In a lot of ways, it’s absolutely terrifying.
I take Lily’s left hand and gently grasp the base of her ring finger between my thumb and forefinger. “I want to put a ring here,” I whisper almost inaudibly. “I want to make you my wife. I want you to have the Marini name. I want you to bear my children.” My throat clenches on those last words, the verbalization of the most devastating part of what I fear we’ll never have together. “I want all these things with you, and if I were anyone but who I really am, we could have them all together without question, but it’s not as simple as that because of me and my past.”
“It is simple,” Lily replies, glancing from her left hand up to my face with a fiery look of determination in her eyes. “I love you. I don’t need a ring on my finger or a certain last name attached to me to prove it.” Her free hand reaches for the side of my face. “I don’t need to be married to you to bear your children.”
I swallow hard, willing myself not to let the emotions pour out of me at hearing Lily say these things. It takes a few deep breaths before I feel confident enough that I can get my voice out again without breaking apart completely. “You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that.”
Lily wraps her arms around me, pulling me to her and enveloping me with her warmth and love as I hold her back just as tightly. After a few calming breaths, we pull back from each other, but Lily keeps my left hand between both of hers. She turns my wrist over, exposing my small black tattoo of the symbol of infinity. Pulling my wrist to her lips, she kisses the tattoo lightly then brings my wrist to her chest right next to her heart.
“This thing between us is forever, Dante. It’s persistent and endless, and nothing can change that. Nothing can stand in its way.”
I nod to her. It’s all I can do. There are no words to properly express my relief and joy and absolute disbelief that I could be so lucky to have this incredible, supportive woman by my side.
A curious look crosses Lily’s face as she pulls my wrist away from her just enough to inspect the tattoo. She traces the lines of the symbol with her forefinger before looking up at me with an excited gleam in her eye. “This is what I need,” she says softly, almost in disbelief at her own words. “Just like your parents.”
I stare at Lily and try to process her suggestion. “You want a matching tattoo?”
She nods, her smile only broadening. “The exact same tattoo. Same tattoo artist and everything.”
I can’t help laughing at Lily’s excitement over the prospect of permanently branding her body to match me. “If that’s what you want, I’ll take you there.”
“Today,” she insists. “On the way home. Let’s stop there today and do this.”
“Today it is, then.” I kiss Lily’s cheek and pull her against me as my gaze drifts out the window at the Boston skyline. Suddenly I don’t feel as sad about leaving this place. There’s excitement ahead, a future for me and Lily to embrace. Our lives together are only just beginning, and we have so much to look forward to.
It all starts today.
Epilogue
Three years later...
I can’t stop pacing.
“I need to get back in there,” I insist, making my way across the living room toward the closed bedroom door.
“Relax, Dante,” Dad says as he blocks my way. “You need a break. She’s in good hands.”
I know she’s in good hands. I know there’s nothing to worry about and everything’s progressing exactly as it should be, but I feel like I need to do something.
“This all looks very familiar to me,” Robert says from the rocking chair in the corner of the room. Both Dad and I turn to look at him, our combined confused faces apparently causing a wide grin to overtake Robert’s features. “I’ll never forget the expression on your face, Leo, when I pulled up to the house in Arizona the day Morgan went into labor. You looked just as lost and worried as Dante looks now.”
Dad rolls his eyes at Robert’s tease but manages a laugh. “I seem to remember Cindy saying something that day about me looking as much of a wreck as you were before Morgan was born.”
Robert nods at Dad, looking impressed. “Touché. I guess this is a family trait, then.”
This little back and forth between my dad and grandfather is doing nothing to make me feel better, but Dad’s original point was right. I need to relax. It’s imperative I be on my A-game by the time I go back in to see Lily.
Taking a seat on the couch, I lower my head into my hands and focus on the unstained hardwood beneath my feet. It reminds me of the few projects I have yet to complete in this house that Lily I share together. When she legitimately purchased the small foreclosure at an auction a few months ago using her own savings from her last couple years as a freelance writer and self-published author, I never would have thought we’d complete the majority of the rebuild and renovations in time for this day, but we managed to pull it off.
I guess it’s good motivation to have a baby on the way.
The couch cushion sinks next to me just before I feel a firm hand on my shoulder. “You’re doing just fine, son.”
I glance to my side and give my dad as much of a smile as I can manage. “I’m glad someone thinks so.”
“Don’t worry. When your mom was in labor with you, I got kicked out of the room for a while, too.”
Dad’s trying to bring some humor into this and make me feel better, but it’s not enough to cut through my worry over what’s going on elsewhere in the house behind that closed door.
“I know you feel helpless right now,” Dad continues, “but you’ll quickly realize women have superpowers when it comes to having children. All you have to do is be there for Lily and she’ll do the rest. Everything’s going to be just fine.”
The bedroom door suddenly opens, bringing me immediately to my feet. Mom and Cindy walk out of the room with glowing expressions on their faces that give me a momentary feeling of relief.
“She’s asking for you,” Mom says with a warm smile as she pulls me in for a hug. I embrace her back tentatively, my hands trembling a bit despite all attempts to steady them.
When we pull back from each other, I give my mom and the rest of my family a quick glance and a nod. It’s all the appreciation I can manage right now for their support as I face the most terrifying part of this incredible day in my life.
With a few quick steps, I’m inside the bedroom and closing the door behind me. The scene has changed significantly since I was last in here. The chair and birthing ball Lily was using to get through the contractions have been shoved to the side. There’s towels and plastic sheeting everywhere around the bed where Lily’s already lying down on her back with her knees in the air. Rebecca, the midwife, is in position at the end of the bed.
“We’re pushing already?” I ask in a mix of disbelief and horror.
“She’s ready,” Rebecca replies cheerily, still maintaining the peaceful, calm exterior she’s put forth since the moment we called her when Lily’s water broke early this morning.
Rushing to the side of the bed, I take Lily’s hand in mine and kiss her briefly before taking in the rest of her face. Beads of sweat rest on her forehead and her hair is a little wilder than it was before, but other than that she looks perfectly fine.
“Are you doing okay?” I ask her, not even bothering to strip the worry out of my voice. “I haven’t heard a peep from in here. How is it you’re pushing already?”
“I’ve tried to be quiet,” she breathes out, though I can hear the discomfort in each syllable she speaks. “I didn’t want to worry you.”
I’m about to open my mouth to argue when Rebecca interjects, “I want you to push hard with the next contraction.”
Lily nods and takes a few deep breaths before her eyes squeeze shut and her face twists into a grimace. She grips my hand tightly as her entire body seems to shake with the force of her pushing.
“That’s great, Lily,” Rebecca encourages. “A few more of those and I be
t we’ll see the head soon.”
By the time we get through a few more of those, though, Lily’s panting for breath after each contraction and the baby’s head is nowhere in sight. Lily’s hair is matted to the sides of her head in sweat from the sheer exertion her body’s going through.
I keep a tight hold on her hand and do my best to whisper words of encouragement and let her know I’m here for her, but it doesn’t seem like enough. After an hour of her pushing, I begin to wonder if anything will be enough to get this baby out of her.
“Big push,” Rebecca calls from the end of the bed, and Lily responds with exactly what she asked for. She’s still mid-push when Rebecca announces, “The baby’s crowning. You’re almost there.”
When the contraction is over, Lily exhales a heavy breath and looks at me. It’s really horrible timing considering Rebecca’s words just caused a look of terror on my face. I quickly try to recover and plaster my supportive, worry-free expression back on, but by the look Lily’s giving me, I’m far too late.
“You’re going to be a great father,” Lily says to me breathlessly, somehow managing to smile despite the exhaustion and pain that lace her every feature. “Don’t be afraid.”
I laugh to myself and shake my head in disbelief. Lily’s about to give birth to our child and she’s more concerned about me than anything else. There seem to be only two words to properly respond to her. “Thank you.”
She gives me a confused look. “For what?”
Leaning in close to her ear, I whisper, “For everything you’ve done for me and for us. For what you’re doing at this moment for us.”
“I love you. It’s what I do.” She pauses and grins for a moment before her expression turns more serious. “You’ve done just as much for me.”
Despite every instinct I feel to look away from her in the guilt that still plagues me, I manage to hold her gaze. “I’ve changed your life in a lot of ways, not all of them good.”
“Don’t say that. My life has been so much better with you in it.” She removes her hand from mine to cup the side of my face, brushing my cheek with her thumb. “I’m happy, Dante. You’ve shown me how to feel true happiness again, something that’s been missing in my life since my dad died.”
Lily’s hand drops from my face as she takes a couple deep breaths. I grasp her hand tightly as she enters the next contraction with a firm look of determination on her face.
“Give it all you’ve got, Lily,” Rebecca calls from the end of the bed just as Lily closes her eyes and grits her teeth and seems to put the focus of her entire body toward this push. My heart rate soars to a rapid pace as I watch her then comes to a complete halt at the most beautiful sound to greet my ears.
A baby’s cries.
There’s a tiny human being in Rebecca’s arms.
A piece of me. A piece of Lily.
Our son.
Seeing him in the flesh and breathing and flailing his tiny limbs is too much for me. I can’t hold back my tears as Rebecca wraps him loosely in a blanket and immediately places him on Lily’s chest. Lily’s crying and smiling and laughing all at once, her face aglow with the same adoration and love I feel inside at seeing our beautiful creation for the first time. She gently places a hand behind his back and head and holds him to her as his cries begin to diminish.
“He’s perfect,” Lily whispers as she glances over to me.
I nod in agreement, unable to find my voice in the chaos of emotions swirling through me.
Lily removes her hand from his head and takes my palm to place it there instead. Though his skin is still damp, I can feel the softness of the fuzz of dark hair that covers his head. He feels so warm, and it makes me realize that seeing him and touching him are two completely different things. I could gaze at him all day and know he’s here with us, but feeling his warmth against my skin is what makes this so real. He’s actually here, our own flesh and blood.
Our small family just got a little bit bigger.
Rebecca directs me through cutting the umbilical cord and takes a few minutes to check the baby and clean him up. By the time he’s in a diaper and wrapped in a clean blanket, Rebecca’s ready to hand him off to Lily, but Lily points at me instead.
“He needs to meet his daddy,” she explains, “and daddy needs to introduce him to the family.”
“Now?” I say in disbelief, and Lily nods.
I feel both completely out of my element and one hundred percent content as Rebecca places my son in my arms. His eyes are closed, but by the slight movements of his head and wiggling of his body, I know he must be awake. I look to Lily one more time, her grinning face wet with tears as she watches me cradle our son, before I carefully open the door.
The quiet chatter in the living room immediately ceases as I walk into the room. Mom’s hands cover her mouth as she sees me, and she already has tears falling down her cheeks. Dad stands next to her with his arm around her back and a proud look of approval on his face. Cindy and Robert are sitting on the couch, hand in hand, both beaming smiles at me.
“I want you to meet our son,” I announce, “Jack Pearce Alistair.”
Mom immediately bursts into a smile, though her tears seem to double at hearing the name Lily and I chose for our son. Despite Dad’s attempts to hold himself together, I can see the emotions overtaking his face. It only seemed appropriate to name our son after the man who did so much for my parents and ultimately saved my life when I was just an infant. The only thing he’s missing is my family’s last name.
“Hello, Jack,” Mom says quietly as she brushes her fingers lightly across his temple.
Dad wraps his arms around Mom’s stomach from behind as he watches the baby, a spark of admiration in his watering eyes. He glances at me and smiles. “Jack was a great man. You couldn’t have picked a better name for your son.”
Cindy and Robert approach us together. Cindy’s expression is beaming as she takes in the baby in my arms. Robert’s gaze remains stoic, but I can see the elation in his eyes.
With my entire family surrounding me and my son, it becomes exceptionally clear to me that regardless of where we’ve been and what came before this, all that matters is we’re here. My parents suffered through the worst kinds of pain and separation before they could finally be together and embrace their future with me. We’ve been through a lot together since then. Life hasn’t been easy or free of hardships, and I’ve battled plenty of my own demons over the years, but in the end I’ve found happiness and something to look forward to in my life.
The light at the end of the tunnel always seemed out of reach for me, constantly visible in the distance but always too far ahead of my path no matter how hard I tried to reach it. Now I’m right there in the midst of it, basking in the light and joy of having a supportive family around me, an incredible woman by my side, and a son in my arms.
My future is resting comfortably in my arms.
“Don’t let us keep you both from Lily,” Mom insists as she wipes at her eyes. “You should be with her.”
Cindy nods in agreement. “Little Jack needs some time with his parents. We’ll have plenty of time for visiting later.”
I nod appreciatively to the circle of family around me, still a little speechless that I just introduced them to their newest member of the family, before making my way back to the bedroom.
As I walk in, a tired but beaming smile emerges on Lily’s face as she’s sitting up in the bed with a sheet pulled over her. Rebecca is busy cleaning up but abandons her efforts when she sees me walk in the room.
“Let me give you both some privacy,” she offers as she heads to the door. “I’ll be outside if you need me.”
Before we can even say another word, she slips out the door and closes it behind her, leaving our little family alone together for the first time since Jack’s arrival.
I carefully take a seat on the bed next to Lily and offer the baby to her. She takes him from me and holds him in her arms as if she’s done this a million times a
lready, and it only causes me to smile more.
“You’re a natural,” I compliment, prompting Lily to look up at me with a shy but playful smirk.
“You’re not doing too bad yourself,” she replies before returning her gaze to the tiny bundle in her arms. She contemplates him quietly for a few moments before saying, “You know what this means, right?”
Lily’s excited eyes reach my confused gaze as I give her a sideways glance. “We’re not sleeping soundly again for the next eighteen years?”
With a slight roll of her eyes, Lily tries and fails to keep a straight face. “You’re lucky Jack’s in my arms or I’d smack you,” she scolds. “I’m trying to be serious here. Something significant just happened and I don’t think you even realize it.”
I readjust on the bed so that I’m facing Lily directly, doing everything I can to maintain a serious face. “Okay. Enlighten me.”
“You just completed your bucket list,” she whispers with excitement, and the moment the words leave her lips, I find my mouth agape.
She’s right. Starting a family was last on my original bucket list that Lily coaxed out of me years ago before we were even officially dating. At the time I wasn’t sure it would ever be in the cards for me. I couldn’t imagine asking a woman to bear my children without knowing my past and the truth behind the identity I’ve had to live by and put forth to the world.
But Lily knows my past. I never intended for her to learn of it or meet my family or know every part of me, but none of it scared her away. If anything, it only made her support me and love me even more. It ultimately brought us closer together, and in the end we were able to start a family. We created a beautiful son who has his entire future ahead of him, the horizon endless, the possibilities boundless.
“My bucket list is complete,” I acknowledge out loud as I laugh to myself at the more important realization behind this development in my life.
My bucket list never mattered. It’s not about me or my lost childhood or the loneliness and difficulties I endured growing up hidden away in the backwoods of Maine with my parents and the forest as my only companions. None of that matters now that I have Lily and Jack in my life. I can’t undo my past, but I can shape Jack’s future. He can have everything I didn’t have, and in the end, that’s all that counts.
Beyond Resistance (The Ransom Series) Page 26
