by Ellis, Kay
An hour or more passed before I saw Tony strolling across the grass toward me. He took a seat on the other side of the table.
“I thought I’d find you here.”
I shrugged, not really interested in talking to him. He wasn’t family or even a friend. He was my boss and my landlord. A lot of the time he didn’t particularly want to be either of those things, but I’d been forced on him by his sister.
“They’ve gone,” he said. “It’s okay for you to come home now.”
“Home?” I snorted. “I’m surprised I’ve still got one.”
“Of course you have. I’m not going to throw you out, and I’m not going to sack you.” He gave me an awkward look. “That doesn’t mean I agree with what you did. There’s no excuse for hitting Stefan.”
My shoulders rose and fell in another non-committal shrug. There was no point in denying it. He wouldn’t believe me, whatever I said.
“Just make sure you treat the next boyfriend with a little more respect, eh?”
I raised an eyebrow at him. “There won’t be any more boyfriends.”
“Maybe not straight away,” Tony said. “But you’re bound to find someone else eventually.”
“Tony,” I said evenly, “the only person I ever really loved just stabbed me in the back and left me to be with somebody who hates me with a passion. Call me crazy, but why the fuck would I want anyone else after that?”
12
Life was quiet without Stef around. Quiet and boring. I missed him every minute of every day, but I refused to be the one to make contact. He left me, remember? Besides, the couple of times I’d spoken to Marcie – the only one of the gang who was still talking to me – she made it perfectly clear that Stef was doing just fine without me. It was what it was. She didn’t say it to be cruel.
I went through the motions of living. Work. Home. Bed. Repeat. Existing from day to day without enjoyment. Tony hovered attentively, like he was afraid I would do something stupid. Maybe, deep down, he actually did care. It seemed more likely though, that Marcie had ordered him to keep an eye on me.
Stef had been gone for a little over two weeks when I decided enough was enough. I was sick of sitting at home, night after night, feeling sorry for myself. I was still young. Not even thirty yet. I needed to get my life back. I needed to get laid.
Well, maybe I wouldn’t go that far. I hadn’t completely given up hope that Stef would come back, and if he did, even if he never found out I’d slept with someone else, I’d know. I’d feel like I’d cheated even if, technically, we were separated at the time. A blow job though, that didn’t count, right? It would relieve some tension and I’d have a clear conscience after. And Stef couldn’t complain because getting sucked off by a stranger paled in comparison to what he’d done. I’d never exactly been a saint, so he couldn’t expect me to live like a monk while he worked his way through whatever premature mid-life crisis he was having.
I dressed in a smart, pale blue, button down shirt that Marcie had given me for a Christmas. And, no, it wasn’t lost on me that the shirt was Stef’s favourite. Personally, I was more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, but I had to have something decent for nights out on the town, rare as they were. The shirt and a pair of black chinos were the best I could do.
Tony appeared at his front door before I reached the bottom of the staircase. Was the guy like my stalker now or what? Since Stef left, I could hardly breathe without Tony watching over my shoulder.
“You going out?”
“Yup. Don’t wait up.”
“Are you going anywhere in particular?”
“Don’t know yet. Where’s a good place to get my dick sucked?”
“I… what? Well… um… are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“Why shouldn’t I?” It was fun seeing the usually unflappable Tony get so flustered. I’d shocked him and I was glad. It served him right for keep interfering in my life. “Apparently, I’m young, free and single these days.”
“Yes, I suppose that’s true,” Tony said, frowning. “Well, then there’s always The Closet.”
“Doesn’t have to be a gay bar.” I smirked at him. “A woman can do the job just as well.”
“A woman?” His frown deepened. “But I thought… I mean, you’re gay, aren’t you?”
“Only for Stef, and let’s face it, he looks pretty much like a girl anyway.”
I didn’t mean it, but for some reason I didn’t seem to have any control over the bullshit pouring from my mouth. Tony would repeat every word to Killigan and Marcie, and they would repeat it to Stef. Stef would get all hurt and tearful, especially about the whole ‘looking like a girl’ comment. And, you know what? I wasn’t sure I even cared. Guess I was angrier than I thought. Still didn’t mean I wanted to fuck anyone else, but Stef wouldn’t know that. Maybe him thinking I was out on the town, prowling the streets for a new bed partner, would be what it took to bring him to his senses.
“I’ll see you later,” I said. “I’m sure you’ve got a phone call to make.”
Leaving him to stare after me, I walked away. I was acting like a prick and I knew, but everyone thought I was one anyway so why not behave the way they expected of me? I got a bus into town and wandered around for a bit, undecided where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do when I got there. Even getting sucked off no longer felt like such a good idea, especially if it wasn’t Stef doing the sucking.
God, I was pathetic. I still loved Stef. I still wanted him back, despite the lies he’d told. Still wanted to marry him. Only that wasn’t likely to happen now, was it? Not once he heard about the things I’d said to Tony.
Eventually, I headed down to a pub on the seafront; the one where Stef and I held our engagement party just a few short months ago, and where we’d accompanied Eric on his very public date with Mason White. The landlord, Douglas, greeted me like a long lost friend. It wasn’t really me he was interested in though, and it took him all of sixty seconds to make that obvious.
“When are you bringing that rock star mate of yours in here again? Beer’s on the house when you do.”
“Not any time soon,” I said. “Mace White isn’t really a friend. Besides, he’s in America right now, about to go on tour.”
“Oh, shame. It was good for business, him coming in here.”
It didn’t look to me as though business was doing too badly, even without Mason’s presence. The place was heaving, so I paid for my drink and took it outside, away from the crowded bar and the stuffy atmosphere.
“Excuse me.”
I turned to see a guy waddling after me. he was easily as tall as me, but whereas I was quite muscular in build, his bulk was all fat. The weather wasn’t even that hot, but the guy was sweating like he’d run a marathon. Typical. The only man to show any interest in me all night, and he was so not my type.
“Not interested,” I said, turning my back on him.
“Oh, no… I wasn’t… I mean…” His voice was surprisingly soft for a man of his size. “You left your wallet on the bar. I thought…”
Great. So now I felt like a prick for cutting him dead, as well as a bit of an idiot for assuming the guy fancied me. I swung back around to face him and took my wallet from his pudgy hand. He seemed a decent enough guy, a lot of people would have taken the wallet from the bar and disappeared it into their own pocket without bothering to look for a rightful owner.
“Sorry, I’m not usually such a jerk.”
Actually, I pretty much was to anyone who wasn’t Stefan Gold, but that was my issue to deal with. I didn’t see the need to go unloading all the details of my fucked up life on a complete stranger.
“It’s okay,” he said, glancing over his shoulder at the busy pub. “I was glad of an excuse to get out of there to be honest.”
“Yeah? How come?”
I didn’t know why I was engaging the guy in conversation. He just looked kind of sad and lonely, like he could do with a friend. He’d given me my wallet back, after all. A kind
word seemed the least I could do in the circumstances.
“It’s family stuff, you know?” he said awkwardly.
“Not really. I haven’t spoken to any of my family in years.”
“Oh, right. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not. So, what? They drag you here against your will or something?”
“You could say that.” He nodded glumly. “They know I don’t like going out, but it’s my sister’s birthday so they insisted.”
“No offense,” I said, looking him up and down. “But you look like you’re big enough and ugly enough to say no to people.”
His face fell and I realised what I had said. Damn me and my big mouth. This was the exact reason I shouldn’t be allowed to talk to people. I always managed to fuck it up somehow.
“Look, I didn’t mean because you’re so… it’s just an expression. I meant your age. What are you? Twenty-six? Twenty-seven?”
“Twenty-five,” he said quietly, not sounding overly convinced by my garbled explanation. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter how old I get. My parents are not the kind of people you say no to.”
I felt like telling him to grow a pair and tell his parents to fuck off, but even having met him only a few minutes ago, I could tell he wasn’t the kind of person who’d do something like that.
“So, why don’t you like going out?” I asked, changing the subject.
“Oh, well… look at me,” he said awkwardly, his chubby face turning cherry red. “People stare. And then they judge me, even though they know nothing about me.”
As if on cue, a group of young men walked by. I didn’t see which one, but I heard somebody start singing ‘who ate all the pies?’ much to the amusement of his friends. The fat guy’s face reddened even further. I felt sorry for him, and suddenly angry on his behalf.
“Why don’t you come back here and say that again, you chicken-shit little bastard!” I yelled after the group.
They stopped walking and turned. Five against one was not good odds, but it was ages since I had a decent scrap so I took a deep breath and readied myself for a fight. Part of me was even look forward to it, right up until one of them looked me up and down and pulled his mate back.
“Fuck, that’s Alex Gill. I ain’t messing with him.”
The group turned as one and hurried away, moving a whole lot faster than they had before. It looked like my fat friend wasn’t the only one being judged. Apparently, my reputation as a tough guy preceded me even in Weymouth, and I hadn’t even done anything since moving here with Stef.
“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”
“No worries. As you can see, you’re not the only one who gets judged on your appearance.”
“At least people run away from you, rather than pointing fingers and laughing.”
Personally, I thought if he was that unhappy about his weight, he should do something about it, instead of hiding himself away the way he apparently did. That was his business though, not mine. I had no room to talk. I was far from perfect. My failing relationship with Stef was proof of that.
“You should try talking to them,” I said, sounding like the voice of maturity for the first time in my life. “You’re parents, I mean. You’re lucky to have them. I haven’t got family. Nor has Stef.”
“Is that your girlfriend?”
“Boyfriend. Stef is short for Stefan.”
“Oh, you’re…” He took a hasty step backward, his eyes going wide. “You’re a…”
“Relax,” I told him, trying not to be annoyed by his reaction. The guy was so naïve it was untrue. I got the impression he didn’t venture out into the real world that often, so he’d probably never met an honest to goodness queer before. “It’s not catching.”
“No, I didn’t… I mean… it’s just… you don’t look like one.”
I laughed out loud. “And what does one look like exactly?”
“I don’t know. I…”
“Landon, what are you doing out here?” A man appeared in the pub doorway, tall and thin and reeking of his own self-importance. Cool eyes raked over me and, obviously finding me wanting, he dismissed me without a second glance. He had the same dark hair as the fat guy, but he was a beanpole in comparison to his overweight son. “Come back inside. I’m about to make a speech.”
Landon rolled his eyes, though he was careful not to let his old man see him do it. Then he meekly followed him inside without saying another word.
I finished my drink, and gave myself the rare treat of taking a taxi home. Tony was watching from his window, probably spying on me so he could report back as to whether or not I came home alone. Thankfully, he didn’t come out to speak to me. I waved goodnight, before climbing the metal steps to my dark and lonely apartment.
Not bothering to turn any lights on, I stripped off my clothes and climbed into my cold and even lonelier bed. Even after two weeks, I still found it strange going to bed alone. Still found myself reaching for Stef in my sleep, only to wake with a start when my hand found nothing but empty sheet. Still found myself waking in the morning with empty arms and a heavy heart.
I sighed. Maybe it was time to accept that he wasn’t coming back. It was over. Stef had obviously moved on with his life and I should too.
If only it was that easy. Deep down, I knew I wasn’t ready. Not ready to give up on Stef, or on us. Not ready to let him go.
I had to go to London. Make Stef talk to me. I should be angry with him, but I wasn’t. Not really. There had to be a good reason for the lies he’d told. All I had to do was find out what that reason was, and then maybe – just maybe – I could bring my man back home where he belonged.
13
Saying I was going to London and actually doing it were two different things. For a start, my options for getting there were severely limited, if not downright non-existent. I had no money. If I asked Tony for a loan, either for a train ticket or enough to get my car out of the pound, he’d want to know what the money was for. Once I told him, he’d refuse to give it to me, just to keep me away from Stef. I could have asked to borrow his car, but again with the wanting to know why, plus his car was still in the garage anyway. My only other option was to steal a ride, but these days cars were harder to nick than they used to be. Knowing my luck, I’d take something with a tracker and end up getting arrested before I got as far as the motorway. That would finish things with Stef for good if I got banged up. Somehow, I didn’t see Killigan standing up in court and vouching for me a second time.
Help, when it came, was from an unexpected source. I was on the forecourt, valeting a Mercedes and soaking up the warm rays of the afternoon sun, when Tony came out of his office and called me.
“Alex. Phone.”
“For me?”
I didn’t think anyone had ever called me on the work phone before. It wasn’t like I dealt with the customers directly. I washed their cars, but that was all. I never actually spoke to any of the owners. If they had anything to say, praise or complaint, Tony would deal it. Anyone else who wanted to get hold of me would call my mobile.
“Do you know another Alex that works here?” Tony grumbled. “Come on. Hurry up. Don’t go tying up my business phone any longer than you have to,”
I dried my hands on my overalls as I walked into the office and picked up the handset. Tony hadn’t told me who was on the other end of the line so I didn’t really know what to expect.
“Alex.”
“Killigan?” Right now, the only person who could have surprised me more by calling me out of the blue was Rufus. “What the fuck do you want?”
“Friendly as ever I see,” Killigan muttered. “I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now, but like it not you’re going to have to. It’s about Stefan.”
“If you’re going to tell me to stay away from him, you can save your breath. I already had that lecture.”
I didn’t tell him I was planning on ignoring what he’d said the first chance I got. He’d find out soon enough, when I tu
rned up on his doorstep demanding to see my fiancé.
“Yeah, I know you did, and I’m beginning to think I was wrong,” Killigan admitted grudgingly.
“Say what?”
I was either going crazy or deaf, but I could swear I just heard Killigan admit he was wrong. It wasn’t an apology, but it was probably as close to one as I was ever going to get.
“Okay, listen to me for a minute, will you?” Killigan continued. “And keep your smart-arse comments to yourself.”
“Fine,” I said crossly. “Go on then. Say what you’ve got to say.”
“We’re worried about Stefan. He’s hiding something.”
Well, no shit Sherlock. Finally, someone other than me could see it. I didn’t say anything though, just waited it out to see what earth-shattering revelation Killigan would come out with next.
“He’s miserable, Alex. Spends all his time in his room doing nothing but stare out of the window. He… misses you. He says he doesn’t, but it’s obvious.”
Again with the ‘no shit’. I still didn’t know what game Stef thought he was playing, but I did know one thing. We’d been inseparable for two years. The two of us against the world. A person couldn’t suddenly switch their feelings off like that, of course he fucking missed me.
“There’s something else,” Killigan told me. “Stefan said, “He’s found me once, he’ll find me again”. That doesn’t make sense, Alex, not if he’s talking about you.”
“He’s not,” I told him flatly. “How many times do I have to say it? I never hurt Stef. I wouldn’t. There’s someone else, and for whatever fucked up reason, Stef is protecting him. All I know is, the guy drives a beat-up, old style Ford Escort.”
“You’ve seen him?”
“Yeah, parked across the street from Tony’s house. It was only once, but it scared the crap out of Stef.”
