Hint of Desire (The Desire Series)

by Lavinia Kent

  For the first time he turned to face her. His face showed an absolute lack of emotion or feeling. “I’ll have Jeffers make the arrangements for you to stay for the month.”

  Then Arthur pivoted on his heel and left the room.

  Arthur paused on the other side of the door, resisting the urge to collapse against it.

  For a moment, he’d felt himself a hero as he stood at the base of the stairs. He would protect her from the flashes of fear he’d seen reflected in her eyes.

  But, protect her from what? St. Aubin appeared pleasant enough. He could not remember ever hearing poorly of the man. There was no logical reason to prevent her departure, and he would not tolerate a breech in logic. He had reacted on instinct in arranging for her to stay the month. It went against everything he had been taught. He was not a man of impulse, driven by physical needs.

  If he examined the situation with cold sagacity there was only one reasonable conclusion. He had no rights, no place. St. Aubin was the one with standing. There was only one thing to do.

  He knew she’d thought him cold to announce so calmly that she must return to Marclyffe, but it was the only possible solution. He had given in to momentary whimsy in allowing her to stay further. He would not indulge himself further.

  What Lily had not seen was that standing there, staring out the window, without seeing, he’d felt an unsettling urge to tell her she could stay forever.

  Blast. This is what came from giving in to emotion, from starting to care.

  Chapter Six

  “Oh, my lady, what happened to your hand? However did you manage to get those bruises? They look almost like fingerprints. But that’s too silly of me. You must have bumped something. Don’t think I don’t see how tired you get staying up at night to care for the babe. I don’t know why Nanny lets you. And his grace should really be taking better care of you, too. Now, hush love, don’t shake like that. I’ll go get some gloves and nobody will ever know. You’ll need to take them off to eat, but perhaps nobody will notice. Don’t worry I’ll have you looking fresh and pretty in no time. That’s what Gertrude’s for; yes, that’s what Gertrude’s for. If my mum told me once, she told me a hundred times. ‘Gertrude, you never tell a lady when she has a flaw. You just fix it.’ Yes, that’s what I should have done.

  “Now where can I get you gloves? I know you don’t have any fine ones. I’d get some from the attics, but there’s not time to freshen them. Never mind that, I think Elise, she’s the new chambermaid, she got something pretty from the tinker last time he came by. Nothing fancy, mind you. But I think they’ll do. Let me just run off and check.”

  With a flurry of petticoats Gertrude left, and Lily could finally draw a breath of her own. She’d never realized how exhausting it could be to listen to somebody else talk.

  A wan face peered back at her from the mirror. Her eyes looked large and damp, and the end of her nose shone red and swollen. No other color marked her face; even her lips were slightly gray. The dark marks that Gertrude had mentioned marked her palm. Had St. Aubin’s grasp been that hard? She couldn’t remember. He must not have realized. She pinched her cheeks, trying to draw color, before letting her hands fall listless into her lap. It didn’t matter. In a few weeks she would be on her way back to Marclyffe, far from giggling maids who, in other circumstances, could almost have made her feel young.

  Still, there was nothing to fear. Worthington was gone and nobody knew the truth. Everything would be fine, she just needed to keep telling herself that.

  The door opened again.

  “Do you have time for the young mister? He’s begun to squawk and let me know he wants his belly filled.” Nanny hustled in, a squirming Simon on her shoulder.

  “Of course.” Lily took her baby and let his warmth seep into her. She breathed his fresh talcum scent and rubbed his head under her chin, savoring in its soft down.

  “I hear that your husband’s brother came to visit.”

  Lily looked up from the baby. “Yes, St. Aubin called.”

  “I hadn’t realized that you’d married Worthington. Your family name was never mentioned. Servants gossip. I’ve heard stories about him. It doesn’t sound pleasant.”

  “Not pleasant.” Lily gave a humorless titter, upsetting the baby who protested mildly before settling. “It certainly could never have been described as pleasant.”

  Nanny moved behind her and picked up the brush Gertrude had abandoned. She tapped it once on her palm and then ran it through Lily’s locks. Lily bent her head back at the unexpected comfort.

  “If my lady should care to unburden herself, I will keep a confidence or two.”

  Lily glanced through the mirror into Nanny’s understanding eyes. She sucked in a breath. Temptation. Even the thought of spilling her secrets brought relief.

  “It wasn’t bad. I learned to be invisible. Sometimes I began to wonder if I really existed.”

  Nanny continued to run the brush through her long hair. She paused in her brushing, holding a single strand still. Then she spoke, “You always were good at being a silent mouse.”

  They were both quiet then. Lily wanted to say more, but fought the urge. She leaned her head back into Nanny’s brushing, relishing the small luxury.

  “And Westlake wants me to go back. I know Worthington’s gone, but still the memories . . .”

  “Did you tell him everything? If he knew who you are, what you have been through, I can’t believe my boy would –”

  “No, he mustn’t know. I cannot tell him everything – how it ended. I don’t know why you haven’t told him yet, about my being here before, about who my mother was, but he can’t know now.”

  “It was not my place to tell him, but if you’d give his grace a chance . . . .”

  “No, I’ve lied to him so much, I fear his knowing how much deeper was my deception would only – well, he doesn’t’ trust me now; he knows I’ve lied to him. Why would learning more of the truth change his mind? He told me once, all those years ago, that nothing was more important than family honor and obedience. Why should I suppose he’d believe differently now? I cannot let Simon’s future rest on a man I know longer know.”

  Nanny exhaled deeply as she continued to run the brush through Lily’s hair. “I still think if you told him that –”

  “I’ve got them.” Gertrude burst in to the room. “They’re not the perfect shade for that dress, but I can make it do. Oh. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

  Gertrude hesitated in the doorway.

  Nanny put the brush down on the dressing table. “It’s time for me to get this little lad back to the nursery. I’ll settle him and then Sally can watch him while I eat. We’ll have a most pleasant evening, and so should you. We can talk more later.”

  Taking Simon from Lily’s arms, Nanny walked to the door. She turned and looked back at Lily. “He’s a good man. Give him time and he’ll do what’s right.”

  After Nanny left Gertrude fluttered around the room for a moment as if unable to settle. Lily looked at her in question.

  “Some man’s been asking the other maids about you,” Gertrude finally spit out. “He wants to know what time his grace arrived here with you after the baby was born.”

  Lily froze, staring down at her hands. “Do you know who he is?”

  “No, but Elise thought he might work for Sir Drake who’s the newly appointed Magistrate.”

  Lily fought to show no reaction. Nobody could know how those words cut into her. “It’s not surprising. I am sure they are required to look into Worthington’s death – to find his attackers. Come now and help with my hair.”

  Gertrude was immediately all bustle. “We do want you look pretty. I’ll curl your hair so it frames your face and draws attention up and away from that plain dress. Oh, this does look pretty. You really do have the most lovely hair. It has such a nice curl and it stays however I brush it. Have you put lemon juice in it? I bet it would bring that bit of gold out even more. I’ve never seen such a golden shimmer
in such dark hair.”

  Lily just let the words flow by her. It was so much easier to listen passively to the ceaseless prattle than to think and participate. The magistrate. Why was he asking about her? Just stay calm, nobody could know the truth. She closed her eyes against the image St. Aubin and a golden room gleaming in the air. She could not give in to Nanny’s advice. She could not afford to trust.

  Each question would lead to another, and on to those questions she could not answer with out betraying herself, and Simon.

  Reaching up, she pulled a loose a curl. She pasted a smile on her face, and with a last “thank you” to Gertrude, proceeded downstairs to dinner. She would not let Arthur see her distress.

  “Of course, you were right. She has to go back. Don’t see what other choice is open to you. It’s not like you have a relationship with the girl. She’ll be much happier once she’s settled with St. Aubin. He’s a good looking man. Pity he’s her brother-in-law or you never know . . . not a bad idea that.”

  It was on those words Lily entered the dining room and found herself facing the thinnest, stiffest, most pinched lady she could ever remember seeing. The woman turned and stared back. Lily could feel the evaluation taking place. She could only hope that none of inner torment showed.

  The lady then turned back to Arthur. “You didn’t mention she was pretty. But, knowing you I should have guessed. It does explain things.”

  Arthur rose. “Lady Worthington, my aunt, Lady Smythe-Burke.” He nodded from one to the other.

  “I am pleased to make your acquaintance,” Lily said.

  “About time too.” The lady said nodding but remaining in her seat. “I don’t know what my nephew was thinking of. If he’d explained in more detail I’d have come sooner. Burberry’s place isn’t far. Pity his wife wasn’t there, visiting her sister or some such person. He’s not doing well. Thought once the daughter was born he’d come around, but even miracles only last so long. Not what I was talking about though.” She addressed Arthur. “Why didn’t you describe the situation more fully? Not like you at all.”

  Lady Smythe-Burke turned back to Lily. “Always did everything just right. Never made a mistake. Boy to make a father proud. Not that his father was ever proud of anything besides himself. Doesn’t make sense that he didn’t observe the proprieties.”

  Arthur was silent through the monologue and Lily’s mind had frozen on one statement. Burberry lived nearby. Could it be the same Admiral Lord Burberry under whom her father had served? The man who’d gone out of his way to promise her mother help? How could she not have known this past year of the possibility of sanctuary? Maybe, there was yet hope.

  “. . . pretty face. But, that’s no excuse.” Lady Smythe-Burke was still speaking. “Hear there’s a child. I always did adore an infant. Granted they belong in the nursery, but they make a nice armful on occasion and there’s no picture as pretty as a mother with babe in arms. Have you considered having a portrait done? No, of course not. Don’t know what I am thinking. Still, you’d make a lovely picture. St. Aubin’s a good looking chap, too. Westlake and I were just discussing the matter. You’ll make an attractive family. Pity about the relationship, a girl like you must appreciate a good looking man. Still, too confusing for the infant – father or uncle, cousin or brother. Such a mess. Still, it’s a pity and there have certainly been stranger relationships. What do you think? I remember Lady Maude James who married three brothers in a row. Never had children, though.”

  “I think we’d better move conversation back to the present. Lady Worthington, let me help you to your seat so that dinner can be served.” Arthur spoke as if nothing his aunt had said held any import, but his scar stood white against his skin.

  Lily slipped into her seat. She let the remaining conversation slip past her, grateful that she need not reply. Her mind was still spinning with thoughts of the magistrates and now there might be a solution other than returning to Marclyffe. Burberry and salvation might be only miles away.

  “She appears hardly more than a child.”

  Arthur turned to face his aunt. Lily had retired after dinner and he was left alone with Lady Smythe-Burke. He placed his brandy on the desk and stood.

  “She’s not a child.”

  “I realize that, but that small delicate appearance might well bring out a man’s protective instincts.”

  “I know my duties.”

  “But what about your desires?”

  He swallowed, but allowed himself no other response.

  Lady Smythe-Burke was not intimidated by silence. “Not going to answer me? Probably safest that way. Why commit yourself if you don’t have to? It’s of no consequence anyway. You’re obliged to send her home. Only proper thing to do.”

  “I know.”

  “Do you? She is a young woman of apparent good family. Even given the circumstances, the rumor of how long she was here alone could be her ruin. It is unlike you to make such an error. Let her husband’s brother take care of her. I haven’t heard that many disagreeable things about him. It’s not as if you have any legal responsibility for her – or any desire for such. Well, I must off to bed. A woman of my years needs her rest.”

  She turned and left the room as Arthur held his silence. Only once she had gone did a long sigh escape his lips.

  For the next week Lily managed to avoid both of them. She needed to learn more about Admiral Lord Burberry before she could make further plans and until she did she would keep to herself. She could not risk facing further question. Avoiding Arthur had proved easy. His schedule held firm and as long as she breakfasted late and avoided passing his study she was safe. Dinner proved more of a difficulty, but nobody had yet challenged her claims of fatigue and headache. She ate each meal on a tray in her room and plotted her possible escape.

  Avoiding her chaperone was not so easy. Lady Smythe-Burke had a talent for already occupying any room Lily planned to enter. On most occasions Lily could sneak about without indulging in her desire to enjoy her tea in the sunny parlor or browsing along the long shelves of tempting volumes in the library. Lily felt almost as though she were reliving the long-ago game of her childhood, seeing how long she could remain invisible to the others. But, on some occasions – like this one – Lady Smythe-Burke’s pointed gaze would grab her and hold her firm.

  “How long do you intend to be cool to my nephew?”

  Lady Smythe-Burke’s question caught Lily before she could slip back from the door.

  Lily faltered. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Don’t play coy with me, child. It’s clear you’ve been shunning him to the best of your abilities. I don’t see what possible argument you could have against him. He’s done nothing but care for you far beyond the normal call of his duty. Can’t think why he’d show such attention and care, can you?”

  Lily ignored the question and addressed the first part of the statement. “Of course, you are correct, my lady. He does fulfill his duty. I don’t know why you should assume that I am angry.”

  Lady Smythe-Burke turned a silent glare, every bit as eloquent as her nephew’s. It was the first occasion all week that Lily observed the lady keeping silence.

  Lily finally spoke, “You must mistake my manner. I am merely nervous of returning to Marclyffe.”

  “Of what have you to be nervous? It’s a lovely house. I attended several parties there in my youth. Of course it was such a pity that the main line died out and the title passed to your husband’s father – not top drawer at all. Still I am sure that you were happy enough married to an earl. Not something a girl would complain of, is it?” Lady Smythe-Burke caught her again in that piercing glance that seemed to see through her.

  Lily did not answer.

  “Well,” Lady Smythe-Burke continued, “If you have no complaints then I’d have thought you’d be happier about returning to your home, and returning your son to his lands. To be sure, if you didn’t want to go back or had problems you needed help with, no doubt you’d be cleverer
about it than to antagonize Westlake. Surely, even a young thing like you would know her way around a man better than to avoid him for a week.

  “Now run back to the nursery or wherever it is you disappear to. I can see you’re ready to scamper off again. I do expect you to bring the young lad down later in the afternoon. He’s a delightful armful. I was afraid he’d keep me up half the night with his screaming, but somebody always seems to comfort him on the first yell. Never thought I’d see Westlake walking the halls with a baby at his shoulder. You know your son has your mother’s eyes. Now, she was of good stock.”

  Lily paused for a minute at those words and then turned and fled, her mind racing up the stairs ahead of her. How could Lady Smythe-Burke know about her mother? She was so tired of tracking secrets and trying to understand who knew what.

  Lily suppressed the urge to pace. Every day seemed to bring a new worry. First, the fear of returning to Marclyffe, then the magistrate’s man, and now Lady Smythe-Burke knew something. Lily didn’t know why it was so important that Arthur not make the connection between the quiet, brave girl she’d been all those years ago, and the tentative woman she had become, but the fear of that revelation sliced into her soul.

  Lily stared at the additional vase of ruby blossoms. Why did that blasted man keep sending her flowers? Despite Lady Smythe-Burke’s words, Lily wanted to ignore him. She had to plot her escape if the magistrate came, to decide if she could bring Simon back to Maryclyffe, to decide if she dared trust Burberry. She knew her mother had, but men could turn so quickly. She’d been tempted to trust Arthur to be her hero, but he was not the sweet prince she remembered.

  She glanced at the flowers again.