by Ellis, Kay
Whatever was going on with Stef, I was going to sort it out by myself.
18
When Tony arrived home later that day, he found me sat at the bottom of the metal staircase, a cigarette hanging from my fingers. He hesitated, glancing from me to his front door. The guy just wanted to go home and put his feet up after a long day at work and who could blame him for that? Basically though, he was a decent guy. Way too decent to keep on walking and pretend he hadn’t noticed there was something wrong. More shit. More drama. It was a miracle the guy bothered with me at all any more.
“I thought you gave that up,” he said, pointing to the cigarette.
“I did.”
“So, when did you start again?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps around the time Stef fucked me over with some bitch copper and then left me. Again.”
“Wait. He’s gone? Are you sure?”
“Sure as I can be. “I looked up at him, trying to read into his expression. “Did you know?”
“What? No, of course I didn’t.” Tony ran a hand through his hair, exasperated. “Alex, I know you find this hard to believe, but I’m on your side here.”
“I didn’t know you had to choose. See, me and Stef, we’ve always been on the same side. Me and him against the world.”
“And maybe that’s still true,” Tony said quickly. “You don’t know where he is, Alex. Maybe he went into town and forgot the time. He could have got talking to someone he knows from college. Hey, maybe… maybe he went into college to get his place on his course back.”
He was clutching at straws. He knew it. I knew it. Like I would buy into that ‘lost-track-of-time’ bullshit anyway. Stef knew we were heading to the station as soon as I got back from the garage. He wouldn’t have forgotten that and gone off somewhere on a whim. Disappearing like he had, leaving me to go to the police station on my own, that had been a deliberate act.
“Fuck it,” I said, tossing away the cigarette butt. Tony frowned as he looked at in lying in the gravel, but he obviously decided, under the circumstances, not to pull me up on it. “I’m done.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m done with him, Tony. Done with letting him walk all over me and done with chasing after him. If Stef doesn’t want to be with me anymore, then fine. He can go.”
“Alex, you don’t know that’s what this is.”
“I don’t care what this is!”
I knew I was shouting, but I couldn’t stop myself. What did they all think? That I was just a big stupid lump who would just put up with being treated like shit forever? Well, forget that. Forget Stef too. I’d changed my whole life for him. I’d let everyone believe I was the bad guy, when all along Stef was the one who caused all the drama in our relationship.
Tony was still talking, but I ignored him, trudging up the stairs to my shithole excuse for an apartment and slamming the door behind me. Locked it too for good measure. If Stef wanted to come back this time, he would have to fucking beg on bended knee to be allowed in. I’d had enough of playing nice. Of always being the patient, understanding one because Stef was a spoiled brat, a precious little princess who thought he had big, dumb Alex wrapped around his little finger. Well, no more.
Alone and angry, I suddenly realised I didn’t know what to do with myself. There was nobody I could talk to or confide in. Every single person in my life was there for Stef, not me. Even Marcie, who had been a good friend before, was a staunch member of Team Stef these days thanks to her relationship with Killigan.
I threw myself on the bed, draping an arm across my eyes with a dramatic groan. Usually I had to have had a few drinks before I started feeling sorry for myself, but I was sure as Hell feeling it then even without the help of alcohol. Shit, I was so confused. I hated Stef for running out on me again. I loved him so much that losing him was about to break my fucking heart. I hoped he never came home because I didn’t trust myself if I saw him again. I’d probably punch him in the face or something equally as stupid. Prove them all right about me. Oh God, what if he never came back. What if I never saw him again? What did I do then?
Grow a pair. Move on. That was the answer. How was I supposed to move on though? I didn’t know who I was without Stef. For all I knew, I wasn’t even gay. Not really. The only man I’d ever looked at twice was Stef. Other men didn’t interest me. Nor did women these days. The only person I wanted was Stef. If I believed in all that crap – which I didn’t – I’d say he was my soulmate. Except soulmates didn’t leave without a backward glance, did they? Apparently, Stef didn’t have any problem moving on without me.
I guess I fell asleep at some point, because the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes to the unwelcome sight of Marcie and Killigan standing at the foot of my bed. I sat up and glared at them.
“How the fuck did you get in?”
“Tony has a key obviously,” Marcie said, smiling sweetly. “How do you think?”
“Yeah, well… he’s got no right letting you in without asking me,” I grumbled, shuffling to the end of the bed.
Marcie and Killigan had to move out of the way so that I could stand up. I followed them into the living area and stopped short.
“Oh great. You’re all here.”
Marcie, Killigan, Tony, Amanda and bloody Rufus. The whole damn Scooby-gang – minus Stef, of course. Not that they were here out of concern for me. I could see it in their eyes. They thought I’d done something to Stef. They had probably come to find out where I’d hidden the body.
“He’s not here,” I said, pointing out the obvious.
“We know that,” Killigan began. “We just –”
“I need a piss.”
I cut him off abruptly and walked into the small bathroom, deliberately leaving the door open. I heard Amanda and that bitchy little queen Rufus making disgusted noises as I pissed into the bowl. Screw ‘em. This was my home and they were there uninvited. If they didn’t like it, they could leave. In fact, I’d prefer it if they did.
No such luck. I came out of the bathroom and there they all were, lined up like a fucking firing squad. Folding my arms, I stared down each and every one of them. One by one they dropped their gaze to the floor; all except Amanda, but then she’d always been a bit on the feisty side.
“Have you heard from Stefan?” she demanded.
Typical. Stef left me and she made it sound like it was all my fault he’d taken off without saying a word.
“Nope.” I shrugged. “Have you?”
I knew she hadn’t. None of them had or they wouldn’t be there.
“Nobody’s heard anything,” Marcie said patiently. “We’re all very worried about him, sweetheart.”
“What do you want me to do about it? He left me, remember?”
“Perhaps you could talk us through it,” Killigan said. “Tell us exactly what happened after you got back.”
“I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t here.”
“Alex, no one is accusing you of anything.”
That was Marcie, trying to placate me and keep the situation from getting out of hand, just like she always did whenever I was in a room with Killigan and Rufus. Not that I was falling for it. They didn’t turn up unannounced – all bloody five of them – without an agenda. They wanted something. Namely, to gang up on me until I confessed to burying Stef in the back garden.
“Please, Alex.” Killigan tried again. “Start at the beginning. We’re just trying to figure out where he is. Nobody’s judging you.”
“I am,” Rufus said with an inelegant snort. “Stefan wouldn’t disappear without telling me. That monster has done something to him. I just know it.”
“What if I have?” I snarled, moving towards Rufus menacingly. “What are you going to do about it, you little –”
“Alex, that’s enough!” Killigan stepped forward and put a steadying hand on my chest, even as Rufus squealed and ducked for cover behind the bigger built cop.
“See? I told you he was
violent.”
“Rufus, shut up,” Killigan snapped, without taking his eyes from me. “Alex, I don’t believe Stefan would leave you without saying something, either to you or one of us. We want to help, that’s all.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“I believe you,” Killigan said smoothly. I knew what he was doing. Positioning himself between me and the others. Making me focus on him. Trying to fool me into thinking he was my friend and wanting me to forget the others and the fact none of them believed me. Well, Tony said that he did and Marcie would pretend, but Amanda and Rufus were only ever going to think the worst. In their eyes I would always be the villain while Princess Stefan could never put a foot wrong.
“Listen,” Killigan continued. “I know you went to see Tony. Stefan was here when you left, right?”
“Yeah, he was in bed,” I said grudgingly, because… well, Killigan was still a cop, wasn’t he? Not to mention the fact he was the closest thing I would ever have to a father-in-law since he was Stef’s self-appointed father figure. “We were going into town together when I got back. I was gone for longer than I expected though, what with Tony offering me the new job and everything.”
“New job?” Marcie asked, her gaze going from me to her brother with an enquiring look.
Tony shrugged. “I told you I’m expanding. I decided to move Alex up. He’s earned it.”
“Enough about bloody Alex,” Amanda interrupted crossly. “Nobody’s interested. We’re here for Stefan.”
“Yes, I’m well aware of that,” Killigan said shortly. I guess he wasn’t used to having his interrogations go off on a tangent and his methods second guessed by other people. “Alex, please, carry on. What happened when you got back here?”
Nothing happened.” I rolled my eyes. “Stef had already gone.”
“Did he leave a note?”
“Would you be here if he had?”
“Well, did you notice if there was anything missing? Did he take his stuff with him?”
“No.” I was starting to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had I read this whole situation wrong somehow? I’d been so angry with Stef that I hadn’t thought it through clearly. What if something had happened to him? What if he was lying hurt somewhere and I’d been too busy throwing a Rufus-style hissy fit to realise? “His bag’s still where it was dropped it when we got home.”
“Was anything out of place?” Killigan looked as worried as I now felt. So did the others. Even that little prick Rufus seemed to realise there could be something serious going on. “Were there any signs of a struggle?”
“You think someone took him?”
Shit. This couldn’t be happening. Not to Stef. Not to me. Hadn’t we been through enough? I felt the bile rise in my throat and turned away from the others so that none of them would see my moment of weakness. Losing Stef because he left me was one thing. Losing him because someone had taken him against his will was something else entirely. I was scared. Panicked. And so fucking angry that I knew without a doubt I would kill whoever it was that had him.
“It’s something we need to consider,” Killigan said. “I think we need to call the police in on this, Alex.”
“You are the police.”
“I mean in an official capacity. There’s nothing I can do on my own. If we’re going to find Stefan, we need help.”
I shrugged, knowing I had no real say in the matter. Killigan was right though. It was time to call in the experts. I tried to ignore that he’d said if we find him; like it was questionable whether or not we actually would.
“That bitch copper at the station,” I said, “she told me if anything happened to Stef, she’d hold me responsible. They’re going to arrest me, aren’t they?”
I thought I heard a muted ‘Good’ from Rufus, who was still hiding behind Killigan like the coward he was. Killigan shook his head.
“I won’t let that happen, but you have to be honest with them, Alex. Don’t front up to them with that fuck-the-law attitude of yours.”
I had to smirk at that. Killigan had interviewed me himself a time or two in the past, and I had never once made it easy for him. Obstinate silence was my go-to response for every question the cops threw at me. Mainly I’d done it because it royally fucked off whoever it conducting the interview, but I couldn’t do that now. Not just because I’d changed from the person I was back then, but because this was about finding Stef and not my issues with the police. I’d done Stef a huge injustice by assuming he’d left me. Now, if someone had him, it was down to me to do whatever it took to bring him home.
19
Three days passed with no news of Stef. It felt like my life was no longer my own. The cops had crawled over every inch of the apartment, apparently searching for clues. They found nothing. I’d sat through two excruciatingly awkward interviews with that bitch Connor. Despite my silent promise to Stef to cooperate, something about the woman rubbed me up the wrong way. It was only Killigan’s steadying presence that persuaded me to talk to her at all.
The Scooby gang moved into Tony’s, like none of them had jobs to go back to. Marcie wanted me to move over there with them, but there was no way that was happening. Me and Rufus living under the same roof would be a crime scene just waiting to happen. At least with him over there and me alone and brooding in the apartment, I didn’t have to see him.
On the fourth day, it rained heavily without letting up. The incessant drumming on the flat roof of the apartment drove me half crazy. I stood at the kitchen sink and stared out of the small window at the gunmetal sky and the thick sheets of steadily falling water. Was Stef dry and warm wherever he was? Or was he out in the rain, cold and wet and afraid?
If he was, then so I should be I decided. Leaving the apartment, I made my way down the staircase and sat on the bottom step. Within seconds, the rain soaked through my t-shirt and jeans. I shivered, trying in vain to light a cigarette with shaking hands. It was useless, of course. My lighter refused to spark, which hardly mattered anyway given the cigarette had practically turned to mush under the onslaught of the rain.
I didn’t know how long I sat there. Not thinking. Not seeing. Not feeling anything other than the cold as it seeped into my bones. It was nothing more than I deserved. What kind of man accused his boyfriend of leaving him when really he’d been abducted? If – when – Stef came home, I wouldn’t blame him if he never forgave me.
A travel mug suddenly appeared under my nose. I looked up, surprised to see Rufus standing in front of me, sheltered from the rain by a huge golf umbrella.
“What the fuck do you want?”
He glanced down at the mug, as though he thought the answer to that should be blatantly obvious even to a loser like me.
“Hot chocolate,” he said. “Don’t worry, I didn’t make it. Marcie did.”
“Right.” I reached out and took the mug, wrapping my hands around the warm surface. “You can go now.”
He turned away, took a few steps and then turned back.
“You should go inside. You’ll make yourself ill if you stay out here in this. Then what use will you be when Stef comes home?”
“What do you care?”
“I don’t. Not about you. But I care about Stefan and I miss him.” He paused. “Almost as much as you do.”
Like I wanted fake sympathy from him of all people. “Fuck off, Doofus.”
His jaw tightened. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I actually hurt his precious feelings. He didn’t fool me though. I knew his concern was about as genuine as a …
“Stefan loves you,” Rufus said quietly. “God knows why, but he does. I know what I said before, but him disappearing… it’s not your fault, Alex.”
He walked away, leaving me feeling like a complete shit. For the first time in the two years I’d known him, Rufus had tried to be nice to me. No drama. No snide comments. And I’d thrown it back in his face. Sometimes, I really sucked at being even a halfway decent human being. I almost called him back
to apologise, but I soon changed my mind. Knowing Rufus, he wouldn’t believe me anyway.
And, much as I hated to admit it, he was right. Sitting out in the rain to punish myself for doubting Stef was ridiculous. I couldn’t afford to get sick. If… when Stef came home, I would need to be there for him. I had to be strong.
Taking the mug with me, I went back upstairs. As soon as I was out of the rain, I began to shiver uncontrollably. Stripping off my wet clothes, I went into the bathroom and started the shower running. I pushed up the door so that the steam could build up and heat the tiny room.
I took my time in the shower. The hot water was not enough to wash away my troubles, but at least it thawed out my frozen bones. While I dried off, I sipped at my hot chocolate. It was lukewarm by that time, but it was sugary sweet and tasted too good to waste.
I dressed quickly in a pair of fleece-lined sweatpants and with a thick hooded jacket over my t-shirt. Maybe I was getting old, but for the first time in my life I wished I had a pair of comfy slippers to keep my feet warm.
For a while, I lay on the bed, cold, lonely and miserable. I was too restless too sleep, even though I was tired enough. What would Stef think if he could see me now? Wallowing in self-pity. Weak and useless. Moping around and not doing a damn thing to help find him. He’d never believe it if he knew I was sitting on my arse, leaving it all to the police to bring him home.
I sat up, annoyed with myself. Since when did I rely on the cops for anything? Killigan might be keeping the wolves from my door for now, but I saw the way they looked at me. From that stuck-up bitch of a detective to the freshest faced constable: they all thought I was the one behind Stef’s disappearance. Four days and they’d come up with absolutely nothing. I mean, how hard were they actually looking? The cops would never help me. I should have known that from the start. Getting out of bed, I changed from my sweats to a dry pair of jeans. My boots were still damp, but there was nothing I could do about that. I didn’t have any others. I pulled them on and jogged down the stairs and across the courtyard to the main house.
