by Roxe Anne
• • •
“Mama, can I be excused? I have to go to the outhouse.”
“While you’re outside, Missy, can you pump some water for the dishes?”
“Sure. Do you want two buckets?”
“Maybe you better pump three. We sure do have a lot of dishes to wash with all this cooking today.”
“Can I go with Missy, Grandma?” Rita asks.
“I guess; I think Missy might need some extra help with the buckets. But you girls make sure you don’t dilly dally, ya hear me?”
“Yes, Grandma.”
“I’ll start getting the buckets of water, Missy, while you go use the outhouse.”
“Okay, but don’t go back in the house without me.”
The old gray outhouse smells something awful. Grandma teases us and tells us she is so poor she just might leave some old corn cobs in the outhouse for us to use as toilet paper. The thought just makes me quiver. She told us, “When I was a young girl, we even used the Sears Catalog for toilet paper. You kids sure have it easy nowadays!”
At night, we take a flashlight out to that outhouse, unless Grandma is out of batteries; then we use candles. It gets mighty cold in the winter. Sometimes I think my butt is going to freeze right to the toilet lid. It sure does make you hurry, though.
I go into the old outhouse determined not to smell a thing. I only want to remember the smells of all the food in Grandma’s house.
I sit down on the hot, sticky, toilet seat. There is a burning sensation in the right cheek of my tender butt. It feels like someone has just given me a penicillin shot. I hear an awful buzzing by my head. I don’t even pull my pants up. I run out of that old outhouse screaming.
“Help! Bees are attacking me! Help, someone! Ouch! Ouch! Rita, throw a bucket of water at those bees, and then run as fast as you can to the house!”
Everyone comes running out of the house. I swat at the bees the whole time I try pulling my pants up. Those darn bees sting me two more times. Everyone else laughs so hard they double over. Maybe if I’m lucky, one of them will use the outhouse, too!
“It’s not funny. Mama, make them stop laughing. These bee stings hurt!”
Mama laughs. “Okay, off with you all. Leave Missy alone. You’ve had your laugh. Now go on about your business!”
Grandma glares at Roy. “Maybe you men better go see what you can do with those bees in the outhouse. Make yourselves useful!”
“Mama, it hurts something awful. I don’t think I’ll be able to sit for a week. They stung my arm twice!” I whine.
“I’ll get some ice and an old towel. You go in and lay on my bed for a while on your stomach. I’ll have your Mama bring you in the ice. I told Roy to check the outhouse before company arrived. I’m sorry, honey, there were bees in there. We’ll do the dishes and you can just rest,” Grandma tells me concerned.
“Thank you, Grandma.” I’m almost glad I got stung in my butt by those darn bees. Now, I don’t have to dry dishes for an hour in the hot kitchen.
I must have fallen asleep for a couple of hours. When I wake up, I hear voices coming from outside and my pants are wet. Thank goodness it isn’t from me wetting Grandma’s bed. Roy would sure whip me with a belt no matter what Mama says. Thank goodness it’s just the ice. It melted on my clothes while I slept.
• • •
Uncle Jimmy, Uncle Frank, and Roy are using a bow and shooting arrows into bales of hay. They are supposed to aim for the bull’s-eye which has been painted on one of the bales in the middle.
Roy and Uncle Jimmy have a bottle of beer in one hand while they try directing Uncle Frank on how to shoot the arrow. His arrow just falls four feet in front of him. It veers off to the left, and then it veers off to the right. It never once comes close to the target.
Caroline takes a big swig of her beer. “Honey, let me help you with your bow!”
She goes over to him and slowly shows him how to hold his bow getting as close behind him as she can; she positions his arms on the bow.
“Stand with your body at a right angle to the target, which is the bale of hay with the bull’s-eye painted on it, not Dot. Put your left shoulder toward your target,” Caroline tells Uncle Frank, as she turns his shoulder.
“Now, stand with your target slightly to the front of the line running from your left shoulder. Hold the bow in your left hand. Extend your left arm toward the target with your head in position looking at the target.” She continues to direct Uncle Frank as she puts her hands on both sides of his face, daring Mama to say something.
Caroline smiles. “Oh, Frank, you look even cuter the closer I get to you, sweetheart!”
I can see Mama’s face getting redder and redder. She just might take the bow and arrow and use it on old Uncle Frank for letting Caroline getting so close.
“Now, Frank, honey, just place the arrow on the left-hand side of your bow with the odd-colored feather facing left; notch the arrow on the string, and then pull the string using your first three fingers of your right hand with the arrow between your first and second fingers. Keep your left arm, which is holding the bow, slightly bent. Keep your bow straight up and down. Now, pull the string to your face, aim your arrow at the middle of the target and let that baby go!”
Uncle Frank’s arrow comes closer to the bull’s-eye this time. But he still needs a lot of practice. Caroline goes hunting with Roy and belongs to an archery club, so she can hit the bull’s-eye every time.
Mama guzzles her beer. You can feel the tension, and the air is getting thicker by the minute. “I think Frank’s had enough lessons for one day, Caroline, don’t you?”
“Frank, I think it’s my turn now!” Mama tells him. She extends her arm out for the bow.
“Okay…okay. My arm is getting sore anyway!”
Uncle Frank goes over and stands by Caroline. He isn’t too smart. Mama can shoot the arrow just as well as Caroline. From the look on Mama’s face, old Uncle Frank might be her next target. This time, he just might not make it out alive!
“Frank, do you want me to teach you how to shoot, or maybe you just want me to see how fast you can run before I make you my target?”
“Dot, let’s be nice now. After all, this is my birthday party. I don’t want any trouble. Maybe we should just put the bow and arrows away!” Grandma Irene says.
I think Grandma is worried Mama might actually shoot Uncle Frank or Caroline, or maybe even both.
“Yeah, Dot, we don’t want anyone getting hurt!” Uncle Frank taunts Mama.
Caroline begins teasing Uncle Frank. “You’re not going to let little old Dot scare you, are you, Hun?”
“Why don’t you men go play horseshoes for a while? Caroline and I will go get you all another beer to cool off. Won’t we Caroline?” Grandma says aggravated.
“How about bringing me my bottle of brandy, Caroline? It’s in the cupboard with the coffee.”
“Now, Roy, you don’t want to start drinking brandy this early, do you?” Grandma asks.
“You heard me, Caroline. You don’t have to listen to Irene. She’s not your Mama. Bring me out my bottle of brandy, honey!”
I can see tears welling up in Grandma’s eyes. She pretends something flew in them, but there is no wind, and I don’t see any bugs flying around her.
Uncle Frank is pretty good at horseshoes. He wins every game. He does whine about how sore his arm is. No one else complains. Being an engineer draftsman and just sitting at his drafting table all day must make him soft. The only exercise he gets is his fingers pushing a pencil around all day.
Caroline proceeds to massage Uncle Frank’s shoulders. “Poor, Frank. Where does it hurt, honey?”
“Oh…right there, where your hands are on my shoulders. Oh…that feels real good!”
“Papa, can you be a dear and hand me my beer?”
“For you, honey, I’ll do anything!”
“I’ll take one of those massages when you’re done with Frank, Caroline!” Uncle Jimmy tells her.
&
nbsp; “Oh, no you won’t, you old fool!” Aunt May shouts at Uncle Jimmy. “You best just sit your ass right back down in your chair and mind your own business!”
Us kids decide the tension is getting to be too much sitting in Grandma Irene’s green wicker chairs with all the grown ups drinking. We walk over to the picnic table and play cards. There is too much arguing going on over there and it isn’t even dark yet.
We hear the arguing from the picnic table, but at least we aren’t in the way of any beer bottles that might be thrown. Now and then we hear, “Bring me another beer,” from one of the men. Then they all holler, “Me, too!” It sounds like they are trying to out-drink each other. I don’t know how they can fit all that liquid into their body after eating Grandma’s big dinner.
Aunt May is getting pretty mad at Uncle Jimmy. He is even slurring his words now.
“Why don’t ya go in and get me ‘nother beer, May?”
“I don’t think you need anymore beer, Jimmy. You can hardly walk now!”
“I’m not drunk. I’m just tired. Please?”
“Okay, but this is your last beer, and then you need to do some sobering up for the drive home.”
Grandma and Mama go inside with Aunt May to bring out beer for everyone. There are beer bottles all over the yard. Roy says he is going to line those bottles up on the fence by the pasture and get some target practice in tomorrow.
• • •
“Jimmy, you still want your massage, Hun?”
“Sure do, sweet thing. But you better do it before May comes back, or she’ll have both our hides!”
“Yeah, and when you’re done givin’ old Jim here a massage, I can use ‘nother one!” Uncle Frank says to Caroline, slurring his words.
“Frank, you doll, how could I forget you? It will be my pleasure to massage you again, Hun!”
• • •
When Mama and Aunt May arrive outside, Caroline is just finishing up with Uncle Jimmy’s massage. Uncle Jimmy has the biggest grin on his face I ever did see.
“Caroline, honey, my shoulders still hurt. Where’s my massage? You said you would give me another massage after you finished Jimmy’s!”
“There’s no need for Caroline to give anyone a massage, especially you, Frank. You drunk S.O.B.! And, Caroline, you are nothing but a slut! You always cause trouble! Why don’t you just leave?” Mama screams at both of them.
“Papa, are you going to let Dot talk to me like this?”
“What’s the matter, Caroline, does the truth hurt? You better keep your dirty hands off Jimmy, or you’ll find yourself eating dirt!” Aunt May tells Caroline, gritting her teeth.
“Caroline isn’t doing anything wrong, Dot. She is only trying to release the tension in my shoulders. Which is more than I can say you do for me nowadays,” Uncle Frank tells Mama, tripping over a beer bottle as he tries to stand. “And what about you kissing and dancing with Roger? You said you were just friends!”
“That’s the way to tell her, Frank!” Roy hollers.
“Frank, I should have killed you when I had the chance. You’ll never learn to keep your big fat mouth shut. Roger was a much better man than you’ll ever be!” Mama yells, as she smacks him in the face.
“Ow…Dot, that hurt! You touch me again and I’ll kill you…just like…never mind.”
“Don’t you ever threaten me again you cheap bastard. Be glad it is my hand instead of one of those bottles of beer you’re guzzling! “
Roy grabs an empty beer bottle and raises his hand. “I think the only people who better leave and get the hell off my property are you two. I want you two to leave now before I knock you both out myself. You won’t have to worry about any old massage Caroline gives your men!”
“You think so, old man!” Mama taunts Roy.
“Irene, you better tell your sorry ass daughters to leave now, before I do something. I don’t want to look at them another minute. They better never call my daughter a slut again on my property or anywhere else. Do you hear me, old woman?”
“Roy, calm down. There’s no need for any yelling or name calling. Let’s all be sensible adults here!”
Aunt May begins crying. “Mother, the only thing that would be sensible is for you to leave that hateful man!”
“That’s it. You girls get your brood and get the hell off my property now!”
“Frank, you find your own way home. You’re not riding back with us! Come on kids, get your stuff; we’re leaving this awful man’s property. Sorry, Mother, we didn’t mean to ruin your birthday.”
“Jimmy, get the kids in the car, now! We’re going home and we’re never coming back here till Roy’s gone!”
“You don’t mean it, May. It’s the liquor talking!”
“But I do, Mother. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry Caroline is here to ruin your birthday!”
Caroline puts her arm around Frank’s neck. “I’ll take you home, Frank. You don’t have to worry about little old Dot, honey. She doesn’t scare me!” She glares at Mama.
“Go on about your business, Dot. You worry about getting your brood and getting off my property. Caroline and I will take good care of Frank!” Roy tells Mama.
“Hey, Dot, ‘member what happened to your kid’s daddy. If you don’t want them to lose their mama, ya better watch what ya do!”
We all get into Mama’s old car and drive home without Uncle Frank. Maybe, if we’re lucky, Caroline will want to keep Uncle Frank forever. For a minute, I think I am riding in a boat as much as Mama is swerving our car. It is a good thing there aren’t many cars on the back roads tonight or we might meet them head-on. And Uncle Frank might just get his wish, unless we kids all die, too!
• • •
The next day, Grandma Irene brings Uncle Frank home. I never did hear if Caroline took good care of Uncle Frank. I don’t know if Mama and Uncle Frank even know what they fought about. Katie and I remember every word!
Chapter Fifteen
Mama and Uncle Frank don’t sleep in the same room when he comes back home. Mama makes him a bed on a cot in our study. The cot sure doesn’t look comfortable. Uncle Frank keeps telling Mama he needs Caroline around for a massage. This really makes her angry. We know they are going to have words. Katie and I listen through the register to make sure no one uses the rolling pin this time.
“Frank, you’re going to sleep on the cot until hell freezes over, or until you move out. I don’t want anything more to do with your sorry ass. My mother told me you slept in her spare bedroom with Caroline after I left. There is nothing you can say or do that will change my mind!”
“I was drunk. I don’t remember what happened!”
“Oh, don’t start, Frank. Don’t you even think you’re going to use alcohol as an excuse this time. I have witnesses!”
“But Caroline seduced me.”
“You are such a liar! You were flirting with her from the moment she arrived at Mother’s. What’s wrong with you men? The minute Caroline walks into a room you all lose your head.”
“What would you do if I slept with some other man, Frank? You would leave me in a minute. You’re jealous if I even talk to another man. You even threatened to kill Roger if you saw him giving me a peck on the cheek. Did you have something to do with his accident? Furthermore, you keep bringing up Dan’s accident. If I didn’t know his death was accidental, I’d think you had something to do with it. You need to find another place to live. I don’t want to hear any more lies or excuses!”
“Dot, I love you. It was only one night. Please forgive me? I promise I won’t even look at another woman. You’re all I ever want. If I can’t have you, I’ll make sure no one else will either!”
“I have to get ready for work. I don’t have time to argue. This conversation is over!”
When Katie and I hear it is over between Mama and Uncle Frank, we want to go up on top of our flat garage and scream, “Hallelujah.”
“I sure hope Mama means it this time, Missy. I can’t stand the thought of Uncle Frank
in our house any longer!”
“He frightens me, Katie. If looks could kill, we’d all be dead by now!”
Katie shivers. “He frightens me, too. I’m not sure Daddy’s—I’m not sure he hasn’t made good on some of his threats. It’s too bad he can’t go share a place with Uncle Sammy. Those two are a lot alike!”
I can’t wait to get downstairs. It is so hot up in our bedroom you can fry an egg on my window sill. A glass of Mama’s fresh lemonade sure sounds refreshing. If we are lucky, Uncle Frank will be gone by the time we reach the kitchen.
• • •
“You look real nice tonight, Mama. Is there something special going on at the Victory Bar & Grill?” Katie asks.
Mama stands in front of a mirror above the kitchen sink applying mascara. “No, darling, your Mama just wants to make herself feel proud of who she is. Tonight is going to be a new beginning for us. I feel better about myself than I have in a very long time!”
“How long do you think Uncle Frank is going to continue living here, Mama?” Katie asks concerned.
“One day is too long. We’ll see what comes our way!”
“Katie, make grilled cheese and tomato soup for supper. Don’t forget to have a couple of my dill pickles, too. I’ll be home around two in the morning. Don’t you kids wait up for me. And don’t let Frank boss you around, ya hear. He’s not your old Uncle Frank anymore. You can just call him, Frank!”
• • •
Sandy starts barking as soon as Mama leaves. “You can’t go with Mama right now. Stop barking! Come on, girl. You want me to play ball with you? It’s okay, Sandy, I miss Mama when she’s working, too.”
Katie puts her hand on Billie’s shoulder. “How about we go ride our bikes, Billie? Sandy can even come with us.”
