Breathe

by Tracey E. Chambers

  When I saw her in the hospital hallway, I almost didn’t recognize her. Beth was in so much pain it oozed from her pores. I wondered if this was going to be the thing that finally broke her. Where did she find the will, the strength, to give up her son when it obviously caused her unbearable sorrow? A mother’s love is where she found the strength. True love is doing what is best for your child, no matter what it costs you. It was a very humbling and sober thought.

  I would never expect anything less from Beth towards someone she loved. I used to be one of those lucky people. It took a long time and a lot of patience, but her love was worth the wait. She loved fiercely and unconditionally. She’s always been so unbelievably strong. Last night was the first time I had ever seen her fall apart. She started weeping again after I tucked her in. She continued sobbing for hours while I held her trembling hand before she mercifully slipped into a troubled sleep out of sheer exhaustion.

  Every tear, every sob, wrenched my heart. How to you help someone through this soul deep pain? I clenched my fist in anger. I always hated it whenever she was hurt or sick. It never made any sense but I usually reacted by getting mad. Maybe I was frustrated because there was nothing I could do to fix it.

  Right now I hated the father of her child who left her to face this alone. I hated myself for being jealous of him. If I was honest, I wasn’t just jealous, I was resentful. I had never so much as put my hands on her where they didn’t belong. Not that I didn’t have to fight myself constantly not to; I just didn’t want to push our relationship past what was smart or safe. I thought we had time. I always believed that the right time and place would come for us. I assumed we would take that step together for the first time.

  It was easier blaming a faceless guy than being upset with Beth right now. She needed my understanding, not my questions, but that didn’t stop the questions from flying around in my brain. Who was he? Did she love him? Was he gentle? Did he hurt her? Was she afraid? The thought of anyone sharing even so much as a kiss with her made me crazy. The picture of her naked in another guy’s arms made me furious. Unintentionally my grip on her tightened, she whimpered and started to struggle. I eased up and methodically pulled my fingers through her hair.

  “Shh, baby. Everything is fine. Go back to sleep.” I whispered over and over until she settled down and drifted back to sleep.

  It was nice to know that I could calm her down. Sleep was something that never came easily to Beth, but I had learned how to get her quickly back to sleep after her nightmares. Stroking her hair and letting her know she was safe always did the trick.

  I couldn’t let myself think about what Beth had done while I was gone. It would drive me insane. I reminded myself that we weren’t together, so she didn’t owe me anything. Whatever she did couldn’t hold a candle to how I had betrayed her. Her decisions were her own, but I certainly owned some responsibility for the place she was in now. She trusted me and I let her down.

  The first time Beth told me she loved me was as she was drifting off to sleep one night. She only said it once. The very next thing she said was, “Please don’t leave me, Logan.” I closed my eyes as the memory hit me like a fist to the gut. I’d never forget that night or the soft plea from the girl who never asked anything of anyone.

  I leaned up on my elbow so I could study her. The light coming from the hotel window was very faint, but I could see that her eyes were almost swollen shut from the torrent of tears she cried before she fell asleep. Her hair was longer than when I saw her last. It reached almost to her waist. Other than that, she looked just like the angel I remembered. I had missed her beautiful face.

  I pictured her a thousand times in my mind, laughing and chasing the waves on the beach. I wondered if I would ever see her happy and carefree again. She had been through so much pain since I left her; I had no clue how to even begin to help her.

  I remembered a conversation about pain we had when I invited her to go to church with me. She finally agreed to come after much cajoling and pleading. Church was important to me and I didn’t want to leave her at home every Sunday morning. The less time she spent at home, the safer she was. But at first she refused to come.

  “I’d feel like a hypocrite. I don’t know if I even believe in God anymore. Even if I did, I’m not sure he’s a God I want to worship. What kind of a God lets men like Jack abuse innocent children?”

  That was a hard one. I’d often wondered myself what kind of God let innocent people be abused, raped, and murdered. What kind of God allowed my sweet Beth to be brutally beaten? What kind of a God would let a loving mother be ripped from her child? I couldn’t pretend to understand all of it myself. All I could do was answer her as honestly as I could.

  “I know God has given us free will. Unfortunately, it gives individuals the ability to choose evil and harm other people. If God intervened, free will wouldn’t exist,” I tried to explain.

  “I guess I just don’t see the point in all of this,” she gestured vaguely around.

  “This world isn’t perfect or fair. I don’t think it was meant to be. I don’t pretend to understand it all, but I think we are here to learn. We are here to choose good or evil for ourselves. This life is just the journey to our final destination. It can be brutal, but it can also be beautiful. After all, I found you.”

  I found her then I walked away from her. Now, I was a little more acquainted with genuine pain. The day I left Fort Grange was the hardest of my life. Since then, pain and heartache were my constant companions. My dad kept telling me I was doing the right thing, but my heart was ripped from my chest. I left it with my girl. I tried to go through the motions of living, but I was an empty shell. Some days, I could barely get out of bed. I wanted to run back to her a thousand times and beg her to take me back. I knew it would be nearly impossible for her to forgive me. I justified not going back by deciding she had moved on, and it wouldn’t be fair to barge in on her life now.

  When it felt like grief would swamp me, I would drive out to the beach late at night. I always felt closer to her there. I would picture her smiling up at me while the wind whipped through her hair. It was the only time I felt a little peace. I would look up at the moon and beg God to watch over her. I prayed that she wasn’t feeling the kind of agony I was. Sometimes, just taking my next breath was excruciating.

  I realized too late that I truly couldn’t live without her. I fought myself to stay away, believing what I was doing was for the best one minute, and calling myself a fool the next. I had left her and she ended up alone, bruised, and broken. What a fool I’d been. How could I ask her to forgive me for leaving her when I couldn’t forgive myself?

  It had taken her months to trust me enough to let me into her life the first time. Now, I was like everyone else she had ever depended on. I had let her down. Beth may never give me another chance, but I had no choice but to try. I couldn’t live without her. My whole world began and ended with her. It was going to be an uphill battle, but I had to find a way to reach her. I was willing to risk everything. I was terrified, but it was time to believe in her as much as she once believed in me. I drifted off into an uneasy sleep with the girl I would never stop loving still in my arms and her scent filling my lungs.

  Chapter Fifteen

  BETHANY

  I woke up with my head on Logan’s shoulder and his other arm gripping me tightly. It felt very familiar. Sometimes when we were dating, after he dropped me off, he would sneak in through the window after a couple of hours. I always left it open. He’d slide one arm under my head and put the other one on my waist. Usually, Logan would give me a peck on the cheek and settle in for the night.

  A few times, he had kissed me until I was breathless. Those times I was petrified that he would take things farther, and petrified that he wouldn’t. When things started to get out of control, he would always stop and stroke my hair until our breathing slowed and we both calmed down enough to sleep. A couple of times he even had to leave before things went too far. I always loved i
t when he stayed; I actually slept all night knowing I was safe. Right before dawn, I would feel him kiss me on the forehead before he left. He would always whisper, “Good morning angel. I’ll see you soon.”

  My grief was slightly more bearable today, and I knew I had Logan to thank for that. I appreciated the support he gave me yesterday, but I knew it was time to stand on my own feet. My arms still ached to hold my baby, but my son was where he needed to be, and it was time for me to move on. I was filled with a desperate need to get away from Logan as fast I could. I quietly slid out of the bed and grabbed my bag off the dresser. I didn’t even stop to brush my teeth. I eased the hotel door open and began the long walk back to my apartment.

  After the first half mile or so, I wondered what I had been thinking. My back ached, among other things, and I couldn’t take another step. I gingerly sat down on the curb so I could figure out how I was going to get home. Although I needed to put as much space between Logan and myself as possible, I was willing to admit at this point maybe I should have waited around for a ride home first. I sat on the curb until my tailbone was numb and my muscles protested being in a sitting position for too long. I really should have listened to those discharge instructions.

  Obviously, recovering from childbirth was a little more involved than I thought. I considered asking to use a phone and calling Colleen for a ride, but I dismissed the idea as soon as I thought it. I didn’t want to put her out, and I knew she would feel obligated to get me settled in my apartment. The idea of allowing her see my apartment filled me with shame. I didn’t want her, or anyone else, to see how I had to live. It would just be easier for me to make it on my own. I sluggishly got up from the curb, steeling myself to put one foot in front of the other until I made it home.

  Car tires screeched to a halt directly behind me before I had taken ten steps. Alarmed, I turned to look. I was not entirely surprised to see a black Mustang with a very angry looking Logan in the driver’s seat. He rolled down the window and pierced me with a heated glare.

  “Exactly how far did you think you were going to make it before you fell over?” he irritably demanded.

  He got out of the car and slammed the door shut. His eyes were hard as he looked me up and down. I had to reach down deep to find my calm façade. A few seconds passed, and Logan continued to look at me furiously. I knew how to deal with angry men. I absentmindedly wondered if I never really knew the guy standing before me. The Logan I thought I knew would never have wounded me the way he did. I was never going to make the mistake of trusting him again.

  “I’m sorry. I should have thanked you for picking me up from the hospital yesterday, but I didn’t want to wake you. I was just heading home.”

  He just stared at me and didn’t say anything for what felt like hours. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to throttle me or walk away. I was praying for the latter. He looked up at the sky for a minute, struggling to regain his composure. When his gaze returned to me, I was relieved to see some of the anger die from his eyes. I took it as my cue to make a break for it.

  “I really do appreciate what you did for me last night. I am sorry if I made you angry by leaving before I told you how grateful I am,” I offered.

  I started to walk back towards my apartment, when his hand shot out to stop me. I cringed away from him and threw my hands up to block my face. He pinned me with a horrified expression on his face.

  “Really Beth? Do you honestly think I would ever hurt you?”

  The question caught me off guard and the answer slipped from my lips before I could stop it.

  “No one has ever hurt me more.”

  He let go of my arm and staggered back, reacting as if I had actually struck him. I gasped at my words and hoped the sidewalk would just swallow me up. I looked down at my feet and did the only thing I could do, walk away. I silently prayed that he wouldn’t follow me, that he would just let me crawl back to my apartment in peace. He was suddenly walking beside me, maintaining a good distance between us. I wondered what my chances were of avoiding him if I just continued walking…I turned to face him with a sigh. Logan smiled that tender smile that I remembered so well, all traces of his anger gone.

  “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I went a little crazy when I woke up and you were gone. You just had a baby!”

  He spoke the last sentence like he was instructing a small child. He took a deep breath and looked away before he continued.

  “Please let me take you home. You aren’t in any shape to be walking and I…”

  He begged with an agonized expression.

  “Beth. Please.”

  My traitorous lips said “Okay” before I could stop myself.

  The few minutes it took to get to my place were spent in silence. When well pulled in front of my sad looking apartment building, I was embarrassed. I took in the overflowing dumpster, peeling paint, and the few brave weeds struggling to put at least some green in the front yard. It looked depressing. It was just a place to live; it was what I could afford.

  I was glad I had been able to find a place to live and feed myself without public assistance. Only the baby’s best interest prompted me to put aside my pride and accept free prenatal care. I gauged Logan’s expression and cringed at his reaction to my current living standards. He surprised me when he shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

  “Hey anything beats living with your scumbag step-dad.”

  The Logan I remembered would have taken one look at my apartment and refused to leave me in a place like this.

  I reached for the door handle, mumbled “thanks for the ride,” and made my way towards the crumbling stairs that led up to my apartment. I heard a car door slam behind me. Please, please don’t that let be Logan. Please, please, please…..

  ”Do you need some help up the stairs?” he asked.

  He couldn’t just leave me to my misery. He had to follow me up to my apartment.

  “I had a baby. I didn’t break my legs. I can walk.”

  I wouldn’t add that every step stung, my breasts were so heavy with milk that they were going to burst soon, or that every muscle in my body felt like jelly. I continued slowly making my way up the stairs, hoping that if I ignored him he would go away. Like that ever worked. The thought of him stepping one foot inside my apartment was enough to get me moving faster. Maybe I could get up the stairs and in the door before he could make it up. I made it to the front door and had the key in the lock, before I heard him stomping up the stairs behind me.

  I was just too tired to fight him, so I reluctantly left the door ajar behind me on my way to the bathroom. I refused to see the reaction on this face when he took in my apartment for the first time. I brushed my teeth and washed my face slowly before finding enough courage to face him. I opened the door to find Logan sitting on my bed, which consisted of an air mattress on the floor. He immediately got up and shoved his hands in his pockets.

  “Here, you probably want to lie down.”

  I nodded my head and sank down on my bed. I didn’t really know what else there was to say, so I lay down and shut my eyes, hoping against hope he would take the hint.

  “I am going to let you rest, but I was going to go by the store on my way home, do you need any groceries?”

  I thought back to what little food I had left in the refrigerator and wondered how long it would last. I shook my head and gave him a little wave as he headed toward the door. I heard him mutter something under his breath that sounded like “stubborn as ever” on his way out the door. I was still exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I just wanted to rest.

  A knock on the door woke me up a couple of hours later. No one ever knocked on my door, so I immediately assumed Logan had come back. The boy had a serious case of hero complex and just couldn’t help himself. I calmly walked towards the door, ready to send him on his way. I was surprised to find a scrawny guy in a pizza uniform instead.

  “I think you have the wrong apartment. I didn’t order any pizza.”

  H
e looked down at the order form and back to the number on my door and said, “This is the right apartment. Did you order two veggie lover’s pizzas?”

  “I’m sorry, but I didn’t order that.” I continued to insist.

  “Well, it must be your lucky day, ma’am. This has already been paid for and sent to your address.”

  With that he slid the pizzas into my hands and turned on his heel and left. It didn’t take too much deliberating to figure out who sent the pizzas. I wasn’t stubborn or dumb enough not to accept food that was already paid for. Besides, I was STARVING. If it made him feel less guilty to buy me a couple of pizzas, so be it. I still didn’t know why he was back in town or how he knew I just had a baby, but I couldn’t afford to care. Right now I needed to concentrate on getting better, so I could start work again ASAP. The rent wasn’t going to pay itself, and this pizza was only going to last so long. I grabbed a couple of slices and put the rest in the refrigerator. I couldn’t help but smile to myself when I realized he still remembered my favorite pizza. I shook my head, and told myself that I really didn’t care.

  Chapter Sixteen

  LOGAN

  I wasn’t surprised to wake up and find my arms empty. What I didn’t expect, was for her to bolt from the room. I knew she couldn’t get very far on foot, but she had just had a baby and a very restless night, which made me hurry to my car to search for her. Sure enough, I found her a few blocks away. She was slowly getting up from the curb. She was so off balance, I was afraid she was going to fall. When she turned to continue walking back to her apartment, I sped up and slammed my brakes on right behind her.

  She hadn’t changed a bit -- still as stubborn as ever. She had a baby a couple of days ago, and now she was determined to walk a couple of miles back to her apartment. If she had asked me, I would have taken her home, and she would have been there in five minutes flat. But no, she had to hobble down the road, so tired that she had to take a break after less than a quarter of a mile. By the time I got out of the car, I was livid.