"High One."
The voice jolted The High Queen back into The Realm, “You should be resting, Healer. Your head is not yet healed."
"It is healed enough. Come. Walk with me, High One."
San'lr'in’ looked at Ann'wn, saw that she also looked surprised, then turned and walked with The Healer.
Many turns had passed since Sle'nel', Caitha and Shr'dler'in had been rescued. During those turns, San'lr'in’ had given fully of all her healing powers and spells onto them, helping them to heal quickly from the most serious of the wounds. While Sle'nel’ remained yet healing, The Healer and Caitha were much improved because of The High Queen's overly-obsessed attentions on them.
During their eves alone, Ann'wn had told Shr'dler'in of what The High Queen was going through. The Healer had gone to see Caitha and told her of The High Queen's obsessions. Caitha had informed The Healer that Sle'nel’ also seemed most saddened.
"They each now believe that the other no longer desires them. A sad affair. The High Queen must think that Sle'nel’ could no longer wish to be with her, while The Elf must feel that she is no longer desirable after what the Dark Sorcerer did to her."
Together, they determined and plotted how to best help their Queen and Elf
"Why does she think this to be her blame? She saved us.” Caitha couldn't understand why San'lr'in’ remained so wracked with guilt over their injuries, with the exception of what Sle'nel’ had endured.
The Healer nodded gently, yet recovering from her great head wound, “It is who our High Queen is. She has always taken on such burden. It is why she is so well loved. But it is an overly difficult burden to bear, so we must convince her of otherwise. If we don't believe her guilty, why should she feel as such? But we can help them. Here is what we will do..."
As Shr'dler'in and The High Queen entered Sle'nel's tent, San'lr'in’ asked, “Why do we go here, Healer?"
"We were visiting with each other, and both Sle'nel’ and Caitha became with pain. I cannot provide any healing as yet."
The High Queen nodded, knowing the obvious truth of the statement. She smiled softly at Caitha and Sle'nel’ when she saw them. Even though her heart pounded with excitement at seeing her Elf and seeing her much recovered, she kept herself at a distance from the emotion, knowing full well that this is what the Elf would desire.
She looked at Caitha, “You are with pain?"
"A little. My head."
The High Queen placed her hands on Caitha's head very tenderly. She felt deeply in Caitha's mind, examining it for any mental issues left over from the ordeal. She removed the few she found, then removed Caitha's pain, and provided more of her own healing powers.
"My arm could use a little assistance, High One, if you are able."
The High Queen nodded, “I am pleased to do this for you, Healer."
While she was helping The Healer, The Healer began talking to her, “Thank you for saving us, High One. We never lost hope in this."
Caitha nodded and added, “I have never prior seen such a display of powers as you provided. It made me feel much improved to see that evil one have to take as such."
San'lr'in’ heard them, but said nothing. She simply nodded and smiled softly, but with distance. She looked at Sle'nel’ and saw her staring off into nowhere, “Are you with pain, Elf?"
Sle'nel’ looked sad, but had looked as such since the ordeal with the Dark Sorcerer. While Ann'wn and the others had been overly concerned about their Queen, The Healer and Caitha had become concerned over the Elf's own distancing from The Realm. She had spoken very little since her return from the Dark Sorcerer, and had displayed no signs of wishing to be in The Realm.
She merely shook her head and responded with barely a whisper, “I know not, but my body seems to be healing. It matters not. I care nothing of this."
"She has told us that she feels—"
"No! You have not this right."
The High Queen looked first at Caitha, who had first spoken, then at Sle'nel', who had reprimanded Caitha, “How do you feel, Elf? Are you in pain?"
She said nothing, and looked almost angry.
The Healer spoke, “Her knee is hurting her this turn, High One."
The High Queen crouched down near her lover, “Your knee?"
Sle'nel’ nodded, desiring her Queen's touch, her nearness, but also wanting to desire nothing ever again. Like her Queen, never again did she wish to feel her emotions. And she knew that her Queen could no longer desire her presence so tried to distance herself away from the Queen she loved so well. San'lr'in’ couldn't understand that Sle'nel’ was feeling even more hurt by her as the moment of betrayal with Sam.
San'lr'in’ placed both her hands on Sle'nel's knee and sent all her available healing powers into it, removing the remaining pain.
Sle'nel’ touched San'lr'in's hand as it now covered her knee, “Thank you."
It was Sle'nel's signal to her that it had been enough healing, but after their separation and quiet unspoken desperation, the touch had opened a passage. The High Queen closed her eyes at the feeling of Sle'nel's hand upon her own, shivering slightly at its surprising intensity. The feeling had erupted from her, making her desire more.
She looked down at Sle'nel's hand, wanting to take it into her own. She studied it for a moment, wanting to return the touch, but knowing that Sle'nel’ would never desire anyone's touch again; especially hers.
Surprisingly to Sle'nel', the touch had awoken her emotions for her Queen. She held her breath for a moment, not wanting to feel, fighting against it. But she didn't remove her hand.
Neither moved.
They were fully hesitant in the moment, desiring more, but afraid of such. Their feelings felt overly raw and sensitive, for each of them.
The High Queen finally breathed, then moved her hands, “How is your shoulder?"
Sle'nel’ also breathed in deeply as she took her hand back to her. She tried to make the moment more light, laughing softly, “I think I now fully understand what A'lon'lden must have endured."
San'lr'in’ sighed, understanding the statement. She nodded and moved her hand to her lover's cheek, forgetting her vow to remain distant, “I was so certain I could keep you safe from such as this. I have failed you."
Sle'nel’ trembled at the touch, her body beginning to shake. She closed her eyes, then slowly and hesitantly moved her hand onto San'lr'in's. She didn't want the feeling to leave.
Please need me. Please remain with me.
The High Queen had thought that Sle'nel’ would never again desire her touch, so was surprised. She sensed Sle'nel's thoughts for a moment.
Again surprised, she answered Sle'nel's unspoken thoughts, “Of course I need you, My Elf. More than you can know. But I am ashamed of Myself for allowing this occurrence. I have become weak, or this never would have occurred. This never should have occurred."
Sle'nel’ looked into her Queen's eyes for the first moment since the rescue, seeing the kindest yet saddest of looks, “It was you who gave me my strength. If you stand as distant, ashamed of yourself, ashamed of me, then where am I to find such courage?"
"Ashamed of you? I could never be so. You astound Me in your braveness. But you shouldn't depend so on Me for your strength, My Elf."
Sle'nel's eyes narrowed at the use of the term ‘braveness', and her voice yet again became distant at the memory of what it took to fight against the Dark Sorcerer, “Bravery is merely fear holding on but one moment more, only."
The High Queen was stunned at the statement, “Yes. This is truth, most certain, My Wise One. But bravery is yet the term for it. And loyalty. You saved your friends from greater harm. You maintained hope."
Sle'nel’ ignored the statement, but saw the tenderness in her lover's eyes. She touched The High Queen's arm, then moved down it slowly until their hands touched. As she held her Queen's hand, San'lr'in’ squeezed it lightly. The feeling was like fire to both of them.
Neither moved.
Neither bre
athed.
After a moment, she asked, “Is this a brave moment, my Queen?"
San'lr'in’ smiled at the question, “No. This is, most certain, fear holding on but one moment more.” Then, trying to regain control of herself, she asked, “Do you have much pain?"
Sle'nel’ had some, but thought it enough under control to not worry over, so shook her head. She noticed that their hands were yet firmly locked together. She looked back into her Queen's eyes, seeing softness and love. Her heart pounded as she remained frozen with uncertainty. After her ordeal with the Dark Sorcerer, she certainly never wished to be touched again, but needed and desired her Queen's touch and love more than anything she had ever felt. She didn't know what to do with her most conflicted feelings.
San'lr'in’ returned Sle'nel's stare, feeling more comforted in the moment than she had anticipated. She didn't want their hands to separate, noticing that they were holding on tightly together. She could barely breathe and didn't quite know how to move in the moment.
Sle'nel’ responded to her Queen's question, “You have controlled it well enough. Even now, most of my bruises have diminished greatly. Do you have any powers left? You must have used them all on us."
She laughed lightly, “It would seem that all My powers went into healing the three of you. In truth, I have felt overly guilty, so over-extended My powers in this fashion, but I did so freely. I will recover them soon enough."
The High Queen brought Sle'nel's hand to her lips and kissed it as if it were the most prized possession in all of existence. She hadn't realized she was beginning to open up to her Elf, but did know that she didn't wish to leave.
Sle'nel’ shivered at the feeling, afraid of being touched, but needing and desiring to be touched. The feeling of her lover's lips upon her hand took her breath away.
She fought to maintain her balance, “You look most tired, My Love."
As San'lr'in’ kissed Sle'nel's hand, she could smell her aroma. She closed her eyes and breathed it in. The aroma was so familiar to her that it was comforting, yet so recently distant from her that it fully awoke her senses and desires.
Unknowingly to both of them, The Healer and Caitha had slipped out the tent well prior to this moment, well pleased with themselves.
"I have had other concerns."
Her mind now her worse enemy, a memory of Sle'nel's tortures returned to her. Tears came to her eyes as she looked at her Elf.
"What is it, my Love?"
San'lr'in’ bowed her head, “I am sorry, My Elf. This never should have occurred."
Without thinking, or she would have resisted the moment, Sle'nel’ moved closer to San'lr'in', touching her shoulder, “Cry not. We will all recover. You couldn't have prevented as such. At some moment it would have occurred, and even you cannot control all the moments."
San'lr'in’ cried silently, “I am so very sorry, Elf. The visions of your tortures make Me see My weaknesses. Never should you have been so hurt and abused as this."
Sle'nel’ moved closer to her Queen, and in their grieving over the ordeal, they held each other. For many long moments, they comforted each other in their sadness, slowly moving away from the distance.
After they had cried their long-held tears, they finally began to move slightly back into The Realm, moving their emotions to a more tolerable point. They held each other quietly, resting somewhat from their long-involved burden, when Sle'nel’ became shocked at her Queen's condition, “Your breathing is labored."
"I am so deeply tired."
Sle'nel’ was surprised at the statement, never hearing her Queen speak so openly as this, “You need sleep. You carry your burdens overly. Come. Lay down beside me."
They laid together, San'lr'in’ barely able to remain awake. But, needing closeness more than sleep, she held Sle'nel’ tightly to her as she breathed in Sle'nel's most comforting of scents. As San'lr'in’ began to drift off to sleep, Sle'nel', amazed at herself, placed her Queen's hand gently onto her own breast. Since the tortures, she thought that she never wished to be touched in this area again.
Becoming instantly awake, The High Queen gasped quietly, not knowing what to do, but well knowing what her body wanted from her. She held Sle'nel's breast softly, cupping it in her hand. Exhausted, she let the feeling of urgency go, thinking that Sle'nel’ just wanted to be closer in their feeling. Suddenly, The High Queen felt Sle'nel's hand on her breast, searching, needing, exploring.
When San'lr'in’ didn't respond, Sle'nel’ became hesitant, “You don't desire me?"
San'lr'in’ couldn't catch her breath. Her hands were trembling, “Most certainly I do. With no question. But I am afraid that you don't desire Me. In truth, I am afraid I will hurt you."
Her voice quivering, Sle'nel’ quietly said, “I need to know you desire me. I need to know you yet need me. I ... need ... you."
San'lr'in’ moved close to Sle'nel', “I am afraid that I over-desire you, My Elf."
She kissed Sle'nel’ slowly and softly, but with great emotion and need. She brought Sle'nel’ fully into her embrace, kissing her so passionately that Sle'nel’ had no choice but to know of her Queen's great desire.
Only when she heard Sle'nel’ moan slightly at the pleasure of it, did she halt.
"I will not break, my Love."
San'lr'in’ held her tightly, but her body was now trembling, “I wish not to harm you in any fashion. And I am afraid My touch will repulse you."
The moment between them was more serious than any other had been for them, but Sle'nel’ needed help in forgetting her torments, and The High Queen needed help in bringing her feelings back to her. Sle'nel's shoulder and knee yet gave her many moments of pain, but she felt her lover's trembling hands and instantly forgot her own concerns. Her instinct was to comfort her lover.
With the greatest of truth, Sle'nel’ responded, “Never could this be so."
Their quiet, slow and careful explorations of each other over, they fell into a deep sleep for their first moment since the rescue. Sle'nel’ awoke first, having more rest than her Queen over the prior turns. Before opening her eyes to the turn, she sensed the moment, trying to place herself into her surroundings. She felt her Queen's even breathing, then became aware that her Queen was yet holding tightly onto her, as if afraid to let go. Sle'nel’ began to move carefully away, needing a moment outside, and needing to have the attendants bring food for them.
In her sleep, San'lr'in’ said, “No!"
"Shhhh ... Sleep, my Love. I will return in a moment only."
She managed to move quietly away from her Queen without waking her, and managed to rise, although yet well-pained from her wounds. When completed with her tasks, she returned to the tent, slipping quietly back into her Queen's arm. Although now in greater pain than prior, the comfort she felt as her Queen moved her arms around her even more tightly was far greater than her pains. She rested in her Queen's arms, falling back to sleep, and upon this moment, her tormented visions were gone.
The High Queen finally woke, “You are already awake, My Desire?"
Sle'nel’ laughed quietly, yet in some pain, “I have woken three moments prior to yours, My Love. You were exhausted."
The High Queen had already sensed Sle'nel's pain, so moved her hand to her shoulder and knee, and removed it. She then looked into her lover's eyes, “Thank you, My Elf. Never have I felt so lost. So alone as—"
Sle'nel’ moved her finger to her lover's lips, “Shhhh ... I know. I as well was afraid. We were overly afraid to even share our feelings with each other. This has not been an easy moment."
The High Queen looked so sadly at Sle'nel’ that her heart seemed broken. Rather than speak further, Sle'nel’ held her Queen, then kissed her, trying to help both of them move apart from their fears and tormented memories. As they kissed, Sle'nel’ felt her Queen's tears. As they touched, San'lr'in’ felt Sle'nel's tears. As they held desperately onto each other, they finally began to heal, together.
For two turns they slept, held eac
h other, and began to move slowly back into The Realm. Upon the second turn, after the attendants had left, Sle'nel’ informed Ann'wn that The High Queen would be coming back into The Realm. Ann'wn asked for an audience.
For two turns, the entire camp hoped and waited. When the announcement came that The High Queen was returning and had agreed to an audience with Ann'wn, the tensions rose. No one, including the attendants, knew of what had passed between their Queen and the Elf, except that the food that had been provided had been eaten. This in itself had been a good sign, but since no noises had emerged from the tent, and since no one had been allowed inside, they could only guess as to the outcome.
Ann'wn knelt and bowed her head, “My Queen."
"Tell Me."
Ann'wn took quick note that her Queen was yet well distant, with no smile or softness upon her face, and that her voice was but an echo, “The Healer and Caitha are doing well and are ready to ride, Highness. The camp awaits your command."
"The Dark Sorcerer's guards?"
"They have all been dispatched after they were convinced to tell us all they knew. They knew very little, my Queen."
The High Queen showed no emotion. After a moment, she asked, “The Young One we found in the Grandmother's dwelling. How does she fare?"
"She improves slowly. Ern'seln’ has taken her under her care, along with the Young Supreme Sovereign, Highness. It seems a good match for the moment. But she hasn't spoken up to this moment, not even how she is called. She seems to trust Ern'seln’ well enough."
The High Queen listened attentively, but offered no comment, knowing fully that the Young One had indeed spoken—to her.
"When do we leave, my Queen?"
"In the morn."
"Yes, my Queen."
"I assume you searched through the Dark Sorcerer's cave."
Ann'wn bowed her head, “Yes, Highness. We picked up the broken staff. It awaits your decision."
The High Queen's Vow [The Mystic Women of The Realm Series Book IV] Page 23
