If It Ain't About the Money

by Saundra

  “Babe, you always trying to eat my food. Eat your own burger,” I whined.

  “A’ight. Treat your man like that.” He chuckled, sitting back down. Bobbi and I meshed together like glue and paper. I had met him two years ago; he was working on his friend’s car in the parking lot of the new apartments we had just moved into. I soon found out that he was a known mechanic in the area. He fixed cars, motorcycles—name it, he fixed it. He really had gifted hands. Even though I thought he was cute as ever, I had turned him down twice when he asked me out on a date. He was in our apartment parking lot so much fixing his friend’s car I was beginning to think he was breaking it just so he could fix it. Finally, he showed up at our door with flowers, and I gave in. A couple dates later my panties fell off. We were inseparable.

  “Babe, so how much longer do you think it’ll be before we can find our new place?” I sipped my strawberry milk shake and savored its creamy goodness.

  “Hopefully soon. I’m ready as hell to get off Melvin’s couch. Shit fuckin’ wit’ my organs.” Melvin was his cousin. They had been living together for the past three years, because for a while Bobbi couldn’t find steady work as a mechanic. But a year ago he had finally landed a job at a mechanic shop. It offered good pay, full-time hours, and benefits. And things had been going good for us. For the past six months we both had been working really hard and saving our coins so that we could get our own place. I couldn’t wait to move in with my man and wake up to him every morning.

  “Wait, he ain’t got bedbugs, does he?” I questioned, suddenly worried. I spent a lot of time over there myself, and the last thing I needed was to take home bedbugs, or any bug.

  Bobbi’s eyeballs bugged. “Hell, naw, he don’t have bedbugs. Shi’d, he better not have any.” He didn’t sound so sure. “I’ma fuck him up he if he do. ’Cause he ain’t told me ’bout it.” He got hyped, his voice booming. A few people glanced in our direction. I was embarrassed.

  “Keep your voice down, babe,” I whispered to him.

  “My bad.” He glanced around then leaned in a little closer. “I done told him about them ratchet, two-dollar hos he be bringing home, though. Ever since the last time I snapped he chilled, though. Remember I told you about the girl who had roaches crawling out of her purse? That shit pissed me off; I put her ass out my damn self. Fuck out here with that. Nigga act like he don’t know no decent females.”

  Bobbi was getting angry just talking about it. I laughed so hard I had to cover my mouth to keep my milk shake from spewing out. “Yep,” I said. But I knew firsthand he was telling the truth. “Remember the girl with the big brown greenish looking stain in her drawers?” I reminisced. The girl had decided she wanted to take a shower; apparently she forgot her underwear in the bathroom. I went in to use the bathroom, and there were her stained panties laid open for the world to see. I nearly threw up in my mouth. From that point on I stopped using the bathroom over there. It was just recently I felt safe using it again.

  “That was some repugnant shit.” Bobbi chuckled.

  “Let’s go.” I laughed. “I can’t be late for work.” I loved spending time with Bobbi; we always had a good time. He kept a smile on my face, and I loved him even more for that.

  Pulling up to the mall, I kissed Bobbi goodbye before climbing out of his 2001 Cutlass Supreme. I always joked with him, calling it his mac daddy ride. Working at JCPenney wasn’t exactly my dream job, but for the most part I received full-time hours and it paid the bills. Watching Bobbi pull off, I realized I’d much rather be spending my time with him. I wasn’t crazy, though; I knew staring in my man’s face all day didn’t make money, so I ditched that fantasy quickly. With my Top Burger cup in hand still half filled with strawberry milk shake, I strolled inside the crowded mall, optimistic and ready to start and finish my shift.

  The very next morning I rolled out of bed still tired from my eight-hour shift the day before. But I was on a mission: I was going down to the prison to visit with Felicia. After all these years, I still hated making this trip; for one, it was long, and two, I was never in the mood. The bars, the whole atmosphere was depressing, and I hated taking that feeling back out into the real world with me. The only reason I still went was because I knew it was necessary. For all the resentment that I held toward her, she was my mother, and I could not leave her in there alone. I was all she had. It had been six months since the last time I had gone, so I knew it was time.

  A cab delivered me to Hertz rent-a-car, where I rented a car for the day. At the prison I checked in and went through all the grueling checkpoints in order to complete my visit. The rude-ass guards with their comments were the worse part. Especially the women: every single one of them was on a power trip for toughness. It annoyed the shit out of me, but I was always able to keep my cool. After being led to the visiting room, I took my seat and waited. The scenery was old and redundant. I wondered if Felicia would come out with her usual smile; as usual I wouldn’t be able to return that smile because of my bottled-up anger.

  Over the years I had tried so hard to shake the hostility I held against her, but every time I entered the facility the anger hopped on me like flies to shit. I couldn’t help but think she was in there for her own selfish reasons. All I could reflect on was how she had chosen material things over me. How was I supposed to forget that? How could I overlook the fact that she was the cause of our separation, of me having to drive hours to sit and talk to her in a room full of strangers?

  Observing the room, I saw kids who were much younger than me hugging their incarcerated mothers. My heart broke for them. I was a grown woman and couldn’t understand my mother being locked away. I couldn’t even imagine how those small children could. I glanced up at the clock; five minutes had passed, and still my mom had not appeared. I wondered if something was up. Normally she was out no sooner than I could take a seat.

  “Hey, baby.” She appeared just as I was about to ask the guard if something was up.

  “Finally,” I said with a sigh. “I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.”

  “I’m sorry, a girl on my block was busted with contraband. So the guards held us up for strip search,” she explained. “But I don’t even know why they put us through that shit. It’s the shady-ass guard that’s bringing her that shit up in here. Ugh, I get so sick of this place.” She sighed and looked around the room. I almost replied, but I knew it wouldn’t be good so I kept quiet. “Sooo . . . how have you been? It’s been a minute since you’ve been up.”

  “I come up when I can,” I clarified right off the bat. It always pissed me off when she slick questioned me about my visits. As if my life revolved around visitation. “I’ve been working a lot of overtime lately,” I said, but this time more calmly.

  “It’s okay, I understand. You don’t have to explain. I get that you have other pressing issues. I just missed you.”

  “I’m not explaining, just stating the facts.”

  A smile was spread about her lips, but I could see I had hurt her feelings. “How are Secret and Penny?”

  “They are cool. Penny’s about to graduate soon, and Secret’s still working. Same ol’ stuff.”

  “Wow, I can’t believe Penny is about to graduate high school. My, my, has time flown.” She shook her head and held a distant look in her eyes. I assumed she was thinking about when we were all little kids.

  “Yep,” was my dry reply. Sometimes I believed she thought the whole world was supposed to have stopped when she went to prison. And it infuriated me.

  “And how is Bobbi? It’s been a while since you brought him down with you. Are you two still together?”

  That last part of the question annoyed me. She knew we were still together; to ask was just plain stupid and a waste of our visitation. And she knew exactly why he didn’t come: she hated him and it showed, that’s why he had stopped coming, so her pretending to care was fake. “Yeah, Felicia, we’re still together. We’ve been saving, and soon we are moving in together. So no, your dream has
not come true.” I was sarcastic on purpose. I knew she hated when I called her Felicia. But a year after she had been locked up I realized a mother wouldn’t choose materialistic things over her own daughter. So why honor her with that privilege? Felicia it was. The grave look on her face told me that it broke a piece of heart every time I called her that.

  She looked down for a brief second then back at me, her eyebrows raised. “I get that you care about each other.” That was her way of downplaying our relationship. “But why do you have to move in together, Isis?” She was clearly not happy about the news. “What’s the rush?”

  “What do you mean, why? What’s the big problem with that? We love one another. Shouldn’t that be enough?”

  Again she looked away from me, and I knew she was trying to choose her words carefully. The last thing she wanted to do was piss me off and have me cut the visit short. I had cut the visit short on more than one occasion and wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. “I’m just concerned about your future. That’s it . . . You still have college to think about. It’s been two years now since you have been out of school.”

  Here we were back on the college conversation again. “Well, college sounds nice, but I have real life to deal with.” My tone was full of aggravation. “Besides that, I’m a foster kid, remember? We don’t have it easy when it comes to all that paperwork. And just maybe if you hadn’t been locked up in this hellhole. Maybe then I could have focused on college.” The anger and hostility I was feeling reared its ugly head without refute.

  Without any indication, she slammed the palm of her right hand on the table. “That’s not an excuse.” She finally got angry and raised her voice at me, and I could tell she instantly regretted it. I could feel all the eyes in the room on us. The two guards in the room gave us cold stares. “Wait, I’m sorry . . . I didn’t mean to . . .” She tried to apologize, but the bells rang, prompting us that the visit was up.

  With no words I just stared at her. I couldn’t believe she had found the nerve to yell at me. It had been years since she had shown any anger when talking to me. Standing up, I turned and walked away without even a goodbye. She tried calling my name, but I kept stepping. I sped up my pace, not wanting her to see the tears traveling down my cheeks. But what I really wanted to do was turn around and throw myself into her arms. I missed her so much. But the contempt I held in my heart for her trumped all that. I didn’t know if I would ever get over it.

  Chapter 8

  Secret

  “That’ll be twelve-ninety-six,” I replied to the middle-aged lady who had just ordered three Mexican Bean Salsa Burritos. From the look of her she weighed easily three hundred pounds, so the last thing she needed were those burritos. But who was I tell her what to eat? I just worked here. She handed me a twenty, and I cashed her ticket out. “Your order will be up in just a few minutes,” I said as I placed the change back in her waiting stubby right hand.

  I fixed her diet drink as I waited for her order to come up. “Here you go, ma’am.” I handed her her food and drink. “Thanks for coming to Taco World, come again.” I smiled. For her sake I hoped she didn’t take my advice. She should avoid Taco World and all other fast foods at all cost.

  I was on my way to check the lobby when I saw Kirk march in like he was a boss. I couldn’t believe it. “What’s up, ma?” he said.

  “You know me. Gettin’ this money.” I chuckled. I was glad to see him; he still looked as good as when I ran into him a few years back. Hell, not that that was even possible.

  “I think you said that last time.” He laughed. “But what’s been up witcha? I thought you was gon’ hit me up? My number ain’t changed.”

  If only he knew things had become so crazy. Penny and I had moved out on our own. I had forgotten all about that. But I didn’t even want to get into all that right now. I decided the best thing to do was to play it off. “Man, look, I been busy making these damn tacos.” I gave him a fake laugh, hoping to ease out of that tight situation. It worked, because he laughed along with me. “What’s your order? You and I both know that no one can come up in Taco World and not order tacos.” And that was real.

  “Yeah, no doubt.” He smiled then ordered six steak tacos with the works. “Step over here for a second.” He pointed toward the lobby. “Let me holla at you for a quick minute.” We were overstaffed in the kitchen so his tacos came up fast. I handed him the bag before stepping around the counter.

  “What’s up?” I asked as we walked over toward a vacant table.

  “Listen, no disrespect. But it’s time for you to give up this petty money and get paid.” He wasted no time cutting to the chase.

  “Get paid how?” I asked.

  “This ain’t the place for that conversation. Just get at me. I promise I got you. But bet it’s time you get up outta here. I ain’t tryin’ to knock your hustle, but this shit is wack.” He looked around the restaurant. “Plus this shit is in the hood, so I know you be puttin’ up with some rude motherfuckers.”

  “Damn now, that’s real.” I had to agree. “Just yesterday I had a chick come in here and call me a ho, because she thought her man was lookin’ at my ass while I bagged their order. I swear on everything, Kirk, I was about to beat that bitch down and go to county. But two of my coworkers dragged me to the back.”

  “See, I already know. Here.” He handed me a small piece of paper with a number on it. “That’s my cell. Hit me up when you ready to boss up.” With that he was out. I slowly walked back around the counter to my normal spot, all the while thinking about what Kirk had just said. And how good he seemed to be still doing.

  “Girl, who was that? Was that nigga tryin’ to holla?” Teresa from the kitchen interrupted my thoughts. I glanced up at her as she leaned over my shoulder, still gawking at the door Kirk had exited. She was cool, but I swear she was a ho.

  I couldn’t help but giggle at her question. “Hell, naw, he ain’t tryin’ to holla. That was my boy Kirk from back in the day. He like a brother to me.”

  “Hmmm, well, he fine as hell. I could barely make his tacos for checking him out. Shi’d, you need to hook a bitch up.”

  “Teresa, get yo ass back in the kitchen and stop being so thirsty. All that thot begging you doing,” I chastised her. She was the last chick Kirk would want to hook up with. Teresa already had three different baby daddies, and just thought she was pregnant two weeks ago. I couldn’t even take her seriously.

  “I just got this shit from the drive-through, and it’s all wrong.” A young black girl came through the doors all of a sudden, yelling and rolling her eyes, with a Taco World bag in hand. I couldn’t do anything but sigh. Kirk and I had just talked about this same mess.

  Teresa made a beeline for the kitchen. I politely reached for the bag. “I’ll take a look.”

  “Take a look?” she screamed at me like she was appalled. “Fuck that, y’all need to fix this shit over. Asap.” Megan, the girl from the drive-through who took her order, eased closer to the drive-through window as if she was trying to hide. I sighed. “Every time I come to this motherfucker, you underpaid bitches always fucking up my order. Bitches can’t do nothin’ right.” She continued to be disrespectful.

  Unable to contain myself any longer, I jumped over the counter and put my finger in her face and demanded her to call me another bitch. Next thing I know Megan, Teresa, and Sam, the night manager, were pulling me to the back of the restaurant. It took a minute for me to calm down, but when I did I clocked out. Fuck hours, they didn’t pay me enough for that bullshit.

  As soon as I got home, the first thing I did was jump in the shower. No one was home and nothing was on television, so I kicked my feet up on the love seat. Reaching into my purse to pull out my cell phone, I grabbed hold of the small piece of paper with Kirk’s number on it. Putting the number in my contacts, I contemplated taking him up on his offer. But I couldn’t help wondering what it was. What was it that he could possibly turn me on to? I smiled to myself as I replayed in my head him callin
g Taco World “wack.” And he damn sure was right. Low pay and disrespectful-ass customers didn’t mix. I was up to my heels sick of the bullshit.

  Reaching for my purse once more, I extended my hand inside and grabbed the swisher sweet I had picked up on the way home. Making a quick trip to my room, I lifted the mattress and pulled out that fire. Rubbing the plastic bag filled with the green substance brought me life. Back in the living room, I wasted no time cleaning out my swisher. I couldn’t wait to inhale and exhale. Just as I licked and rolled the finishing touches, Isis strolled through the door looking exhausted.

  “Damn, you must have read my mind,” Isis boasted, throwing herself down on the couch across from me. “It has been a long day. Please hurry up with that and pass it to me.” She referred to the blunt.

  “Just hang tight, I got you.” I smiled. Reaching for the lighter next to the ashtray on the coffee table, I lit it up. “You do the honors.” I passed the blunt to Isis.

  Wasting no time, she placed it between her lips, inhaled, and blew out. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about.” Isis coughed a little bit and passed it back to me. “I so needed that.”

  One puff and I started to relax immediately. “I quit Taco World today.” I released. “Well, I didn’t officially tell them yet. I just kinda clocked out and left. But I made up my mind, I’m done with that bullshit.”

  “Ahh, hell, what happened?” Isis went in for her second round.

  “Another bitch tried me up in there today. And I’m tellin’ you if I don’t get outta there I’m gone beat a bitch down for real, I swear. I just can’t do it anymore.”

  “I feel you. You gotta do what you gotta do. I don’t need that call from county talkin’ ’bout come get you. Besides, you can’t be havin’ these ghetto hos costin’ you money; that’s where you gotta draw the line.”

  “And that’s real.” I chuckled. For the next couple of hours we sat and chatted and got fucked up. One blunt turned into two, and before we knew it we done ate up all the snacks in the kitchen. We were both laughing so hard by the time Penny came home she called us crazy and bid us a good night. The laughter turned out to be exactly what I needed while I juggled decisions around in my head.