Souvenir

by Therese Fowler

  When Meg didn’t take the chicken immediately, Savannah said, “Mom?”

  Meg forced a smile. “You know, I think I’ll just wait—keep both hands on the wheel. What sort of example am I setting if I eat while I drive?” One I’ve set a hundred times, she thought. Well, what was parenting if not a series of inconsistencies and the occasional hypocritical action?

  She changed the subject. “So, tell me about this project you’re doing.”

  “It’s no big deal. Cell anatomy and function. Pretty boring.”

  Meg remembered taking high school biology, studying those same things with her lab partner, Carson. More often, not studying. Savannah, though, was a serious student, curious about everything—or so she’d been back when her every thought manifested as a question or observation. Presumably she was still the same girl, just quieter. Was she caught up in identity issues? Questioning her sexuality? She hadn’t yet had an official boyfriend; maybe she was gay—which would be fine, Meg would love her no matter what. Or maybe Savannah was just picky; she could be awfully judgmental, the “curse,” her fifth-grade teacher once said, of gifted children. In truth, Meg hoped Rachel had persuaded Savannah to meet some boys, if only so that Savannah would start getting her feet wet.

  “Well, did you find the info you needed?”

  “Mostly,” Savannah said, her mouth full.

  The traffic signal ahead turned red, and Meg slowed to a stop. She looked at Savannah, really looked at her, in a way she rarely remembered to these days. The dangling wood-bead earrings, the thick, hammered-silver wrist cuff, the mascara, the slight sheen of lip gloss—when had she begun wearing that?—the swell of breasts inside a snug green tee; all these signs said her daughter was essentially a woman. When had this maturing taken place? Surely it was just last week that skinny, flatchested, unadorned Savannah was dressing Barbie dolls and perfecting cartwheels on the pool deck behind their house. Yet this week she was a sophomore at a private all-girl high school; a little more exposure to the opposite sex would do her good.

  Meg rubbed her shoulder while thinking whether she should ask outright if the girls had been “researching” with boys. But knowing Savannah, the question would be interpreted as an accusation—and she simply didn’t have the energy to defend herself tonight. So instead of asking, she changed the subject, again.

  “Hey, I just saw Grandpa Spencer. Do you want to go have dinner with him Sunday? He thought you’d get a kick out of using the self-serve ice cream machine they have there.”

  Savannah smirked. “I’m practically sixteen. Did he forget the teen part or something?”

  The signal light changed and Meg turned the car, heading toward their gated community on the northeast side of town. She left her arm resting in her lap. “Be nice,” she said. “The important part is that he wants your company.”

  “Whatever,” Savannah said.

  Meg glanced at her. “Is that a yes?”

  Her daughter shrugged, slim shoulders signaling noncommitment. “Are you and Dad going?”

  “I plan to. I don’t know about your dad.”

  “He never does anything,” Savannah grumbled.

  True as it was, Meg felt obliged to defend him. “He has a business to run.”

  “I think I know that.” Savannah opened the glove box, shuffled through a few CDs, selected one, and slid it into the player.

  Meg waited to hear what she’d picked. In a moment, the sounds of acoustic piano and guitar surrounded them, joined, after a few bars, by Carson’s voice. She smiled at how Savannah had moved from a grumpy thought about Brian to soothing herself with Carson’s music. Meg had done the same thing many, many times herself.

  “Good choice,” she said.

  “Can I borrow this to upload when we get home?”

  “Sure, borrow it—but make sure you put this one back afterward.”

  “Duh,” Savannah said as though she’d never forgotten before.

  Savannah sang along softly, as invested in the music as if she’d composed it herself. Meg knew why she loved Carson’s music, but was Savannah’s connection inborn? The possibility alternately pleased or worried her, depending on how close the past felt when the thought bubbled up. Tonight, the thought was a bittersweet pleasure—a longing for the simpler life she and Carson and Savannah would have had if things had been different. But sometimes she hoped fervently that Savannah was Brian’s—wished for a clean break from Carson, for pure, open space between her past and the truth of her life now. The deliberate mystery of Savannah’s paternity had turned out to be much more troubling to her than she’d expected.

  Probably, she concluded, she’d trained Savannah to love Carson’s music. Inadvertently, by example. Probably it meant nothing.

  “I guess I’ll go to Grandpa’s,” Savannah said when the song ended. “Oh, we have our opening ball game Sunday at one. I told Dad; he said he has a nine thirty tee time with some client, so you’ll have to take me.”

  Of course. When Brian wasn’t jetting off to some branch or another of the company he’d founded, Hamilton Investments Management, Inc., he was on the golf course. He rarely involved himself in their lives—ironic, considering he’d once been so determined to win her away from Carson that he and his father had spent $387,000 to close the deal.

  He just wasn’t the sort of man who wanted intimacy, in the fullest sense of the word. What was surface level was uncomplicated and therefore desirable; he saved his energies for work. He was about accomplishments. Results. The successful pursuit of an ever-higher standard. He collected achievements the way other people accrue trophies. She admired his energy but was cowed by it too; he expected the same from everyone around him and, especially lately, she didn’t have it to give.

  “Well, whether Dad comes with us or not,” Meg said, “Grandpa will be glad to see you; he wants to show you around—‘show her off,’ that’s how he put it.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s his new home, the people there are his new neighbors—he wants them to see his beautiful offspring.”

  “Which would be you, or Aunt Beth,” Savannah said. “Not me. I’m not beautiful; I got Dad’s big nose.”

  Perhaps, Meg thought. Savannah’s nose did look something like Brian’s, and the shape of her face was similar, too; the broad forehead, the wide smile. Meg wouldn’t bet her life on a genetic connection, though. She said, “You are absolutely gorgeous. I’d give anything for that wavy hair.” She wanted to reach over and touch Savannah’s long auburn hair, willed her tired arm to cooperate. Happily, it did, and she pushed some strands behind her daughter’s ear, letting her hand linger. Carson’s low, soulful voice sang one of his early ballads, a song about a pair of young lovers separated by a washed-out bridge.

  “Hey, two hands on the wheel,” Savannah said.

  In the darkness, Meg allowed herself a wistful smile.

  Six

  SAVANNAH PASSED THE NINETY MINUTES BEFORE HER ONLINE “DATE” BY working on a new song. Her guitar, a fifteenth-birthday gift almost a year ago, made a good diversion most nights, especially now that her grandparents’ horse farm was sold. But last Sunday, while she was chatting online with her friends, she got a message from someone intriguing. A guy—no, a man—who wanted to get to know her. And at nine thirty tonight he would be online to chat with her again…she hoped.

  She sat on her fuzzy purple stool, trying to improve the final three bars of her song. The purple, the fuzz, annoyed her. Nothing in her bedroom suite felt like “her” anymore; her life didn’t feel like “her” anymore. She’d outgrown the lavender walls and spring-green carpet, the white dressers and desk. Her fuchsia curtains, with their bright appliquéd daisies, annoyed her. A lot of things annoyed her, in fact: most of her classmates, her dad’s refusal to let her get a dog even to keep outside, the stares of the creepy lawn-care guys, the way she still wasn’t allowed to stay home alone when her parents traveled, as if she couldn’t be trusted—just to name a few. It was all so irritating, like a
cloud of gnats she couldn’t shoo away. Even this song, which she’d been so dedicated to at first, was getting on her nerves; she just couldn’t seem to get it to end the way she wanted it to.

  Finally, at nine twenty, she gave up trying to concentrate and propped the guitar against the wall, wishing there was some way to fast-forward to a time when she had her own life, her own place. Space that was decorated by her, not by some fussy designer who thought she knew “just what smart little girls like!” Someplace like a park ranger’s cabin along the Chassahowitzka River, where she could do research on manatee populations—that would do her just fine. The gentle mammals were her main interest outside of music. If she could have music and manatees, that was all she needed. Well, music and manatees and a boyfriend who loved those things too. And maybe now she’d found him.

  “Ten minutes to Kyle,” she said, nervous. Would he show? Would he be as interested in her as he’d seemed last time? She grabbed her laptop and settled onto her bed with purple velvet pillows propped behind her, facing the door like she always did—so that no parent could stroll in and read over her shoulder. Not that they would stroll in. Not that she ever had anything to hide, in particular…until this week.

  She signed on and scanned her buddy list for Kyle’s screen name: still offline. Suppose he didn’t show? Suppose he found someone he liked better than her?

  Her webpage, where he’d first discovered her, was as appealing as she could make it. She’d fudged a little on the facts, though, including posting photos specially selected to make the case that she was twenty, not a month shy of sixteen. One showed her by the pool, wearing a bikini and holding a highball glass filled with amber liquid meant to look like a cocktail. In reality she didn’t drink at all—she was smarter than that. But success in life was all about presentation, that’s what her dad always said. So her page presented the Savannah she thought would attract the kind of boyfriend she wanted: an older guy whose interests matched hers. Guys her age—the ones she knew, anyway—seemed to care only about sports or money or, like her friend Jonathan, were more into playing video games than having an actual life.

  Her page was her portal to the real world. And she hoped—hoped so hard that it made her stomach hurt—that her strategy had worked, that Kyle would become her companion and guide.

  She traded IMs with Rachel about the guy they’d met up with earlier at the library. Some senior from North Marion High. She’d gone to the library as moral support, though Rachel, who’d practically licked the guy’s ear while whispering to him, seemed to not need any kind of support at all. Now Rachel was saying he’d promised to call her, but she’d forgotten to give him her number before her mom arrived. In typical Rachel fashion she wrote,

  OMG!! wat do i do???? i just no i will never c him agn!!!!!!!

  chill, Savannah wrote. In her opinion, the guy was too skinny, and he hadn’t seemed that into Rachel anyway.

  Savannah kept up her end of the conversation mindlessly, waiting, waiting, her heart seeming to stall, until the chime of Kyle messaging her jump-started it again:

  hi babe, wassup?

  To Rachel she wrote hurriedly, its him! gtg.

  If what he’d said in their first chat was legitimate, he was twenty-three years old and had a bachelor’s degree in marine biology. He loved music, including some of her favorite bands: No Doubt, Evanescence, Nickel-back, and Carson McKay. He sounded perfect.

  Everything she’d posted on her page was accurate—well, except for her age: long wavy red-brown hair, 5'8" (too tall, she thought, but what could she do?), green eyes, 127 lb. She hadn’t revealed her whole name, just first and middle, wise to the risks of giving too much information. Savannah Rae. If she ever got into professional songwriting or performing in public, that was the name she planned to use.

  i’m studying 4 bio quiz, she replied. She’d told him that first night that she was a student at the University of Florida—but only after making sure he hadn’t gone there.

  ah, the good old days, he wrote. He was working on his PhD now, doing some kind of research for a professor at Harvard—fieldwork around the western Everglades, only a few hours south of Gainesville, he’d said. Gainesville, where she supposedly lived in an apartment with three girlfriends.

  Kyle’s very first message included a picture of himself standing on some decrepit dock wearing only cargo shorts that hung low on his hips, and hiking boots with socks showing above the tops. He was trim and muscled like the Greek sculptures she studied in art history. She thought his body was amazing, but it was his face that really drew her in: his wide, long-lashed eyes looked kind. Caring. Dedicated to his passions—which would include her, she hoped. His dark, curly hair and café au lait complexion made her think he might be part Latino or black—something her dad wouldn’t approve of, but she didn’t really care.

  wut r u up 2? she asked.

  sos. waiting 4 the wkend. i really want 2 meet in person, he wrote, thrilling her.

  wut r u doing sat? it’s my dad’s b-day, she wrote, adding a frowning-face icon. Another white lie, but it wouldn’t be good to sound too eager. She waited anxiously for his reply.

  idea: meet 4 may day in miami?

  Savannah perked up. wut’s in miami?

  my bros. we meet every yr 4 beach party. got a bikini?.

  duh He’d seen the pictures of her on her webpage.

  got a car?

  duh, she wrote again, though she wouldn’t have one until her birthday in mid-May, a small detail she could work out later. She wiped her damp palms on the bedspread, waiting to see if he was serious.

  Kyle wrote, luv 4 u 2 hang w/us. try?

  sure! she replied, though she didn’t have a clue how she could get there without her parents’ permission. Not that they paid close attention to what she did with her time, her dad in particular. They believed whatever she told them. If she planned things carefully, she might be able to make it work. “Holy shit,” she whispered, but played it cool, typing, will check to see if I’m free.

  hope so, Kyle wrote. hey babe, gtg—frenz here. Call your cell sat?

  Disappointed to be done so soon, she wrote, ok. ttyl! and added a smiley face, to show she was just fine with letting him go. Then she signed off, so that none of her friends could interrupt her glow.

  Wow, she thought, snapping her laptop shut: Kyle. Miami. She couldn’t wait to talk to him about it—it would be only their second conversation, the first having been Monday night. They hadn’t talked for long, but long enough for her to determine that he wasn’t geeky or weird. Long enough to discover that his voice, a midrange tenor that might complement her alto if he could sing, filled a hole in her heart—or maybe her soul, she wasn’t sure—in a way nothing else quite managed to. She stood and stretched and grinned.

  As she washed her face, she imagined walking with Kyle on soft white sand, holding hands, kissing…. French kissing, like she’d done experimentally a few times with her friend Jonathan, who lived two houses over. She was fascinated with the male body and the way she felt when she thought about getting firsthand knowledge of Kyle’s. Now that she’d found a guy worth her time, she was ready to try out a lot of the things she knew most of her friends were doing already. Had been doing since eighth grade, some of them. Her stomach turned a funny little flip when she thought of how it would be to slide her hand inside the waist of his cargo shorts.

  She leaned close to the mirror to inspect the few blackheads dotting her forehead and the top of her nose. She’d need to get rid of those before Miami—what twenty-year-old girl would still have blackheads? Getting rid of the freckles banding her nose and cheeks would be nice, too, but that wasn’t going to happen. Her height, her freckles, her smile, and the red highlights in her brown hair were gifts from her mother—that’s what her Grandma Anna used to say; she tried to appreciate them, but what she wanted was to be petite, with blond hair and spot-free skin. Or that’s what she often thought, but now that she’d snagged Kyle’s interest, she might concede t
hat she looked okay as is.

  With his perspective in mind, she peeled off her T-shirt and looked at her breasts critically. “Average,” she said, turning sideways, then facing front again. Not like she could do much to improve them, short of getting implants, and she was not an implant kind of girl. She knew girls who were, though—girls who’d already had nose jobs, girls who were all about improving their bodies so they could get better guys. Girls who knew how to flirt. Girls who wore those mini-stilettos called kitten heels, and big smiles for their daddies so they could get more money to shop with.

  Savannah knew she wasn’t especially good at flirting, not with boys and not with her dad, but she was a straight-A student, good at figuring things out—which was much more valuable in the long run. Besides, Kyle obviously liked smart women, seeing as how he thought she was a college student with serious career aspirations and all.

  She’d just changed into the yellow Earth Day tank top and gray knit shorts she slept in when she heard a tap on her bedroom door.

  “Yeah,” she said. “Come in.”

  The door opened. “Hey, sweetie, you ready for bed?” her mom asked.

  “What does it look like?” Savannah said, moving her laptop from her bed to her desk in a show of being finished with it. She knew that once her mom left the room, she could play guitar or make a phone call or open up the computer again without any fear of being interrupted. Her mom was nothing if not predictable; once she said good night, Savannah wouldn’t see her again until the next morning. Some kids might take much better advantage of this predictability than she ever had—sneaking out, for example, or sneaking someone in. She never did that kind of thing, never had a reason to, before.

  Her mom sat on the side of the bed. “You’re such a wise guy. What does it look like? It looks like you’re ready to race sled dogs in the Iditarod. But I think maybe a good night’s sleep is in order first.”