by Eric Vall
“Isn’t there supposed to be a fighter in here?” I asked curiously as I examined the armory. “The first battle starts in like, five minutes.”
“Probably over there,” Tris observed as she pointed over to a sign that read Showers - This Way. “He’s probably taking a nice, long, hot shower to get his muscles relaxed for the big fight.”
“Showering before the fight?” I chuckled. “Isn’t that a little counter-productive.”
“Not at all, bro,” Todd piped up. “Showering before you do any sort of physical activity is great. It expands your blood vessels, so you can have perfect blood flow while the adrenaline is pumping through your veins. That, and it helps your schlong get bigger.”
“Sounds like you’ve got a lot of experience,” I joked.
Just then, I heard footsteps headed our way. I grabbed Tris and pulled her back against the wall, into a crevice where the lockers and the shelves didn’t quite meet. At the same time, Todd snapped his fingers and turned invisible. Tris and I made ourselves as small as possible and prepared to strike whoever came around that corner.
It was just some normal dude, and he was completely naked, save for the dirty brown towel he had wrapped around his waist. The man whistled as he walked over to one of the lockers, turned the knob, and opened it.
I quickly surveyed the room for anything I could use to take this guy out. Sure, I could have easily run him through with one of the swords or beat his face in with the morning star, but I didn’t want to kill the man. He was an innocent shade who probably didn’t want to be condemned to Hell any more than the other people who were here.
Todd reappeared underneath the bench directly behind the man. He pointed with his tiny claw up at the man’s towel and nodded his head as if to ask if he should make a move or not.
I smiled at the imp, and he took that as a form of confirmation.
Todd flipped up onto the bench, threw out his hand, and yanked away the man’s towel. He rapidly spun it into a rattail, hauled it back, and unleashed right as the shocked warrior was turning around.
The towel snapped through the air with an audible crack as it struck the man in the center of the forehead.
“What the fuck?” he demanded as he rubbed the welt on his head. “Who the fuck are--”
Before he could finish, Todd cackled and cracked him in the stomach. The man doubled over and lashed out at the imp, but he was much too fast. Todd ran in circles around the warrior, snapping him in the ass with the rat-tailed towel as he zigged and zagged just out of the man’s reach. The chase eventually led the warrior over to where Tris and I were standing, and I instinctively stuck out my foot in his path.
The man’s eyes widened as he tripped over my leg and then tumbled to the ground. He rolled across the floor like an out-of-control top until he finally smashed into the nearest locker with a loud crash.
Before he could even stir, I held out my hand, summoned green Hellfire, and used it to surround the bulky suit of armor with flames. I yanked my hand toward me, and the armor-clad mannequin let out a creak as it toppled over on top of the man.
He was now unconscious, and he was completely pinned to the ground. He wasn’t going anywhere, even if he wanted to.
“I’m not gonna lie,” Todd said with a sigh as he walked back over to us. “I had way more fun with that than I thought I would.”
“Well, I guess the strongest armor is out,” I observed and pointed to the bulky suit on the ground. “Do I go for speed or protection?”
“Why not both?” Tris blurted out.
The brunette succubus walked over to the traditional suit of armor and placed her hand against its shoulder. “This bad boy will give you the best of both worlds,” she said with a grin.
“Won’t that make me slow?” I questioned.
Tris and Todd both looked at me like I had two heads. Finally, Todd facepalmed.
“Jakey, didn’t you watch any of those videos I e-mailed you?” he sighed. “I found some really cool shit about armor on the internet.”
“Yeaaahhh,” I responded awkwardly, “the last time I clicked on a video link you sent me, the whole library got to hear ‘Four Girls Share a Micropenis’ on full blast.”
“That video was an instant classic!” the imp argued. “You’d think there’d be nothing to work with, but they have a whole twenty-minute video about it. Whoever came up with that shit should win an Oscar.”
“Uh-huh,” I played along with the Toddster. “Now about that armor … ”
“Oh, right,” he brought himself back on track. “Everybody thinks knight armor is super heavy and hard to move in, but it’s totally not true. Medieval knights could do full-on jumping jacks and combat rolls while suited up.”
“Well shit,” I whistled. “That sounds good to me. Let’s get this show on the road.”
Tris and Todd spent the next ten minutes helping me secure each piece of armor on my body. It did add a little bit of bulk, but it was nowhere near as heavy as I thought it’d be. More importantly, however, it was going to keep me protected from whatever demonic terrors my opponents could think of. The silver metallic plating was cool against my body, but it fit as snugly as a glove. I pulled on the gauntlets, strapped on the boots, and then let out a gasp of air as Tris tightened the breastplate to my body extra tightly.
“That just leaves the ‘ol noggin,” Todd mused as he looked over the assortment of helmets on the wall.
The imp grabbed the helmet with the plume and examined it carefully. “You should totally fight with this one, Jakey,” he said as he tried to keep a straight face. “Nothing says ‘badass demon slayer’ like a giant-ass red ostrich feather. And with this visor? You’ll look like a giant metal bird of death.”
Todd and I looked at each other for a moment, and then we broke out into uproarious laughter. After a minute or two, the imp wiped away a tear of joy and tossed the helmet off to the side with a loud clang. Then he turned back to the wall of helmets and started to window-shop once more.
“Hmmm …” he pondered. “Too wide … too dorky … too dick-like … aha!”
Todd snatched up a cylinder-shaped helmet that was dark gray and had a large, golden, cross-shaped symbol across its front.
I recognized it immediately as the type of mask worn by members of the Knights Templar.
“If you’re gonna go out there and kick a bunch of demon ass, what’d be a better ‘fuck you’ than wearing the sign of the Exalted One?” the imp snickered as he scurried up my back and placed the helmet down on my head.
The world went black for a moment as the hunk of metal was pulled down over my head, and then my vision was restricted to two large, rectangular eye holes.
“Is this really the best we can do?” my voice echoed in the helmet as I tested out my mobility. “My vision is kinda restricted.”
I had a full range of motion with my head and neck, but there were the outlines of dark rectangles all around my peripheral vision. Sure, I could see, but that was going to get annoying really fucking quick.
“It’s what we got, bro,” Todd replied. “You could go helmetless, but I don’t want you to come crying to me when your head gets smashed like a Gallagher watermelon.”
“Fair enough,” I sighed. “What about the other helmets? Are there any others that would let me see better?”
“There’s the one with the fucked-up cage thing on the face,” Tris offered.
“Yeahhhh, but that makes me think of the dude from Monty Python,” Todd argued. “I want my boy to look like a badass out there, not a mustachioed momma’s boy.”
“It’s fine,” I promised as I pulled the helmet off and held it at my side. “I can make this thing work. Now we just need a weapon … ”
“Bro, you gotta go with the broadsword,” Todd interjected. “You can’t wear a suit of fucking armor and not go with the classic.”
“I think he needs the crossbow,” Tris suggested. “He can hit people from a distance, and it uses a lot less stamina. Ja
cob’s already gonna be tired from moving around in all that armor. Why make him work any more than he has to?”
Todd and I both stared at the succubus in disbelief.
“B-Because I’m going to be literally fighting for my life?” I laughed uncomfortably. “Probably against deadly demons with Hellfire powers.”
“Why doesn’t he just take both?” Todd finally suggested. “He can use the crossbow at long range, and if those bastards get too close, he’ll skewer ‘em like a shrimp ‘an the barbi.”
The tall brunette strutted over to the wall, plucked a medium-length broadsword in its sheath, and handed it to me happily. As I strapped the sheath around my waist, the succubus returned with a crossbow and a quiver full of bolts.
I slung the quiver across my body like I’d seen in the movies, and then I held the sight of the crossbow up to my eye. “This is gonna be a bitch to aim in that helmet,” I admitted, “but I definitely need a long-distance weapon. God knows what I’ll be facing out there.”
Just then, I heard the sound of a trumpet reverberate through the walls of the tunnel.
“Oh shit!” Tris gasped. “I think that’s our cue! You go on out there, Jacob. Todd and I will grab you some back-up weapons and armor and then meet you out there as soon as we can.”
“Knock ‘em dead, Jakey!” Todd called out as I approached the mouth of the tunnel. “No, seriously. Make sure they’re dead as fuck before you let your guard down. Double tap ‘em if you have to.”
“I’ll do that,” I chuckled as I moved further down the path that led back out to the arena.
When I arrived at the other end of the tunnel, I took in the massive crowd packed into the wooden bleachers of the colosseum. There was a jester-like figure currently performing in the center of the sandy arena, much to the amusement of the crowd. They roared with laughter as he did his acrobatic flips and twirls, occasionally falling flat on his face for comedic effect.
“There you are,” Ira’s voice suddenly purred in my ear. “I was worried you’d gotten lost.”
I turned around and saw the Sister of Wrath had returned to the arena and was waiting for me patiently at the tunnel entrance.
“I was worried you’d gotten caught,” I shot back playfully. “Or worse, that you’d really hurt yourself.”
Ira let out a small snort. “Please,” she clicked. “I was in complete control the entire time. My little fall worked like a charm. The guard helped me back to the infirmary, and the second we were out of sight, I healed myself and ran him through with my morning star. I tossed him in the dumpster out back, sealed the lid shut with my Hellfire, and came back to find you.”
“You killed him?” I gasped.
“They’re Shades, Jacob,” she reiterated. “They can’t die because they’ve been condemned to eternal torture. If they could, it would kinda defeat the purpose, no? Keep that in mind while you’re out there fighting against them.”
“So they can’t die?” I tried to confirm. “I won’t be out there murdering a bunch of innocent people?”
“Of course not.” She shook her head. “They’ll just get injured, and then they’ll go back to the infirmary to heal up and rest. Now, if you face any of Azazel’s demon minions … that is a fight to the death. It’s all part of his twisted system of promotion.”
I shrugged. “I’ve had bosses do worse,” I joked. “But also how do you ‘run someone through’ with a morning star.”
“Oh, it probably hurt him a lot. That’s the point.” Ira placed her slender hand against the breastplate of the armor tenderly. “You know, I think that armor is super hot,” she cooed and bit her lip. “When we’re done here, remind me to rip it off you and ride your dick raw.”
“Easy there, cowgirl,” I laughed and ran my hand through the succubus’ dark hair. “We’re still working up to the really kinky stuff, remember?”
“Are you ready for this?” Ira asked once more. “Once the jester leaves the field, the announcer will call the first few combatants out. As soon as the trumpet sounds again, it’ll be a free-for-all.”
“I’ll be fine,” I promised with a smile. “Todd and I watched a lot of Royal Rumble growing up, remember?”
Just as the words finished leaving my mouth, the jester rolled out of sight. Ira locked her violet eyes with mine, and then she gave me a playful slap on the rear.
“Go get ‘em, my love,” she said forcefully and then stepped back into the mouth of the cave.
“Laaaadddiiieess and gentlemen!” an announcer’s voice boomed through the stadium. “Who’s ready for some bloodshed?”
The entire colosseum erupted into primal cheers at the man’s words that went on for nearly two full minutes. When they finally subsided, the announcer continued.
“Now, before we begin today, we have a very special announcement from our lord and master, Azazel,” he went on, “but don’t take it from me. Here’s the King of the Fourth Circle himself!”
My heart sank into my stomach as I soaked in the man’s words. Was Azazel here? Did he know I was here, in this very coliseum? Was this all a trap?
I scanned the crowd for any signs of the big red fucker, but I couldn’t see anything from down here. At this level, everyone further than the front few rows looked like a blur of colors.
“Good morning, citizens of the Fourth Circle,” Azazel’s booming voice suddenly came over the PA system, and the crowd fell dead silent. “It is I, your master. The Father of Warfare, and the King of the Fourth Circle. It has recently come to my attention that Jacob Ralston and the succubi he stole from me are loose in my domain. If you see a man and two women in strange-looking clothes, tell my royal guard immediately. They’re also traveling with a small, pathetic imp who is nearly insufferable. I’m offering a full day in the First Circle to anyone who brings me Ralston and my succubi, and I’ll throw in an actual Earthly feast for whoever kills that annoying fucking imp.”
I could almost hear Todd’s snarky comeback in my head, but my mind was much too focused on the task at hand. It didn’t sound like Azazel knew we were at this tournament, but he would surely know we had been in the village soon enough.
Before I could think any further, the announcer began again. “Thank you, oh wise master,” he said as he kissed Azazel’s ass. “Now, let’s begin. Fighters, take your marks!”
I took a deep breath, placed my helmet back onto my head, and stepped out onto the sand. The crowd roared with glee as we stepped out to the roar of the crowd and the sun beating down on our armored bodies.
There were three other warriors, one for each of the remaining tunnels. The first fighter was a blond man wearing chainmail and a leather skirt, but nothing else. In his hands he held two small yet highly lethal daggers, and I noticed a slingshot and a pouch hanging from his waist.
The second man was way larger than anyone else standing on the battlefield. He was decked out in a suit of armor so dark, it almost looked like it was made out of copper. It made him appear somewhat wide, but I couldn’t tell if it was just the cut of the metal or if he really was as bulky as his frame suggested. In his hands he held a deadly warhammer, with one side that flattened down into a spiky head and another that shaped into a long, curved claw.
I really, really didn’t want to find out what that thing felt like.
The last combatant completely forgoed metal and wore a type of armor composed of thick leather panels. It spread out across his shoulders like the pads of a football player and hung all the way down past his waist. Underneath he had on a green, long-sleeve shirt and plain brown pants topped off with dark leather boots. His brown hair was long and gangly, and it hung past his wild eyes in frayed strands. He had a flail with three massive, spiked balls on the end of their chains, and something in his crazed expression told me he knew how to use them.
I reached over, tightened my grip on my crossbow, and waited for the signal.
The trumpet blared like the roar of a bull, and my opponents all drew their weapons. The wildman wit
h the flail charged directly at the bulky knight, and he closed the gap in seconds. He let out a crazed battle cry as he struck the knight in the side with his weapon and tried to tackle his opponent to the ground.
As much as I wanted to watch that battle play out, the sound of approaching footsteps snapped me back to reality. I quickly snatched a bolt out of the quiver, pulled it in the crossbow, and spun around to face my opponent. He was dashing across the sandy terrain with his daggers at the ready, and I figured he’d be on me in seconds.
I raised my weapon, took aim as best I could, and fired off a bolt directly at my charging enemy.
The entire crossbow shook as its deadly bolt was launched forward. My opponent tried to dodge to the left, but the projectile struck him in the shoulder and caused him to spin around, stumble, and then fall to the ground with a spray of sand. He pulled himself to his knees, undid the slingshot from his belt, and began to fumble around in his side pouch.
I cocked back the string on the crossbow, pulled out another bolt from the quiver, placed it into the groove, and yanked back the string. Then I raised the sight up to my eye and took aim at the bastard, ready to go for the kill shot.
Before I could pull the trigger, I felt a tiny pebble smash against the breastplate of my armor. There was a loud “boom,” and my body was thrown backward violently. My crossbow flew from my hand and skidded across the sandy ground as I tumbled across the arena. When I finally came to a stop, I felt down at my torso, just to make sure I was still in one piece.
The metal of the breastplate was hot as hell and had been slightly dented, but it was still mostly intact. Thank fuck I’d gone with this armor, or my guts would be splattered across the stands of the coliseum right now.
I pulled myself to my feet right as my attacker launched another pebble with his slingshot. The tiny bead arced through the air and headed directly for my head, but I was prepared this time. I threw up a shield of protective Hellfire in front of the pebble’s trajectory, and it exploded into a cluster of flames against the violet shimmer.
A gasp of shock washed over the crowd, immediately followed by hushed whispers.
