by Eric Vall
“You’re a demon?” the man in the chainmail asked as he readied his slingshot again. “This will make victory waaaay more satisfying.”
He launched another exploding pebble at me, and I quickly dispelled it with a wave of my enchanted hand.
Ira was right, my opponents were nothing more than Shades, and they apparently didn’t know how to use magic themselves. This whole exercise should be a fucking cakewalk.
The fucker pulled back his slingshot again and released. As soon as he let go of the elastic band, I threw up a barrier of purple right in front of his body. The incendiary projectile struck the wall of flames and exploded into a fiery inferno. The deadly attack splashed back against the man’s body, and his whole figure lit up like a Christmas tree.
The man in the chainmail screamed as he fell to the ground and began to roll around haphazardly in the hopes that the fire would go out.
I drew my sword from its hilt and began to approach my enemy, ready to deliver the killing blow. However, I didn’t get more than two steps before I was struck in the side of the head by an unseen force. My helmet prevented the blow from being fatal, but my brain rattled in my skull from the force of the hit, and I stumbled to the ground in pain.
“Yeah, them helmets are a real bitch to see in,” a crazed voice cackled. “That’s why I don’t use ‘em. Too easy for an enemy to hit you upside the head!”
My vision was still fuzzy as I jerked my body around and stabbed at my enemy with my sword. I saw a blurry figure hop to the side, toss his flail back behind his body, and then swing it upward. There was another painful crash in my jaw, and my helmet was tossed from my head. I fell back into the sand and squinted to avoid being blinded by the light of the sun.
Before the crazed warrior had a chance to crack my skull like an egg, I tossed down a portal of green flames beneath my body. I felt myself fall through the emerald Hellfire as my body was transported through space and time, and then I forced myself to reappear a few feet behind the wild warrior.
The crowd cheered at my actions, and I suddenly felt the throbbing in my head begin to die down. I could now see the guy I’d lit on fire was being hauled away by a group of medics. On the other side of the battlefield, the bulky knight with the warhammer was on the ground. A large pool of blood mixed together with the sand around him to form a slushy mess of gore, and he was twitching in a disturbing manner.
It was just me and this wild fucker.
My opponent turned around and smiled as his eyes went even more wild. Then he dashed across the sandy ground like a cheetah, tossing spurts of sand into the air behind him as he ran.
I fell back into a fighting stance, sword still in hand, and prepared for the assault.
Once he was a few feet away, the bastard pulled back his flail and swung it at me sideways. I let out a grunt of determination as I lashed out and blocked his attack. Sparks flew off my sword as the sound of heavy metal on metal rang out into the air. I quickly spun around and brought my sword up at a diagonal angle, intent on slicing the fucker’s arm off. Instead, he sidestepped the attack and took another swing at my exposed head.
I threw up a portal of green Hellfire, and the spiked balls entered and reappeared directly in front of the wildman’s chest. He let out a grunt of pain and surprise as the barbs of his own weapon stabbed into his sternum.
Now was my chance.
I brought my sword down and slashed it against the asshole’s left leg. He screamed as the muscles and tendons were sliced free of their bones, and a splash of warm blood fell onto the ground behind him. My enemy fell to his knees, and I quickly stepped back and took a swing at his neck.
Just before my blade connected with the fleshy meat of his neck, the chains of the flail shot up and wrapped around it. The man yanked his weapon backward, and the sword was ripped from my hands, spun through the air, and stuck into the ground behind us. The next thing I knew, the fucker brought his fist up and uppercutted me in the jaw.
The blow knocked me back a step or two, but it was really nothing compared to the kind of punches I was used to taking. I’d fought demons and fallen Archangels, after all.
My opponent struggled to his feet and swung his flail as hard as he could. I deflected it with a flash of purple Hellfire, and then I retaliated with a haymaker of my own. Blood sprayed from the wildman’s mouth as my attack connected, and he collapsed back onto his wounded leg. He weakly tried to hit me with his spiked weapon, but he was far too gone to do any real damage. The blow rattled off the side of my armor, but it did little more than leave a tiny series of dents.
I thought about the succubi as I called forth my passion. Red Hellfire appeared in my right hand, and the crowd roared with excitement. As soon as my attack was strong enough, I threw my open palm forward and blasted the wildman at point-blank range. His body caught fire instantly as he was thrown across the sandy ground, and he rolled for nearly twenty feet before he came to a stop.
The crowd was now on their feet, screaming and whistling at the top of their lungs. I took in their cheers for a moment as their voices boomed in my eardrums. For a moment, I forgot I was in Hell. Unfortunately, I was brought back to reality as they all began to chant something.
“Fi-nish him! Fi-nish him!” they hissed.
I looked over at my defeated enemy. He laid there on the ground, burnt to a toasty crisp, but he was still very much alert.
The wildman struggled to get back on his knees, and I realized just how fucked up he looked. His long hair had been singed off his head, and the few strands that remained were now scattered around his scalp in greasy clumps. The flesh on his face was covered with third-degree burns, and I could see bits of charred muscle and bone peeking out through his missing skin. He looked awful, but he was still trying to fight back.
Ira was right. These Shades really didn’t know how to die.
The crowd continued to chant as they demanded blood. Normally, I would be against just killing somebody in cold blood, even if I knew they’d make a full recovery. However, my friends and I had literally been through Hell the last few days, and I wasn’t feeling particularly generous. Besides, this fucker was in no state to keep going. “Ending” him quickly would be mercy.
I began to approach my foe as he tried to stand. As I walked, I reached out with my emerald Hellfire, encircled the warhammer the bulky knight had dropped, and called it into my hands. The hammer was much heavier than I expected it to be, but I guess I should have expected that from a literal two-handed weapon. Once the tool of execution was in my possession, I increased my gait, and the crowd went wild. I raised the warhammer above my head and then brought it down angrily.
The blunt end of the weapon smashed into the top of the fucker’s head, and there was a loud crunch as it split his skull open like an overripe melon. He crumbled to the ground and twitched as his brains spilled out of his head and turned the sand into a soupy mixture of gore.
I raised the warhammer over my head in victory, and the crowd went crazy in response.
A few Shades appeared out of the nearest tunnel, placed the poor bastard’s body on a stretcher, and rushed him back to the infirmary. He may not have been able to die, but that asshole was going to remember this brutal asskicking for the rest of eternity.
The crowd cheered for another minute or two, and then they went eerily silent, like somebody had just flipped a switch and turned their applause off.
“Congratulations to our round one victor!” the man announced over the PA.
Round one? Mother fucker …
“Now, who is ready for the main event?” the announcer prodded, and the crowd responded with hoots and whistles. “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Shades of all ages … please welcome to the field our reigning champion! He’s the destroyer of temples, the commander of forty legions, the demon who’s never lost a single fight in the history of this joust … Malphas!”
Just as the announcer’s spiel finished, there was a loud cawing sound that echoed through
the tunnel on the furthest end of the arena. Seconds later a large, black creature swooped out of the tunnel and flew around the perimeter of the coliseum, much to the crowd’s delight. It fluttered down and landed on the ground about fifty feet in front of me, and I took in the demon’s full form.
Malphas’ entire upper half was a strange human-crow hybrid. He wore no armor on his torso, but his chest, shoulders, and arms were covered with thick black feathers that glistened in the sunlight. The lower half of the demon was human and adorned with thick golden plate armor and matching boots. There were several symbols etched into the armor, but I couldn’t quite make out what they were. They reminded me of what I’d seen in The Lesser Key of Solomon, so I just assumed they were Hebrew of some sort. Malphas also had two large, bird-like wings jutting out of his back, but his arms and hands were anthropomorphic.
His head, on the other hand? That was straight crow. He had large, beady, black eyes and a triangular beak dark as his plume.
The demon was the size of a regular human, but I could see his giant muscles rippling beneath his feathers.
I shifted the warhammer over so it was being held in one hand, and then I called forth my green Hellfire. I picked up my helmet with the telekinetic flames and called it back into my hands. Then I swiftly forced it back onto my noggin, repositioned myself into a fighting stance, and readied the warhammer.
“Before we begin,” the announcer continued, “I must remind all of you of the Issuance of Provocation. As much as we love Malphas here in Thea, he’s been the champion for millennia. A true one-on-one fight wouldn’t be fair. Is there anyone here in this stadium who would like to join our ‘hero’ in his fight for the title?”
The crowd was silent, and my stomach twisted in my body. They’ve been watching this demon take down challengers for thousands of years. They knew exactly what he was capable of, and their silence was deafening.
I was on my own.
Just then, there was the faint sound of a guitar riff from the tunnel behind me. Instantly, I recognized it as the opening riff of one of Todd’s favorite songs, Thunderstruck. Malphas and I both turned around to see what was going on, and the song got louder as three armored figures appeared at the mouth of the tunnel.
It was Ira, Tris, and Todd.
The imp must have transformed into a human-sized figure, because he was wearing the bulky suit from the armory. He also had a huge-ass sword attached to his belt, a mace in his left hand, and a small radio in the other.
Tris was leather-clad in a suit that was comically large on her body. She wore an assassin-like hood over her head to conceal her identity, but the two miniature crossbows on her hip gave her away.
Meanwhile, Ira was wearing the chainmail armor from the armory, the one with the leather skirt at its bottom. On her head, she wore the rounded helmet with the grate face that Todd had branded the “dickhead helmet.” The Sister of Wrath had forgone the flashy new weapons from the prep room and instead stuck with her own morning star.
It was quite fitting for her, actually.
“We will challenge Malphas,” Ira answered.
“L-ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer nearly stumbled over his words, “for the first time in three-hundred years, we have a group challenge!”
My friends appeared beside me, and we all turned back to face the crow demon.
“Tag team match, bro,” Todd growled. “Let’s D-Generation X this motherfucker, Jakey.”
Chapter 3
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first team-challenge against Malphas in centuries,” the announcer’s booming voice sputtered over the PA system. “Because it’s been so long, here’s a little refresher course on the rules. Only one combatant is allowed to be in the ring at a time. The other three members of the team must stay in their corner and wait to be summoned by the current combatant.”
“Total tag-team match, bro,” Todd’s muffled voice whispered through his suit of armor.
“The battle ends when either party has been completely wiped out,” the voice finished. “Will this be the day Malphas falls? Probably not. But it’s gonna be a fun joust either way!”
“I’ll go first,” Ira offered. “You need some time to rest and recuperate.”
“I’ll be fine,” I promised. “The armor took most of the blows, anyway.”
The succubus shook her head and clicked her tongue. “No, no,” she argued. “I’ve been itching for a good one-on-one fight for quite some time.”
“If you insist,” I conceded. “Let’s give her some space, guys.”
Tris, Todd, and I ran over to the side of the arena and took our places. Ira tightened her grip on her morning star, narrowed her eyes, and dug her feet into the ground.
Malphas simply cocked his head like a bird and let out an angry squawk. The demon used one of his feather-covered hands to remove a miniature spear from the holster on his armor, twirled it around, and then held it at the ready. The weapon had to be the smallest spear I’d ever laid my eyes on. It was only about as long as the demon’s forearm, which made it the perfect size for short, precise jabs. It’s design was about as basic as they come, just a brown wooden hilt and a small triangular blade on the top.
I guess when you have twelve-inch-long talons on your feet, the fancy weaponry wasn’t really needed.
The trumpet sounded, and the battle began. Malphas screeched as he charged forward with his spear held out behind him like a tail. He swirled his spear around and stabbed at the succubus, but she was quick enough to roll out of his way.
As the succubus tumbled across the sand, she let loose a blast of red Hellfire. The fireball careened across the landscape toward Malphas, intent on turning him into a pile of charred feathers.
The bird-demon used his wings to zip up into the air, out of harm’s way, and the fireball passed underneath him harmlessly. He dive-bombed Ira feet-first just as she was regaining her footing, and she had no choice but to fall backward onto her ass to avoid the attack. She let out a gasp of surprise as his claw struck her in the right arm and left a massive slice in her flesh.
Ira looked down at the wound, growled with frustration, and then healed it up with a flash of golden Hellfire. Then the dark-haired woman held her morning star up like a baseball bat and shifted her weight back and forth as she waited for Malphas to return. When he finally swooped back down, she lined up her swing and struck him directly in the chest.
The demon let out a screech of pain as he was knocked from the sky and crashed into the ground. He pulled himself to his feet and looked down at the fresh wound on his chest. It wasn’t anything serious, but there was visible blood on his feathers.
A gasp of surprise spread across the crowd when they saw that the mighty Malphas had been hurt.
Meanwhile, the succubus was already making her next move. Ira dashed toward the bird-demon and lashed out at his feet, but he was too quick. Malphas leapt over her blow, pulled his legs up into his body, and hit her square in the chest with a kangaroo kick. Ira’s body flipped through the air, but she was able to catch herself and land on her hands and knees.
Before she could get a chance to re-orient herself, Malphas dug his foot into the ground in front of him and kicked up a cloud of sand at the succubus. Ira summoned pink Hellfire around her face right as the sand struck her, and the bird-demon let out a shriek as he was blinded by his own attack.
“Mirror magic, mother fucker!” Todd hooted.
The Sister of Wrath used this distraction to her advantage. She propelled herself off the ground, summoned forth her bat-like wings, and tackled Malphas into the air. The two bodies rocketed through the air and smashed through a large pillar on the far side of the stands.
The audience scattered as brimstone debris fell down from the ceiling, but it didn’t seem to matter to the two combatants. Ira and Malphas tumbled around, dodging the falling rocks as they kicked and clawed at each other. Finally, the demon-bird threw out his right talon and dug its tips into Ira’s chainmail armo
r.
Malphas swooped down to the ground with his helpless passenger in tow. Ira swung her morning star at the demon, but her blows were bouncing harmlessly off his armored trunk. The bird demon held out Ira’s body in front of him as he approached the ground, and a huge shower of grit shot up into the sky as he slammed her into it.
“Shit, Jakey,” Todd exclaimed. “She’s getting her ass kicked. Now would be a good time to tag someone else in.”
“But how?” Tris shot back. “She’s all the way across the arena, and she’s not getting over here any time soon.”
A sudden epiphany hit me. “If she can’t come to us, we’ll go to her,” I announced and summoned green Hellfire into my hands.
I cast two portals, one in front of our position and another one that was directly to Ira’s left. Within seconds of it’s opening, Ira’s slender hand appeared through the emerald flames. Before Tris or I could react, Todd reached out and slapped it enthusiastically.
“It’s the Toddster’s turn to shine,” he exclaimed as he sat the radio down on the ground, twirled his mace, and stepped into the arena.
Malphas released his grip on Ira, and I saw a flash of golden Hellfire as she healed herself back to full strength. The demon-bird didn’t hesitate to move on his new target, and he shot toward Todd like a speeding bullet.
“Batter up!” Todd cackled and swung at the incoming demon.
The imp’s blow completely missed, and he spun around like a top as Malphas struck him with his deadly spear. Sparks flew from Todd’s armor, and he was knocked to the ground, but he didn’t appear to be hurt.
“Holy fuck, Power Rangers was right!” he sighed with relief when he realized he wasn’t wounded. “Armor just sparks when the bad-guy hits you! I really, reallllly hope there’s something in the armory that summons the Dragon Zord.”
“Heads up, Todd!” I exclaimed when I saw Malphas coming back around.
The imp just scoffed and waved away my concern. “Didn’t you see, bro?” he laughed. “The Toddster’s armor is impenetrable! That needle-dick of a spear isn’t gonna do jack-shit against--”
