“Look, I’m sorry. I swear, I’ll never go near her again,” he roughly gasped.
“You’ll never go near her, or the diner. If you see her, you will run the other way. If you had hurt her, you’d be dead already. I’m finished wasting my time with you.”
I squeezed his throat a little tighter and shoved his head backwards to let him know I was serious before I left. Once my business was over with Jack, his shabby living room faded from my vision. I didn’t even have to focus on Beth’s beloved face before I dream walked to her. She was my homing beacon. I phased to her in an instant. I knew my heart would always find her.
She was laying on her bed, curled up in a fetal position, fast asleep. Her long, curly hair was in crazy disarray, partially covering her face. She even had a few strands pinned underneath her body. It was freezing in her apartment, so she was huddled tightly under her blanket. She hadn’t shed a tear when she told me it was over. I wished I was that strong. Beth patiently remained with me on the floor for hours, waiting for me to recover enough to leave.
As I watched her sleep, I struggled to accept that it was actually over. My whole world was curled up on that air mattress. I didn’t know how to create a life without her. I hadn’t felt so bereft since I was seven years old. If my mother was here now, maybe she could tell me how to move on without Bethany. Stalking her in her sleep was not the best way, but I couldn’t help myself.
Beth turned over, mumbling something in her sleep. I knelt down and brushed her long mane back from her face. I had missed her so much. There was a time I thought visiting her at night would be enough to get me through life, but now I knew better. I didn’t have a life without her. It seemed impossible. I pinned all my hopes on convincing her to give me another chance. I eased down beside her with exquisite care. I knew if she woke up, she’d order me away. I couldn’t bear it tonight.
My misery was mitigated a bit when I placed my arm around her. I took a deep breath and relaxed. I focused on the next few minutes. Tonight, I would live from moment to moment. Tomorrow was soon enough to figure out where to go and what to do with my muddled life. I pulled her closer to me, content to be near her in the darkness.
Outside, Fort Grange was quiet. During the fall, the night sounds consisted of the occasional car engine, a train whistle as it came to the railroad crossing, or coyotes’ yipping to call their family back after they split up for a hunt. I’d lived in big cities most of my life and cringed when my father first suggested Fort Grange. Surprisingly, country life had grown on me. People smiled and waved when you passed by, the only traffic jams were caused by tractors or Friday night football games, the air was clean, and life moved at a saner pace.
After a few hours passed, Beth began to stir in my arms. I was afraid I was caught, but she rolled over and her breathing evened out as she went back into a deep sleep. It was almost dawn before she stirred again--almost time when I would be forced to leave her. She snuggled deeper into her pillow before she whispered words that devastated me.
“Please Logan. You can’t do this anymore. You’re hurting me. Let me go,” she whimpered.
I immediately faded back into my body.
I wasn’t sure if she was completely awake when she said it, but it didn’t’ matter. I knew she meant it. She knew I was there last night either consciously or subconsciously. She could feel me. If that knowledge hurt her, then no more dream walking to her. Ever. Luckily, I didn’t have time to dwell on it. I was exhausted after staying with her all night and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
“Please Logan….You’re hurting me.”
Those words were ringing in my ears when I awoke. Where was I going to find the strength to let her go? I would respect her wishes even if it made me die inside. I peered outside my window at the blinding afternoon sunshine. I could hear conversations as people walked along the square. Kids were playing and laughing gleefully at the park across the street.
I wondered idly how long my money would last. I had a few hundred left in my account. It was time to make some difficult decisions. Was I going to return to my concerned father with my tail between my legs? When I told my dad I was coming back to the states, he wasn’t overjoyed to say the least.
“Why go to college there? There are tons of good universities right here. If you want some independence, you could live on campus. We’ll get you a car, and you can come visit me when I’m home on the weekends,” he suggested.
“I’m homesick. There are also plenty of good schools in the states. I was accepted to a few before we moved, and I might reapply to a couple.”
I was trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. I needed to convince him to give me the money to cover the plane ticket and a little extra until I decided what I was going to do.
“You want to go back to Texas? This isn’t really about college at all is it? You want to go back to see that girl,” he accused angrily.
“It is about college and it is about BETH too. I’ve got unfinished business in Texas. I need to see her one more time, Dad. Please.”
Something in my desperate plea must have finally persuaded him because I could see his shoulders slump in defeat.
“I think you are making a colossal mistake, but you are growing up. I’ve tried to protect you. You’re all I have in the world. I’m tired of arguing, and I’m not willing to lose you over this. You have to promise to be careful. Your mother and I made the mistake of letting our guard down, and I’ve paid the price.”
“I know you’re worried about me. I’ll be as careful as I can be. I have to see her again. I still love her. Time and miles haven’t changed that. I need some closure or I’ll go crazy. Then, I’ll be ready to go to school and do all the things you’ve been bugging me to do for the last year.”
“I did what I did to protect you. Sometimes parents can make mistakes too.”
I could tell there were so many other things my dad wanted to say, to his credit he stopped himself.
“I’ll fly you into Houston, your car is still in storage there. You take care of what you need to and let me know when you decide about school. Be careful son. Look over your shoulder, keep moving. I hope the price you pay for finding peace isn’t too high,” he cautioned.
I’d wondered over the years just how much danger we were really in. Whoever had taken my mother had what they wanted. Why would they still be looking for us? My dad always believed if they were aware I had inherited her abilities, I would never be safe. When I was young, he clung to me in his grief.
My mother’s death changed him in profound ways. He quit going to church and distanced himself from me as the years passed. He started working insane hours. I still wasn’t sure exactly what he did for a living, but it involved high tech security systems. He worked long hours fruitlessly trying to work his grief away. We didn’t need the money. My dad wasn’t rich, but he had a nice inheritance from his father that was enough to keep him living comfortably for years. I’d never met any of my family. My parents considered any contact with them too dangerous.
Fort Grange felt like home to me. Beth was here and it was the only place I’d stayed with any degree of permanence. Was it smart to take the risk to try and make my home here? My original plan was to leave town with her if I could convince her to forgive me. I didn’t want to take a chance with her safety, but I wasn’t as anxious to leave without her. Maybe I could stay here and go to a local college like I’d planned to a year ago. Being in the same town with her would be better than nothing. I could see her around town occasionally. I knew I’d never love anyone the way I loved her. Somehow, I would just have to move on. Maybe someday.
I felt a little better now that I had at least a short term plan. I needed to find a place to live and look into schools before I called my dad…and apparently, I also needed a phone because I just realized Bethany still had mine. Well, at least she still had a phone now. I could add a new phone line to my account. I didn’t want her alone and in trouble ever again.
I fin
ally wound myself out of my tangled sheets and headed to the shower. I was still a little groggy from dream walking so long last night and the water seemed to revive me. I was still devastated by Beth’s rejection, but I couldn’t blame her. It didn’t’ make it any easier to accept. Distraction was my only option. I was on a mission to get a phone and find a place to live. I was determined to stay focused on what I needed to get accomplished, and not on her.
I walked out of my hotel room a few minutes later and hopped into my car to head to Houston to pick up another phone. It was the closest town that had a phone store. I could order one online, but I didn’t want to wait on it to be delivered. It felt very awkward not to have a phone. I was going through withdrawals not being able to check social media or emails. Maybe I would stop off and pick up a computer too.
Chapter Twenty-Three
BETHANY
Today was my first full time shift and I’d made almost a hundred dollars in tips. It was pretty rocking for the diner. This was a hardworking town, and people rewarded people who worked hard for them. I wasn’t the most social able waitress, but I made sure their beverage glass never got empty and made sure they had everything they needed to have a nice meal. Occasionally, I would get something wrong. I always apologized and was quick to fix it.
Work was a nice distraction from my grief. I still missed my son. I always would. I was going to have to learn to live with the pain of losing him. I also missed Logan. I hadn’t seen him since the night I told him it was over. It was the only decision I could live with, but that didn’t make it easy. A clean break was going to be best for both of us. At least that was what I kept telling myself.
It was a chilly night, so I pulled my hoodie up over my head as I started the trek home. It wasn’t really more than a couple of miles, but after eight hours on my feet, it felt like an eternity. When I finally reached my dilapidated apartment complex, I was surprised to find the apartment downstairs and diagonal from mine wide open. Boxes were stacked beside the door and the porch light was on. I knew it was vacant, so someone must have just moved in today. I slowed down as I passed the door, hoping to catch a glimpse of the new tenant. As I attempted to stealthily peer into the doorway, I was startled by a pair of headlights behind me.
I was embarrassed that I’d been caught snooping, so at first I didn’t even recognize the car that pulled up. The car door shut and I was greeted with a familiar face.
“Hey. What are you doing here? I thought you left weeks ago,” I blurted.
He grabbed a couple of boxes from his trunk before he answered me.
“Nope, I just left the hotel yesterday. I’ve been at our storage locker all day. I didn’t realize how much stuff we left behind. It’s staggering.”
He started to take the boxes inside the open apartment.
“Did you sell them some of your dad’s stuff?”
I followed him in the apartment and was greeted with familiar furniture. The black leather couch I sat on while I’d watched a hundred movies was sitting opposite the TV. The glass and chrome kitchen table where I had eaten the majority of my meals over the two years we were together was next to the kitchen in front of a gaudy glass wall.
“Do I know who you sold the furniture to?”
Logan looked at me with a perplexed look on his face.
“I didn’t sell it Beth. I’m moving in. Dad told me to take anything from storage that I wanted,” he shrugged his shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal.
I could not have been more shocked if he told me he was a dream walker and could travel at will in spirit form. Oh, wait. That was true too.
“You’re moving in?”
“I told you I wasn’t leaving you ever again and I’m not. Don’t freak out on me. I’m not going to stalk you or interfere in your life. I’m just not leaving,” he clearly specified.
He crossed his arms and looked at me, daring me to argue. This was not going to work. He couldn’t live downstairs from me. There was no way I could function knowing just a few walls separated us.
“I thought it wasn’t safe for you to stay in one place very long?”
“I decided I don’t care. Besides, we haven’t seen or heard anything suspicious since my mom was taken. They got what they wanted. Maybe they’ll leave me alone.”
“Logan, you can’t take that chance. Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean that I don’t want you safe. You can’t do this. You have to leave,” I entreated.
“Nope. Not happening. This town is the closest anything has ever felt like home. I like it here. I like you here. I’m not leaving.”
“Please Logan. Please just leave. It’s just not going to work out for us. I’m too screwed up to have a healthy relationship. It’s too late for us. I wish I had a different answer for you. It’s the only sane one I can make for both our sakes.”
“I accept that Beth, but I still love you. I’m not leaving. I’ll accept any part of your life you’re willing to share with me…a friend or a neighbor…anything or nothing, I’ll take it.”
He started to reach out to me, but caught himself just before his hand touched mine. I backed up a step to put a little more distance between us. The little thrill that zinged through my heart when he said he still loved me scared me to death. I viciously squelched it, reminding myself the price I paid for that love. I shook my head. Never again. I can’t.
“Friendship is all I have to offer you. That is on a trial basis. I need my space,” I lowered my voice a bit before I continued. “I need my privacy.”
“Done. I can’t promise never to dream walk to you ever again, but I can promise I won’t unless you call me to you. I will respect your privacy and your space. You’ll know I’m keeping my promise because you can sense me in spirit form now, right?”
“The last time I felt your presence was the night after we talked…”
“Yes. You asked me to stop coming then, and I haven’t been back since,” he informed me solemnly.
“I don’t remember talking to you that night?” I asked, puzzled.
“You don’t remember it because you were asleep. You knew I was there, and you asked me to stop coming. I haven’t seen you since.”
He couldn’t hide the wounded look in his stormy eyes before he swept past me to pick up the remaining packing boxes from outside his front door before he shut it. He grabbed one and made his way to the kitchen and started unpacking some dishes. I cautiously walked toward the kitchen and leaned down to pick up a box off the floor. It was heavy. When I plunked it on the counter it landed with a loud thud. Logan didn’t even glance my way. He just kept putting the dishes in the cabinet.
It didn’t occur to him that he might want to wash those first since they’d been sitting in old newspaper for over a year. I decided he could figure that out on his own. I turned the kitchen faucet on and gave the silverware a quick rise before I was put them away. I searched on the counter and in drawers for a towel to dry them before Logan grudgingly motioned towards a roll of paper towels on the counter. I rinsed and dried a dozen spoons, knives, and forks in silence. I’d put off speaking again as long as possible.
“Do you care which drawer the silverware goes in?”
He finally made eye contact with me when I asked the question.
“Nah, it doesn’t really matter,” he answered before returning to his task.
He didn’t seem in the mood to talk. His apartment was a little bigger than mine. It was a one bedroom, instead of a studio apartment. His kitchen was galley style as opposed to my small kitchenette that consisted of a half wall of cabinets, a couple drawers, a sink, stove, and refrigerator all in a row. I decided to put the silverware closest to the kitchen table. After that, I made a beeline for the door. I turned to tell him good-bye when I found him staring at me with sad eyes.
“I hope someday you can forgive me for leaving you. You’ll never realize how sorry I am for all the pain I’ve caused you.”
“I’ve already forgiven you, Logan. There are
no hard feelings. I just can’t open myself up like that again,” I confessed.
“Thank you. Your forgiveness means a lot to me. I just wish I could understand why I left in the first place, you know? I was terrified you would disappear one day, just like my mom did.”
Those fathomless brown eyes pleaded with me. I had to fight myself not to comfort him.
“I know what it’s like to lose a mother. I lost mine the day my mother met Jack,” I empathized.
My mother may not have died, but she might as well have. The loving attentive mother I had until third grade was lost to me. I never got her back.
“I guess I was so afraid; I left before you could disappear too,” he brokenly admitted.
“I understand what it feels like to be afraid,” I whispered.
“We have even more in common than I realized. I’m so lost Beth. I don’t know where to go from here.”
My heart went out to him because again, I knew just how he felt.
“I don’t have any easy answers for you. I let my pain consume me when you left. I’ve learned that you can grow stronger from the pain, if you don’t let it destroy you. You just put one foot in front of the other until you can learn to live with it.”
“You’ve always been one of the strongest people I’ve ever met,” he declared vehemently.
I was shocked. When he first met me I was afraid of my own shadow, content to disappear in a crowd. Logan was always the strong one—fighting my battles and watching over me. He gave me the protection and confidence to venture out into the world. The pregnancy gave me the courage to fight for someone weaker than me. Surviving my abusive childhood taught me perseverance. I survived the only way I knew how, but I’d left that abusive household with my sanity. I’d count that as a win.
While, I’d always be socially awkward, I wasn’t the cowering mouse I once was. I wasn’t where I’d planned to be at this point in my life, but I wouldn’t change it. I’d successfully delivered another life into loving arms, and I was standing on my own two feet. I still had a lot of healing to do, but I knew I would get there.
Breathe Page 16
