Mercy of St Jude

by Wilhelmina Fitzpatrick

  On the Saturday morning of her first week at the convent, Callum arrived early, glad to have a whole day to spend with her. Mercedes was making bread, one of her favourite chores. She said it warmed her soul, kneading that great mound of dough, so full in her hands, its warm breath puffing out with each new fold.

  Suddenly, she pressed her sticky, floury hands to her stomach. Callum could see the shock in her eyes.

  For the rest of the day, he watched helplessly as Mercedes went from ripping pain to mind-numbing relief and back again, each respite increasingly short lived. His hands felt bruised from the pressure of her grasp, yet he was grateful for it.

  Early in the evening, she started to vomit. Dry retches overpowered her, the lingering force of one seeming to prompt the next. Then she began to shake. To make matters worse, her stomach continued to heave as her body shook. She no longer had the strength to squeeze his hand. No one had prepared them for this.

  Eventually, he was sent from the room. Callum paced the wood floor, listening as his sister’s groans increased and decreased in pitch but not in frequency.

  Sister Justine came out and led him to the kitchen. She poured him a cup of tea.

  “Mr. Hann, things are not going well. Whatever it was that got your mother is probably the same thing that has Mercedes in its grasp. But in her case, the damage from the rape has made it worse.”

  Callum glanced sharply at her. “You know what happened to Mercie?” He’d told the Mother Superior some of the truth, but he hadn’t expected her to tell anyone.

  “Sister Ignatius had to tell the doctor in order to explain her condition.” She shuddered. “That man did not just cut her on the outside, he went inside as well.”

  “Inside? You mean, with the knife, he cut her inside…”

  “Yes. It’s amazing she was able to carry a child after what was done to her.”

  Callum suddenly remembered it, the blood on the floor at her feet and on her legs. He remembered her embarrassment and his rush to cover her up. “I didn’t know. She said it was just…Oh my God, poor Mercie.”

  “The man who did this, has anyone tried to find him? Perhaps it might cause some change in him if he knew what his crime had wrought.”

  Callum recalled Paddy Griffin’s leering face. This woman could never understand or condone what he and Mercedes had done. He shook his head. He didn’t trust his voice.

  Intelligent eyes stared into his. Bowing her head, she made the sign of the cross, then looked back up at him. “The doctor is quite concerned. He needs to bring someone in to perform a Caesarean section. It will be expensive, Mr. Hann.”

  Callum didn’t care about the money even though he had none. Judith’s parents were good for it. “Whatever she needs. Just take care of her.”

  Sister Justine placed a hand on his arm. “Your sister is lucky to have you.”

  He almost laughed. “Lucky? Mercie’s the farthest from lucky I ever knew.”

  The doctor came in and walked straight up to Callum. “We have to get the baby out right away. She went through quite an ordeal, didn’t she?”

  “The worst fate that can befall a girl.”

  “We can’t move her, not with so much blood lost.” He patted Callum’s shoulder. “Have faith, Mr. Hann. The good Lord takes care of his children.”

  Callum said nothing. The Lord had done a rotten job so far.

  For two hours he waited. When he wasn’t praying like a madman, he wanted to scream like one. Conflicting images drifted through his head – Mercedes laughing and talking like her old self, then her face earlier that night, the dead-eyed defeat, all playing and replaying like non-stop echoes. Finally, Sister Justine and the doctor came out.

  “We’ve done everything we can for now.” Sister Justine’s voice was not reassuring. “Your sister will stay here, but there’s an ambulance on the way for the baby.”

  “How is she?” Callum asked.

  “She’s jaundiced and may have pneumonia, and she—” The doctor stopped abruptly. “Sorry. I thought you meant the baby.”

  The truth struck Callum then. “Mercie said it was going to be a girl.”

  The doctor looked grim. “I’m afraid it’s the only child she’ll ever have.”

  “She’s going to need a lot of care for the next while,” Sister Justine added.

  “But she will get better?”

  “We hope so, given her age and general state of health.”

  “What about the baby?”

  “Again, we’re hopeful, although in one so young, it’s hard to say. But this could interfere with the adoption. Neonatal care is expensive.”

  Callum had been so concerned with his sister that he hadn’t thought about the baby. This child who Mercedes loved without ever having seen might be abandoned, not just by people unknown to them all, but by her own family as well.

  A door opened down the hall. Sister Ignatius appeared, papers in hand.

  Callum turned to the frost-framed window. Outside, the pristine white of snow-laden fields dissolved into the night’s invisible backdrop. In his mind’s eye he saw his sister’s face, the wet, black lashes on chalk-white cheeks, ultimately and always alone no matter how much he wanted to help her.

  He turned around. “The adoption is off. We’re keeping the baby.”

  15

  Callum was almost as surprised by what he’d said as everyone else appeared to be. But he knew immediately that it was the right decision. “I’ll…Judith and I will raise her.”

  Sister Ignatius eyed him warily. “Mrs. Hann was quite clear that the baby should be adopted when we spoke on the phone last summer.”

  “Yes, I know. But now the baby’s here and I’m scared what might happen to her. The baby’s real family, Merce’s family, we’ve got to be the best place for her.”

  Sister Ignatius looked to the doctor. He nodded. She dropped the papers. “If you leave now, you and your wife should have time to discuss the details, get some sleep and be back early tomorrow.”

  “But I have to be here when Merce wakes up.”

  “Mr. Hann, I don’t think you fully comprehend the situation. There is a family expecting word of their new child, a child who is ill. We need to know who will be responsible. I’d advise you to make haste if you intend for this plan of yours to work.”

  There seemed to be an emphasis on the word “plan.” The Mother Superior was no fool. Neither was Judith. Callum had no idea how he would coerce her into such an unselfish act, but one way or another, he intended to raise his sister’s baby.

  “Well?” Judith asked, smoothing the last traces of night cream into her face.

  “Merce had a girl. The baby’s in the hospital but the doctor thinks she’ll recover with the proper care.” He sat down hard on the bed. “And enough money.”

  “I see. And your sister?” Judith asked through the dresser mirror.

  “There was a lot of damage, on the inside. She can’t have any more children.”

  Judith sat down next to him. “God works in mysterious ways.”

  Over the past months they had soft-shoed around each other trying to repair their marriage. Even so, his instinct at that moment was to shove her spiteful words down her thin white throat. But he needed her, and her family’s money, too much.

  “Judith, there’s more to what happened to Merce than we told you.”

  “I always knew that.” She folded her arms and waited.

  “I can’t tell you everything and I got to ask you to accept that, for all our sakes. But I’ll try not to lie to you anymore.”

  She gave a small sideways nod.

  He strained to keep his voice even. “The first night I was back in St. Jude, a noise woke me up in the night. When I went upstairs, Mercedes was being raped.”

  Judith’s wide eyes had grown ever larger. “Raped? Oh, Callum, that’s terrible. Poor Mercedes.” She stopped and thought a second. “It was Paddy Griffin, wasn’t it?”

  Not for the first time, Callum was amazed a
t how quickly she figured things out, as if the knowledge was already there, inside her, waiting for the spark that would trigger it into the open. He nodded. There was nothing to gain by denying it.

  She stood abruptly. “I knew there was something wrong there, just the way you spoke of him, you and Mercedes. There was something in your voice.”

  “He was an animal.”

  Judith’s eyes locked on his. “You said ‘was’? What does that mean?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “What happened to him? Tell me!”

  “He was going to kill her.”

  She backed away from the bed. “He’s dead, isn’t he?”

  Callum looked at her, unblinking, for several moments.

  She sucked in a sharp breath. “Jesus! You killed him!”

  “Judith, listen, please.” He reached out towards her but she moved farther away. “I did what I had to do.”

  She stared at him as if she didn’t know him. “My husband’s a murderer!”

  “No. It was self-defence—”

  She seemed not to have heard. “Daddy will be furious. Our name will be dragged through the mud. Our reputation, my father, this could ruin us.”

  Again, Callum reached out. “Nobody knows, Judith. And nobody has to know.”

  Her hand shot to her mouth. “Where is your father?”

  “Judith, there are some things better left—”

  “Callum, answer me! Is he dead, too?”

  He nodded. He had no capacity left for lying.

  A look of horror washed over her. “Was he…did he…? His own daughter?”

  “No! Besides, he didn’t know, didn’t realize, that it was Merce.”

  “How could he not know?”

  “He thought she was my mother. His mind…it wasn’t right anymore.”

  “Great! So he was crazy as well?” Like a caged animal, she began to pace, past the dresser and the window, to the corner and back again. On her third trip, she paused to look outside. “You’re certain no one knows?”

  “No one even knew I’d been home to St. Jude.”

  She pulled the curtains shut. “Didn’t anyone wonder where two grown men disappeared to?”

  “The whole town thinks they drove off to Toronto. They were bragging about going there for months.”

  She walked to the dresser mirror and peered intently at her reflection. “This is a fine mess you’ve gotten us into.”

  “There’s one more thing we have to talk about. It’s about Merce and the baby.”

  Her eyes met his in the glass. “Not tonight.”

  “I’m sorry, Judith, but it can’t wait.”

  “Please. It will hold until morning.”

  He shook his head. “No, it won’t.”

  She slumped onto the bed beside him.

  Callum felt an unusual compassion for her. “I’ll put the kettle on. Come down when you’re ready.” Surprising himself, he kissed the top of her head before he left.

  When she came down, he poured her a cup of tea. “There’s only one way to say this. I think we should adopt the baby.

  People will think we did a quiet adoption and hopefully not ask a bunch of questions. No one knew Merce was pregnant so we won’t have to explain that.”

  He waited. The argument didn’t come. Feeling hopeful, he described Mercedes’ desperation. “She couldn’t bear thinking about losing this child to strangers.”

  Judith frowned. “The baby, it’s half the father. If he was the kind of man to do what he did, what will he have passed on?

  What kind of family was he from?”

  Callum noticed she’d already relegated Paddy Griffin to the past. He looked forward to the day they’d never have to refer to him in any tense again. “They’re not the smartest crowd in the world, but they’re not a bad lot. As for Paddy, he came and went from St. Jude over the years but he always ended up in trouble.” He stopped. It was time to leave Paddy Griffin where he belonged. “What are you thinking, Judith? About the baby and us and everything? Let’s be honest with each other, okay?”

  She blinked back a rare well-up of tears. “I’ve been trying to get pregnant for months now and I can’t. I know we haven’t been doing it that much but something should have happened.

  I wasn’t even all that careful before and now I really want to and ... nothing.” Actual tears, like rich fat dewdrops, rolled down her cheeks. “Who’s being punished now?” She laid her head on her arms and sobbed into the tabletop.

  A rush of relief spread through Callum. He caressed her back. “None of us are to blame. You had a right to be mad at me, even at Merce. I’m still not sure we made the best decisions. All I know is we have to keep going, and I really want that baby to be part of us before it’s too late.”

  As suddenly as they’d begun the tears were over. She shrugged his hand off her back and reached for a tissue. “But what’s the hurry?”

  His rejected hand lay on the table. “They either got to give the baby to the adoptive parents, if they still want her, or to us. I know what I want.”

  “What about what I want?”

  “Somebody has to take on the hospital bills, and I can’t see some stranger wanting to do it. We need to head up there first thing in the morning.”

  Her eyes narrowed into angry slits. “You’ve already decided, haven’t you?”

  “There’s no other way. Don’t you see?” he pleaded.

  “No, I don’t see at all.”

  “I have to do this for her.”

  “For who?”

  “For the baby.”

  “For Mercedes, you mean.”

  “For God’s sake, what’s the difference?”

  “Can’t you tell?” she demanded. “Don’t you know?”

  “Judith, what are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about you choosing your sister over me.”

  He stared at her in disbelief. “I’m choosing an innocent child.”

  “The hell you are!”

  And in that single instant, he didn’t care anymore. He pushed his tea away and stood up. “With or without you, I’m raising that child.”

  “And what if I go to the police?”

  “I’ll have to take that chance.” Even as he said it, he knew she’d never do it. And just as suddenly he felt sure she wouldn’t leave him either. She would not let her father be right, nor would she allow the family name to be sullied.

  On the other hand, if he was wrong, if his marriage did end, Mercedes would be saddled with even more guilt. “We can do this, Judith. We can raise the baby, be a family. Think about it, a helpless baby. We can’t give her to strangers. Please, Judith?” She sat absolutely still, except for her face. The woman had one of the most expressive faces Callum had ever seen. He watched as the anger subsided, the resignation set in, the calculations began.

  “I can’t believe you’ve put us in this situation. But we are a family and families should stick together,” she said stiffly. “We will have to make the best of it.”

  “It will all work out, I promise.”

  “We shall see.” She stood abruptly. “For now, let’s get some sleep.”

  The red-tinged sky rose slowly behind them as they drove into daybreak. Callum, still tired after a restless night, glanced over at Judith. Her face was paler than usual. Tiny lines edged the corners of her mouth, lines he’d never noticed before.

  Judith broke the silence. “If I am going to do this, I have certain conditions.”

  Callum missed the brief vulnerability of the night before.

  “This needs some getting used to,” she said, “taking on a child all of a sudden. Most women get nine months, and what do I get? A day? Less than that even.”

  “I’m sorry. I wish there was some other way.”

  She dismissed his apology with a flutter of fingers. “There are issues we need to deal with. For starters, no one is to know where it came from, including your brother.”

  “But the Sisters at St. Agath
a’s all know. And your father and your uncle.”

  “My family will do whatever it takes to keep this quiet. And those damn nuns won’t breathe a word if the money’s right.”

  Callum kept his voice as even as possible. “What else?”

  “She has to stay away from the child, no contact whatsoever. If I could arrange it she’d never know we adopted it, but I can’t figure out a way around that.”

  He took his eyes from the pavement. “But we’re family. She’s bound to see her some time even if we do live in different countries.”

  “Not if you prevent it.”

  “I can’t do that. Besides, Merce is going to need help after all this.”

  “We’ll get her some help. I didn’t mean we’d just turn our backs on her.”

  Callum hesitated. “I thought she could stay with us for a while. We could make up some excuse about why she was sick.”

  Judith’s head turned sharply in his direction. “You’re not listening to me. If, and I do mean if, I adopt this baby, I will be her only mother. She must never ever know about Mercedes. Is that clear?”

  “Yes, I heard you but how can that happen?”

  “I’ll tell you how.” Her voice had risen. “Mercedes has to agree to every bit of this or it’s off. I know you think this wasn’t her fault but that hardly matters now. I have to do what I think is best, and as far as I’m concerned she has to stay out of that baby’s life. For that to happen she’ll have to make sure they never meet.” She waited half a minute. “Which means giving you up along with her little bastard.”

  Callum clenched the wheel. No one besides Paddy Griffin had ever inspired such anger in him. “I can’t just send Mercedes home alone after this nightmare. You got to understand I can’t do that to her.”

  “If I know anything at all in this whole mess it’s that you love your goddamn sister.” Her voice shot up in anger. “But that’s the point. It’s all her, isn’t it? I won’t have her in my house, with her brother and her baby, both of whom would be more rightly mine than hers. It will never work.”