Shadows of Our Past

by Tanya Jean Russell

  Jackson bumped her shoulder with his.

  “Trust me, I really didn’t want to stop things, but when we get naked it will be when I’m sure you mean it.

  When, not if. She didn’t know how to respond to that so she kept her mouth shut and took another sip of the coffee as he turned toward her.

  “It’s Sunday,” Jackson murmured softly into her hair.

  “Yes,” she said slowly. He must be exhausted if he needed to remind himself which day it was, she thought, pleased that at least she wasn’t the only one suffering.

  “You don’t work on a Sunday?”

  “No...” Amory said slowly, wondering what he was getting at.

  He shifted again and looked her in the eye.

  “Spend the day with me?” he asked.

  His hesitant expression was at odds with the casual confidence of his voice. She realized that, while he really wanted her to say yes, he genuinely didn’t know how she would respond. She studied him, her mind a spiraling mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions.

  “Okay.”

  Whatever this thing between them was it couldn’t go anywhere, but she was done denying the attraction they felt. It pulled at her like Jackson was the sun and she was a tiny planet destined to orbit around him. Fighting that was exhausting and impossible. Holly was right—she should go with it and worry about tomorrow when it came.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Amory appeared at the kitchen door just as Jackson was cutting bacon sandwiches into halves.

  “That smells fantastic,” she said.

  “It’s not the usual standard, but Maggie doesn’t do weekends unless it’s for something special,” he said with a shrug. He stacked the sandwiches onto a plate and placed it in the middle of the kitchen table. Sitting down he motioned for her to join him and smiled as a rumbling sound reached him.

  “Hungry?” he asked with a smile.

  “Starving,” she said. She grabbed two of the sandwiches and put one on her plate as she sank her teeth into the thick bread Maggie had made the day before.

  “Mmm, that’s amazing,” she said, the words mumbled as she spoke through a mouthful.

  He watched her for a moment before grabbing a couple for himself.

  “Why don’t we explore the estate today?” Amory suggested, gesturing to the sun that was streaming through the windows.

  “You’ve seen the estate,” he replied with a frown. Was she going to turn out to be one of the many women with their eyes on the estate as if it was some sort of prize? He hadn’t thought she was like that but had to admit that ten years could have changed her.

  “I haven’t seen your estate,” she said. “All those little places that matter to you. Like where you played growing up, your secret hidey-holes.”

  He smiled—he should have known better. She wasn’t interested in the house or its antiques, she was interested in him. Smiling at her, his heart swelling, he wanted to share everything with this incredible woman.

  As they both polished off their second round of sandwiches he took a deep breath. He had to face the elephant in the room but wasn’t sure how to even start. Rubbing his palms on his thighs, he waited for her to look up.

  “I know we have a history.”

  At his words she froze, and her expression closed up. All sign of emotion was gone, shuttered behind a mask that he wished he could remove. Things were going well, why the hell did he think it was a good idea to remind her of the past? Because, if they didn’t face it, it would hang over them like a wrecking ball waiting to swing in and destroy anything they managed to build. That didn’t mean they had to rehash every last detail though. It just meant they had to acknowledge it.

  “Can we just put it behind us? I know we’ll have to deal with it eventually, but I’d like to get to know each other now. No talking about the past. No worrying about how we got to where we are today. If you’ll agree, I’d like us to just enjoy the present.”

  He kept his eyes on her, not daring to blink as he searched for any hint of what she was thinking, what she was feeling. He silently prayed that he hadn’t screwed everything up with his request while he waited for her to answer. Finally, just when he was beginning to despair of ever getting an answer she nodded her agreement.

  The day was cold and clear, and although a storm was forecast for later, they could enjoy the best kind of winter’s day in the meantime as they walked through the woods on the estate.

  The hours passed comfortably as Amory asked him about the work he and Ed did maintaining the estate. She seemed genuinely interested in what he was doing and had been really excited about his work with young offenders. It was a stark contrast from the total disinterest and resentment Crystal had shown, and he found himself opening up about his hopes for expansion.

  “What about this photo shoot thing?” he asked, turning the conversation to Amory.

  He laughed as she explained how she and Alice had met and cooked up the idea together.

  “Tomorrow’s shoot will be a bit of a trial. It’s not going to be a money-maker because in exchange for the estate having the right to use the photos, Alice and her friends are only covering the cost for the photographer, costume hire, and lunch.”

  She glanced up at him, as if worried how he would react.

  “So William will have photos for marketing and stuff?” he asked.

  “Exactly. Hopefully, they will be good enough for a website and brochure so he can attract some real paying customers going forward.”

  “It sounds great,” he said, genuinely impressed.

  “I hope it pays off,” she said. “The estate needs a new source of income if it’s going to thrive.”

  “That’s true,” Jackson commented and taking the opportunity to probe asked casually, “What do you know about the estate’s finances?”

  “Not a lot,” she said with a shrug, “But I know William has money problems, and without a steady, year-round income, it’s hard to understand how that can improve. The great thing about this is that if the idea takes off, it can be done as formal shoots inside and picnics and stuff on the grounds so it could bring cash in all year.”

  At her words he relaxed. Her easy response and clear concern about the welfare of the estate made it obvious she couldn’t be part of whatever was wrong with the accounts.

  “I bet it’ll take off. If anyone can do it, you can.”

  She jerked her head, and looked up, assessing him for a moment before answering.

  “If I do this right it’ll be set up so that anyone can run it. There are so many people who rely on the estate for their living. Not just people like Maggie and Ed, but the people in the village whose businesses rely on the passing trade from visiting tourists. All of those people deserve a sustainable estate.”

  “You really care about the estate?”

  “I really care about the people,” she said, correcting him with a grin. “Even William, I know he’s your brother, but he can be a real pain in the butt. Somehow, despite that, I can’t help but respect him. He wants to do right by the people that depend on him. He doesn’t always get it right, but he takes his responsibilities very seriously.”

  He laughed. If he’d still been worried she had some sort of personal relationship with his brother, her words would have seriously grated. Now he was just glad she was able to see the good in William.

  “He’s definitely a character but he’s had years of having that responsibility and obligation drummed into him. He’s never really figured out how to lead without being a dictator.” He paused. “Unfortunately, when your role models are a series of successive dukes you never get a chance to pick up on the fact that management styles have moved on.”

  He gazed thoughtfully ahead, for once not really seeing the tangled roots they were stepping over as they made their way through the forest.

  “It took me a long time to recognize that. To understand how it’s made him so stiff, but he’s my brother, and for better or worse we love each other.”r />
  Beginning to feel uncomfortable at how personal the discussion had become, he rolled his neck.

  “Just how far are we going to walk?” Amory asked in a jokey whine before his thoughts could drag him further inward.

  Grateful that rather than pressing him she had changed the subject, he leapt on her question.

  “What’s up? Your little legs not up to it?” he teased, letting his eyes roam up legs that were anything but little.

  “Not really,” she said. “You’ll have to carry me.” She proceeded to leap up for a piggyback.

  “Mercy,” Jackson panted a few minutes later. “You are deceptively heavy.”

  “Excuse me! Are you suggesting I’m fat?” She laughed, dropping from his back.

  “What if I am?”

  “You’d have to be punished.”

  A shot of lust jolted through Jackson. “Well, if you insist.”

  She prodded her pointed index finger into the hollow at the base of his throat and ran it down his chest excruciatingly slowly. As he reached for her hand she whipped it back and ran off laughing,

  “Oh no, you’ll have to wait, I’ll pay you back when you least expect it,” she called over her shoulder.

  Chasing after her, he caught up easily. She was surprisingly fast, but he knew the ground better and made much quicker progress over it. Pulling her to him, he looked at her seriously.

  “For you, I’d wait as long as it took,” he said before lowering his head to kiss her.

  ****

  Jackson’s gentle kiss surprised Amory. As he eased his hand to the small of her back she melted into his arms, submitting to the moment completely, the softness so different to the desperate, needy, kisses they had shared before. Gentle it may have been, but her breathing was still ragged as he pulled his head away. He stopped her from pulling him back to him and she frowned, making him laugh. The deep rumbling sound of his happiness seemed to vibrate through her.

  “No more of that,” he said, “or we’ll never make it.”

  Her disappointment was tempered by the breathtaking sight of him laughing. His strong features softened as though rays of sunshine had breached the trees overhead. She couldn’t imagine a sight more spectacular than this man laughing.

  “Where are we going?” she asked, stomping her foot in mock temper.

  “You’ll see,” he said, that huge smile still on his face.

  A short while later the woods were thinning, and he led her out from them completely. In front of them descended a steep hill which revealed a spectacular view of the rolling hills ahead.

  “Wow!” she gasped, unable to say anything more.

  “See that low stone wall ahead?”

  She nodded her reply and he continued.

  “That’s the estate boundary. When I was growing up I loved hiking out to here.” He paused reflectively. “I still do.”

  Smiling up at him, she squeezed his hand in hers. “It’s your thinking spot.”

  He smiled back at her.

  “I suppose it is. It’s where I always used to come when I needed to escape. No one else comes out here so it felt like my little bit of space.”

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “What for?”

  “For bringing me here. For sharing this with me.”

  “I’ve never brought anyone here.”

  Her heart swelled with joy. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope for them. Maybe he’d understand.

  ****

  Having stripped off their sweatshirts, warm from their exertions, they sat quietly in front of the stone wall absorbing the view. The sun had vanished and the darkening sky stopped them from being able to see as far into the distance as they might otherwise be able to, but it created a dramatic skyline that was stunning in its own way. She leaned against him as they enjoyed the companionable silence of just being together.

  Running her thumb over the tattoo on the inside of Jackson’s forearm, she enjoyed the play of his muscles as she traced the dark lines. She’d spotted the tattoo the first day he’d stood in front of her desk outside William’s office, but had just realized that the pattern of barbed wire had the word integrity spiraling through it. While it was better quality than many of the ones she’d seen over the years, it was still obviously a prison tattoo. Rougher around the edges, more ragged than a professional one would be.

  “Why integrity?” she asked quietly.

  He leant slightly to the side so he could look directly at her. His eyes clouded over and he paused for what seemed an eternity before answering.

  “It’s to remind me of the cost of not being true to who I am. To remind me every day how hard I have to work to be trustworthy.”

  Her stomach rolled as a wash of guilt and sadness settled in her. The answer was far worse than she could have imagined. When he’d said he didn’t want to talk about the past she’d jumped on the opportunity to enjoy the time they had together, but she knew it wasn’t a fair decision. He’d let her off lightly. It wasn’t logical, but somehow outright lying to him seemed so much worse than not telling him everything. Yet, she honestly didn’t know whether she would have told him the truth if he’d asked her about their past or her time since they parted.

  Some small part of her hoped that the more they got to know each other, the less important the past would be. Or the less appealing they’d be to each other. She knew nothing would take away the hurt she’d cause when he found out the truth about her. She should be brave enough to tell him now instead of getting in deeper, but it wasn’t just about what she wanted. If he knew the truth, would he be able to do what it took for her to complete her job? She wasn’t sure, and she couldn’t take the risk that this mission wouldn’t go to plan. How many more innocent women would be hurt in ways beyond imagining if she didn’t keep it together? No matter what, the mission was more important than any feelings she might have. Much as it pained her to think it, it was also more important than anything Jackson might feel.

  “Hey,” he said, obviously noting her fall in mood. “We agreed, no discussing the past.”

  “How can we ignore it?” she asked, the words spilling out before she could stop them. How could she continue to be with him when it was a lie? Pretending to be someone else, to be something else, was a huge part of her life but she’d never struggled with it so much. “The shadows of our past will always hang over us.”

  The shadows in his eyes were going to turn into a full-blown storm all their own once he knew the truth, and only she had seen the forecast.

  “Look at me,” he said softly. Reluctantly she raised her eyes to his. He smiled gently, his expression earnest.

  “Because here and now is more important than then.”

  It was a cop-out but with so much at stake she couldn’t willingly blow her cover. Instead she took the escape he offered and hoped that what he was saying was true, but she doubted his logic would hold once he knew everything. He lowered his head, pressing his lips to hers. As the kiss deepened she tried to show him just how much she cared for him, just how special he was to her, and how much she needed him.

  ****

  Running the last few steps to the house Amory kept her head down, all focus on getting out of the torrential rain that had started just moments before. Pushing through the door to the large utility room at the back of the house, she kicked off her boots and squeezed water from her hair with a shiver. Looking up she watched as Jackson shook his head, as if hoping to shake away the worst of the water. The sight of him, standing with water dripping from the darkened tendrils of hair that curled at the ends framing his chiseled features, made her heart pound from more than the mad dash to escape the torrential downpour. His skin glistened with the moisture as he pulled his sweatshirt and t-shirt over his head in one movement and cast them aside. Her jaw dropped at the sight of his naked torso, the water adding definition to his thick muscles and highlighting the way his six-pack rippled with his actions. She’d seen him shirtless when she’d been with Alice but ha
d fought not to stare. Now she let herself take it all in. He was magnificent.

  When her gaze made it up to his face she was greeted by a sexy half-smile curving one corner of his mouth. Seeing his eyes darken and smolder down at her hungrily, she gulped, her mouth dry.

  “Like what you see?” he asked with all the confidence of someone who knew exactly how good he looked.

  “You’re okay, I guess,” she said with a shrug. No point adding to his already healthy ego.

  He growled in response and stalked toward her. Taking a step back, hands raised in mock surrender, she laughed.

  “Alright. I’m sorry. Totally impressed over here.”

  “You don’t get off that easy,” he said, closing the last of the distance between them. Resting his hands on her hips he lowered his head to hers. She held her breath in anticipation. Just as his lips were about to touch hers he stopped, watching her intently. She held still for a beat, wondering what he was doing, before deciding she’d done enough waiting. She was taking control. Lifting her arms, she wrapped them around his neck and tilted her head, letting out a small sigh of satisfaction as his lips parted for hers.

  Despite the cool of the rain his damp skin was hot to the touch, and she ran her hands up and down his back, exploring the firm muscles that flexed as he shifted to pull her hips against his. The feel of his erection pressing against her sent heat pooling low in her belly and she dug her nails into his lower back, pulling him even closer. With a low chuckle he pulled back.

  “Still think I’m just okay?” he said with a teasing smile, hands resting on her hips as he held her in place against him.

  “Shut up, Jackson,” she said and dragged him back.

  This time he didn’t need any further encouragement. Slipping his hands lower he lifted her, wrapping her legs around his hips. She rocked against him and sucked his bottom lip as he started moving. The hard edge of something hit her backside and somewhere in the corner of her mind she realized he’d positioned her on the edge of the washing machine. He pulled at the edges of her own sweatshirt, lifting the heavy wet fabric and pulling back briefly as he lifted it up over her head. For a split second she wished she’d put some sexy underwear on, actually she wished she owned some, but as he took in the sight of her practical sports bra his pupils dilated and all thought disappeared. His hands left her thighs, coming to rest gently on her ribs, brushing against the small curve of the underside of her breasts. The heat of his palms seeped through the coolness of wet fabric. She wanted more and reaching for the fabric she eased it up, dragging it awkwardly over her head as her hair tangled in the roll of material. Finally free, she dropped the bra on the machine next to her and watched Jackson. With one hand splayed across her ribs he stroked his other thumb over her nipples, first one and then the other. The rough texture on her sensitive skin made her gasp and he looked up at her with a smile full of promise before lowering his head.