If It Ain't About the Money

by Saundra

  “Well, good luck on your search. Now move away from Penny!” I shouted. But Jackie didn’t budge. I tried to reach around her to pull Penny out of her reach, but she blocked me. Frustrated, I tried to pull Jackie out of Penny’s face; that’s when I could tell her face was red on the left side. I knew then that Jackie had slapped her. Just like she like she had done time and time again. Rage took over. I was tired of the hitting. It had to stop.

  I shoved Jackie so hard she stumbled back, almost falling over, but she threw her arms out sloppily and tried to catch her balance. I rushed over to her and put my finger in her face. “Why you put your fucking hands on Penny?” I demanded. “Huh? Why the fuck you have to hit her?” Penny grabbed both my arms from behind and start pulling me away. Now steady on her feet, Jackie quickly ran up on me.

  “Who do you think you are, Secret? You think you tough now? Huh,” she barked. “Don’t you ever put your hands on me, girl! I will fuckin’ end you.” Spit flew out of her mouth and landed in midair. The smell of liquor poured from her skin. As usual, she was overly drunk; that was the backstory to her stupid-ass money hunt. She reached out and tried to push me down. I pushed her back in resistance.

  “Stop, y’all. Please stop it,” Penny screamed and cried at the same time. Jackie and I continued to tussle. I did everything in my power to keep from striking her. Finally, pushing her away from me, I ran over to check on Penny. She fell to the floor with grief. Looking at Penny’s red, swollen face, I realized for the first time in my life I had had enough; this was it.

  “Get up, Penny,” I demanded as I stood up first, then reached for her trembling hand. I turned to Jackie. She was breathing so hard she was almost out of breath. “Penny and I are leaving. And I mean for good. This will be the last time you ever put your hands on either one of us again.” I stared her down with disgust.

  “Hah,” Jackie laughed. “Leaving, where the hell do you think you going? Don’t nobody else want you.” I guessed that was some type of damage control. “Last time I checked didn’t nobody do shit for either of you but me.” For that lie I could have laughed.

  “Come on, Penny, grab a few things.” I decided not to respond to her; entertaining her would only be a waste of breath. Arguing and going back and forth with her only fueled her fire. Whenever she got that drink in her, only one of two things could happen. She could pass out, which was scary, because you didn’t know if she was alive or dead. Or two, she could remain awake and wreak havoc on us. This was number two. So whenever she was passed out drunk, we took turns watching her just to be sure she was still breathing. After all, she was still our mother. But at this point I didn’t feel anything toward her but hate and resentment.

  “Go ahead and leave then!” she yelled from the hallway. “You’ll be back. Who else gon’ take care of your ungrateful asses?” While we were in the bedroom, each throwing things into a bag, she could still be heard rambling nonsense. “So go right ahead don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you,” she sang in her drunken tone.

  Each of us with a bag in our hand, we stepped past her in the hallway where she was still sitting on one knee. But I paused for a minute and looked her in the eyes. There was something I needed to make clear. “Jackie, you have never taken care of us. And after today you won’t have to.” I nodded my head at Penny signaling her to follow me and we made our grand exit. It was now or never, us against the world. I was eighteen, which meant legally I was an adult. I had to take Penny up outta there before she ended up in foster care. Not once but twice had CPS been to our home because of Jackie’s drinking and apparent abuse. Each time we were lucky they didn’t take us. Not lucky that we got to stay with Jackie, but lucky that CPS hadn’t dragged us off to the system and separated us. We had heard about it happening all the time. I feared the next time they came out it might be a wrap. They would take Penny. All we had was each other, and I could not let that happen. From now on, I was our guardian.

  Chapter 4

  Isis

  “Are you okay? Because you look really tired.” I noticed the exhausted look on Mrs. Tate’s face as soon as I walked into the kitchen. She was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee.

  With her right hand, she slowly rubbed her left shoulder. “I’m fine. Just a little tired. I baked all those cakes for the church last night, remember? That kept me up most of the night. I ain’t no spring chicken no more.” She gave a weak grin.

  “I had forgot about that. Well, now you can get some rest. And tell Pastor Fist the next time he needs all those cakes to call Martha Stewart,” I joked, opening the fridge to retrieve a bottle of water.

  “I think I’ll do just that,” she cosigned. We both knew she would never do that; when it came to that church, Tree of Life, she would go above and beyond. Even if that meant overdoing it, there was no stopping her; never once had I heard her utter the word “no” to them. “What are you up to today?” she asked, then slowly sipped from her cup. I could see the steam rising from the coffee mug.

  “Out to meet up with Secret to have our nails done. Can I use the car?” I don’t know why it was taking me so long to cop a whip, but that would be my next move. It was a must: I had to have my own car. Besides, it would keep me out of hers.

  “Of course. I’m done for the day. I don’t want to be leaving the house again; this Miami traffic gets more vile by the day. Back in my day people drove as if to enjoy their automobiles. Now, everybody is just in a rush to be nowhere. Sometimes I consider hiring a driver.” She gave me another feeble smile.

  “I know. Everyone just seems to be full of road rage. Except me, though.” I chuckled, knowing I was sometimes guilty of what she accused.

  “You better behave.” I noticed again that her smile was a bit weak.

  “Can I get you anything before I head out?” I couldn’t help but be concerned. I wasn’t used to her sitting down. In the past four years since I had been placed with Mrs. Tate, she was always up, moving around nonstop, and full of chit chatter. At sixty years old, she had more energy than a thirty-year-old. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually witnessed her sit down to enjoy her coffee. Most days she drank it during the hustle and bustle of her daily household chores or doing errands for others.

  “No, baby. I’m fine. Go on, and I’ll see you at dinner tonight. We’re having oven cooked pot roast and grilled cheese, so don’t spoil it eating fast food,” she warned me. I had a habit of picking up fast food whenever I was out and got hungry.

  “I promise I won’t.” I smiled. In the hallway I seized the car keys from the key rack. I waited until I was halfway down the block before I turned up “I’m a Flirt” with R. Kelly, T-Pain, and T.I. Mrs. Tate always fussed about me playing loud music when driving; she said it was a distraction. And with that I did not agree, so I tried not to get caught. We only had one car, so when I was gone, she was home. The only way she could catch me would be if a friend or church member rolled up on me, or if I forgot to turn it down when I pulled up to the house. But I had trained myself to never forget, and so far I had been successful. Loud music was my vibe when I hit the block. I could not wait to meet up with my girl Secret. Secret and I were more like sisters than best friends. We grew up together. We lived directly across the street from each other until I was placed in foster care.

  Our lives were somewhat similar, but different. While my mother was a habitual thief, she cared for me, loved me even. She made sure I had the things I needed to survive. Secret and her younger sister, Penny, on the other hand—their mother was a drunk who beat and neglected them all the time. It was my mom who provided Secret and Penny with clothes and shoes when she was free. She had also fed them when she could. But truth be told, both our households came with their share of trials and tribulations that I would not wish on my enemy.

  Pulling into Pretty Nails, I found an empty parking space with no hassle, which most times was hard to do. I turned off the ignition and made my way inside. Observing the faces in the n
ail shop, I didn’t see Secret anywhere. I pulled out my cell to dial her number, and just as I hit talk she strolled in with a smile spread across her lips.

  “I was just about to give you the business. You know I hate to wait,” I scolded her for slight revenge. Normally it was me running behind, but today was her day to get fussed at. I was enjoying every moment of it.

  “Really, Isis? I swear you petty. I’m like a minute late.” She glanced at the time on her cell phone. “Yep, you petty,” she repeated with a grin. “But I ain’t even tryin’ to hear that.”

  Mae, one of the nail technicians, asked us what we were getting. We both replied, “A fill.” She gestured for both of us to have seats. I sat at Mae’s booth and Secret was right next to me with Sue. They were both good at what they did, which was a must. In the hood you could always find somewhere cheap to get your nails done. Unfortunately, the results were not always good. At Pretty Nails, though, they were on their shit, but they were always busy. You had to get in there early, like afternoons. So Secret and I made that our time to go whenever we shared a day off.

  “So how is the new apartment going?” I was so thrilled for Secret and Penny. Recently they had moved away from their mother, Jackie, and into their own apartment.

  Secret observed her nails as the technician removed the old polish. “Great. We’re loving it. Who wouldn’t love being away from Jackie? Shit, I would damn near sleep in a pothole on the street rather than live with her.” She gave a light chuckle. But I knew she meant exactly what she had said. “It ain’t Beverly Hills. But it’s cool for us.”

  “That’s all you guys need for now. You can look for another place when it’s time. Right now stability and feeling safe is what’s most important.”

  “Yeah, I know, and I have been working a bit of overtime to keep up with the few bills without being totally busted. But the shit is worth it, like I said; anything to be away from Jackie’s messed up ass. Now I can leave the house and not have to worry about Penny at home being terrorized if Jackie gets into one of her bullshit drunken moods. That unnecessary shit was becoming helter skelter.”

  “No doubt. You know I know what’s up,” I added. Jackie was a trip. I had witnessed her on many occasions in action. She had even flipped on me a few times during the years. Only she had never hit me. However, I had ducked a few blows that were aimed at Secret.

  “It’s just so fucked up that she chose an alcohol bottle over us, her own kids.” Secret shook her head side to side with disappointment. I knew that feeling. That’s exactly how I felt about my mother, Felicia. She had chosen her life as a thief over me. But she claimed it was all in the name of her love for me. My response to myself for that was simple: Fuck outta here.

  “How’s Penny doing? I know she got that soft spot for Jackie. She ain’t cryin’ to go back yet?”

  “She’s good. I don’t think she misses Jackie at all, but aye, I could be wrong. I will say the move has been good for her, though. Her grades are getting better. And she ain’t mad all the time. I’m telling you I made the right choice, and I ain’t never regretting that shit.” That was one thing I hundred percent agreed with her about. “Living here with Jackie was do or die. It was time for us to sleep tight and breathe without sucking in heat. Some people take peace for granted. But from now on I’m going to cherish it. Penny ain’t said so, but I’m sure she does, too.”

  “You definitely made the right choice. Something had to change and right away for both y’all sanity.” Their home life was affecting Penny the most; being the youngest, she was still somewhat tied to Jackie. She allowed Jackie to play on her emotions, whereas Secret’s guard was always up, so Jackie could never get close. “Is Jackie still calling you like a mad woman?”

  “Hell, no. I guess she finally got the message since I wouldn’t answer. Girl, she probably somewhere drunk, outta her mind right now. We’re over here straight, though. She can do whatever she likes. All I ask is that she leave Penny and me alone.”

  “Shit is crazy. I feel you, though.”

  “So what’s up with your birthday? Do you realize you about to be eighteen?” Secret was excited. I already knew what was on her mind. She loved to party.

  “Yeah,” I said calmly, with a slight smile. I was excited about my birthday, but with it being such a milestone, I felt as if something was missing. I just didn’t want to say what I thought was missing, mainly because I didn’t want to face it. So I ignored it and waited for the surprises that would surely come on my birthday. I didn’t know what they were, but I knew they would come.

  “Bitch, you don’t seem happy at all. Ugh. What’s up? Where the party gone be at?”

  I laughed out loud; just as I thought, she had party on her mind. “For real, though, I ain’t planned nothing. But I ain’t worried. I’m sure you’ll make sure I’m straight. People gon’ swear it’s yo birthday instead of mine.”

  “Damn right. Jell-O shots and more.” Secret snapped her fingers for reassurance and couldn’t stop beaming. Sue gently reached for her hand and placed it back under the gel light. “Wait, that’s if Mrs. Tate lets you out the house. You know she think shit ain’t safe. That lady don’t trust nothing, I swear.”

  “I know, right.” Mrs. Tate was real protective of me. Anyone would believe she was my biological mother. “But real talk, I think she’s doing something for me. I don’t know what, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she tried to take me on a trip or something.”

  “Man, I swear that would be messed up. But I can’t front, that’s what’s up? Well, just in that case, we need to celebrate tomorrow. I’m off work so I can throw a set at my crib. ’Cause we got to get it in.”

  “A’ight, I’m wit’ that. Just as long as you invite that fine-ass Steven over.”

  “You still psyched off that black-ass nigga?”

  “Shut up. Don’t be callin’ my future man names. It’s disrespectful.” I laughed.

  “Real talk, I got you, though. He’ll be there and that’s a promise. Any other special request?”

  “Nah, I’m good. Just make sure I enjoy myself and get some hot wings with carrots.”

  We sat and joked while Mae and Sue put the magic touch on our nails. Afterward, I decided to go home early and help Mrs. Tate with dinner. Originally, I had planned to do a little window shopping. But I figured I could help her with the grilled cheese, because she had really seemed tired when I left. I was so grateful to have her: she had kept her word when she told me all those years ago when I came to her that she would be there for me. I thanked God every day that no one had adopted me, because Mrs. Tate had been a lifesaver, and I could never thank her enough. To add to my delight was the fact that in two days I would turn eighteen, which meant I didn’t have to ever worry about being adopted by another family. While she had not told me what she had planned, Mrs. Tate had made it clear that we were going to celebrate and in style. I would be thrilled to find out her surprise.

  “I’m home,” I announced as I dropped the keys to Mrs. Tate’s Nissan Altima on one of the coffee tables in the living room, then headed to my room to take off my sandals. My feet were in the mood to feel something soft under them. I opened the top drawer on my dresser, which served as my sock drawer, and pulled out a pair of pink footies and slid them onto my feet one after the other. Wiggling my feet around the carpet, I suddenly realized Mrs. Tate had never responded when I announced I was home. That was a bit unusual; normally she’d be at my bedroom door before I was settled in good.

  I also didn’t smell any food cooking. Pushing myself to my feet, I made my way to her room. I guessed she had decided to take a nap after all. But I also knew she would be upset if I didn’t wake her up to cook dinner. “Mrs. Tate, it’s time to get up,” I said as soon as I opened the door to her bedroom. But her bed was empty. Walking farther into the room, I saw her bathroom door was open, and she didn’t appear to be inside. I stood still for a moment. For some reason my heart skipped a beat. The kitchen became my destination as I walked
fast.

  I heard screaming, not realizing it was coming from my own mouth. There was Mrs. Tate laid out on the floor on her right side. I rushed to her. “Mrs. Tate, wake up,” I cried, feeling helpless. Reaching in my back pocket, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911. “Please, please, send someone quick!”

  Chapter 5

  Isis

  The previous four days had been surreal. I still could not wrap my mind around the fact that Mrs. Tate was gone. The doctors had said it was a heart attack. I couldn’t help but believe if I had gotten home earlier, she would still be alive. She was still breathing when the ambulance arrived to pick her up. But by the time we arrived at the hospital, she was gone. The doctors announcing she was gone had sent pure shock through me. I fell to the floor and I couldn’t stop screaming . . . I couldn’t stop crying. I was a vegetable. It was so bad the doctors had to sedate me.

  It wasn’t until the next morning, once the medicine wore off, that they were able to get any information from me about Mrs. Tate. Even then I felt like a zombie. But I pulled myself together and called Secret so that she could catch a ride to the hospital and then drive me home in Mrs. Tate’s car. There was no way I could drive. One look at the house, and I broke down all over again; the sight of Mrs. Tate lying helpless on the floor was all I could think of. Secret hugged me until I calmed down a bit. Inside the house I slowly walked into Mrs. Tate’s room. It took everything in me to be strong as I looked for her cell phone. Scrolling through her contacts, I dialed her sister, Mona, and broke the news. It was awful.

  That had been four days ago, and I was still in shock. My head didn’t seem to be on straight. I thanked God when Mona finally arrived. She had jumped on the first flight headed from Baltimore straight to Miami. Mona was Mrs. Tate’s one and only sibling, but they hardly saw each other because Mona was a workaholic. Just like Mrs. Tate, Mona was alone; she had been married but had divorced when she was young. They had one son, but he lived in Germany, and he only came home on holidays. So I felt bad for her, but I still needed her to be the strong one. I couldn’t even get out of bed; the only thing I had been able to get down were fluids. As a result I had lost a few pounds. I was plain devastated. I couldn’t understand why everyone I loved left me. First my mother, and now Mrs. Tate. With her gone I felt alone. The only person I had was Secret. She had been there for me as much as she could.