Shadows of Our Past

by Tanya Jean Russell

  “The operation went as well as we could hope. We removed the bullet and Lord Halland is in stable condition.”

  She exhaled a breath she hadn’t been aware of holding. Thank God.

  “Can I see him?”

  “Yes, but he’s not conscious. The next few hours are critical. With the level of blood loss Lord Halland suffered, we can’t be certain there’s no lasting damage until he wakes up. At the very least he’s going to have some restricted movement, beyond that we just can’t say.”

  “But he’s going to be okay?”

  “The signs are good. He’s reasonably young and is fit and healthy. That all helps. The signs are positive, however, with this level of blood loss, we need to be aware that there could be brain damage.”

  She placed her hands on the small of her back and took a few deep breaths. Things might still be uncertain but they could have been a damned sight worse.

  “Please remember that nothing is certain until he wakes up,” he cautioned.

  She nodded her understanding and he led her to a private room where she would be able to wait with Jackson until he regained consciousness.

  Despite the myriad machines surrounding him, her relief at seeing Jackson was undiminished. The steady muted beep of the heart monitor gave a rhythmic background to the hum of equipment. His usually healthy complexion was pale and clammy, and in place of his normally strong masculine presence was a sense of fragility, but he was alive.

  With the arrival of her relief, the last of the adrenaline which had been coursing through her veins for the last few hours promptly departed and exhaustion poured through her. Pulling a chair over so she would be next to him, she lifted his hand and held it gently. Rubbing her face with her free hand, she fought the sleep that was threatening. She wasn’t closing her eyes until Jackson opened his. Despite her hope, she didn’t know if he’d let her stay once he woke up and she was determined not to waste a second of what could be the last time she’d get with him. If he wanted her to leave she would go, but she had to know he was okay first. She had to see it with her own eyes.

  ****

  Startled, Amory woke to find herself hunched over in the chair. Still holding Jackson’s hand, her head had been resting on the bed next to his chest.

  “Sorry, Amory, but we have to debrief,” Holly said.

  Amory’s gaze swung from her friend back to Jackson.

  “Is he...” she began, not really sure where to start with the worry spinning around her head.

  “No change,” Holly said.

  She sighed. Protocol meant debriefing had to start as soon as practically possible after an operation ended, but her heart sank at the thought of leaving Jackson. Glancing at the clock on the wall she realized it was past dawn. Holly must have pulled in every favor she was owed to buy this much time, but it wasn’t enough.

  “Can we do it here?”

  Holly smiled and pulled a tape recorder from her shoulder bag.

  “You truly are an angel,” Amory said, overwhelmed with gratitude at having such an amazing best friend. “I don’t know how I’d get through this without you.”

  Holly raised her eyebrow. “You’re the strongest person I know, you’d be fine.”

  “I’m glad I don’t have to be.”

  Keeping her hold on Jackson’s hand, Amory listened as Holly filled her in on everything that had happened after the ambulance had left the airfield.

  “We managed to keep Berishka’s plane grounded once it had set down. We have the crew and Novak in custody.”

  “And Berishka?”

  “Died from his gunshot wound.”

  Maybe she should feel regret at the loss of a life—any life—maybe she should regret that he wouldn’t have to answer for his crimes, but she didn’t. Instead, a deep sense of satisfaction filled her at the realization that he wouldn’t ever be able to hurt anyone else.

  “Who fired?” she asked.

  She might be glad he was dead, glad that they finally had justice for Katja, but she also knew the heavy burden they all carried whenever they took a lethal shot.

  “Me,” Holly said, her voice flat, hands tightening on the recorder in her lap.

  Amory reached out with her free hand and placed it over Holly’s.

  “You saved my life.”

  Holly kept her eyes down.

  “He had a gun to my temple. I heard the bullet move into the chamber. If you had been just a second later, I would be dead. Thank you.”

  Holly shifted and squeezed her hand but didn’t respond. Amory knew from personal experience that Holly understood she had done the right thing, but reconciling that with the reality of taking a life would take time. It wasn’t the first time either of them had done it, and Holly would deal with it in her own way, in her own time. For now the only thing Amory could do for her was change the subject.

  “Novak survived then?”

  “Yes. He’s going to have a permanent limp but he’ll face trial. He spent the journey to the hospital spilling his guts to Peterson. We have enough to tear down any of Berishka’s empire that might have survived without him.”

  Amory leant back into her chair, letting everything they had achieved wash over her.

  “The best part, the absolutely best part, is that Jackson’s bug was working the whole time. Marek might be dead but we still have his full confession.”

  At Holly’s words Amory wrapped her arms around her best friend, hugging her tightly, tears glistening in both their eyes.

  “We did it. We got Katja the justice she deserves. We really did it,” Amory said, her words thick with emotion. They couldn’t bring Katja back but they had kept their promise.

  As the morning light crept into the room Amory answered Holly’s questions as fully as she could, holding Jackson’s hand as she tried to remember every detail of the evening before. It was taking all her efforts to focus on the questions when her mind kept returning to the fact that he still hadn’t regained consciousness.

  ****

  Jackson stirred. He didn’t know where he was but every part of him hurt. He blinked his eyes, the movement labored as he made seemingly futile efforts to open them, taking in the sterile room through the small gap that flickered between his eyelids with each attempt. The antiseptic smell combined with the pain which seemed to radiate through his entire body began to broadcast to his brain that he wasn’t dead after all.

  Faint murmuring sounds registered, but they faded in and out as he tried to drag himself to full consciousness. It took a while to make out who was talking and when he finally did, the pain racking his body faded as something new consumed his thoughts. Amory. She was alive, and by the sound of it she was okay. Then the words finally filtered through.

  “Interview complete at 6:52 a.m.”

  The words were followed by a clicking sound.

  “Okay, off the record now. Why did you leave the house with Berishka?”

  “He said if I didn’t go with him he’d kill Jackson.”

  “Oh, but you know the rule, the mission is always more important than any one person.”

  The second woman’s voice seemed familiar and Jackson finally remembered. Holly.

  Amory didn’t immediately reply, but when she did her tone was soft.

  “But it’s Jackson.”

  His heart soared. She loved him. Despite how badly he’d reacted to everything, despite everything, she’d risked her mission and put herself at risk, for him. She’d put him before her job, before her life. His mouth dry from the aftereffects of the anesthetic, he whispered her name. To his frustration no sound came out. He tried again, the sound so quiet it almost didn’t exist, but he felt her freeze even though she didn’t turn to him.

  Part of him wondered if he was wrong. He knew any respect she had for him had taken a battering because of his behavior but he pushed the thought away. He wasn’t some inexperienced teenager, fretting about whether a girl liked him back. She might not respect him right now, might not even like him
very much, but she loved him and he was a grown man capable of earning back the rest.

  He managed to whisper her name again and she finally turned to look at him. Her skin was so pale she looked almost translucent, and dark shadows surrounded the green eyes that looked at him almost fearfully, as though she was uncertain what she’d see.

  “I love you,” he said. The words came out cracked and weak, but he knew she’d heard him when her eyes filled with tears.

  He held his breath, waiting to see whether she would admit what he already knew, or whether she would let the shadows of their past darken their future. Her face was a chaos of emotion as she processed his words, and he was beginning to wonder if she would ever answer him when she finally opened her mouth.

  “I love you, too.”

  Her words were strong and clear and he tightened his hold on her hand, moving to pull her closer. The action made him groan.

  “Stay still,” she said, frowning with concern.

  “Come here then.”

  She slipped out of her chair and moved toward the bed without letting go of his hand. As she eased herself onto the edge of the bed, neither of them heard the gentle click of the door as Holly slipped out.

  “I need you in my arms,” he said, frustrated that his own body was preventing him from pulling her against him the way he wanted to.

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “If you don’t get down here now I’ll hurt myself making it happen,” he said with a half-smile.

  She rolled her eyes at him but leaned forward, moving carefully to keep away from his bullet wound and avoid putting any weight on him. He kept his eyes fixed on hers as she moved, her expression reflecting his own feelings back at him.

  He wrapped his good arm around her back, ignoring the pain that shot through him at the movement. Instead he focused on the feel of her warmth, the steady pulse of her heartbeat relaxing him as he finally accepted they were going to be alright. He should probably be more worried about the fact he’d been shot but he couldn’t make himself care about anything other than the woman in his arms.

  When she propped herself on her elbow, he cupped her face with his palm and eased her closer. As their lips met he tried to show her just how much he loved her. Salty moisture trickled onto their lips and he realized with surprise that they were both crying. He let his tears fall without making any effort to stop them. He wasn’t going to hide just how much she meant to him.

  As the kiss heated up she pulled away. His body was alight with need for her, but the accompanying pain let him know he wasn’t going to be able to follow through, so he reluctantly resisted the urge to pull her back.

  “You are amazing,” he said, meeting her eyes as exhaustion crept over him.

  The grimace she gave him made it clear she wasn’t buying it.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about who I really am.” Her words were so quiet they were barely a whisper.

  “I understand why you didn’t,” he said, his own words weak but no less true for that. His eyes fluttered closed. There was so much he wanted to say to her but he couldn’t seem to find the energy.

  “Rest, we’ll talk later,” she said, and as though her words were a command he couldn’t ignore, he gave in to the pull of sleep.

  Chapter Thirty Nine

  Standing in James’s office, Amory pushed the slats of the greying blind down to see the room beyond. Tim’s desk was empty, not a single scrap of paper or pen on its surface. People moved through the office giving the area around it a wide berth, as though there was some sort of force field keeping them at a distance. Everywhere else was a hive of activity, the team bustling around, drinking coffee and generally keeping themselves occupied in the way that only followed a completed mission. The usual buzz of conversation and good-natured teasing was more subdued than usual, but despite that, they were coping with Tim’s betrayal and moving on. Only Holly looked out of sorts, slamming drawers open and closed as she worked her way through a pile of filing.

  “Admin leave, still?” Amory asked, letting the blind flick back into place as she turned her attention to the man she’d worked with for a decade.

  “You know the rules,” he said with a shrug. “Discharge your weapon in the line of duty and this is the reward.”

  “Yes, but it’s been weeks and the world is better off without Berishka. She deserves a damn medal, not administrative leave and an investigation.”

  “I’m not disagreeing, but there is a process to follow, and when the professional standards department has done their job everyone will know what we know, although they are usually a bit faster than this.”

  She opened her mouth to argue but snapped it closed at the expression on his face. She’d worked for him enough years to know that he’d stick to the company line whatever he might think personally. He wouldn’t be her boss after today but that didn’t mean she wanted to piss him off for no purpose.

  “Sorry. I know you can’t change it.”

  “Don’t worry, I have something up my sleeve to keep her occupied,” he said with a smile.

  She looked at him curiously, but he changed the subject before she could ask any more.

  “We’re going to miss you around here.”

  She couldn’t blame him for not sharing details of his plans for Holly. She wasn’t part of the team anymore and that meant she wasn’t allowed to know what was going on.

  “I’m really going to miss you all. This place has been my life and you and Holly are my closest friends, but I’m ready to be myself now.”

  “You know you won’t get rid of us that easily. I expect you to keep in touch.” He moved around his desk and leaned against the edge, smiling at her as he spoke.

  “I will,” she said, and crossed to hug him. “Thank you, for everything.”

  Words weren’t enough, but then could anything ever be enough to thank this man for the amazing career he’d given her, for his genuine friendship and care over so many years?

  She blinked hard, willing away the tears that were threatening. When she pulled back she realized he was doing the same and choked out a laugh that made him pull her in for another hug.

  “It has been a privilege,” he said.

  As she held him tightly the door swung open.

  “Do I need to be worried?” Jackson’s voice asked, his tone amused.

  “You look like crap,” James said to Jackson with a smile as he released Amory.

  “Yeah, getting shot will do that.”

  Amory smiled at the man she loved. Despite the heavy bleeding, he’d only been kept in the hospital for a few days and she’d been having a hell of a time getting him to rest ever since. His color was starting to return, but he still had a greyness to his complexion and his beard was starting to sprout the odd grey hair, something he was less than impressed about. She fingered the scar on her cheek. They’d both been visibly changed by that night.

  “Have they finished with you?” she asked.

  “Yes, apparently asking me the same questions fifteen times is sufficient and I’m free to go.” He pulled at his sling where she knew it was rubbing against his neck.

  Pavol had confessed to everything and told them more than they’d ever hoped for. There wouldn’t be a trial but that didn’t mean they weren’t making sure to get every last drop of information from everyone involved. She smiled at him, knowing all too well how frustrating the seemingly endless interrogations could be.

  “You’ve been a great help,” James said. “I just wish you weren’t taking Amory from us.”

  Her head swung to James and her shoulders squared, ready to set him straight on exactly why she was leaving.

  “You seriously think I have any say in whether she stays or leaves?” Jackson said, rolling his eyes as he beat her to it. “Besides, she’d have my absolute support whatever she decided. She’s more than capable of looking after herself.”

  She turned back to Jackson and smiled.

  “Doesn�
�t mean I’m not going to try and beat you to it though,” he said, this time addressing her.

  “Back at you,” she said with a smile.

  ****

  “You sure about this?” Jackson asked, tugging on her hand to pull her to a stop as they left the building.

  Standing on the busy street, she looked up at the stone façade that had essentially been her home for the last ten years, and studied her feelings. There was a twinge of sadness to be leaving the team. She would miss her colleagues, the people who had become both friends and family to her. Some part of her would even miss the buzz of going undercover, living in someone else’s skin and doing something very few others could. She turned her gaze to Jackson, seeing in his eyes her future laid out before her. A future with someone who knew everything about her—the good, the bad, and everything in between—and accepted her completely. The sense of loss at leaving faded into insignificance.

  She grabbed the front of his shirt and curled it into her fist as she pulled him toward her until their lips met. Sliding her other arm around his waist, she let herself fall into the sensation of kissing him. He wound his free hand in her hair, groaning as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. Finally she pulled back and looked into his eyes.

  “I couldn’t be more certain.”

  Chapter Forty

  Jackson finished reading the letter in his hand before handing it to Amory for her to read as well.

  “So one month,” he said, looking up at William.

  “One month and I’ll be in court. One month and I’ll know what price I have to pay for my stupidity,” William said.

  “We all make mistakes, William,” Amory said, placing the letter onto the kitchen table. “You’ve done a lot more than most of us to make up for yours.”

  Jackson reached out and squeezed Amory’s thigh. For someone who had spent her entire career bringing criminals to justice, she had a surprisingly forgiving nature. It was part of why his team liked her so much. She’d slotted in so naturally it was like she’d always been there. She was helping Mark and Celia with the day-to-day management of the business while they all tried to keep him from doing anything, but it was clear that her passion was for the young offender camps. Her compassionate approach with his brother was just another example of how special she was. She placed her palm over his hand and squeezed.