Barely Legal

by Stuart Woods

  105

  MARIO’S TOWN CAR pulled up in front of the house, and the four men got out and walked up to the door. Carlo banged on it. After a moment, he banged on it again.

  Gus opened the door and peered out. His attitude was not welcoming. “Whaddya want?”

  “Ninety thousand dollars,” Carlo said.

  Gus blinked. “What?”

  “We’re here for the money.”

  Gus laughed. “Get lost.” He started to shut the door.

  Carlo’s eyes blazed. He moved his bulk forward into the doorway and started to draw his gun, but Mario Payday grabbed his arm. “Carlo. There is no need for unpleasantness. Let Mr. Fisher handle this.” Mario pushed Herbie forward. “Mr. Fisher, if you please.”

  Herbie smiled at the two goons. “Could I speak to Uncle Henry, please?”

  The man’s brow furrowed. “Who?”

  “He’s expecting me. I know you’re here to guard the money, but not from me. I’m the one the money is for.”

  “Oh, is that right?”

  “Yes, it is,” Mario Payday said. He bulled his way in the door with his usual sense of entitlement, pushing Herbie along with him. Mario’s goons crowded in behind him.

  Cousin Lou, roused from his lethargy, got up from the couch. “Hey. This is my house.”

  “Are you Uncle Henry?” Mario said.

  “I’m Cousin Lou.”

  Mookie came out of the kitchen with a beer. “Hey, what’s going on here?” His eyes widened. “Mario Payday! What the hell are you doing here?” He spotted Herbie. “And the lawyer. What are you doing with him? I thought you killed his girlfriend.”

  Herbie blinked. His head came up. Mario Payday killed Yvette? Not Tommy Taperelli?

  In a flash, he realized it was true.

  There was no time for that now. The stairs were across the room. He had to get there. And here he was, trapped between two gangs of goons.

  “He’s got a gun!” Herbie warned.

  No one had, but suddenly everyone did. No one fired, but everyone drew at once. The thugs faced each other down.

  Herbie’s gun was still in his hip holster. He surreptitiously eased it out and let it hang down the side of his leg.

  He squeezed the trigger and fired a shot into the floor.

  And everyone began shooting.

  106

  DAVID STOPPED THE cab two houses down from Cousin Lou’s. He watched as Herbie and the men went up to the front door. As soon as they went inside, he began creeping up on the house. He’d just reached the front lawn when there was a single shot, followed by a hail of gunfire.

  David jerked his cell phone out of his pocket and called 911.

  • • •

  HERBIE DIVED FOR the floor, rolled over, and came up by the stairs. He crawled up them on his hands and knees as gunfire exploded all around him. He reached the top, stood up, and glanced around. Down the hall was a closed door with the key in the lock. He raced to it, twisted the key, and opened the door.

  • • •

  MELANIE WAS QUIVERING in fear as she heard a cacophony of gunfire from downstairs, but she wouldn’t let herself succumb to panic. She had to defend herself, now more than ever.

  In the midst of the shooting, she heard a heavy tread in the hallway approaching her room. She positioned herself in a loose crouch, hands up in fighting position, her whole body coiled and ready for action.

  The key turned in the lock.

  The door opened.

  She reacted with as much speed as she could muster, kicking the man in the balls. He doubled over in agony. She recognized him just in time to stop from decking him with a haymaker.

  “My God, Herbie! What are you doing here? What’s happening?” Melanie said.

  Herbie tried to answer but couldn’t. He held up his hand, gulped for air. He managed to croak out, “We’ve got to get out of here.”

  • • •

  DAVID SNUCK UP on the house, carefully, as shots were still ringing out. There was a window on the side where he could risk a look. He crept up to the house and raised himself on tiptoes.

  The window exploded in a hail of glass as a body hurtled through it and landed in a heap on the lawn. It was a thug. He had a gun in his hand. He struggled to his feet and took off without a backward glance.

  • • •

  MOOKIE RAN DOWN the street full-tilt with his gun in his hand. He was lucky to be alive. He knew his men probably were not. He’d seen Gus go down. And Cousin Lou was right out in the open, too dumb to duck. But Mario Payday, a fucking loan shark, what the hell was a loan shark doing there anyway? And with the goddamned lawyer who was supposed to have given up and taken a dive. Jesus Christ, how did this all go south so quickly? Even if he got out of it, Tommy Taperelli would kill him.

  A police car hurtled down the street, straight at him. Mookie raised the gun. Before he could fire, a second police car roared up. And a third. And a fourth. All stopped with their lights on him.

  Policemen poured out of the cars. And a bullhorn, a fucking bullhorn, blared, “You’re surrounded. Drop the gun.”

  Mookie’s mouth fell open. My God, did cops really say that?

  His gun fell from nerveless fingers.

  Mookie raised his hands to the sky as cops swarmed around him.

  107

  DOWNSTAIRS THE GUNFIRE had stopped. That could have meant anything, but there were no voices.

  Herbie crept down the stairs ahead of Melanie. There were bodies everywhere. He couldn’t tell if they were dead, but they were down. The three hoods from the house, and Carlo, and the driver, and Ollie the Ox. Melanie cringed slightly at the sight.

  “Come on,” Herbie said, helping her along. She passed him on the stairs, stepped over Gus’s foot, and headed for the door.

  Mario Payday came out of the kitchen with a gun in his hand.

  • • •

  STONE AND DINO flew by the cops arresting Mookie, roared down the street, and screeched to a stop in front of Cousin Lou’s house, the approaching sirens of the local cops close in their wake.

  David Ross spotted them, waved his arms, and pointed. “They’re in there.”

  Stone recognized him as they hopped out of the cars. “What the hell?” he said without breaking stride.

  “Who’s that?” Dino yelled.

  “My client,” Stone yelled.

  They raced up the walk.

  • • •

  MARIO PAYDAY’S NORMALLY genial face twisted in rage. Herbie had set him up, tricked him, lured him into a trap, and got his men killed. Worse, he hadn’t paid him! No one did that to Mario Payday.

  Mario raised his gun and fired.

  Herbie stepped in front of Melanie, taking the bullet in his chest. As he fell, he shot Mario Payday twice in the head as Stone and Dino burst in the door.

  108

  DONNIE MISSED THE news on TV. He’d avoided anyplace showing the local news, not wanting to be sitting there when his mug shot came on. He was sure someone would notice the resemblance. So he never saw the news that the police had a new suspect in Yvette’s murder case. He thought he was still on the run from a murder rap.

  Donnie dyed his hair. His beard wasn’t working for him, at least it wasn’t coming in fast enough, so he bought a box of hair dye at Duane Reade. He bought red dye, probably a mistake. Whether it was the consistency of his hair or he just didn’t do it right, it came out blotchy, which was most unfortunate. He looked like the front man for an unsuccessful rock band.

  He also bought a pair of glasses. He was going to get sunglasses, but he figured that would look suspicious. He was at that stage where he was second-guessing everything. Glasses would be a disguise, but sunglasses would be a dead giveaway.

  He found a rack of reading glasses in the drugstore and chose a pair with the largest rims and the weakest prescription. The pair he chose were of dark black plastic, and allowed him to get around without actually walking into walls. They still blurred his vision, which made it har
der to spot imaginary dangers.

  His money was running out, but he kept on the run. He just stumbled on with his red hair and Elton John–sized glasses, the Mr. Magoo of all burglars, a nearsighted circus clown.

  109

  JULES KENWORTH WAS afraid of the call. Tommy Taperelli’s empire had collapsed, and with it any chance of pressuring Councilman Ross on the vote. It was hard to believe. Two days ago they had the man’s daughter, they had the man’s son on trial, they had every ace in the deck, and then this two-bit pip-squeak lawyer beat them with a pair of deuces. Never mind kissing a quarter of a billion down the drain, Kenworth was liable to lose his status, his position in high society. He had seen it happen to others, but never thought it might happen to him. Dinner invitations fall off, phone calls aren’t returned, and suddenly there you were, just another unimportant billionaire, a nameless, faceless statistic lost among the unimportant, unwashed, huddled masses that comprised the majority of the wealthy one percent.

  But that wasn’t the worst of it. Suddenly there was the threat of jail, a very tangible prospect. Taperelli’s men had been caught with the councilman’s daughter, and one of them, the last man standing, was probably spilling his guts, citing chapter and verse and naming names. Did the guy know his name? How could he not? Kenworth’s relationship with Taperelli was no secret. The acquaintance of a mob boss was a real feather in his cap. It had gotten him laid once, when his money hadn’t—go figure—but he understood the allure. It was the Robin Hood appeal. Not that he’d ever given to the poor, but still. The idea of the bad boy. The glory that now was turning around to bite him.

  Taperelli was going down, and Kenworth was in danger of going with him.

  Kenworth dreaded the call.

  The intercom buzzed.

  The cheery voice of his secretary chirruped, “Taperelli on two.”

  Kenworth’s pulse quickened. For a moment he wasn’t sure what to do. Should he buzz his secretary back, tell her to say he wasn’t there? No, he’d taken too long. Taperelli’d know he was. And what difference did it make? If Taperelli had rolled on him, he needed to know.

  He just didn’t want to hear.

  Kenworth clicked the button and picked up the phone. “Hello?”

  “Jules? Tommy. Listen, I just wanted to apologize.”

  “For what?” Kenworth said.

  “What do you mean, for what? For letting it all get away from me.”

  “Ah, well, what you gonna do?”

  “I know, I know.” There was a pause, then, “Listen. You know Mookie’s talking.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah, he’s giving the cops everything, and that’s not good. He knows about our relationship, and he was caught out there with the girl. Well, not with the girl, but running away from the house. He’s admitting to grabbing the councilman’s daughter, and telling Kelly to set up his son, and the whole bit. I don’t know how much of it is going to stick, because there’s no corroborating testimony, everyone else is dead, which, I hate to say it, but it’s like we caught a break. The point is, none of this should come back on you. You never dealt with Mookie, so anything he spills about you is hearsay. And I’m not going to spill the beans. So you can rest easy.

  “Me, not so much. I probably got some courtroom proceedings coming up. I’ll probably be running up some astronomical legal fees, and I might need you to help me out in that department, but the point is you won’t be spending them on yourself.

  “Anyway, that’s the situation. I’ll let you know how it pans out.”

  Kenworth hung up the phone and slumped back in his chair. Relief flooded over him. Taperelli was a brick. He could count on their relationship. Oh, yeah, there was the incidental request for legal fees, with the implied threat of what he might say if they were not forthcoming, but that was nothing compared to what it could have been.

  Kenworth sighed and poured himself a snifter of cognac.

  Yup, he’d dodged a bullet.

  • • •

  TOMMY TAPERELLI HUNG UP the phone. “How was that?”

  The police detective took off his headset. “Not bad for a first pass. I don’t think he suspected a thing.” He pointed over at the technician manning the recorder. “Good for sound?”

  The technician nodded, gave him an A-OK sign.

  “Wait a minute. First pass?” Tommy said.

  “Sure. Next time it will be easy. You can listen to this back, see where you can improve.”

  “You didn’t say anything about a next time.”

  The detective glanced over at the assistant district attorney, who had been sitting back and observing the proceedings. The ADA placed his set of headphones on the table and smiled patronizingly. “Mr. Taperelli, do you want this deal or not? It’s not how much you cooperate, or how many phone calls you have to make, or who those phone calls are to. The question is, do you want to play ball? If you do, it’s our game. It’s our game because we already have one gangster spilling his guts. Kidnapping and extortion are a slam-dunk, and murder’s on the table, and the only reason you have any wiggle room at all is that Jules Kenworth is a bigger fish. Only if you don’t hook the bigger fish, suddenly you’re the bigger fish, and all bets are off. Your lawyer understands that, Mr. Taperelli, and if you don’t understand that you should have a talk with him because, trust me, you are going to be making as many phone calls as we like.”

  110

  HERBIE GROANED and opened his eyes.

  “Ah, look who decided to join the party,” Stone said.

  Herbie blinked. He was in a hospital bed. He had no idea how he got there. “What happened?”

  “You shot it out with the mob,” Dino said. “They’re all dead, except one guy we picked up running away.”

  “Mario Payday’s?”

  “Taperelli’s.”

  “Right. Mario’s men are down.”

  “So is he. Took two shots in the head. Does that ring any bells?”

  “Melanie?”

  “She’s fine,” Stone said. “She doesn’t have a bullet in her. She’s the only one who didn’t.”

  “Why’d you go cowboy on us?” Dino said.

  “Give me a break. They’d have killed her had I gotten the police involved. With a dirty cop in Taperelli’s pocket, who can you trust?”

  “Me,” Dino said. “You don’t think I can be discreet?”

  “You’d have stopped me.”

  “You’re damn right I would. You know how long you were on the operating table? That bullet lodged pretty close to your heart.”

  “It was her only chance.”

  “Getting yourself shot?”

  “Bringing in Mario Payday. That made it a mob thing, not a cop thing. It confused the situation enough that they didn’t have a chance to kill the girl.”

  “See, Dino,” Stone said, “I told you. He didn’t think you could do it.”

  “He’s loopy on pain pills. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.”

  Melanie burst into the room. “They told me you woke up!” She started to throw herself into his arms, and stopped. “They said not to agitate you.”

  Stone and Dino exchanged glances.

  “Are you okay?” Herbie asked.

  “Am I okay? You’re the one who got shot.”

  Herbie smiled gamely. “Hadn’t noticed.”

  David Ross and his father pushed in next.

  “They said you woke up,” David said. “How do you feel?”

  “Like I missed a court date,” Herbie said. “Did we get a continuance?”

  Councilman Ross smiled. “You’ve been out longer than you think. Detective Kelly’s under investigation. All charges against David have been dropped.”

  “Really?” Herbie said.

  “The goon we picked up fleeing was Taperelli’s man at the courthouse,” Dino said. “He knew the whole setup. He’s giving us anything he can think of.”

  “How come?”

  “You don’t rat on Taperelli and live. The guy’s onl
y hope is Taperelli takes a long fall. He’ll do anything he can to make that happen.”

  There was too much going on for Herbie, and too many people in the room. He needed some of them to leave. No one seemed about to, so he tuned them out in his head.

  “So, Melanie …” he began.

  A young man pushed his way into the room. He was well-dressed, handsome, and amiable. “I finally parked the car.” He saw Herbie and said, “There he is. The man of the hour, Melanie’s savior, and our hero.” He walked over to the bed, put his arm around Melanie, and held her close. “We can’t thank you enough.”

  “Herbie,” Melanie said, “this is Arthur, my fiancé. He flew in from the coast when he heard.”

  Herbie forced a smile. “You’re a lucky man.”

  “Lucky you were there. I can’t imagine what might have happened.”

  “I could, every day,” Melanie said. “But it’s over now.”

  “Let’s leave Herbie to get some rest,” the councilman said. He herded the others out of the room, leaving only Stone and Dino.

  Stone watched them go. “Tough break,” he said.

  “What do you mean?” Herbie said.

  “You know what I mean. Nice girl.”

  The phone rang.

  Dino scooped it up. “Hello? … Oh, hi.” He covered the phone. “Bill Eggers.”

  Herbie winced. “I’m too groggy to talk. Take a message.”

  Dino relayed the information. It didn’t go over well. He got an earful. Eventually he hung up the phone.

  “What’s that all about?” Herbie said.

  “As long as you’re going to live, he wants you back at work. Something about a corporate merger.”

  Herbie groaned. He shook his head and chuckled. “Want to stop his heart? Call him back and tell him now that I’ve had a taste of it, I prefer trial work.”

  Stone nodded approvingly. “You’re a cruel man. I like that.”

  Herbie grinned. “Wait! I’ve got a better idea.”

  “Oh?”

  “Fair is fair.” Herbie cocked his head. “Tell him to give it to James Glick.”

  111

  JAMES GLICK LOOKED longingly across the border.

  On the other side was Mexico, the land of life, liberty, and the happiness of no pursuit. He figured they wouldn’t come after him there. It was an irrational notion, born of fear, but one to which he clung desperately.