Never Again, No More

by Untamed

  His care and concern for me were noble, but his nobleness would get him bodied. I couldn’t have fatherless kids, nor could I handle it if something happened to him. I touched the side of his face with care. “I know you care about me, Dreads, but let it go. Please. I don’t want nothing ugly to happen. I’ll be fine.”

  Terrence threw up his hands. “A’ight, li’l mama.”

  After he hugged the kids and said his good-byes to them, he whispered in my ear, “You know that I love you, Trinity, and I only want what’s best for you. Pooch ain’t what’s best. He never has been and never will be. Men pay for hookers, but they love their woman. Don’t let money turn you from the latter to the first. You’re a woman, Trinity, and a damn good one.”

  Nodding, I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Good night, Terrence.”

  With that, the kids and I walked out of the apartment, down the corridor, and to my awaiting car, where Pooch sat brooding and staring out the window.

  “What that nigga say to you?” Pooch asked when we got in the car.

  “I just told him not to say nothing and not to fuck with you,” I answered, telling the partial truth. “So he was playing with the kids and telling them good-bye.”

  “Damn straight,” Pooch said, feeling like he’d won. “That’s what’s up. Let him know, baby.”

  “You know I got your back, Pooch,” I lied, hoping this was the end of it.

  He gripped my thigh. “I know. I just have to make sure that any nigga knows that you are Pooch’s woman, because I already know you damn sure remember that. Ain’t that right?”

  I nodded in agreement. “Yes, baby.”

  He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Good. Now he can feel me on that shit,” he said, leaning back in the passenger seat, as I turned up the radio. “Feenin’,” by Jodeci, was on the smooth sounds station, and Pooch began to laugh. “When we get home, you put all the kids to bed, because I want to eat five stars tonight. Matter of fact, I’m upgrading that shit to six stars, ’cause we hitting the pole.”

  “All right, Pooch.”

  I was ready to get my freak on with Pooch, but for all the wrong reasons. The way Terrence showed concern for me and defended me had aroused me in a way I hadn’t been aroused in a long time. I was definitely going to be thinking about Terrence’s ass tonight, especially since it was the only way I’d ever get to be with him again. I loved Pooch, but I missed Terrence. I missed him a lot.

  Charice

  Giving up Ryan was the toughest thing for me to do. Surprisingly, as promised, he’d arrived at my mother’s house at noon that next day to pick up the kids. My mom had agreed to pick them up from me and take them back to her house and then to drop them back off after the visit just to prevent any “Ryan sightings.” I was truly grateful for that. He had kept the kids for about six hours that day. After taking them over his parents’ house for a barbecue, he’d taken them to the park and to the toy store. By the time they’d got home, they were loaded with toys and clothes that Ryan and his mother had given them.

  I should say grandmother, as funny as it sounds. Once Ryan had decided he wanted to play Daddy, she had suddenly wanted to jump in as a full-fledged grandma. For a full month, she’d been calling three times a week just to check on the kids, and she’d even kept them all day one Saturday a couple of weeks ago.

  An even bigger surprise was Ryan had been calling to check on the kids at least twice a week, each time making sure he spoke with all three of them. He’d even tried to converse with me on more than one occasion about giving our relationship another try. I should’ve been happy that everything I’d always wanted was coming to fruition, and for the kids, I was. However, this last incident with Ryan had done something to me. Although I loved him, I couldn’t let myself be with him. Believe me, as much as I loved him, being with him would be the easiest thing to do, but every time I felt myself giving in, a voice in the back of my head kept saying, He only has love for you, Charice. He doesn’t actually love you. Then, without hesitation, I’d hold my ground. I was finally facing the fact that Ryan did not love me anymore. Deep down I’d always thought that he did but that he wasn’t mature enough to handle it. Now that I felt he didn’t, it was easier not to dream about being with him, you know? So here I was, with everything I had thought I wanted at my fingertips, and I refused to grasp it. My, how the tide had turned.

  It’d been a long day at work today, and I was thankful that the kids were spending the night at my mom’s house. There was nothing like a little downtime for myself. I planned on spending my time wisely too. I stopped by my mom’s house to kiss my babies and then went to Boston Market to grab some food. While I sat in the restaurant and ate, I decided I was going straight home to soak in my whirlpool tub, with my Twilight Woods bubble bath, while I listened to soft music. Afterward, I was going to cuddle up with a book entitled Something on the Side, by one of my favorite authors, Mr. Carl Weber. One of my coworkers had told me that he had put his toenail in this one, and I was anxious to get to it. The three women at work who had read it before me kept telling me to get to the part about Coco getting revenge on the skinny chick from the gym. I didn’t know what she did, but I wasn’t going to stop reading until I got to that part or passed out from exhaustion for trying.

  Once home, I grabbed my mail and headed into the house. I prepped my whirlpool bath and got into the tub. Soft music serenaded me as the warm water soothed me. As I rested my head against the back of the tub, I let out a deep sigh.

  “This is the life,” I said aloud to myself. “Oh, shoot! Let me open my mail.”

  I dried my hands and grabbed the stack that I’d placed on the side of the bathtub. The first two pieces of mail were my water and light bills. I hurriedly put them to the side so that they wouldn’t spoil my high. The next piece was a Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog.

  “Ha!” I laughed. “And just who the hell am I supposed to buy this stuff for? I have no one to enjoy it with besides the Lord, and I’m positive he ain’t looking for that.” I giggled to myself as I put down the catalog.

  The last item was an envelope addressed to me. It was handwritten, with only a P.O. box as the return address.

  “Who the hell is this from?” I asked aloud as I opened the envelope.

  Low and behold, there was a letter inside from Ryan and a check for seven thousand dollars. This mofo had actually kept his promise and had sent the child support, with an extra grand. I nearly pooped in the tub. Hell, I’d expected the check from him for ten grand to have a stop payment, but it had gone through, so I had used some of that money to pay off my credit card bill and the kids’ day care bill for two months and had put the rest in their savings account. Even still, I had never figured I’d get more from Ryan. I had just thought he was doing that at the time out of guilt. He must be really serious about taking care of the kids, I thought to myself as I opened the letter. It read:

  Dear Ricey,

  I know I lost my privilege to call you that, but to me, you’ll always be just that, my Ricey. By now, I was hoping that you’d be calm enough to talk directly to me, but I see every time I call, you cut me off at the pass. I can’t say I blame you, though. I hurt you for so long and so many times that I know you don’t know what to trust from me at this point. Hell, I barely trust myself to get it right after so many years of getting it wrong.

  I will admit that I loved Iris. I really did, and I hope that doesn’t hurt you. I’m not telling you to hurt you. I’m telling you that because I want you to know that I was served with a dose of my own medicine. I know how it feels to give your whole heart to someone and have them rip it from you like it wasn’t shit. That’s what Iris did to me, and that’s what I did to you. For that, I am truly sorry and I wholeheartedly apologize.

  The incident with her forced me to look at my life. You know, really evaluate it. When I came home a month ago, I came to get my ego stroked and to prove that I still had it. To prove that there was a woman in this world who still wante
d and loved me. The problem was that I was trying to prove that to Iris instead of realizing it for myself.

  When we made love—and I do mean made love—that night, about five minutes into that, I knew it was far beyond sex. There was a moment when you were on top of me and you looked me in my eyes and you said to me, “Ryan, you have my heart forever.” That changed me. Here I was, heartbroken over a woman who could care less about me and on a mission to prove some shit that she could care less about. When you said that, and I looked into your eyes, it was as if for the first time, I saw your soul. You were so pure and real. You were a diamond in the rough.

  Our entire relationship flashed before my eyes, and I remembered the way you looked at me the first time we met in high school. I remembered that sexy yet devilish smile you gave me when you first sat at the football table. I remembered how you came to every game and cheered for me. I remembered how you’d talk to me, encourage me, support me, and how you loved me. I remembered how you made love to me. You did anything I wanted and gave me everything I needed, and when you needed me most, I abandoned you. Except for this time, I also abandoned my children.

  So many people preached to me about it. As you know, I lied to everyone I knew about having children. Only one person saw through that, and that was my boy Lincoln. He’s, like, one of your favorite ballplayers. He’s like my big brother, and he says he could tell by the way I kept my family life a secret and how I avoided the topic of marriage and children as if it was the plague. He says he was in my predicament, and he denied his seed as well, but he regrets every moment of it. His words of wisdom have been healing me and hurting me at the same time. I want to learn to fix my mess before it’s too late.

  You may not believe this, but my mom and dad preached to me all the time about turning my back on the kids. I know they seemed to have supported me in front of you and your family, but trust me, it was only a front. I am their child, so they would never betray me to someone else, but my mom has been angry at me for years for abandoning them. She stayed away because she was scared to get attached to them out of fear that you would snatch them away from her because of me. So she did the minimum she could not to piss you off and still keep tabs on her grandchildren. So I beg of you to please let my mom be involved in their lives. She would be so happy to finally be able to be a real grandmother to them.

  As for me, I’m learning about myself every day. I look at my teammates, with their spouses and kids, and I get a pain in my chest, because for the first time, I realize that could have been me if I hadn’t been so damn stupid. Don’t get me wrong, Charice. I loved you back then. I did. It’s just that I was young, and for my entire life, all I could ever see was the NFL and then a family further down the road. I never intended to get the family first, so I didn’t know how to handle it. I’m not making excuses, because I realize that you didn’t know how to handle it, either. It’s just that for the first time, I finally get it. And now that I got it, I can’t have it. And that shit tears me up a little more every day.

  I know I can build a relationship with my children, and I fully intend to, but what I want also is the woman who was meant to be my wife, and that is you. I told you at your house that I wanted to fall in love with you again. But, Charice, I already have. Now that I have quit lying to myself, I realize that I always have been in love with you. I just forced myself to look in another direction after the last time I got you pregnant, because I was afraid. No one has ever compared to you, and no one ever will. I understand that your heart won’t allow me inside, and I can’t help but face the fact that it’s my own fault. So like a man, for the first time, I accept that. But if you ever change your mind, I’m here and ready to love you forever.

  I hope you read this letter and see that everything I’ve said is true to form. Maybe you will, and perhaps you won’t, but I had to let you know exactly how I felt about you and about the new me. Having said that, I’m keeping my promise. I’ve included my monthly child-support payment and an extra grip just for you. Before you reject it, I included it because I want you to bring the kids to Dallas to see me play. I have a home game in two weeks, and I wanted you to get some nice things for yourself. If you agree to come down, give me a call and I will get the tickets together. You are welcome to stay at my house, and if not, I will pay for the hotel expenses. However, I do ask that the kids stay with me. Please. It would mean the world to me. Hopefully, while you’re here, we can come to a visitation agreement.

  Again, I apologize for everything I’ve ever done to you, not done for you and the kids, and most importantly, I apologize for not realizing that I could search the world over and still end up at you.

  I pray this letter finds you in good spirits, and may you find the peace that surpasses all understanding.

  Love you always and forever,

  Ryan

  By the time I finished that letter, I had cried more tears than there was water in the tub. He had actually hand-writtten the letter himself. I knew his writing just like I knew everything else about him. Talk about shocked. My heart was running through a gamut of emotions. While I believed him and, for the most part, loved him in return, I wasn’t ready to go down that road with him and didn’t know if I ever would again. Regardless of what we had gone through, we had children. Therefore, I was going to agree to this trip to get away for a while and enjoy spending the hell out of this grip he’d sent. The kids deserved it, and I loved football. Besides the Falcons, Dallas was my favorite team, and no, it was not because he was on it. I was a Cowgirl who watched all the famous Cowboys play, including Ryan and his friend Mr. Lincoln Harper, long before I was a Dirty Bird. Believe that.

  As I leaned back in the hot water and bubbles, I picked up my cell phone and dialed Ryan’s number. He answered on the second ring.

  “Hey, Charice,” he answered, excitedly.

  I laughed. “Hello, Ryan. I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I?”

  “No. I was just sitting here watching ESPN,” he replied.

  “All work all the time, huh?”

  “Most times.” He laughed.

  “I feel you on that note.”

  “I take it you’re calling me about the letter.”

  “That’s correct,” I answered.

  “Before you reject my offer about the trip, just hear me out—”

  “I wasn’t going to reject it. I was going to accept it,” I interrupted him.

  He gasped. “You were?”

  “Yes, I was . . . am. And you don’t have to worry about the hotel stay. The kids and I will stay at your home that weekend.”

  He yelled out in excitement. “Ricey, I know that I’ve done some messed up things to you in the past—”

  “Ryan, I’m not getting back with you,” I said sadly, interrupting him.

  “Huh?” he asked, confused. “But I thought you said that you were staying—”

  “Staying, yes. I want to grant your wish about the kids staying at your house, but I’m not letting them stay in a strange house overnight by themselves. I will be there, but it will be for the kids.”

  He let out an exasperated sigh. “That’s fair enough. I will get the tickets together, as promised. Would you prefer me to schedule a morning or afternoon flight?”

  “What day are you scheduling the flight?”

  “On that Friday. I wanted to spend time together, if you don’t mind.”

  “Then make it for in the morning. I’ll keep the kids out of school that day, and we can get on the plane early, so you all can spend time together.”

  “You sure it’s okay for them to miss school? I don’t want to interfere with their schedule,” he said.

  “It’s no problem. It’s only one day.”

  “Okay,” he replied. “I’ll call you later in the week with the details.”

  “Okay.”

  “So where are the kids? I don’t hear them.”

  “At my mom’s, spending the night.”

  “Oh okay. Well, good. You get a little
break.”

  “Yep.”

  “So what are you doing? It sounds noisy.”

  I laughed. “I’m in my whirlpool tub.”

  He coughed, nearly choking on something. “Oh, okay. Real talk?”

  “Yeah, real talk.”

  He paused for a moment. “I wish I was a bubble in the tub,” he mumbled.

  I laughed. “Well, you could’ve been.”

  “I know, Ricey, I know. Will I ever be again?”

  “As far as I know now, the answer is no,” I said sternly.

  He cleared his throat. “Well, I’d love to chat, but honestly, I can’t sit here in good faith and have a discussion, knowing you are naked in the tub on the other end.”

  I giggled. “All right, then. Just call me with the details.”

  “All right. Good night, Ricey. Enjoy your bubble bath,” he said seductively, as if he was picturing me in the tub.

  “Oh, I will. I have my glass of wine, my soft music, my scented candles, and the water is good and wet . . . I mean hot. Good night, Ryan,” I said, fucking with him. I laughed because before I hung up, I could hear him cursing himself for being stupid.

  My, oh, my! How the tide is turning! I thought to myself.

  Charice

  The kids were completely stoked about going to spend the weekend with their daddy. I hated to admit it, but I was a little excited as well. Not because I wanted to see Ryan but, damn it, this would be my first vacation since the triplets were born. I’d been working, going to school, and tending to children for so long, and I had never taken a break. Although the kids were coming with me, this was “Daddy time” for Ryan, so I was going to soak up as much alone time as I could. We’d have time to do family things together, but best believe that Daddy was going to get his fair share of alone time with the kids.