Santa Claus

by Santa Responds: He's Had Enough. and He's Writing Back!

  Annabel, AGE 5

  Dear Annabel,

  If there’s any lesson I can impart to you it would be that life isn’t fair. While I applaud your parents’ efforts to instill a sense of fairness in you, it really is a lost cause. As you get older, you’ll find that the brown-nosers in your class get good grades with little effort while your perfect papers are only good enough for B’s. In college, your whore-ish roommate will marry a millionaire while you date a pizza delivery boy. When you graduate, the incompetent ass-kisser who is hired the same day as you will ultimately become your boss. Through all of this, you’ll whine that “it’s not fair!”

  It’s not very well publicized, but the Easter Bunny is fully subsidized by the American Egg Producers Association. I make and deliver toys to millions of children every year, free of charge. If you don’t think it’s fair that I enjoy a few cookies for my efforts, then screw you.

  I hope you’re getting something good from the Easter Bunny this year, ‘cause you’re not getting jack from me.

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  I’d like to know some things. How do you fit in the chimney’s?

  And if we don’t have a chimney how do you get in.

  And some of the things I wan’t is wrestling figures or other things. Suprise me

  PS: Hope you like the cookie’s

  From

  Austin

  Merry Christmas

  Dear Austin,

  It’s never good to ask someone to surprise (as opposed to suprise) you unless you truly would be happy with anything you get, ranging from a West Hollywood Ken doll to a bucket of used hypodermic needles. Based on your one stated request for “wrestling figures,” I’m guessing that you’d be disappointed in any kind of toy that requires intelligence or imagination to use. That eliminates a huge percentage of the toys on the market. I will try to do my best, though. My research has shown me that of the little boys who ask for “wrestling figures,” 45% of them are future drug-using sociopaths, and another 45% are latent homosexuals. The remaining 10% are drug-using latent homosexual sociopaths.

  I hope you enjoy your Ken doll AND your bucket of used hypodermic needles.

  Your Best Buddy,

  SANTA

  Hi Santa,

  My sister is making me leave out oatmeal cookies for you even though they are gross. You probably like chocolate chip cookies better. I’ll try to put some of them on the plate too. please don’t put me on the bad list, just my sister.

  Looking out for you,

  kevyn

  Dear Kevyn,

  You’re absolutely correct. Oatmeal cookies are disgusting. The only thing worse are oatmeal cookies with raisins. At first glance, they look like oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, and you think to yourself, well, at least these oatmeal cookies have chocolate chips. Then you pick one up and take a bite only to realize that they’re really RAISINS! It’s a joke of the cruelest kind. Hitler LOVED oatmeal cookies with raisins!

  Rest assured that you will not be punished for this travesty. Your sister, however, shall pay.

  Disgustedly yours,

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  It’s me again, Cate. Last year you bought me a lot of presents, and I just wanted to say thank you once again. This year, I want a lot of things, and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. Mom says you won’t be getting me everything I want, but I always tell her she doesn’t know you like I do. For Christmas, I’ll start out with some of the little things I need. I need a hair brush for Barbie and some new clothes for her too. She’s getting very tired of the ones she’s been wearing for the past three months. Also for Barbie, she needs the new dream house and the nice sports car I saw on the TV commercial, I think you know which one I’m talking about. Also for Barbie, she needs one last thing; these amazing new heels I saw last week in the store, they’re blue and sparkly and they should fit her just right!! As for me, I need a lot of things as well. I saw this really cute doll that I fell in love with. She had blue eyes just like me, and she also had long brown hair just like me too. Her name was Dress-Me-Up DeeDee and I saw her in the doll section of Toys R’ Us. DeeDee is going to need some new clothes just like Barbie, except I hope they have some in a bigger size. DeeDee is going to need a new pink shirt, as well as some black shorts so she can match me when we decide to dress together. After DeeDee, I would like to get a friend for her to play with, so when she’s home alone she doesn’t get lonely. I found her friend in the same place as DeeDee, and her name is Julia. She looks just like DeeDee, except she has green eyes and blonde hair. I think Julia is going to want some new clothes too, so if you could bring her some, any kind you like, that would be cool.

  Santa, I know this is a lot to ask for, but I believe that you can bring me all these things without thinking I’m greedy. I’m really not, even though my mom tells me I’m spoiled all the time. For the last of my presents, I would like my ears pierced. My mom always tells my I’m too young, but 9 isn’t that young, all my friends have their ear’s pierced and it’s not fair! I think I should be allowed to especially since Natalie, my best friend at school, has two holes in each ear! Maybe you can take me without telling my mom, and then she’ll have to let me keep them once they’re in my ear! Natalie is just like me, we almost have the same exact things, except she has a little more than me, but its okay because we share most of our stuff anyway.

  The very last thing I want for Christmas Santa, is a new bike to ride in the spring and summer. I want this yellow and green bike I saw also in Toys R’ Us, dad knows what it looks like so he can tell you all about it. I can’t wait to show it off to all my friends, I’ve never seen anything like it anywhere,

  My friends will think I’m the coolest kid they’ve ever known.

  Anyway Santa, I hope I get everything I ask for because in the past, I know you’ve always been faithful to me. If you can’t get everything, then I understand, I know you have a billion and one kids to get things for anyway. I love you, Santa.

  Love Always,

  Cate F.

  Dear Cate,

  You are greedy. You are spoiled. And your friend Natalie is a tramp. Yet you’re only a tenth of the torture you’re going to be to others when you get older.

  I shudder to think,

  SANTA

  Dear Mr. Santa,

  I know there’s lots of other girls named krystal in the world so I think you got confused and gave me a Barbie when I asked for a Bratz doll. Can you switch them please?

  Thanks,

  krystal

  Dear Krystal,

  That was no mistake. Despite what I think of Barbie and the message she sends to girls (and a few odd boys) it pales in comparison to what I think of the Bratz. These nasty, repugnant dolls are nothing less than the heralds of the end of civilization as we know it. You know what it says when a little girl says she wants a Barbie? She’s saying she wants to be sweet, wholesome, and impossibly slim, and be loved by a pretty but androgynous boy. When a girl tells me she wants a Bratz doll, it tells me she wants to grow up to be an ignorant whore who will use sex to manipulate any man she comes in contact with.

  Mrs. Claus doesn’t need any additional support.

  Stick with Barbie,

  SANTA

  Santa,

  What’s does ho mean? I heard it in a song and I thought you’d know because you say it a lot.

  Sincerely,

  Franck, 9

  Dear Franck,

  I’m sorry. It’s just too easy.

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  I ‘m going to leave you some cookies my dad got at work and didn’t want. The puppy you got me peed on my bed again. Try to do better next year.

  Jessica Cehlar-Morrison

  Dear Jessica,

  I know your parents always tell you to be honest, but, frankly, there is such a thing as being too truthful. People don’t respond to comments like those you sent me by saying to themselves: “Oh, what an honest little girl sh
e is!” No, what they say is: “Do you think Jessica is really that repulsive, or is she just too stupid to know better?” In fact that’s exactly what I’ve asked myself, and sadly, the answer I settled on is that Jessica really is that repulsive. So this year, instead of toys or a puppy that doesn’t pee, I’m going to be bringing you something far more precious. It’s called tact. I hope you make the most of it.

  Keep the cookies,

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  Please don’t be mad but my Grandpa hit one of your reindeer with his car last night and even though he said it hurt his car more than his car hurt it I don’t think it’ll be good in time for Christmas Eve. My dad said you can borrow our dog Stinker if you need to because she’s as big as a horse. I don’t think Stinker can fly but she’ll try her best.

  Sorry.

  Sam

  Dear Sam,

  Don’t worry. You’re grandpa didn’t hit one of my reindeer. Unfortunately, he did hit a jogger—despite his claim that it was a deer. I’m afraid the police will trace the incident to him by early Christmas morning. Just as you’re all opening the gifts I’ve left for you, they’ll arrive to arrest him for manslaughter.

  Enjoy the presents!

  SANTA

  Hey Santa,

  This is my first time writing to you in the seven years that I’ve been alive. Dad says it’s time to be a big girl and write my own letters instead of telling him what to write.

  I want to start off by saying that this year, even though it was one of the hardest years for me, I was so good. It’s so hard to be good, but in the end, I think it’s all worth it. Me and my brother didn’t fight that many times, but when we did, it was nothing too big. He fought with me once because I ate the last fruit roll-up. He hit me and then my mom grounded him. I tried to start a fight with him once, but then he told my mom and then I got grounded; that was really the only time I did anything wrong. Nothing else really happened that was big during this year. My oldest sister went off to college so she hasn’t been around. I saw her a week ago for thanksgiving, but she wasn’t around that much, she was too busy running around with her boyfriend. She comes home again in three weeks for a really long winter break, and to spend Christmas with us, so I’m really excited. She’s my favorite sister in the whole world, and she always gives me anything I want. I don’t think I could ask for a better sister.

  Moving onto Christmas, I really hope you can bring me everything I ask for. I know it’s a lot, so if you can’t deliver everything in one night, then I’ll understand a little bit. The first thing I want are a lot of Barbies. I love Barbies. They’re my favorite doll to play with. When I get older, I want to look and act just like her! At night, when I’m sleeping, all I dream about is Barbie. Everything about her is perfect, and I want to be just like her!

  The other thing I would like to ask for are a lot of Webkinz. You know, those animal internet-talking pets? They’re so cool. I think they’re the best thing that has ever happened to my computer. I have the dog, the frog, the pig, and the moose, so if you see any other ones that I don’t have, I would love them! I trust anything you chose for me. I think I would like either 2 or 3 just so my other Webkinz have other friends to play with!

  The other thing I would like to ask for is the Barbie dream car, and the Barbie dream house… I told you, I’m in love with Barbie. The Barbie dream car is so so so cool. It has automatic driving, so I don’t even have to do anything but be inside of the car, and it’s also very safe. My older sister even thinks it’s cool, so that says something. The Barbie dream house is for Barbie. She needs to move because she says her other house is getting to small, so this house is the perfect size for her. There’s nothing else really that I want on Christmas. I hope you can bring it to me. I will leave some cookies and milk out for you like I always do, and if you don’t eat them, it’s okay because maybe your reindeer will get hungry. I’ll leave an extra glass of milk out for them too.

  I hope you don’t get too tired delivering all the presents to all the other girls and boys. Good Luck! Love you,

  —Emma—

  Dear Emma,

  You’re one of those talkative kids, aren’t you?

  Try listening occasionally,

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  I already sent you my Christmas List, but I just thought about something really important and wanted to ask you a question. Can you please include the receipts with my presents? Last year, you made a couple of mistakes (I wanted an X-Box, and you gave me a Nintendo instead) and it would be really convenient if the receipts were included so I can exchange the presents I don’t like.

  Thank you, Santa,

  your friend,

  jason

  Dear Jason,

  I’m afraid you’ve made the fundamental mistake of assuming my gifts are returnable and that I offer “receipts” for them. First of all, where do you propose to return these gifts? I doubt very much that Best Buy is going to honor a receipt from me even if I were to provide you with one. That would leave you in the position of having to haul your ass all the way to the North Pole to make the exchange. Practical? Not really. But if you want to give it a shot, I’ll be happy to honor your request if you manage to survive the journey.

  Dress Warmly!

  SANTA

  Dear Santa,

  My mom and dad told me I’m spoiled and that I should think about the poor kids in Indiana because they don’t have any toys and I should be thankful because I have toys and Food and a nice house and they told me I should give all my presents to the poor children in Indiana but I don’t think that’s Fair so maybe you could just bring me the toys From my list and give those kids all my old toys. Can you do that Santa?

  Sin Celry

  Chris eck

  Dear Chris,

  While I agree that we should all feel sympathy for any child born in Indiana, I believe your mother actually said India—unless she didn’t, in which case she’s probably a moron. In any case, don’t feel bad for the “poor” children of India. While their standard of living is still far below that of the “developed” world, they are catching up rapidly. By about the start of your second marriage (it will fail, too) India will have surpassed the United States in wealth and standard of living. You see, while all you Americans sit around complimenting yourselves about being number one, the people of India are actually educating themselves in real courses such as Microbiology and Quantum Physics—as opposed to made-up subjects like Creation Science and Hip Hop Culture. But don’t worry, even as your standard of living slides inexorably toward the gutter, you’ll still think you’re number one—even if you don’t know the difference between India and Indiana.

  Thanks for caring!

  SANTA

  Dear santa,

  Thank you for the presents that you gave me last year. How many elves do you think you have in your workshop? About 116,000? I don’t know. Do you know what people are doing right now? sorry for all the bad things I have done. What kinds of cookies does Mrs. Claus bake? I hope she bakes some chocolate chip cookies. I absolutely love them! Again thank you for the presents!

  Love,

  Judith samantha

  (P.s. I was good this year!)

  Dear Judith,

  You’ve asked an interesting question. How many elves do I have in my workshop? It may surprise you to know that the answer to that question is: just one. Hard to believe, I know. In fact, at one time I had well in excess of 116,000 elves. But as the centuries progressed, they got it into their heads that they were the all-important cog in the whole North Pole operation, and they began to make increasingly outrageous demands. Eleven months off instead of nine, eggnog breaks every hour as opposed to every four hours, that sort of thing.

  Initially I conceded to their demands, feeling that my whole venture could collapse without them. In reality, the more I gave into them, the shoddier their work became. If you think the toys your parents describe having got when they were kids sound crap
py, this is the main reason why. The elves became drunk with power (not to mention the eggnog) and felt that they could behave any way they wanted, because they now perceived themselves as having the upper hand. And for a while I assumed they did. Then I discovered China, and I promptly fired those lazy-ass elves—all several hundred thousand of them. I believe most of them are working as garden gnomes, which I’m sure you’ve noticed have exploded in popularity over the past decade. Now you know why.

  As I mentioned, I did keep one elf for publicity and photo purposes. I affectionately call him Scab—but I doubt anyone will be writing any songs about him.

  Outsourcingly yours,

  SANTA

  Dear Father Christmas,

  I have been very good all year. What is it that you would like for Christmas?

  Your chum,

  Nigel, 10 years old

  Dear Nigel,