again.

  It took just over an hour in the mid-day heat to walk up the road to where we had first arrived in this dimension. I didn't meet anyone on the road, and the air was so hot and silent near the cliffs, it felt as if I was walking through my own tomb.

  I shook myself off and tried not to let my thoughts go to the dark side of this.

  I moved over to the rocks where we had hidden to watch the two guys go by. My head was sweating under my hat so that when I reached the shade near the cliff I took it off.

  I was setting my hat on a rock when I saw the glint of metal tucked down in a crack in the rock. I glanced around, but no one was watching, so I leaned down and looked closer, not believing my eyes. There, tucked into an opening in one rock, was a short metal cylinder, like nothing I had seen in this dim ension so far. It was the D-Hopper.

  I carefully pulled it out, noticing that a folded piece of paper came with it. The map!

  For some reason Aahz and Tanda had left me the D-Hop per and the map. More than likely they had suspected Glenda, while I had been too blind with lust or love to see anything.

  I looked at the D-Hopper to make sure I wasn't hallucinating in the heat. It was real. I held it up like an idol and did a little dance of joy right there behind the rock. For the first time I had some options. I could do something instead of just waiting and hoping. The relief was almost more than I could take.

  "Slow down and think," I said to myself, hearing Aahz's voice in my head as clearly as if he were standing beside me.

  I took a few deep breaths of the hot air and looked out over the valley toward the town below. If Aahz and Tanda had walked up here to hide this for me, Glenda had beat them back to Vortex #6. And more than likely she had gotten the jump on them, which was what had kept them from coming back for me.

  That thought took all the excitement out of the moment. I just hoped they were still alive. Glenda didn't strike me as being bloodthirsty, but I had been wrong about her before. More than likely if she considered Aahz and Tanda competition in getting the treasure, she would do something to stop them. She hadn't considered me a problem.

  But something had stopped them from coming back, that much was clear. They were the ones that now needed rescu ing, not me. The tables had turned and I needed to make sure I did this right. The life of my friends might depend on it.

  I tucked the map in my pouch and sat on the rock with the D-Hopper on my lap, trying to make myself think what I needed to do next. The D-Hopper was set for Vortex #6. That was good, but if I went there, and couldn't find Aahz and Tanda, could I get back here? At least here I could live on carrot juice and bad veggies. I didn't give myself much of a chance on Vortex #6, even with increased magik powers in that dimension.

  I had a slight working knowledge of the D-Hopper from carrying one on the shopping trip with Tanda. There was a place on the D-Hopper that set the current dimension as a return point. I carefully looked over the cylinder, then without changing the setting for Vortex #6, I set the current dimension as a return point.

  I double, then triple-checked myself. If I triggered the D- Hopper I would jump to Vortex #6. If I triggered it again, I would jump back to this spot.

  Okay, that problem was solved.

  I stood and was about to hop when I remembered what I might be going into.

  "Stop and think," I said aloud, again with Aahz's voice echoing through my head.

  With luck, the D-Hopper would put me back into the cabin, but in case it didn't, I needed to be ready.

  What happened if Glenda was still there with them? I needed something to fight her with. I picked up a good-sized rock that fit nicely in my hand. It wasn't much, but it might be enough if it came to a fight.

  "Okay," I said aloud. "Anything else?"

  I couldn't think of anything. And in the heavy coat I was starting to sweat more than I had before.

  "Think, then act," I said, repeating what Aahz had said a hundred times. "It's time to act."

  With one last look at the town of Evade down in the valley, I took a deep breath and triggered the D-Hopper.

  The storm slammed into me like a hammer. I tucked the D-Hopper into my shirt and focused on how Tanda had led us the other three times to the cabin. The dust didn't let me see anything around me, but I knew there were some scattered trees. We had passed them the last two times.

  Tanda had gone slightly downhill and to the right, so I figured out what I thought was directly downhill, then angled a little to the right, counting my steps to make sure that if I was on the wrong path, I could get back. After twenty steps could see the faint shape of a tree. I was sure that had been there the last time, so I kept going.

  Another thirty slogging steps and another tree loomed out of the blowing dust. I thought that had been there as well. So far so good.

  I kept moving for fifty more steps before I saw the faint light in the window of the cabin below me. I had almost missed it, walking too high-along the hillside.

  I eased my way down to the cabin and tried to look in the window, but the dirt and shades made it so that I couldn't see anything.

  It looked as if I was going to have to go in, hard and fast, like a soldier going after a dangerous outlaw.

  I got to the door, braced myself, and eased open the door la tch then shoved hard, the rock from Kowtow ready in my hand as I stumbled in.

  My momentum pushed me three steps into the room be fore I caught my balance and stopped. I had the rock raised to hit at Glenda, who I expected to be standing there, ready to fight me.

  She wasn't there.

  The cabin was warm and comfortable, just like the last time I had seen it.

  Tananda and Aahz were sitting at the table, eating what smelled like beef stew with slices of homemade bread.

  "Nice entrance," Tanda said, smiling at me. "What took you so long?"

  Aahz just shook his head.


  "Shut the door, would you?"

  I stood there with the rock in the air over my head, not really believing what I was seeing. I had so convinced myself that Aahz and Tanda were in trouble that I couldn't believe that they were simply having lunch and waiting for me. Why had they let me stay the entire day and night in Kowtow?

  Why had they chanced that I would even find the D-Hop per where they had left it?

  "Door!" Aahz said. "You born in a barn or something?"

  Behind me the storm was raging, blowing dust into the cabin. I lowered the rock, tossed it out into the dust, and then closed the door.

  Tanda stood and came up to me, smiling. "Aahz, I told you he'd make it just fine," she said, giving me a hug that convinced me that she was just fine, and I wasn't dreaming all this.

  Aahz snorted. "After all the mooning over our friend Glenda, I didn't think his brain would ever work again."

  I asked the one question I wanted to know most of all.

  "Why didn't you come back?"

  "We couldn't," Tanda said, patting me on the back and leading me to the table, where she slid some bread toward me as I sat down.

  I stared at my mentor, who was just eating and not paying much attention to me at the moment. He did that when he was very angry or very happy, and at the moment I honestly didn't know which it was.

  "Stew?" she asked, holding up a pot of what was making the room smell so good. "Glenda left us enough food to last for a few weeks at least."

  "Nice of her," Aahz said, the anger clearly there.

  "When you didn't come back for me I thought you were both dead."

  "We would have been dead in four or five weeks," Aahz said. "When the food ran out."

  Tanda served me up a dish of the stew and then sat down next to me after patting my shoulder.