His Eternal Flame

by Valentine, Layla

  But what if she’s not? Will she want to try again with me? Move on and look for a donor somewhere else? There are too many questions, and I’m going fucking insane without any of them being answered.

  “How’s it going in there?” I call out, halting pacing for a moment.

  “Okay,” comes Violet’s muffled answer. A toilet flushes. “It’ll just be a few minutes.”

  I go back to wearing a trail into the floorboards. This whole spilling my guts thing is new. Maybe I just need to take baby steps. Admit one thing today, and the next, tomorrow…if I can handle it.

  Going to the door, I steel myself and let the words fly out.

  “Violet, I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this. I know that it was supposed to be a no-strings-attached thing, and that back when all of this started, I wasn’t bothered about being a dad. But the truth is, I am now. And I don’t mean that in some casual way. I don’t want to be the kind of dad who visits once a month, or once a year. I want to be there, each and every day.”

  My throat becomes tight as I think about Violet’s father walking out on her. Never in a million years will I hurt my kid that way.

  “I want to raise the baby with you, and I want to be there when he or she is born. I get that you want to do this on your own, but please just think about it, all right? That’s…that’s all I’m asking.”

  The most painful silence ever follows my speech. Never have I felt so damn exposed—and I haven’t even told Violet I’m in love with her. I close my eyes and will myself to not turn and run from the gallery with my tail behind my legs.

  Just as I’m getting to the point where I can’t take the silence any longer, the bathroom door opens. Violet stands there, eyes soft and searching my face.

  “Do you mean what you said?” she quietly asks.

  “Yes,” I fiercely whisper, putting my heart and soul into that one word. “It’s been on my mind for weeks, Violet. And I know this isn’t right, but even when we first made the agreement, I think a part of me wanted this. I’m not a robot. I want people around me…and I think I would make an okay dad. I mean, shit, I’d try my hardest every day.” I sigh, running out of steam. “I don’t know what else to say. Please just think it over.”

  She draws that perfect lower lip between her teeth.

  “You never said anything about this before.”

  “Because I knew it wasn’t what you wanted.”

  Unexpectedly, her eyes fill with tears.

  “God, Sean, I was just being strong because I have to. It’s not that I hate the idea of having my baby’s dad around…I just know I can’t depend on that.”

  I quickly take her hand in mine. “You can with me. I promise.”

  A single tear rolls down her cheek. “I believe you.”

  Relief and joy explode in my chest—but with them, there’s also sadness. Violet only knows half of what’s been keeping me awake for weeks.

  “So…if you are pregnant, does that mean you’ll let me help raise the baby?”

  She nods. “Yes.”

  Emotion clogs my throat. “When is the test ready?”

  Violet reaches for the counter next to her, grabbing two handfuls of sticks. She extends them all, a smile on her face. Five plus signs make my vision swirl.

  “That…that’s a yes, right?” I stammer.

  Violet smiles. “Yes. I’m pregnant.”

  Chapter 20

  Violet

  “Great. Thanks so much.” I hang up the phone and turn to Sean. “They just had a cancellation and can fit me in if I go down there right away.”

  He’s already turning for the gallery door. “Let’s go. Where is it?”

  “I have to tell Kaila…” The rest of the words die as the girl in question comes through the gallery’s front door.

  Her surprised gaze falls on Sean.

  “Hello,” she cautiously says.

  “Hey.”

  Sean nods at her, but he’s already looking past her shoulder, eager to get going. His enthusiasm warms my heart and makes me want to start crying again.

  “We were just going to the doctor,” I announce.

  Kaila gasps. “You are?”

  “Yeah.” I take her hand and pull her toward my office. “Sean, I’ll be there in one second.”

  As soon as I close the office door, Kaila grabs my shoulders.

  “I brought you a test.”

  “I already took five that Sean brought. I’m pregnant!”

  “Oh my gosh,” she coos. “This is huge!”

  “I know. And there’s more: Sean wants to be involved. Full-time.”

  Her skeptical look can’t be missed. “Is that what you want?”

  “Yeah.” As I say it, my confidence grows.

  I’ve spent so long denying myself, it feels amazing to speak my truth. Now, if only Sean also wanted to be my partner, not just a co-parent.

  “We have to go. The doctor’s office just fit me in last minute.”

  “Good luck.” Kaila hugs me. “Keep me updated.”

  “I will,” I promise.

  We walk in silence to my car. I like that Sean doesn’t even mention taking his motorcycle. Hopefully, that’s a good sign.

  This is right. I know it. When Sean told me he wanted to help raise the baby, I nearly fell over. Despite my earlier misgivings, I was wrong about him. He’s not my father, and he’s not some other guy who is going to make a promise and just leave. He’s Sean. When he gives his word, it means something.

  “What are you thinking?” he asks as I pull out into traffic.

  I give him a quick glance. Anything more is too hard.

  “My head is kind of a mess right now.”

  He nods and looks at his lap. We hit a red light, and now, I can’t help but stare at the side of his face. There are so many words resting right on my tongue, but no courage behind them. So much has already happened today. What would I even say if I found the nerve? I love you, Sean?

  No. Not gonna happen. I’m not that crazy.

  The light changes to green, and I hit the gas, leaving the untouched confession far behind.

  * * *

  At the doctor’s office, Sean comes into the room with me. We sit in hard chairs and I answer question after question, watching Sean out of the corner of my eye the whole time. If he’s just as nervous as I am, he doesn’t show it. His face is smooth, his posture calm.

  When the doctor gives an estimated conception date, we finally look straight at each other. Sean’s green eyes dance.

  “That day…” I murmur.

  He nods, agreeing to what I won’t say. The date is only an estimation, but if it’s right, then that means Sean got me pregnant the very first day we slept together.

  “Looks like I owe you a painting,” I say.

  Sean smirks, red covering his face. It might be the first time I’ve ever seen him blush. Knowing I’m the one who’s making him do it causes me to be happy to an unnatural degree.

  With my next appointment booked, Sean and I leave the doctor’s office. Everything is just the same as it was when we walked in, yet it’s all different. I’m pregnant. Really pregnant. In one day, my entire life has changed.

  Stopping on the sidewalk, I take in the world around us. The clouds lazily floating across the sky. The cars passing on the street. One day, I’ll walk around Honolulu holding a little hand in mine.

  And where will Sean be?

  I look over at him, waiting patiently next to the open car door. I want him by my side. Always.

  But I can’t have that, because he’s not mine. He never was. Sean is a free bird. I trust that he’ll stay true to his word and be there for the baby, but beyond that, everything is up in the air.

  I already have what I asked for: a baby on the way. I can’t expect the whole package from a man who might not deliver. No, that would just be greedy.

  Chapter 21

  Sean

  I hold the car door open for Violet as she gets in. I try to catch her eye
so we can share a smile, but her hair falls across her face, creating a screen that shuts me out. Keeping my disappointment tamped down, I take my own seat.

  “One second,” she says as she texts. “I’m just updating Kaila. And…there.”

  She puts the phone away and gives me one of those half-hearted smiles.

  “Is everything all right?”

  “Yeah,” she answers through her tight grin.

  “If you don’t want me to do this…” I can’t finish the sentence.

  “Sean.” Violet’s hand rests on mine—but only for a second before she quickly pulls it away. “I do.” Her eyes are earnest, and all I can do is believe her.

  It’s not like I’m giving the other option a go. Like I already promised, I’m in this for the long-haul. Nothing can change that.

  “What now?” I ask. “Do you need to go back to the gallery right away? We could get something to eat. Or go shopping. We’re gonna need so much stuff.” I frown. “Shit. What do we need? A crib? Diapers?”

  Violet laughs.

  “Sean, relax. There’s plenty of time for that. And, no, I don’t need to go back to the gallery right away. Everything is on hold today for the painting, and Kaila is there, so I guess…I’m free.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah,” she agrees.

  I wait for more, praying she won’t start the car and tell me she’s dropping me off at my bike.

  What are things going to be like between us now? There’s still so much to talk about. What does it mean to be co-parents but not partners? And is she still feeling the same attraction I am? Every time Violet moves, I want to touch her, to bury myself in her scent and her skin.

  “There’s something I need to do,” she quietly says. “And if I don’t go ahead and get it over with, it’ll drive me crazy.”

  “What is it?”

  “I need to tell my mom. Will you come with me?”

  “Yeah. Of course.”

  Violet sighs and worriedly bites on her lip.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “She’s not going to like this.”

  “Hm.” She’s right about that. Violet’s mom is…particular. “What do you want to tell her, exactly?”

  “Well,” she carefully starts, “We need to let her know you’re the father. If you’re going to help raise the baby, our parents will find out sooner or later.”

  “So, we’ll tell her the truth.”

  “Let’s leave Frank out of it,” she suggests, smiling.

  “Don’t worry. I wasn’t planning on sharing that part with anyone.”

  “Okay.” She takes a long inhale and starts the car. “Let’s get this over with.”

  During the drive her mom’s house, I stare out the window, lost in my own thoughts, just as Violet probably is. Her mom’s not going to understand why two people who are just friends have decided to have a baby together, and my parents probably won’t either.

  Which is fine, because I don’t fully get it as well.

  As Violet turns onto her mom’s street, I remind myself not to let ulterior motives take control of my brain. This is about my relationship with my child, not about me and Violet.

  “Oh,” she quietly says.

  I look through her window and find what she’s staring at. Not only is Violet’s mom’s car in the driveway, my own mother’s is there as well.

  Violet parks on the street and looks over at me.

  “We don’t have to do this now.”

  “No, let’s do it.”

  “I’m kind of glad your mom is here, actually.”

  “Why’s that?”

  She shrugs. “I have a feeling she’ll be supportive.”

  “Huh?”

  I don’t have time to ask a real question, because Violet is out of the car and crossing the yard. I catch up, making sure we’re next to each other when she knocks on the front door.

  “Violet. Sean!” Caroline cries as she opens the door. “What are you two doing here?”

  Violet draws her shoulders back. “Mom, we’d like to talk with you and Abigail.”

  “All right,” she uncertainly says, catching Violet’s serious tone. Her eyes narrow slightly as they slip over to me, but she steps aside and lets us into the living room.

  Just as Violet and I take a seat next to each other on the couch, my mom comes in from the kitchen, a glass of iced tea in hand.

  “I thought I heard your voices. What’s the occasion?”

  “Hey, Mom.” I force a smile, wondering what she’ll have to say in about two minutes.

  “Will you both have a seat?” Violet quietly asks.

  Our mothers exchange a quick look before they settle into the two armchairs in the corners.

  Violet clears her throat. I can practically feel the anxiety wafting off of her. I’m dying to hold her hand, to wrap my arm around her waist…to do something—anything. Since that might not be what she wants, though, I keep my hands to myself.

  “As you both know, I’ve been making plans to have a child for a while now.”

  “Huh?” I ask, my eyes jumping to my mom. She just nods and shrugs, sipping her tea like it’s no big deal.

  Caroline’s lips purse.

  “I hope this isn’t about the insemination clinic, Violet. Is this about that?”

  “Those plans fell through,” Violet dully answers.

  Caroline makes a ‘figures’ face, and if she wasn’t my future child’s grandmother, I’d be on my feet right about now, daring her to keep treating Violet that way.

  “But I am still having a baby,” Violet continues. “And I came here to tell you I’m pregnant.”

  Both moms stare at her, looking like they’re in shock. Then, as my mom’s face transforms into a look of joy, Caroline’s eyes fall to the carpet.

  “Violet!” Mom coos. “That’s wonderful. Congratulations, honey.”

  “How?” Caroline demands.

  Then, she looks at me again. And then she gets it.

  “You two aren’t seeing each other,” Caroline quietly says. “Are you?”

  “No,” I hastily reply. Violet’s done enough talking as it is, and it’s no doubt killing her. “But we’ve decided to have a child together. As friends.”

  Dead silence. This time, I put my arm around Violet’s shoulder and hold her close. Screw proper behavior or whatever.

  “That’s not a thing,” Caroline snorts. “You can’t have a baby as friends.”

  I open my mouth to—hopefully calmly—tell her we are indeed doing that, but Violet beats me to the punch.

  “Obviously we can,” she snaps, “Because that’s exactly what we’re doing.”

  Caroline’s chest sharply rises, and her face turns red.

  “Violet,” she quietly seethes, “I know this sounds like a good idea today, but trust me, you will regret this. When a man walks into your life—”

  “Not everyone needs a husband,” Violet counters. “And not everyone is sitting around waiting for the one who left them fifteen years ago to come back.”

  It’s as if all the air is sucked out of the room. There’s no way for a sound to be made. Everyone freezes, caught in this awful moment. Violet’s jab was as low of a blow as they can get; we all know that. And, damn, it hurts to watch that punch hit home. Caroline is frozen, the only thing moving in her face the ticking of her clamped jaw.

  Without warning, Mom stands up and claps her hands together.

  “Both of you, let’s stop this right now. This is nothing to fight over. Violet has already made her choice…and Sean as well, it seems.”

  Her questioning eyes fall on me, and I know what she’s probably thinking. Who is this man on the couch and was has he done with her independent, bachelor son?

  We’re sure to have a long, long talk later.

  “I’m sorry,” Caroline tartly says, shaking her head. “But I cannot support this. You both are too young to know what you want.”

  I tighten my grip around Violet’s shoulders.
<
br />   “With all respect, Caroline, we’re almost thirty. I think we know what we want.”

  Really, I only just figured out what I want, but she doesn’t need to know that.

  Violet, who has been oddly quiet for a while now, trembles against my chest, her hands curling into fists.

  “None of this has to do with you, Mom, and I refuse to end up like you.”

  Violet stands, leaving my embrace like I’m not even there, and pulls the door open. It hits the wall with a bang, and, just like that, she’s gone. I’m left staring at an empty doorway, my mouth hanging open.

  A touch on my shoulder makes me jerk around.

  “Go talk to her,” Mom whispers. “I’ll stay with Caroline.”

  I let out a hot exhale. “Okay.”

  “Sean?”

  “Yeah?” I ask, pulse thundering in my ears.

  “I think I understand,” she whispers. “But even if I don’t…it’s your choice.”

  My chest nearly melts from the warmth that fills it. “Thanks, Mom.”

  Without looking at Caroline, I leave the house. Violet’s car is right where we left it, but she’s nowhere to be seen. Dashing onto the sidewalk, I scan the area for any sign of her.

  “Fuck,” I exhale.

  Pulling my phone from my pocket, I call her number. No answer.

  I’m not about to sit around and wait for her to come back, though. Violet’s no doubt feeling all alone right now. I have to show her she’s anything but that. I have to show her that I’m here for her.

  In every possible way.

  Where would I go if I were her? I rush down the sidewalk, thinking hard. Suddenly, it hits me.

  Arms pumping at my sides, I run across the street and down another block, not stopping till I’m at the park. Violet’s just where I thought she’d be, sitting on the bleachers and staring at an empty baseball diamond.

  “Violet.”

  She turns at the sound of my voice, revealing the tear streaks on her cheeks. Quickly, she rubs at her face and turns back around, probably ashamed to be caught crying.

  “How did you know I’d be here?”

  “Are you serious?”

  I stop at the bleachers and look up at her. She’s on one of the very top benches, putting her several heads above me.