Transcending Regrets (No Regrets book 3)

by Noalane, Aimee

  “I do. But, Ol, seriously, you need to face this. I know what you’re trying to do. This won’t just go away because you’re trying to avoid it.”

  Too angry with him, I stepped out of my truck. The warm breeze that hit my face made me calm down. As I roamed through the tombstones, I realized what Aunt Jenna meant when she told Jacob about the bad maintenance. In many areas, the lawn wasn’t well trimmed, in others, weeds were outgrowing the grass. We could immediately tell whose family visited their loved ones and who didn’t. Nevertheless, it made me angry to see how neglected the cemetery was. It’s what we paid for, and if Aunt Jenna wasn’t going to do anything about it, I would.

  Fortunately for me though, my aunt had taken great care of my parents. Fresh daisies were left on their gravestone and as she had mentioned a beautiful orchid was left on the ground. I kneeled to pick up the purple flower and noticed that buried under it was a small metal box with a beautiful cursive engraving.

  ‘Riley, never born, always loved.’

  I traced Abby’s hand writing with a heavy heart. I hated that she had to go through this alone. I hated that I had to go through this without her…

  My fingers hovered over the box, and I noticed that the locket was opened. When I curiously opened it, I saw the white gold charm bracelet that I had given Abby for seventeenth birthday wrapped around a rolled up piece of paper. Most of the charms had been taken out. In fact, the only ones that were left on it were the orchid and the skateboard. I took it out of the box and removed the charm bracelet. It was a letter written by Abby.

  Riley,

  People keep telling me that this isn’t my fault. That the reason you couldn’t hold on was because of the man and woman that hurt me…

  It’s all kind of hard to accept, and to be honest I’m having a real hard time believing it’s true. It hurts because I’ll never know what color your eyes are. I’ll never know who you look like the most, or whose temper you have…

  But do you know what the hardest part is? I’ll never get to hold you close to my heart and tell you that I love you. I’ll never hear what your laughter sounds like. I’ll never see you grow up…but Riley, I hope that you know that while I can’t do any of those things, I do love you…so much. And I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to protect you the way a mother should. The only thing that comforts me right now is that I know that you are with two of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. It’s the thought that you are out there somewhere with them, watching over us…it’s knowing that one day you’ll be making the willow tree’s leaves rustle and whisper to me because you’ll know that I need a calming balm on my wounds.

  Riley, one day your father will come see his parents and see this letter. One day he’ll sit here wondering why I haven’t told him about you…

  The thing is, I don’t know why. I can’t tell who’s pain I’m really trying to spare anymore. I think that there is just too much hurt between us and that somehow a long time ago, we got lost in it. It’s like we forgot who we always were…or maybe it’s because we lost ourselves in the heartbreak even though we promised each other we would never forget.

  Oliver, I don’t know when you’ll read this, but I want you to know that while I can’t explain why I chose not to tell you, I need you to believe that I didn’t keep the secret because I wanted to hurt you. I’m sitting here writing this letter trying to figure it all out, and I can’t.

  Maybe it’s because I’m scared you’ll tell me it’s okay.

  Maybe it’s because I’m afraid you’ll blame me for not being careful.

  Maybe it’s because I’m terrified to call you and find out that you’ve moved on…

  Maybe it’s because I want you to hate me, because in truth whatever happened between us is just as much my fault as it is yours. I broke my promise to you, Oliver. I gave up on us, and surrendered on fighting for our friendship. I let you go even though I assured you I never would…

  Or maybe it’s because I’m scared that when you do come back home I’ll realize that I…

  I just…I’m so sorry, Oliver.

  Abby

  xxx

  My heart hurt. So fucking much. It hurt for me, it hurt for her. I felt like everything inside me was being ripped away from my living body.

  I really had no idea how long I sat alone against my parent’s tombstone, but when I heard Tyler’s footsteps coming towards me, the sun had begun setting behind the trees.

  I scratched my throat trying to hide the tears. “I thought you would be waiting for me in the car.”

  “And I didn’t think that we’d be here for so long, and I’m kind of hungry.” He took a seat beside me and started tracing the letters on the metal box, just as I had when I saw it.

  “My Aunt Jen said that you’ve been looking after Abby and Lyvia.”

  A very low snicker escaped him, but he didn’t answer.

  “Anyway, I just want to say thank you.”

  “You would have done the same,” he replied. “And she doesn’t know that I know about this, so you can’t tell her that I brought you here.”

  The thought of knowing that Abby had gone through burying Riley’s memory alone hurt me even more. “How did you find out about it then?”

  He smiled sadly. “I like to come here once in a while and sit with your dad. He always had a good ear.”

  I missed my father, so damn much…he was a second dad to all of my friends. He was always listening to them, advising them, teasing them. He was like an extension of our group. A soft chuckle escaped me as I thought about the one time Tyler and I got into a physical fight with one another. It only happened once, we were in seventh grade. My dad grilled the hell out of me that day, but it was enough to remind me who my real friends were and how important it was to take care of them. I lifted my head and felt another soft breeze against my skin. It was cooler now that the sun had set.

  ***

  “What’s your fucking problem?” I yelled, getting up from off the floor of the court.

  “You asshole, that ball was mine.”

  “We’re on the same fucking team, Ty. What does it matter?”

  “Steph threw me the ball, and you stole it. It was my score.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? That other guy was totally blocking you. You never would have been able to put it in the basket, Tyler.”

  He punched me and split my lip. I was beyond angry, so I hit him back. One thing led to another and we were on the ground rumbling with each other. Two idiots from the same team beating each other up for a score. The ref had to tear us apart and then we both got expelled from the game. While I hit the lockers, Tyler left the gym through the door leading outside the school and never came back. My dad was pissed at me when he stormed through the locker room door. I tried to explain that it wasn’t my fault, and that Tyler had started it all, but he wouldn’t listen. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen everything that happened, all he kept repeating to me was that it didn’t matter.

  “Tyler is your friend, Oliver,” he constantly repeated.

  “Exactly my point. He threw the first punch, Dad.”

  “Oliver,” he sighed, “has it ever occurred to you that this has nothing to do with the game? That maybe he just has a lot of anger built inside him.”

  “So?”

  “So maybe that score meant something to him.”

  “He would’ve missed.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not. But at least he wouldn’t have someone he cares about disappoint him again.”

  “Disappoint him?” I yelled, hitting the metal doors with my fist. “I wasn’t trying to screw with his head, Dad, I just wanted to win the fucking game.”

  My father took a step closer and sat me down on the bench with a firm look in his eye. “Tyler was angry, he––”

  “So what? Just because he’s angry I’m supposed to let him beat the shit out of me?”

  “I’m not saying that he did the right thing. What I’m saying is that next time, instead of getting into t
hat ego filled head of yours and taking revenge, you walk away. You show him that not everything around him is as dark as he sees it. You’re his safe place, Oliver. You, Stephan, Abby, Ava, Zoey, you’re what keeps him grounded to reality.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “And you don’t need to. All you need to know is that he’s your friend, and that he needs you.”

  ***

  Tyler was always the quiet one when we were younger. He always kept to himself, hiding his secrets from us, but I knew he and my dad talked. I always believed that there was something going on in his life at home, but my father kept it a secret from me, always refusing to explain to me the reason Tyler was the way he was. I never really knew why until that day we met at the skate park and I found out his father had beaten his mother and that the police arrested him.

  “How’s your old man?” I asked.

  “Better than the last time we spoke about him.” He looked at me and the coldness in his voice made me feel bad about not keeping tabs on him or his life. “He’s in a veteran’s institute. I don’t see him much because he refuses to see his family.”

  “I’m sorry, man.”

  “Don’t be, he makes his own choices.” By the sound of his vague reply I came to the conclusion that we were done talking about his father. He pulled his face up like mine to look at the sky.

  “Do you know if Abby comes here often?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

  “I doubt it. I tried to bring her with me a few years ago, but she refused. She told me that the cemetery is where she broke her first promise to you. Something about swearing to never let you go or whatever…there’s a huge part of her that is taking the blame for what happened between the both of you, Oliver.”

  I glanced at him. “You can’t have her back.”

  He chuckled softly and turned his face to look at me. “Don’t you think I know that already?”

  “Why are you here with me Tyler?” I asked while I played with the loose threads of my ripped jeans.

  “I don’t think you want to hear my answer to that question, Oliver.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Try me.”

  “She called me when you left her mother’s house,” he sighed. “She was crying so much, I could barely understand a word that came out of her mouth. But in the end, it didn’t really matter because as soon as I heard her sobbing, I grabbed my keys and went to her. As I drove, I tried to get her to calm down and talk. It was pointless, she was a fucking mess, but there were three words that came out of her mouth that night. Words I’ve waited months––years to hear, and as I made my way to see her, she finally said them to me.”

  I looked at him curiously.

  “I need you.” He stopped talking and snickered. “Do you know what it feels like when your ex, the one you’re trying real hard to let move on without you, calls you, begging you to take her back?”

  I pulled my knees up and hid my head in between my legs. He was right; I didn’t want to hear his story.

  “It doesn’t matter that you know it’s a bad idea. It doesn’t matter that she’s broken beyond repair. It doesn’t matter that she’s saying every right word, lying through her teeth. Because everything she’s saying is exactly what you’ve craved to hear for as long as you can remember.”

  My fists tightened.

  “Years, Oliver. I’ve been in love with this girl since at least eighth grade; and not once has she ever remotely said one thing that resembled those words. Think about it. The one girl you’ve always wanted stands in front of you, her face wet from desperate tears, pain ripping her to shreds…pain that you know you would never inflict on her because you love her…pain that the only man she ever loved could, because in truth he’s the only one who’s ever held her heart and would be able to shatter it...and she would look at you and say: Oliver, I made a mistake. I want you back. Please let’s just––take me back.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to retain my anger, and he just narrowed his eyes at me, waiting for a response.

  “What would you do?”

  I couldn’t answer. I had no clue what I would have done if I were to be in his shoes. The only thing I was sure of was that he was a lot better than I could ever be. I exhaled and lifted my head to look at him.

  “Oliver.” He looked at me. “I swear, I almost gave in.”

  I shook my head, but I wasn’t sure if it was in disappointment or awe. “Then why didn’t you?”

  “Because over time she would have ended up hating me.”

  “You can’t possibly be that selfless.”

  “Selfless?” He frowned. “No dude. Being selfless would mean taking her back because I’d want to make her happy. For once in my life, I’m being selfish. I don’t want her because she will never love me the way she loves you. Oliver…last December, in the hospital, the kiss that Abby and I shared, it was the most painful experience I’ve ever shared with her, because she was putting an end to a chapter of her life. It hurt so fucking much. It was her way of making me understand that she was putting an end to us indefinitely. The thing is, in that kiss, I found the relief and the closure I needed to move on.”

  I watched him pull his knees and rest his hands over them.

  “When she called me, there was a small flicker of hope that ignited my heart, and I thought maybe––you know, just maybe––but then I looked at her eyes, and there was something different about them. Like she had given up...her blue eyes were back to being gray and I realized that I don’t want to be him. I don’t want to be the guy that saves her because she can’t be with you. I’ll always love her, Oliver. I’ll always care for her, but she’s yours. She’s always been yours.”

  I put Abby’s letter back inside the metal box, thinking about what Tyler said.

  “So my question now is, what are you going to do about it, Oliver?”

  I looked at the sun setting and then back at him. “I’m going to get her back.”

  He nodded satisfied by my answer.

  “Are you still hungry?” I asked

  “Thank fuck, I thought you were never going to ask.”

  Chapter 17

  Abbygail

  I woke up at the sound of a car rolling into my driveway, and I sat up on the couch to look at the time. It was nine o’clock, an odd time for a visitor especially since I wasn’t expecting company. If I excluded the specks of light coming from the vehicle outside, the entire living room was dark. I stood up and walked to the window. Pulling the curtains aside, I recognized Oliver’s truck and observed him. He looked like he was debating if he should come in or not, and that’s when I realized that my entire house was dark.

  I went to the front door and turned on the porch light. Looking outside the side window I noticed that he was still sitting behind the driver’s seat. I waited a few minutes, but when I realized that he wasn’t going to move, I went to the kitchen and grabbed my phone.

  BlackOrchid: Oliver?

  With his baseball cap hiding his face and his head hanging in defeat, I couldn’t really see him, but I could only imagine what was going through his mind. He glanced at his phone and just as I had predicted, he stepped out of the truck. He lingered as he walked with his hands behind his back until he reached my front porch, and stopped before climbing up the steps. I frowned and opened the door.

  “Hey,” he whispered unsurely.

  “Hey.”

  “I was driving around and figured you might want some of this.” He pulled out a huge glass of what I assumed was a root beer slushy from behind his back. My smile was enough for him to decide to come up. He stopped right in front of me, and extended the glass. I couldn’t help the small grin escaping me.

  “Is it still your favorite?”

  I smiled after taking my first sip. “It will always be my favorite, Oliver.” I backed away from the door without taking my eyes away from his, and headed towards my living room.

  “Does this mean I can come in?” he asked as I disappeared behind the
wall.

  I stretched out my neck, and saw that he was still standing outside, waiting for an official invitation. I got distracted by the June-Bug flying over his head and almost gagged. Bugs had always creeped me out, but those beetles were one of the most disgusting things in the world. The thought of having one inside my house and needing to crush it made me cringe.

  “If you let a fucking June-Bug in my house, Oliver Langton, I’m going to kick your ass so hard you won’t be able to sit for three days. Shut the door.”

  He looked up over his head and smirked. He knew how much their disgusting brown shell creeped me out.

  “With me on the inside or the outside of it?” he asked.

  “Depends,” I replied, taking a seat on my couch. “Are you making me share this drink with you?”

  He shut the door laughing and appeared in the living room with a playful smile. “I feel like this is a trick question. I honestly don’t know what the right answer is.”

  I bit the tip of the straw, trying to prevent myself from smiling and extended the glass. Oliver’s eyes lit up at my reaction.

  “Are you sure?”

  I nodded. “I’ve been waiting six years and seven months for this. Trust me, I’m sure.”

  “If you’ve been waiting six years and seven months for us to share a drink, maybe we should make this moment exactly what it’s supposed to be.”

  My eyebrows furrowed together as he went back the way he came. Seconds later he reappeared holding my Converse shoes in his hands.

  “Put these on and grab your sweatshirt, it’s a lot cooler than it was earlier today.”

  “Where are we going?” I asked slipping my sneakers on.

  “It depends. Do you feel like talking a walk?”

  I shook my head. “Not really, no.”

  “Willow tree it is then.” He grabbed our old comforter that I had been using for my nap, and took my hand. “Let’s go, and give me that before you drink it all.”