by Ellis, Kay
“You know what? It doesn’t matter if that fucker’s there or not, because you’re not going.”
I grabbed a pile of his clothes and began stuffing them back in to the drawer. Stef stared at me, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly. Then he burst into tears.
“I hate you!” he sobbed, and then he ran for the bedroom.
It wasn’t like he went far. That was the trouble with this place. It didn’t exactly have much to offer in the way of personal space. I could hear him bawling his eyes out on the other side of the partition. He hadn’t meant what he said. He didn’t really hate me. We were in love. Getting married soon. He was upset. That was all.
Yeah, right. So why did I feel like I was fighting a losing battle here? I hadn’t done anything wrong. I hadn’t. Wanting to protect him, that wasn’t wrong, was it? And wanting to know who was harassing him – how was that a bad thing?
“Alex, if you don’t open this door right now, I’m calling the police.”
Shit. I’d forgotten about Tony standing outside the door. I bet the bastard had seen and heard everything. He’d probably called Marcie and Killigan already, and told them how I was abusing Stefan.
Stomping across the room, I unlocked the door and threw it open.
“Can’t this wait?” I asked sharply, before he had the chance to speak.
Not that I knew what ‘this’ was. He’d wanted to talk to me as soon as I got back, so it could be about the damage to his car, or it could be about the way we’d run off before the police arrived. Of course, that was before he’d witnessed my fight with Stef.
Tony swallowed hard, but he stood his ground. “I need to see Stefan, son, make sure he’s okay.”
“He’s fine.”
Stef had gone quiet, and I knew he’d be lying there listening to our conversation.
“I’m going to call Killigan,” Tony threatened. “He needs to know about this.”
“You do that. See you tomorrow, Tony.”
I shut the door in his face and turned the key, then listened to Tony grumble his way down the staircase. At least he realised there was no point in standing there arguing. I’d probably pay for it at work the next day. Maybe even sooner once he called Marcie and Killigan. It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if they jumped straight in the car, and headed down the motorway to rescue poor little Stef from my evil clutches.
Stef didn’t reappear for the rest of the day. Not even to take a piss or get something to eat. I gave him space. Watched a bit of telly, although I couldn’t say after what was on or a single word that was said. Nobody showed up at the door demanding I hand over Stef.
It was late when I crawled into bed. Stef was curled on his side, his face to the wall. I lay next to him, my body stiff as a board as I tried to make sure we didn’t touch. Sleep was a long time coming, too many thoughts churning around in my head and keeping me awake. I wished I knew where it had all gone wrong. Had I somehow missed the one defining moment when my relationship turned to shit? Was I making a mistake, keeping Stef here if he wanted to leave? Fear wasn’t a feeling that I was familiar with, but I felt it now. I was scared, not only of losing Stef, but of the person I might become without him.
Sleep must have found me eventually though, because when I awoke in the morning, it was to find our bodies had arranged themselves during the night into our usual sleeping position. Stef was pressed against my side, one slender leg hooked over my meaty thigh. I looked down to find him watching me through bright green eyes.
“I don’t really hate you,” he whispered.
“I know you don’t.”
“I was just angry and upset.”
“I know you were.”
He tilted his head back, studying my face.
“You’re mad at me.”
“No, Stef.” I sighed, tired of having the same conversation over and over again. “But this has to stop. You need to stop pushing me away and talk to me.”
“I will,” he promised. “We can talk tonight.”
“Why not now?”
“Because,” he said, sitting up, “you can’t afford to be late for work again.”
“Shit. No, I suppose not.”
I didn’t want to leave him, but I couldn’t risk pissing off Tony any more than I already had. Stef seemed to be okay. He told me he was going to shower and then head into college. He promised again, that we would talk when we got home in the evening. Even so, there was no small amount of reluctance as I set off on the short walk down the hill to the garage. Stef’s mood was so unpredictable lately. He was happy now, but it didn’t mean he would be in a few hours’ time. For all I knew he would be telling me he hated me again. That was the trouble, I had no idea which version of Stef would be waiting for me when I walked through the door.
On the whole, it turned out to be a pretty good day. I had enough vehicles on the forecourt to keep me busy. Valeting cars didn’t exactly tax the brain cells, but it suited me. Not that I’d never had that much in the way of grey matter in the first place. At least working kept my mind off my problems for a while. Tony must have been busy too, because apart from popping out to lunch around midday, I hadn’t seen him leave his office. That was something else that suited me, because it kept him off my back. A few times, I looked up see him watching me through the office window. I tried not to think too much of it. He spent a lot of time on the phone, and while he talked, he walked. It was only natural he should look out of the window while he paced to and fro. He probably wasn’t looking at me at all.
Stef phoned at lunchtime, sounding more cheerful than he should have done given our fight the night before. It crossed my mind that he was putting on an act, faking his cheerful tone. He sounded genuine though. Enough that I believed him. Maybe I wanted it to be real. Like I said – not that bright. Maybe the only truth was that I was nothing more than a big, lumbering idiot, too stupid to see what was right in front of me.
At the end of the day, I packed up my gear, stored it away in the corner of the workshop, and stripped off my overalls. I didn’t say goodbye to any of the mechanics who were still clearing up. Why would I? They were not my friends. They were not even my workmates in the truest sense of the word. Working out on the forecourt like I did, I could easily go all day without speaking to any of them. It didn’t bother me. What did I need friends for when I had Stef? Not forgetting that the last lot of friends I had tried to kill me, so was it any wonder I was wary of making new ones.
“Alex, can I have a word?”
Tony appeared in the doorway to his office. It sounded like a question, but I knew it wasn’t one. Not really. It was more of a demand. I didn’t want to talk to him. He’d had all day to call me into the office, but he’d waited until closing time when he had to know I’d want to get home to Stef. What could I do though? I was already on thin ice with him after what had happened to his car, and especially after what he had witnessed with Stef the night before.
“Does it have to be now?” I asked, in the faint hope he’d wave me away and tell me whatever it was he wanted to talk about could wait until later.
Tony glanced at his watch. Was it my imagination or did he seem nervous? Of what though? Being alone with me? Wasn’t that all the more reason to call me into the office during the day when there were other people around?
“Yes, it has to be now.” He looked at his watch again, and now he was making me nervous too.
“You sure?” I said, as his eyes went to his watch for a third time. “Only it seems like you have some other place you need to be.”
“What?” Tony shook his head and laughed. Oh yeah. There was something going on for sure. That nervous little laugh was a dead giveaway. “No, there’s nothing. Come on into the office. Let’s have a chat.”
I followed him inside, my brow creasing in suspicion. Tony was acting weird, even for Tony. He rounded his desk and sat in his leather chair. There as another quick glance at his watch before he gestured to the chair opposite his.
“Tak
e a seat, son.”
“I’ll stand, thanks.” I folded my arms across my chest and scowled at him. “What’s this about, Tony?”
“It’s… well, it’s… um…” He looked at his damn watch again, clearly flustered. It was as though he hadn’t really thought this through, and hadn’t expected to actually have to find something to talk about. “It’s about… my car. Yes, my car. That’s it.”
Another glance at his watch, and suddenly everything clicked into place. He wasn’t worried about the time for himself. It wasn’t about him being late for something. It was about keeping me at the garage. Making me late. But late for what? That was the question.
“You’re bullshitting me,” I said. “And either you tell me why, right now, or I’m out of here.”
Tony crumbled. He was older than me by a couple of decades at least, but he acted like a naughty schoolboy caught out in a lie.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I told them you wouldn’t fall for this.”
“Who do you mean?” I demanded, although I had a feeling that I already knew the answer. “Who’s ‘them’?”
“I said,” Tony rambled on. “I said you’re smarter than any of them give you credit for.”
“Tony!”
“Okay, okay.” He took one final look at his watch. “Another ten minutes and it won’t matter anyway. Marcie is here with Killigan and that boy, Rupert, or whatever his name is. They’re taking Stefan back to London with them.”
“What? Why?”
Tony sighed, suddenly calm again. “You know why, Alex.”
No, I didn’t fucking know why. But ten minutes was enough time for me to get home and find out. I mean, Stef had said the night before about going back, but that had been in the heat of the moment. He hadn’t meant it though, and he’d been fine ever since. He wouldn’t lie to me over something like that. I knew Stef, for fuck’s sake. I’d know if he was lying to me.
Tony shouted after me as I ran from the office, but I didn’t turn back. No time. I raced up the hill toward home, with legs and lungs burning. I didn’t slow down though. Not even for a second. At any moment, I expected Killigan’s car to pass by me, carrying Stef away, and I might never see him again.
11
The gravel crunched beneath my feet as I skidded to a halt in Tony’s wide driveway. Killigan stood at the bottom of the metal staircase. He folded his arms and glared. He was expecting me. Obviously, Tony had called to warn him I was on my way.
“You shouldn’t be here, Alex.”
“You’re the one who shouldn’t be here!” I spat furiously, getting right up in his face and making my presence felt. I didn’t care if he was a copper. If he had anything on me the local boys in blue would be here ready to slap the cuffs on. “What gives you the fucking right to come here and –”
“You did!” Killigan yelled back. “You gave us the right the moment you put your hands on Stefan.”
“What?” I took a step back and stared at him. “What the fuck are you on about? Listen, whatever Tony told you –”
“It wasn’t Tony,” Killigan interrupted. “It was Stefan.”
“Stefan?”
I looked past Killigan and up the staircase, as though expecting to see Stef standing there; waiting for him to appear and tell Killigan that he’d got it all wrong.
“I’ve seen his face, Alex,” Killigan continued. “I know what you did to him.”
“I didn’t…” I shook my head, but it was pointless trying to deny it. Killigan would never believe me for the plain and simple reason he wouldn’t want to. The cop in him had already decided I was guilty. “Let me talk to him.”
“It’s over, son. You need to let him go,” Killigan said, refusing to budge from his position at the foot of the stairs. He was big built, like me, but a lot of his muscle was turning to fat with age. I was younger, fitter and stronger. I could take him easily if I wanted to, but all that do was prove to them all I was as violent as they claimed. “You know, if it was up to us, he’d be pressing charges. Luckily for you, Stefan is refusing to do it.”
“Yeah, and why do you think that is?” I sneered. “Christ, how did you ever make detective when you can’t see the fucking obvious?”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning Stef isn’t pressing charges because he’s lying. Any idiot can see that.”
A slight figure appeared at the top of the steps and I looked up. My heart soared, thinking for a moment that it was Stef. It plummeted again, as soon as I realised it was not my fiancé, but that little creep Rufus.
“Oh, look. Talking of idiots.”
“Stefan doesn’t want to see you,” Rufus said.
Smug little prick. He was enjoying this, probably thinking he’d won. That he’d finally got what he’d always wanted, which was Stef all to himself. How could everyone else be so blind to the fact that Rufus was in love with Stef and always had been. I couldn’t be the only one who saw it, surely?
I pushed Killigan aside and rushed up the stairs. Reaching the top, it was almost satisfying to see Rufus turn pale and take a hasty step backward. If it hadn’t been for the rail, he might have fallen. Might even have broken his neck. I had the fleeting thought that it was the shame the rail was there to save him. Then I forgot all about Rufus as I stepped inside.
Marcie was packing Stef’s clothes into holdall. At least she had the decency to look guilty when she saw me standing there. Out of everybody, she was the one who was supposed to be on my side. She had to know I’d never hurt Stef, and yet here she was, acting like she was buying the bullshit the same as the others.
“Where is he?”
I don’t know why I asked. It wasn’t like there was any place to hide. I didn’t see Stef in the main room, so he had to be hiding in either the bathroom or behind the wooden partition in what we laughingly called our bedroom.
“Stefan, get out here now.”
“Alex, honey, you shouldn’t be here,” Marcie said gently. “You stomping around and shouting isn’t going to solve anything, now is it?”
“We all knew you’d do this sooner or later,” Rufus said from behind me. “I must admit, I’m surprised it took you this long. Still, it’s not too late to call the police and have you arrested. Maybe this time they’ll lock you away somewhere you can’t hurt him again.”
“Nobody is calling the police,” Killigan said, having followed me up the stairs.
Suddenly, my little safe haven above Tony’s double garage seemed crowded and not very safe at all. My head spun from the stress of it all. I didn’t want them here. All I wanted was to see Stef and for everyone else to leave us alone.
The bathroom door opened, and my breath caught in my throat as Stef emerged. One eye was swollen shut, the skin around it a vivid purple bruise. Another bruise coloured his jaw line, and his bottom lip was split and bloodied.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, refusing to meet my horrified gaze. “Tony came home at lunch time. He saw me. I had to tell him the truth.”
Lunchtime? Stef had phoned me at lunch time, sounding perfectly normally. And what was he doing at home anyway, when he’d told me he was at college? Nothing made any sense.
“Who did this to you?” I asked hoarsely.
I didn’t care if I ended up in prison. I would find the person responsible and I’d fucking end them for what they had done.
“Like you don’t know,” Rufus scoffed, and was quickly hushed again by Killigan.
“Stef, you know I didn’t do this.” That was what they all thought; Marcie, Killigan, Tony. That little fucker, Rufus, would be only too happy to think the worst of me. I guess I couldn’t blame them for thinking Stef needed rescuing, but I didn’t understand why Stef was going along with it. “Stef, you have to tell them it wasn’t me.”
“I can’t,” Stef choked out around a stifled sob. “Because I already told them it was you, Alex.”
“Why?” I asked. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake the truth out of him, but that would only support w
as he was saying. “Why would you do that?”
“Because it’s true,” Stef whispered, his one good eye fixed firmly on the floor. The guy was sticking the knife in and ripping my heart and he wouldn’t even fucking look at me? He had to be kidding me. “You’ve been abusing me for months. I was just too scared to say anything. Then last night I told you I was leaving and you lost your temper. You went too far.”
His voice was mechanical, like he was reading the words from a page. Like they were rehearsed. Tony would back him up, of course. He’d heard our fight. heard Stef say he was leaving, and me telling him no. I thought Stef loved me, but he’d played me. Set me up to take the blame. I only wished I knew why. What had I done that was so bad it would turn him against me?
I stared at Stef, willing him to look at me. He stared at the floor. Marcie, Killigan and bloody Rufus stared at me. They were all waiting for me to react. Try and grab Stef, hit him or generally kick off. Well, not this time. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of saying ‘I-told-you-so’.
“Fine. Leave then.”
Stef’s whole body jerked. I might as well have hit him if his reaction was anything to go by. Good. it meant I still had the power to hurt him, even though all that did was make his behaviour that much harder to understand. He stood there and lied about me. Got everyone running around after him under false pretences. If he was so desperate to get away from me, why act all upset when I said he could go. Wasn’t that supposed to be what he wanted?
“I’ll leave you to it,” I said. “Leave your key on top of the dresser.”
Childish? Yeah, probably. I couldn’t – no, make that wouldn’t – hurt him physically, but I could still inflict pain. I could hurt him the same way he was hurting me.
I pushed past Killigan and Rufus. Deliberately, I avoided looking at the younger man, because him I would have decked without any guilt whatsoever. Would Rufus even wait until the got home before he made his move on Stef? Somehow, I doubted it.
A short while later, I found myself sitting on a picnic bench overlooking the bay, and wishing I still smoked. A cigarette would be really nice right about now. Mind you, once Stef was gone, who was there to tell me I couldn’t take it up again? I’d only given up in the first place because he didn’t like it.
