by Ellis, Kay
“You’re leaving me?”
“No, I’m giving us both some space.”
Predictably, Stef burst into tears and all but sprinted to the bedroom. I let him go. Crying was his thing. Temper, frustration, manipulation – Stef could turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. My thing was what I was doing now – walking out the door and effectively giving myself a time out. Did I feel like a complete and utter wanker for leaving him when he was upset? Of course I did, but I couldn’t cope with all that weeping and wailing. I didn’t need the drama. When Stef calmed down, he’d understand that. I wouldn’t go far, certain he’d come and find me, just the way he always did. Then we’d kiss and make-up and talk it all over.
I paused at the bottom of the steps as I noticed Tony watching me from his kitchen window. Fuck. That was all I needed. The nosey old bastard had probably already phoned Marcie and told her that Stef and I were fighting. Marcie would take my side, I was sure, but she’d still tell Killigan. He would tell Amanda and then the whole lot of them would descend on us at the weekend to make sure I hadn’t finally snapped and beaten Stef to a pulp. Even after all the time we’d been together, they were still waiting for the day I turned on him. I’d tried so hard to leave my old life behind me. It was other people who refused to let me forget the monster I used to be.
I made my way to the café and the grassy hilltop overlooking the sea. There were a few more people around than usual, mainly holiday makers, I guessed, enjoying the early evening sunshine and the beautiful view. I found an empty picnic bench and sat down, remembering it was the same bench I had sat with just a few weeks ago while I told Eric he had to work at making a relationship work with Mason. I’d been talking about them though, and the messed-up way they kept getting together and then running away from each other. My relationship with Stef was sound – or so I thought at the time.
After an hour or so, as the sun began to dip below the distant horizon and the air turned cooler, I realized Stef wasn’t going to come after me this time. For the first time, I wondered if I had made a mistake in leaving him alone. Had it been the wrong thing to do? Should I have stayed and tried to comfort him? Shit, how was I supposed to know what to do for the best? Stef was the one who did all the touchy-feely, emotional crap.
I trudged back up the hill and climbed the metal staircase, feeling uncommonly nervous. What if Stef was not there? What if he’d finished with me? I didn’t think I’d done anything so terrible that it warranted leaving me, but who knew what went on in Stef’s pretty blond head. Inside, the apartment was deathly silent. For a moment, I panicked, thinking my worst fears had come true and Stef was gone. Then I heard the smallest of whimpers, and I hurried over to the wooden partition, practically drowning in relief to see Stef curled up on the bed. He was asleep but restless, moaning quietly beneath his breath.
I crawled up the bed and stretched out beside him, pulling him into my arms. He sighed, and settled instantly. The front door stood open and there was a distinct chill in the air now that the sun had gone down, but there was no way I was moving. I might be a big, unfeeling lump with shit for brains, but right at that moment, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
3
Fortunately for me, I had a very reliable internal alarm clock that managed, without fail, to wake me five minutes before I needed to get up for work. I woke, cold and aching, to find myself under scrutiny from a pair of anxious, green eyes.
“Hey, beautiful,” I said, looking up at Stef sat cross legged on the bed, and trying to figure out what mood he was in. I still had no idea what had set him off the night before or if the crisis was over. He didn’t look upset now. Just kind of worried.
“Are you angry with me?” he asked in a small, childish voice.
I sighed, and tried to smother the small knot of irritation that formed in my gut. No wonder everybody saw me as some sort of animal, when Stef did nothing to make them think otherwise. He loved me, I didn’t doubt that, but he had me and everyone else wrapped around his little finger, and sometimes I thought he got a kick out of playing us all off against one another. So long as his friends believed I was one argument away from punching his lights out, they would keep on babying and fussing over him.
“I’m not angry,” I promised. “Why would I be?”
“I shouted at you last night. I… I wasn’t very nice to you… the things I said.”
I sat up and scrubbed a hand over my face. God, I needed a shave and a piss, but assuring Stef I wasn’t angry with him – even if he had called me stupid – seemed more important.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, and not just because I knew that was what good boyfriends were supposed to do. I really wanted to know what had gotten him so riled up. I had to know if there was someone out there who had upset my man and needed a friendly reminder not to do it again.
“No.” That was all he had to say on the matter? Like he hadn’t been in floods of tears and shrieking his insecurities at me a mere twelve hours ago? He rubbed his hands up and down his thin arms and shivered. “Why is it so damn cold in here? That’s what I’d like to know.”
He was changing the subject. But he was right. It was cold, although it took me a moment to remember why.
“I left the door open last night,” I admitted. Not my fault. I’d been so relieved to find him on the bed I hadn’t given the door another thought. No harm done. Nobody had crept in and murdered us in our sleep, and it wasn’t like we had anything worth stealing.
“You did what?” Stef leapt from the bed, wide-eyed in panic. “What the Hell were you thinking? Anyone could have come in here!”
“Well, yeah… but they didn’t,” I said, daring to point out the obvious. He was getting his knickers in a twist over something that hadn’t even happened, and here I was thinking I was supposed to be the stupid one in this relationship.
“But he could have!” Stef screamed at me, tears spilling from his eyes and running down his cheeks. “He could have got in.”
He ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. The wood was so flimsy, I could easily have busted open the door if I wanted to. We didn’t even have a lock on there, and it wasn’t like Stef was strong enough to hold it shut if I pushed from the other side. I didn’t even try, though, deciding it was better to give him a bit of space to calm down.
I dropped onto our battered sofa to wait for him, and to contemplate the exact words he had just used. “He.” That was what he said. “He could have got in.” Damn it, I was going to be late for work, which would piss Tony off, but I wasn’t leaving until I got to the bottom of whatever was going on with Stef. For a start, I wanted to know who this he was, and what he’d done to get Stef so shit scared of him. It had been a while since I punched someone, although I’d threatened to plenty of times. To my way of thinking, anyone who hurt Stef was due a pounding, and I’d be happy to give it to them.
Ten minutes later, just as I was starting to wonder if I should go into the bathroom after all, Stef appeared, his face pale and his eyes red. He grabbed some clothes from the chest of drawers and walked into the bedroom without looking at me. I thought I was pretty, fucking patient as I sat there and watched him ignore me while he dressed. Eventually, though, I couldn’t keep it in any longer.
“Something you want to tell me, Stef?”
He shook his head, his jaw set stubbornly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Tough, because I do. Who is he?”
“What?” Stef’s eyes flew to my face in alarm. He didn’t even know he’d said it. He recovered quickly, and rolled his eyes, a habit he knew I hated. “I don’t have time for this now. I’ll be late for work.”
“Work? I thought you had college on Tuesdays.”
“Fine. Then I don’t want to be late for college.”
“Well, that’s not very likely, is it?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “You don’t start until ten.”
“For God’s sake, Alex!” Stef yelled, furious with
me again. “Stop talking like you know everything about my life, when you don’t.”
“I was just –”
“Maybe I want to go in early so I can meet up with my friends for coffee. Did you ever think of that?”
“What friends?” I asked, and – yeah, it came across like I was jealous, but since when did he have friends that I didn’t know about? He’d never mentioned anyone from his college course, and the people at the salon were just people he worked with. He didn’t socialise with them. In fact, if he wasn’t at work or college, he was with me, so he didn’t even have time for friends.
“So, I’m not allowed friends now? Is that it?” Stef pulled on his jacket, and stormed across the room. “Well, fuck you, Alex. You don’t own me!”
A door slammed behind him for the second time that morning, and I stared after him, trying to figure out what the Hell had just happened. More to the point, who was this hot-headed and argumentative stranger who had taken the place of my sweet, sensitive Stefan? In the beginning, we’d had our ups and downs, a lot of which had been down to me trying to come to terms with falling for a guy. But, since we’d been together properly, we hardly ever argued. I couldn’t, hand on heart, say never, because we were two very different personalities still learning to share our lives together, but actual, stand-up slanging matches were rare. Rarer still, for Stef to be the one losing his temper and doing all the yelling. It wasn’t that he was scared of me; he knew better than anyone that he had me wrapped around his little finger, but ranting at me just wasn’t in his nature.
And, what the fuck was that crack about not owning him? Of course, I owned him. Stef knew it and he loved it. He always said he was mine to do with as I pleased. God, I was so confused. I knew I wasn’t the best boyfriend, but how was I supposed to know when I crossed a line if those lines kept moving and nobody told me?
I took a quick shower and dressed in an old, faded t-shirt and jeans, before rushing down the hill to the garage. Tony never got in until nine, so hopefully he’d never know I was twenty minutes late for work. I wasn’t bothered about getting a bollocking for being late, but Tony would want to know why. Then he’d report back to Marcie that Stef and I were in trouble, and before I knew it, the whole bloody lot of them would descend on us to make sure Stef wasn’t in any danger. It was almost like a sport to Amanda, Killigan and that dickhead, Rufus; trying to convince Stef to leave me.
Luckily for me, washing cars wasn’t exactly mentally taxing, even on my overly dense brain. It meant I could work and think at the same time – or work and brood in this case. Where was Stef now? Was he still upset? And what was he upset about? These friends he was supposedly meeting for coffee – did they really exist? And, if they did, were they sat there right now, telling Stef to dump me and find someone better suited to him? There was always a chance Stef had invented friends just to wind me up, but I couldn’t relax until I knew for sure. Stef meeting someone else and realising I was all wrong for him had been my biggest fear ever since we got together. I’d spent the last two years waiting for the penny to drop and for him to decide I wasn’t worth the effort.
Maybe, he wanted to finish with me, and that was the reason for all the drama the night before and this morning. If he could manipulate me into being the one to end things, then I would be the bad guy yet again, and his reputation would remain intact. I didn’t want to believe he would do that to me, but after the way he had screamed at me, after the things he had said, I didn’t know what else to think.
I rubbed my hand across my chest, as if to ease the intense ache that had settled there. It didn’t help, of course. The pain went too deep, and was not likely to be massaged away. The only thing that would help would be my Stef coming home and telling me he was sorry. He’d tell me what was wrong, and we’d kiss and make up. Maybe more. Make-up sex wasn’t necessarily the best sex we had, but it was good enough to put a smile on both our faces.
“Alex.” I looked up as Tony strode across the forecourt toward me. “You’ve been washing that same spot for the last ten minutes.”
“Sorry.” I didn’t like apologising to anyone really, but he was my boss so I knew it would be for the best, whether I meant it or not. Besides, Tony was right. I had been so caught up in my worries about Stef, I hadn’t been concentrating on my job. “Things on my mind.”
“Let’s go to my office,” Tony said. “I think we should have a chat.”
“What about?” I asked suspiciously. Before Marcie, every ‘chat’ I’d ever had with an employer ended with me being out of a job. Washing cars might not be the most thrilling of jobs, but it suited me. I liked the solitude it had to offer. The guys in the garage were not too bad in small doses, and I even liked Tony a bit when he wasn’t sticking his nose into my business. Trouble with being me: I was smart enough to know shooting off my mouth was never a good idea, yet stupid enough to do it anyway. The moment I felt threatened, my defences went up, and my automatic response was to get angry. “Whatever you’ve got to say, you can say it here.”
“Okay, then…” Tony’s face tightened, like he was fighting to contain his own anger. “Nigel tells me you were late this morning.”
“So?” I glared towards the workshop, thinking I never had Nigel down for a fucking grass. Just went to show you couldn’t trust anyone. They made you coffee, told you not to worry, because what the boss didn’t know the boss couldn’t moan about, and then they dropped you in the shit the first chance they got. “I’ll make the time up on my lunch break.”
“Yes, you will,” Tony said. “But that’s not really the point here, is it?”
“What is then?”
“Well, I don’t know. Why don’t you start with telling me why you were late?”
“I dunno.” I shrugged. “I just was.”
“Would it have anything to do with the row you and Stefan had this morning? I could hear you screaming at each other from my kitchen.”
“No,” I said flatly. How could he say something like that and expect me to open up to him? We hadn’t screamed at each other. Stef had screamed at me. I hadn’t raised my voice once, but as usual, someone else saw fit to twist the truth and make me out to be the bad guy.
Tony sighed, and braced his hands on the hood of the car I had been washing so absent-mindedly. “I just need to know that Stefan is safe, son.”
“I’m not your son,” I snapped, hands clenched into fists at my sides. “And my relationship is none of your fucking business.”
“As long as I’m your landlord and your boss…”
“Seriously?” I laughed out loud, startling him. “Just because you rent me a shitty little room, and give me a shitty job washing stupid cars… you think that gives you a say in my life?”
“Alex, I’m warning you…”
“Guess what, Tony? You don’t get to warn me about shit.” I was glad there was a car between us, but probably not as glad as Tony should be. The need to hit something was strong, and I was fast losing my carefully cultivated image of self-control. I had to walk away before I did something there would be no coming back from. “I quit. You can stick your job.”
“Alex,” Tony called after me. “The flat over the garage goes with the job. Don’t forget that.”
“We’ll be out by the end of the week,” I threw back at him.
Tears pricked my eyes as I hurried along the street, and I blinked them away, furious with myself. What the fuck was I going to tell Stef? I’d over-reacted, I knew that. Maybe if I went back and apologised, Tony would let me off with a written warning or something, and I’d keep my job and home. Like everyone always said – I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box; so I kept on walking, my head spinning at the level of my own stupidity. I couldn’t bring myself to apologise, even if I wanted to. It just wasn’t in my nature to back down from anyone. Killigan told me I had a problem with authority, and he wasn’t far wrong. The only person who got away with telling me what to do was Stefan, and, chances were, I’d lose him too when he found
out what I’d done.
I stomped up the stairs to the flat, still thinking hard about what to do next. We had nowhere to go, and my chances of getting another job around here were next to none. Stef wouldn’t be able to afford to rent a place on his meagre earnings, assuming he wanted to stay with me anyway. Maybe it would be best if he went back to London on his own. He should be able to switch colleges, and I was sure Killigan and Marcie would let him stay. If not them, Amanda and her boyfriend. Bloody Rufus was looking for a flatmate since Eric ditched him, and he’d jump at the chance to finally get his claws into Stef. The thought of those two tearing up the town together was enough to have me growling in disapproval.
There was a small sound from the bedroom, and I walked over to the partition. Stef sat, cross-legged, on the bed in a t-shirt and boxer shorts, as surprised to see me as I was him. At least he didn’t seem angry anymore; just incredibly sad. Moving slowly, wary in case he kicked off again, I crawled onto the bed. I stretched out next to him, resting my head on one hand, deliberately putting myself lower than him so that Stef didn’t feel threatened. I hoped he knew I would never hurt him, but I was so much bigger than him physically. It would be easy for my size to intimidate him.
“You okay?” I asked gently.
“Not really.”
“You want to talk about it?” My heart ached painfully as I wondered if this was the moment he told me it was over.
“No,” Stef said. “I just want you.”
I reached for him then, pulling him down beside me. He wriggled a bit, making himself comfortable in my arms, and laying his head on my chest with a small, contented sigh. There was a lot we still had to talk about. I wasn’t going to kid myself into thinking all our problems were going to magically disappear just because we had a cuddle. But all of it could wait. Stef still loved me. Right then, it was the only thing that mattered.
4
