“Carlee, I love you so much,” he whispered in her ear.
“I love you too, Matthew.” She pushed him back a bit to look at him and he put his hands on her face, drawing her to him for a kiss.
“It’s gonna be alright, Matthew. I promise.”
“Don’t make a promise to me that you can’t keep, Carlee.”
“I promise,” she said again. “I feel it in my gut, Matthew, and my psych professor told us to always go with our gut.”
He kissed her bare belly and said, “I love your gut Carlee Davis. We better get outta here, this shower thing is turning me on, and I don’t know if I can escape without Hatchet noticing,” he laughed. He wrapped her in the towel and dried her hair the best he could before pushing the button for the nurse.
The aide returned, and they got Carlee back in the bed as Matthew dressed. He walked down the hall to invite Andy and Geni back to the room.
“Oh, that was glorious!” she said when they were all together. “We take simple things for granted. I think I will look at a shower much differently going forward,” she winked and smiled at Matthew.
~ ~ ~
Later, the nurse returned to the room. “Ready?” she asked.
Andy watched Carlee intently because he knew that look, saw the wheels turning and the scrunched up nose. She had something major on her mind. She’d seemed distracted as she dried her hair and was brushing it into smoother long locks.
“I’ve thought about this a lot, and now I have a favor to ask. I waited because I want you to help me,” she said to Geni.
“Sure. What is it?” Geni asked.
“Hatchet…”
The nurse handed Geni an envelope.
Andy and Matthew looked at her questioningly.
“You’ll see,” she told them. “Open it.”
Inside, there was another envelope, a hair tie and a pair of scissors.
“Hand me the hair tie, please. Matthew, will you help me?”
Carlee leaned forward, slowly. Gently, Hatchet helped her pull the hair forward. She brushed through it once more for Carlee and handed Matthew the hair tie. He slipped it on, making a ponytail on top of her head where the nurse indicated.
“Thank you.” Slowly, Carlee sat up, “Head rush!” she smiled at the nurse.
“Get your breath, be still a minute,” Hatchet told her.
“OK Geni, here goes!”
“Here goes what?” she asked, cautiously.
“Cut it off…”
“What?”
“My ponytail - cut it off. If you can’t do it, Hatchet will.” Both Carlee and the nurse laughed. “There’s gonna be this big patch that has to re-grow and it’s just gonna be in the way in the morning. It’s just time. Cut it off!”
Matthew, Andy, and Geni all sat with their mouths open.
“Geni, think about a child who can get a wig from this. Cut it off. Just do it!”
“Are you sure?” she asked apprehensively.
“It’s hair. My beauty is more than this mass of reddish curls,” she laughed.
“Yes, it is,” Matthew said, kissing her. He got his phone ready to take pictures, wishing she’d given him an idea so he could have had his camera with him.
Geni took the scissors as the nurse held the ponytail above Carlee’s head. Tears ran down her cheeks as Geni cut just above the hair tie. Matthew was rapidly snapping picture after picture. Geni was thinking a dozen different thoughts. Finally, the ponytail was in the nurse’s hand. She took a plastic bag from the envelope and sealed the ponytail up and stuck it all in the manila envelope. It was addressed to Wigs for Kids.
Carlee rustled through what remained with her fingers. It was curlier than before, the weight from the length no longer weighing it down. It skimmed just above her jaw in length. She opened the tray on the table by her bed, and flipped the mirror up to look. “A-dor-able!” she said with a happy laugh.
Andy looked at her, smiling as he fought back tears, the curlier hair reminding him of that little girl he fell in love with.
Geni was crying, not just tears rolling down her cheeks, but full-out crying. She sat on the edge of the bed and hugged Carlee.
~ ~ ~
Matthew stayed with her that night, once again squeezing into the hospital bed beside her. He wrapped her in his arms, and they stayed like that the whole night.
Chapter Six
On Wednesday morning at 5:30, they came to take her to the operating room. Andy and Geni were there to see her before the surgery, and Andy was struggling to keep his emotions in check. When they started to wheel her away he stopped them. He took her hand and held it, afraid to let go. Finally, he leaned to kiss her cheek and whispered in her ear, “I love you, sweet girl.”
“Right back at ya, Papa.”
Matthew walked with her as far as they would let him go, holding her hand the entire journey to the operating room doors.
“Matthew, I love you,” she said.
“To the moon and back,” he said and squeezed her hand. “Remember, you promised me…”
“I’ll see you later,” she told him in a voice that quivered with trepidation. He kissed her and watched as they wheeled her through the heavy white doors.
~ ~ ~
She was in surgery for over four hours. Matthew and Andy practically walked a hole in the carpet, pacing, waiting for the doctor to bring them news. Finally, around eleven, Dr. Lincoln came to the waiting room.
“She’s fine, resting. What we removed was close to the bone, in the top of her head. We didn’t have to go very deep. As I told you earlier, it was clearly defined; we’ll wait for a final pathology report, but I feel certain that it’s not cancerous and that we got it all. There’s always the possibility that tumorous cells remain. It looks worse than it is,” he smiled.
“We’ll meet with the oncologist tomorrow afternoon, after she reviews the pathology reports. Carlee will probably sleep ‘til morning. You can go in and see her, but you should really go home and get some rest yourselves.”
Matthew went into the room first. He saw the bandage on her head and held his breath. It did look big and extremely overwhelming. He leaned to her and kissed her cheek. “I’ll be here when you open your eyes,” he whispered in her ear.
Finally, Andy and Geni came in. He took Geni’s hand and held it as he stroked Carlee’s. They didn’t stay long; Andy couldn’t.
“I love you, Carlee,” Matthew told her and left to go home for a little while.
~ ~ ~
Reluctantly, the three of them went back to the flat. Geni fixed something for dinner, and after they ate, Matthew showered and went back to the hospital. He’d called Hatchet three times already, and decided that he couldn’t stay away. Geni and Andy cleaned up the kitchen, and then went to the living room and sat on the sofa.
“After I know she’s OK, I need to go home for a few days. I need clothes. I need to see the girls and let Thomas and Brian know what’s going on. I’ll come back, but I need to go,” Geni told him.
“How long will you be gone?” he asked, dreading her reply.
“Just a few days. I want to come back, Andy,” she said. “Quickly. I don’t need to be there long. I want to be here too.”
“Can you go to my place? I need some things as well,” he paused, and she could visualize the thoughts in his head zipping by at warp speed. “I can’t leave. I can’t leave her, Geni.”
“I know,” she said patting his arm.
“You could go there first. Take my car from the airport, and then take it to Jacksonville, and fly back from there. I’ll take care of the ticket.”
“I can do whatever you need,” she reassured him.
In the bed, Andy pulled her into his arms and kissed her.
“Good night, Andy. Rest,” she told him. But he didn’t let her go.
~ ~ ~
It was that place somewhere between unconscious and awake – that place where things are dreamy and a haze seems to surround you. Carlee could feel hersel
f trying to wake up, but nothing seemed to cooperate. She lay still, and slowly her eyes fluttered open. She tried to look around, tried to realize her surroundings, but her head felt heavy, like a lead ball… She closed her eyes, and her mind began to wander. The words to the first chapter of “Rock and Roll Never Forgets,” came to her mind. She’d read the words many times and knew them by heart…
Beth lay awake, alone in her thoughts, finally alone. She was on her side, looking around, not really seeing anything but the wall across the room. It was quiet except for the whir of the air conditioning.
It was late afternoon, and there was no light on to illuminate the room. From the window, she could see outside. The late September sky was dusky, the sun was setting below the window level, and the room was gray. She thought about how appropriate the color gray was. There was no black and white now, there was just that place in between. ‘Gray,’ she thought.
She closed her eyes for a moment, allowing her mind to drift away. As it did, it took her a million different places - a lifetime of places…
Carlee found herself feeling happy; she could see the field of daisies and hear her mama’s laughter as they sat, waiting for the photographer to hurry and get the shot. She inhaled and smelled the perfume Beth always wore, L'Air du Temps, and remembered that she still had the bottle on her dresser at home. Home, in London, not in Florida…
She felt her mama so strongly as she lay there. And then, she wondered and worried…
Is this how she felt when she awakened from her surgery so long ago? Was she as frightened as I feel? Will my life change today as hers did?
She seemed to smell a familiar scent and somehow knew that Matthew was there.
Will Matthew still love me? Will I be able to care for the children that I pray we will have someday? Crazy, I know…but will I look different?
And then she prayed…
God, please tell me everything will be OK…. tell me I will be whole, and tell me I’ll still be me… tell me that I will be able to see and enjoy butterflies and the light-scent of the calla lilies again as I always have. It’s my connection to her.
And suddenly, like a soft whisper, she felt the comfort of a mother’s love and drifted back to sleep.
~ ~ ~
The next morning, Matthew was beside her bed, waiting in the recliner when Carlee opened her eyes. “Hey, beautiful,” he said as she blink-blink-blinked to force them open.
“What’s this?” she asked placing her hand over the oxygen mask that covered half her face. It was that sleep-raspy voice that he loved, and he thought there couldn’t be a happier sound to him.
“Oxygen and something they call an NG tube,” he answered, as he rose from the chair to kiss her forehead. “How do you feel… your head, I mean?”
“I’m not sure… like I have tubes and hoses coming from everywhere,” she told him with a weak smile. “I gotta pee.”
“No, you just think you do. There’s a hose there too,” he grinned. “You can’t be moving around so you have a catheter,” he told her as he gently, lovingly, stroked her hair.
“I knew you were here,” she sighed the words. “I smelled you in the middle of the night.
“You smelled me?” he asked, smiling down at her.
“I can’t explain it, Matthew; I just knew.” She closed her eyes a moment, thinking. “Mama was here too.”
“Somehow, I knew she would be.”
There was a light knock on the door, and Hatchet stuck her head in. “Well if the princess ain’t awake!”
“Did you get locked in last night?” Carlee said with a light laugh.
“Oh! She’s awake and alert! That’s what the doc likes to hear!” Hatchet exclaimed as she entered the room pushing a cart. “You look good, and no, I wasn’t locked in. Actually, I went home late, and returned early just to torment you. You’re a lucky girl to have me; just ask the hubby-bub here!”
“They wanted to put you in ICU, but since Hatchet volunteered to be your one-on-one caregiver and keep you in line, you got to stay in your room,” Matthew explained.
“I’m glad to see you,” Carlee said. “What time is it?”
“And I you. It’s almost six.” Hatchet said with a tender smile. She checked Carlee’s blood pressure, took her temperature, and then checked her oxygen. “Let’s see what we’ve got going on here. First of all, Doc said this can go; your oxygen levels have been good all night. We’ll keep an eye on it by the thing on your finger, but for now we can take this away.” She eased the mask off Carlee’s face.
Hatchet turned and poured a small amount of water from a pitcher that she’d brought into the room with her. “Try some water for me,” she said sticking a straw in the cup and holding it to Carlee’s lips. As soon as the liquid trickled down her throat, Carlee immediately gagged. “Well, no liquids just now. The nose hose has to stay a bit longer.”
With the oxygen mask gone, Matthew leaned to kiss her.
She held up a hand to stop him. “Swish, rinse, spit,” she said in a soft voice. “My mouth tastes like a swamp.”
Hatchet dug through the drawer beside her bed to find a lemon glycerin swab. “Run this around in there and then you can kiss your prince.”
Carlee did as instructed and then reached for him. “Now kiss me,” she said, and he obliged.
Hatchet pulled a spare chair beside the bed to talk to her. “Everything looks good, really good, Carlee. They removed the mass and sent it off for biopsy. The tumor was well-defined as Doc said, so he has positive feelings about it all. You’ll meet with the oncologist sometime this afternoon. Dr. Lincoln has already been in to check on you. It will be either him or his Physician’s Assistant, Troy Black, every half-hour or so for a bit. I will be your greatest annoyance - watching and checking on you every ten to fifteen minutes; this was the arrangement to keep you out of ICU. If it’s not me, it’ll be another nurse, a friend who I work closely with; her name is Rena. Any questions?”
“Not yet,” Carlee replied. “My brain can’t think too hard right now.” She lay back in the pillow and closed her eyes.
“If you need me, call me, I’ll be right here,” Hatchet said and left them.
~ ~ ~
After she was gone, Matthew scooted the chair close and took her hand. She closed her eyes and rested a minute. Matthew’s hand caressed hers; he gently lifted it to his cheek and held it there.
“That feels nice. Can’t you just crawl up here with me?” she asked.
“Hatchet said maybe later, but not now. I asked,” he laughed. “She said you have to lie there really still; you’re not to be moving around, and your head has to remain at that angle for a while.”
“Can we open the tray thing?” she asked hesitantly.
He knew there was a mirror there. “Sure, but before we do, I want to tell you that it looks way worse than it is.” He rose from the chair and pulled the tray table toward her. Lifting the tabletop to allow the mirror to appear, he tilted the mirror so she could see. With great apprehension, she looked at the image before her.
“Lovely…” She took a big, deep breath, and a tear trickled down her cheek. “It’s huge.” The bandage was considerable. Her fingers traced the lines on her cheeks where the oxygen mask had rested, and with a light finger she lifted and dropped the hose in her nose.
“The bandage is bigger than the actual cut. Some of that is padding,” he replied.
There was a tube that appeared to come out of the bandage, and she asked, “What’s the hose?”
“Hatchet said it’s a drain for any fluid near your brain to keep it from building up.”
“Fluid – that’s nice for the gunk.”
“It is,” Matthew smiled at her. “They decided to do IV for pain, something very mild, because I guess they need to know if it hurts or if you get any headaches or feel any kind of pressure. Does it hurt?”
“I don’t think so. I feel it, but not like pain, just like I know it’s there.”
“You still hav
e the steroids and an IV of the stuff to keep you from being sick at your stomach. There’s a drip to give you nourishment. Hatchet said nothing solid to eat today.”
She settled back into the pillow. Quiet for a bit, Matthew noticed that she had dozed off again.
~ ~ ~
She woke as the Physician’s Assistant entered the room.
“Troy Black,” he said introducing himself to Carlee, checking monitors and the drain from her head. “Met Matthew in the middle of the night. How are you feeling?” he asked.
Hatchet entered, and the PA stepped aside to allow her to check Carlee’s vitals as he spoke with her. “Any headache? Pressure? Nausea?” he went through his checklist, and Carlee answered no to each question.
He checked the container that collected the contents from the drain from the incision. “Well, everything is looking good. Do you have any questions?” he inquired.
“Not yet,” Carlee replied.
The two exited the room, leaving Carlee and Matthew alone again. She turned to look at him and tried to sit up.
“No, be still. What is it?” he asked.
“Can you call your mom please? I need to ask her something before they come.”
He looked at his watch, it was just after 7:30, and he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed. “Good morning; hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Oh no, we’re ready to leave soon. Andy’s been up since six, and he’s like a cat in a room full’a rocking chairs, anxious to get the hell out of here,” she laughed. “How’s it going there?”
Feel Like Makin' Love (Rock and Roll Trilogy #3) Page 8
