by Ellis, Kay
We didn’t speak much after that, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I didn’t know what was on Rufus’ mind, but I hoped he might have had some sort of epiphany and finally realised mine and Stef’s relationship was for real. Maybe it was actually sinking into his thick head that I was going to be around for a long time to come. The silence in the car wasn’t exactly what you might call companionable, but we weren’t at each other’s throats either which was an improvement. Maybe Killigan was onto something. If Stef and Amanda saw that Rufus and I could be civil to each other for once, they might be more prepared to give us a fair hearing.
Pulling up outside the modest semi-detached house where Amanda and her boyfriend Dan lived, we sat staring through the windscreen of the car, both of us suddenly reluctant to go and knock on the door. It wasn’t that I was scared of Amanda. I wasn’t really scared of anyone when it came down to it. It was more that none of my previous encounters with Stef’s former flatmate had ever been entirely positive. Amanda was a tough little cookie, and part of the problem was that she wasn’t scared of me either.
“He’s in there,” I said, more to myself than anyone, but obviously Rufus assumed I was talking to him.
“How do you know?” he asked, peering up at the house. “Did you see him at the window?”
“No. I just feel it in my bones.”
“In your…? Oh, well, that’s alright then.”
He was taking the piss, but I ignored it. I climbed out of the car and took a deep breath. No point putting it off any longer. Stef obviously wasn’t going to come to me, so I had to be the bigger man and go in and get him. I walked up the path to the front door, vaguely aware of Rufus scurrying after me.
The door swung open before I could even lift my hand to knock. Stef’s pet guard dog, a.k.a. Amanda, stood on the doorstep, snapping at me like a rabid terrier.
“No, absolutely not. He doesn’t want to see you, so you can get straight back in your car and go away again. “Her eyes flickered over Rufus coldly. “And take him with you.”
“I just want to talk to him,” I said. “Come on, Amanda. Five minutes, I promise. I’d never hurt him. You have to know that.”
“I know you tried to strangle him,” she retorted. “What was that if not hurting him?”
“That was years ago. Stef forgave me for that.”
I’d been lucky back then, I knew that. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, just make him listen to me. I’d been a little heavy handed, true, especially given the difference between us in size, but things were different back then. I was different. Everyone had been furious when Stef had refused to press charges, but we’d gotten past it; put it behind us and moved on.
“Pull the other one,” Amanda said, glaring angrily. “I know you’ve been abusing him, Alex. I’ve seen the bruises. He told me it was you who put them there.”
“He’s lying,” I told her, surprising myself with how patient I was being. That patience was running out fast though. The woman was standing between me and my man and I wasn’t going to tolerate that for much longer. “I think he’s trying to protect me. Ask Rufus if you don’t believe me.”
“Rufus? Seriously?” Amanda laughed in my face. “What are you even doing with him? This is the man who has spent the last two years trying to break you and Stefan up.”
“Rufus tell her.”
Silence. I glanced over my shoulder, saw the calculating look on his face and knew instantly our truce was well and truly over. He was going to stab me in the back and not even feel bad about doing it.
“Let me see him then,” he said to Amanda. “I’d never do anything to hurt him.”
“Except hit on him when he’s vulnerable,” Amanda said with a disdainful snort.
“Is that why you came?” I snapped. “So you could get to him first and try your luck again?”
There must have been something in my growl that warned Rufus he’d crossed a line. He took a hasty step backward. Oh yeah, he was definitely making his own way home. After all that fake bullshit he’d given me in the car, the fucker could start walking now as far as I was concerned.
I looked back at Amanda. Over her shoulder I could see her staircase, and a pair of bare feet near the top. I couldn’t see the rest of him, but I’d recognise those skinny feet anywhere.
“Stef, please, just talk to me,” I said. “I know you think you’re keeping me out of trouble, but this isn’t the way to do it?”
“Keeping you out of trouble in what way?” Amanda demanded. “You mean by not reporting you?”
“No, he’s not telling me who really hurt him because he doesn’t want me to go after them,” I explained. “He thinks he can stop me from going to prison.”
Amanda stared at me for a long moment. She was considering what I’d said, putting two and two together and finally coming up with something that made sense. She turned to look up the staircase.
“Is that true?” Stef must have nodded, because she sighed heavily before facing me again. “I think you’d better come in.”
“What about him?” I jerked a thumb at Rufus.
“Up to you.” Amanda smirked, already knowing what my answer would be.
“See ya,” I said to Rufus as I stepped into hallway. “I think I saw a bus-stop at the end of the road.”
I closed the door in Rufus’ outraged face, cutting off whatever protest he’d been about to make. Then I lifted my gaze to the stop of the stairs, where Stef sat with tears rolling down his pale face.
“Hey, Princess.” He didn’t answer, but I got a watery smile at least. “You want to get your skinny arse down here so we can sort this mess out?”
He stood and began to make his way slowly down the stairs, his eyes never leaving my face. It would take him all fucking day to reach me at the rate he was moving.
“Stef, get here now!” I barked.
Behind me, Amanda made a disapproving noise at the way I spoke to him, but she didn’t get it. She didn’t understand the way our relationship worked or that Stef liked for me to take control. Stef got it though. He knew my barking an order at him was my way of telling him nothing had changed between us. He threw himself down the last few stairs and into my waiting arms, burying his face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly.
“Bring him in here,” Amanda said.
Just four little words, but I didn’t think she had ever spoken to me so nicely in the whole time I had known her. It was the way it had always been with all of Stef’s friends. He could tell them until he was blue in the face that he loved me, but they would never believe him. Not until they saw it with their own eyes, like Amanda was doing now.
I let her lead the way into the living room. All those pastel colours and throw cushions were not to my taste, but who was I judge? I didn’t even have a living room. Carefully, I lowered myself onto the hideous floral-patterned sofa. Stef straddled my thighs and continued to snivel and hiccup into my shoulder, while I stroked his back soothingly. Amanda sat in the armchair and watched us, a worried look on her face.
“I’m sorry,” she said awkwardly, “for believing him when he said it was you.”
“You’re his best friend.” I shrugged. For Stef’s sake, I had to act like it didn’t matter. The smallest flash of temper, and not only would it send Stef running, it would make Amanda think twice about her apology. “I’m glad he’s got you to look out for him.”
“You said he’s trying to protect you,” Amanda said. “How did you figure it out?”
“I didn’t.” Much as I didn’t want to give him credit for anything, I was doing my best to be honest here. “Believe it or not, it was Rufus.”
“And you’re still making him walk home?” Amanda arched an eyebrow. “That’s harsh.”
“He’ll live.”
On my lap, Stef had stopped blubbering into my t-shirt. He was listening to us talk, although I liked to think part of it was him being comforted by the sound of my voice. I nudged him and he sat up. I hated how pale an
d sad he looked and the dark circles that ringed his heavy eyes. His hair, usually his pride and joy, was lank and greasy.
“I’m a mess,” he said, catching me looking at him.
“You’re beautiful to me, babe,” I told him. He lips lifted slightly at the corners, although it wasn’t exactly a smile. “You ready to talk to me now?”
“Sorry,” he muttered, staring at my chest.
“Yeah? For what?”
I wasn’t trying to be deliberately hard on him, but we needed to start talking and we’d never get anywhere by pussy-footing about.
“For… for all of it. For lying. For leaving. For telling everyone it was you who hit me.”
“Oh, that. Yeah, you should be sorry.”
Amanda looked like she was about to say something. I silenced her with a look. She might be Stef’s best friend, but I was his lover. I knew how to handle him better than she ever would.
“Right, so now you’ve apologised, you can explain why you did it.”
Stef ducked his head. “You know why.”
“No, I only think I know why. I want you to tell me.”
“I don’t…”
“Start at the beginning. Tell me who this is and why you’re protecting them.”
“I’m not… I’d never…” Stef’s head shot up, his eyes impossibly wide. Finally, I got a reaction. I still wasn’t sure if it was me he was protecting or the guy in the baseball cap. Stef sighed. “Alex, I know you. If I told you, you wouldn’t be able to let it go. You’d hunt him down. Even if you didn’t do anything, he’d have you arrested on some trumped-up charge and you’d end up in prison. That’s what he wants. To take you away from me.”
“That isn’t going to happen,” I assured him, certainly not the way Stef was saying anyway. If I went down, it wouldn’t be on bogus charges. It would be because I beat the living daylights out of the guy. “Tell me who it is, Stef.”
He studied my face anxiously, he emerald eyes filled with doubt. “You have to promise me you won’t go after him. If he doesn’t get what he wants, maybe he’ll go away on his own.”
“Okay, I promise.” I didn’t physically cross my fingers, but I pictured them as crossed in my mind, which was the same thing, right? “But what does he want anyway? What does he get out of putting me in prison?”
“I told you, he wants to split us up. He wants to see me suffer. Well, that and money. He says he’ll leave us alone for the right price.”
I snorted. “He’s shit out of luck there. We haven’t got any money.”
It still didn’t make sense though. Who was this guy? And why target Stef?
“I had to make it look as though I’d left you,” Stef said. “I thought he’d leave you alone if we weren’t together anymore. And, I thought if you hated me for lying about you, you wouldn’t beat him up and get into trouble.”
I nodded. In his own fucked up way, he thought he was doing the right thing. He believed he was protecting me in the only way he knew how.
“You still haven’t told me who he is.”
Stef glanced at Amanda and then back at me. he shifted awkwardly in my lap.
“It’s my dad,” he said quietly. “The man behind all of this… he’s my dad.”
15
“Oh, Stefan, are you sure?” Amanda moved from the armchair to sit beside us on the sofa, her concern for Stef outweighing her dislike for me. “It’s been such a long time since you’ve seen him.”
“It’s been ten years,” Stef said flatly, “but I still recognise my own dad when I see him.”
“How did he find you?” I asked.
I didn’t know much about Stef’s parents because neither of us really liked to talk about our rubbish families. All I knew was his dad had beaten him up and thrown him down the stairs when Stef was fifteen. It didn’t matter though. We lived for today, planned for tomorrow, and the past was where it belonged. In the past. Except, apparently it wasn’t anymore.
“You remember that night out with Eric and Mason?”
I remembered it well. It had been their very public first date and Eric had dragged us along for protection. Or support. Whatever. Anyway, we had drawn quite a crowd. At least, Mace White, famous rock-star had. We’d just been in the background really.
“There was a picture of the four of us in the paper, and it was all over the internet. It said Mace White was in Weymouth. He tracked me down from there.” Stef ground the heels of his hands into his eyes to stop the fresh flow of tears. “He knows I haven’t got any money. He wants me to get it from Mason.”
“You know Mason would give you the money if you asked,” I said, thinking hard.
Surely going to Mason for help would have been easier than putting us through all the shit that he had; all the lying and running away, trying to destroy our relationship. What was the point of it all when the answer was as simple as asking a friend for a loan? We could have paid off Stef’s dad at the very beginning and all this would have gone away. The way Stef had behaved made no sense to me. Despite what he said, I still found it hard to be sure I was the one he was protecting and not his old man.
“I’m not asking Mason for the money,” Stef said, shaking his head.
“What? Why not?” Amanda’s outraged cry came before I could utter a word. “Don’t be so stupid, Stefan. Take the money.”
I couldn’t have put it better myself. Part of me wanted to know why he didn’t want the money. Was he worried his dad would leave once he was paid off? Was that it? The guy was still his dad at the end of the day, and the only family Stef had. Did he actually want him to stay around?
“It won’t change anything,” Stef said in a small voice. “Even if he left this time, he’d soon be back for more. It’s not even about the money. Not really. He’s never going to leave me alone, Alex. He won’t let me be happy with you.”
“Then we go to the police,” I told him. Yeah. Me. Mr Anti-Police personified. This was different though. It wasn’t about me and my dubious past. It was about Stef and keeping him safe. If I couldn’t settle the matter with my fists, then maybe I’d have to have to swallow my aversion to all things legal and ask for help. “We’ll talk to Killigan. He’ll know what to do.”
“I don’t know.” Stef looked doubtful. “What if it makes things worse?”
“How can it?” I asked. “He’s blackmailing you, Stef. He could go to prison for that.”
“Yes, but what if –”
“For fuck’s sake, Stef!” I dumped him off of my lap and onto the sofa. Jumping to my feet, I began pacing the floor, angry, but also painfully aware that Amanda was watching me closely. “Why are you defending this fucking prick?”
“I’m… I’m not…”
Instantly, his green eyes filled with tears. Always with the waterworks. Like crying ever solved anything. Amanda put her arms around Stef’s shoulders and glared at me accusingly.
“Alex, I get that you’re upset, but –”
“Really? You get it, do you? Are you the one he lied about? Did he get you arrested? Tell everyone you were the one hitting him? Did he leave you when he’s supposed to love you? I don’t think so, Amanda, so don’t sit there telling me you fucking get it.”
“I did it for you!” Stef screamed. He leapt to his feet, angry tears pouring down his face, hands bunching into fists at his sides. “All of it was to protect you.”
“You did it for yourself!” I was yelling too, my temper frayed beyond the point of seeing reason. He’d hurt me, betrayed my trust. Cost me car and almost my job and my home too. And now he was telling me it was all for my own good? Un-fucking-believable. “Look at me, Stef. I don’t need you to protect me.”
“I know!” Stef sobbed. “I know and that’s why I had to try. Because I know you don’t need me as much as I need you.”
The anger drained out of me as abruptly as it had arrived, taking every ounce of my energy with it. I sagged into the armchair Amanda had vacated and leaned forward, elbows on knees and face in hands. Ev
erything was so messed up. I couldn’t fight any longer. Every time I thought I was close to figuring this shit out, something else came along to punch me right in the gut.
“Of course I need you, Stef. I love you to fucking pieces.”
Stef dropped to the floor in front of me.
“I know you do, baby, but it’s always you looking after me. Just this once, I wanted to be the one taking care of you.”
“You saved my life, Stef.”
It was true. My former friends had tried to kill me twice when they found out I was gay. First they’d stabbed me seventeen times and left me bleeding out in the gutter. The second time had been while I was unconscious in the hospital. Stef had been the one to save me from a lethal heroin overdose, after my police guard had failed spectacularly. Even though Stef had been injured at the time, he had fought off two guys twice his size until help arrived. How could he have forgotten that?
More than physically saving me from my attackers, Stef had saved me from myself. He’d saved me from the horrible person I had been back then. He’d shown me a whole different world to the miserable existence that was all I’d known until he sashayed into my life.
“You hurt me, Stef,” I told him. Amanda was listening too, but I didn’t give a flying fuck what she thought. “I don’t care if you don’t want me to batter your old man. It’s not about that. It’s about the fact you don’t trust me. You wouldn’t even talk to me.”
“I’m sorry.” Stef pulled my hands away from my face before wriggling into the gap between my legs. “I’ve been so stupid, I see that now. Please, Alex, I won’t push you away again, I promise. I just want to go home.”
“Okay.” I gave in. Crumbled. When had I ever not when it came to Stef? “But we have to go and speak to Killigan first. You need to tell him everything.”
