My Lullaby of You

by Alia Rose

  When I left Phil’s house an hour later, I thought of Amy and how things had been that last week I was in Shelby. Amy had been happy and supportive of the record deal and as much as I owed my success to her, I never really got the chance to tell her. If only I had told her the truth before she found out some other way, and if only I’d had the courage to say what I’d left unsaid, maybe things could have been different. It felt too late to fix any of it, all the damage, but deep down I hoped it wasn’t.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  Amy

  I was sitting in the apartment, reading a chapter in my English textbook, when Cassie stormed in and plopped down next to me. I looked up and then back down at my book, continuing to read. Cassie leaned over and glanced at what I was reading. She wasn’t in my English class, or any of my classes for that matter. She was a fashion major but hung out with all the architecture majors.

  “So,” she finally said. “We are going to see the musical Rent this weekend.”

  It wasn’t a question, or a matter of whether or not I wanted to go. Cassie made the rules of the world and apparently I had to obey them. I didn’t answer, and she sighed dramatically. “You aren’t going to your dad’s house, so that can’t be an excuse, and it’s not a party, so if you refuse to go I’m just going to give up on trying to help with your anti-socialness.”

  “What time?” I said before she continued on with her speech.

  She looked at me. “Uh, we were going to get pizza around five and walk to the theater around six thirty. The show starts at seven.”

  “Okay,” I said, turning a page of my book.

  “Great,” she said, confused. I looked at her, and finally got the reaction I’d been expecting.

  Cassie squealed and hugged me. “It’s going to be so fun!”

  She got up and walked over to the kitchen. “Oh, by the way,” she said, peaking her head around the wall. “Dan is coming too.” She smiled and winked at me.

  I shook my head. “I’m not interested in getting involved with anyone.”

  “Well, okay. But just to let you know, Dan’s the one that suggested the whole thing, and he made a point of asking me to ask you to come along.”

  “You didn’t ask me,” I pointed out.

  “Sure I did—just a little more forcefully.” She came back into the living room and sat next to me. “What are you working on?”

  “I have a final paper due next week,” I answered.

  “Ah, so do I. Have to love end-of-semester finals!” she sang. “Oh!” she patted my knee. “I’m picking out your outfit too.” She got up and skipped to the bedroom.

  “I am capable of dressing myself, you know,” I called out. Cassie ignored me, and I could hear her humming and rummaging through my closet.

  “Cassie!” I hissed as I swatted her hand away from my hair for the third time. “It’s not prom. This will do.”

  “Okay, but—” she objected.

  “No.”

  “Let me just—” She picked up the mousse bottle.

  “No!” I said again.

  “Fine,” she whined.

  “Let’s go. We are already almost late,” I said, trying to find a way to escape the apartment and Cassie’s claws.

  “We have ten minutes!” she called out to me as I walked toward the door.

  “Come on!” I said over my shoulder.

  “All right, all right.” She trotted to the door, her heels clicking on the floor. She pulled her sweater down and adjusted her leggings.

  I had convinced Cassie that my black skirt and blue sweater would be enough for a musical, and that I didn’t need to wear heels. She approved my black boots.

  We met up with Mel, Tina, Dan, and two other guys I didn’t know. The pizza place, famous for deep dish, was a quarter of a mile away. I looked down at Cassie, Mel, and Tina’s feet, satisfied to know my feet wouldn’t be going through unnecessary pain. We began walking, Cassie on my right and one of the other guys on my left. He had his arm around Mel, so I assumed that he was her boyfriend. I hadn’t ever hung out with Mel or Tina outside of our studio, so I felt a little awkward.

  “Why are we going to this again?” Tina asked, breaking the silence.

  Mel nudged her. “Dan wanted to.”

  We all looked at Dan, who shrugged.

  “I liked the movie,” Cassie chimed in.

  I nodded in agreement.

  It was still light outside but freezing cold and windy. I still wasn’t used to Chicago’s weather. It was like being locked in a freezer for four months.

  After pizza we made our way back in the direction of the theater. We still had half an hour before the musical would start, so we waited in the lobby. I went over to stand by the information desk where Dan was standing, looking at a brochure. Mel came and stood next to me, looking over to where her boyfriend stood in line for a Rent t-shirt. I followed her gaze, watching the line.

  There was a sharp intake of breath.

  Mel and I looked over to where it had come from. Dan glanced up from the brochure. “What?”

  “Peter Pan?” Mel asked, raising her eyebrows and looking at the brochure in his hands.

  “What’s wrong with Peter Pan?”

  I glanced down at the brochure as he flipped it shut.

  “It’s for kids,” Mel said.

  “What’s for kids?” Cassie asked, joining us. I looked at Dan.

  “Peter Pan is not just for kids,” Dan argued. Cassie looked around, confused.

  Mel rolled her eyes. “We are not going to see Peter Pan, Dan. You already forced us to go to this play.”

  “I didn’t force you guys!” he said, folding the brochure and slipping it into his pocket. I held back a smile. I had loved Peter Pan as a child and saw the play when I was really young.

  “I didn’t ask you to go anyways,” he said.

  Mel snorted. “You were going to—don’t even pull that one.”

  He shrugged.

  “I’ll go with you.” Everyone turned and looked at me. A slow smile formed on Cassie’s face.

  Dan saluted me. “At least someone has good taste.” He grinned and held out his arm for me to take. It was strange, but it was the first time since September that I actually felt like I could belong here.

  So I smiled and rolled my eyes, but took the arm anyway. We led the group back to the theater, and I knew Cassie was having a field day behind me.

  “I know you were just being nice,” Dan said to me.

  “What?” I said, looking at him.

  He glanced at me. “About Peter Pan.”

  “Oh,” I said. “No, actually I like Peter Pan. I saw the play when I was six and loved it, but I don’t really remember it. I would like to see it again.”

  “Oh,” he said, surprised.

  I nodded. “We don’t have to go together, though.”

  He shrugged. “Only if you want to. I have no problem with going to plays alone.”

  I smiled. “Why not?”

  “Great,” he said as we found our seats. He sat next to me, and as I waited for the play to start, I thought of ways I could hint to Dan that friendship was all I wanted. It wasn’t something I could just bring up. I thought of Seth and how we had just known where we stood in our relationship. It hadn’t been something we’d needed to say out loud. Other people, however, needed to know exactly where things were headed.

  When we walked back from the musical we took a detour and walked the trail along Lake Michigan. Dan walked next to me and we walked ahead of the others, probably because I wasn’t wearing heels. I looked out at the lake and ached for home.

  “It’s pretty, isn’t it?” Dan said. I looked at him. We stopped walking, waiting for the others.

  “It’s practically frozen,” I said flatly.

  He laughed. “It’s December. What did you expect?”

  “Water doesn’t freeze in North Carolina.”

  “Nothing freezes in North Carolina,” he corrected me.

  “That’s tr
ue.” I could almost see the waves and feel the hot sand between my toes. I really did love the beach almost more than anything. At this time of night I would have been out sitting on the sand, feeling the waves against my feet until I shivered. Lately it seemed that when I thought about the beach, Seth always appeared with it, becoming a part of my love for it. A part of me hated that. After all, I had loved the beach for a long time before I loved him.

  Still, the memories of the times we spent together haunted me, and I wondered if they would ever go away. They blurred together mostly, except for a few distinct moments. I thought back to lying on the sand with my head on Seth’s chest, falling asleep to the sound of his voice and the vibration through his chest. I remembered asking him what he was humming, and he told me it was the lullaby his mom used to sing to him.

  “Will you sing it to me?”

  He had stayed silent, and I’d wondered if he was self-conscious or didn’t want to let me in to something that was so personal to him. In the end, he sang to me and I fell asleep to the words and the way his voice worked through the notes. I could hear it in my head even now.

  I stared out at the water, getting lost in the darkness of it, wondering where it ended and the sky began. Dan stayed quiet next to me and I felt his shoulder brush mine as he repositioned his arms on the railing. I stood up straighter and turned my head.

  The rest of the group had passed us now, and I could see Cassie looking back at us.

  “You ready?” Dan asked me.

  I nodded, glancing at the water one last time. “Yeah, let’s go.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  Seth

  It was the morning after graduation and I was packing. There was no one to see me off or cheer me on as the class stood up and threw our caps in the air. I almost didn’t go to the ceremony because I didn’t see much point, but I convinced myself that I needed to go to get the sense that it was over.

  I was pretty much done here. There was nothing left for me in Baltimore, and I was off to start my career in Ashville. Phil had flown back earlier, and I knew he was glad to finally be back home. I wished I could share his joy. North Carolina held so much for me, all of my past and, apparently, my future. I packed up my last box, feeling a little nostalgic. I realized I might actually miss this place after all.

  With everything packed and my flight leaving in four hours, I walked over to Mac’s Coney Island and Sandy attacked me with a hug before I fully got through the door.

  “Seth! Congratulations!” she squealed. “I can’t believe it’s been four years since you walked in ordering a burger with no tomato and a large order of onion rings.” She hugged me again. “Oh, how time flies!”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “Oh, don’t look at me like that.” She swatted me. “I might start crying.”

  “Please don’t,” I said, giving her a pat.

  She smiled. “The usual?”

  I grinned. “The usual,” I repeated, sliding into my booth for the last time.

  When I walked out after giving Sandy another hug and promising to send her my album when it was done, I noticed a familiar car parked in the lot. I stared at it for a few more seconds before a man got out.

  I froze.

  John made his way toward me. He looked younger and wore a simple t-shirt and jeans. It was the most dressed down I had seen him in a long time. He had his hands in his pockets and looked like he hadn’t slept for days.

  “Seth,” he started. “Can we talk?”

  I nodded once. I couldn’t believe he was actually here.

  We walked closer to his car, and I leaned against the hood. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came for your graduation.”

  I scoffed. “And why would you do that?”

  “Seth, I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and do things differently.” His brow wrinkled, and I could tell he was sincere. I stared at this man, the man who was my father. Anger boiled inside of me, and I wondered if it would ever go away.

  “Well, you can’t,” I retorted.

  He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it, taking a deep breath instead. I stared at him, trying to control the emotions running through me. I wanted to scream at him, tell him to disappear and never come near me again. I wanted him to reach out to me and tell me he loved me and that he was proud of me. Neither of us said anything, and we stood there in silence for what seemed like ten minutes.

  I ran my fingers through my hair and thought about the fight with Amy and all the secrets I had kept from her. Looking now at my dad, I realized I actually could relate to him. I had kept those things from her because I didn’t want to face them myself. I didn’t want to deal with her reaction. And, as I stood there watching John try to find the right words to say, I saw myself in him.

  When John finally spoke, his voice was almost too quiet for me to hear. "I could have saved her. You could have saved her. I blamed us both, and in turn hated myself and you. You were a daily reminder of my failure. The only way I could get past it was to get past you."

  I could feel my anger dissipating as the words sank in.

  “She'd be proud of you, you know. You are so much like her.” He gave me a sad smile.

  “Dad…” I started, my voice getting caught in my throat.

  He shook his head. “It’s okay, Seth. You don’t have to say anything. I just hope someday I’ll forgive myself, and that you’ll forgive me too.”

  He wiped his hand over his face and started toward the car door. I pushed myself off the hood and he opened the door. I felt my pulse picking up, the panic of not knowing when I would see him again if he drove off.

  “I forgive you.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, realizing those three words had come from my mouth. “Don’t go.”

  A second later, I felt his arms around me and he pulled me into a hug. I tried to think of the last time my dad had hugged me. The feeling was so unfamiliar. I opened my eyes, knowing there were tears running down my cheeks. I couldn’t contain the pain any longer. I could feel his heavy breathing, and when we broke apart he touched my face.

  I stepped back a few feet, not knowing what would come next. I was leaving for Asheville in a few hours, and I needed to get to the airport.

  “Have you spoken to Amy’s mom lately?”

  John shook his head. “No. I told her I needed time away, and told her not to wait for me.”

  I pursed my lips, thinking of how Amy must have felt about this.

  “You need to go home,” I said. “It’s the right thing to do.”

  “I’m not sure I can. I don’t know how to be what she wants me to be.”

  “She may surprise you,” I said, thinking that if she was anything like Amy, anything was possible. “You have to try.”

  He nodded, sadness on his face. I knew he wasn’t convinced. He squeezed my shoulder and walked back to the car door.

  “Take care, Seth, and good luck in Asheville. I’ll see you soon.”

  I nodded, unsure of how I was feeling. I didn’t know if our relationship would ever be the normal father/son kind, but it was definitely a start to a better one. As he drove away, I felt the heavy weight I had been carrying around slowly getting lighter.

  I reached Asheville by late afternoon and immediately fell back in love with the weather. It was so nice not to have to wear my jacket after being frozen for the past few months. I called Phil after getting my luggage and renting a car.

  “Hey. I landed.”

  “Great!” Phil said. “Where are you staying?”

  “Not sure yet. Probably a hotel for now,” I said, distracted, trying to figure out where I was.

  “Okay, well, we need you at the studio tomorrow morning at ten. We have to go over some stuff and figure out who you’ll be touring with and where and all that. After that, we need to discuss a permanent residence.”

  “Yeah, sure,” I said, turning around. “I was wondering if you had any ideas about apartments that I could maybe afford.�
��

  I could hear Phil shuffling through papers. “Yeah, I have a list of apartments that are close to the studio. I’ll give you the sheet tomorrow.”

  “Great, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, hanging up and throwing my phone on the passenger seat. “All right. Let’s get out of here.”

  I drove out of Asheville toward Shelby. It took a couple of hours to reach the cemetery where my mom was buried. I found her grave and let out a huge sigh. I placed a bouquet of daisies against the headstone and touched the cold marble. It had been too long since I’d last visited, and I felt that same ache in my chest that always crept up when I was here: the realization that she really was gone.

  I sat there for an hour, talking to her, telling her about the label. I told her about Nora James’s song, about Amy, and about John. Even though I knew I wouldn’t get a response to questions or any encouraging words, I could feel it. I knew somewhere she was listening and I found it comforting to tell her—to tell someone—everything.

  Shelby was about half an hour south of the cemetery, and I talked myself into driving down there. I didn’t have anything else to do, and I thought I could really use one of their smoothies. The town was exactly the same. I drove slowly along the main street, past Conner’s Club, knowing I should probably stop in and see Will. But I didn’t slow down. As much as I knew he’d be glad to see me, I didn’t feel like talking. Instead, I grabbed a smoothie and went out to the beach. It was getting dark and I knew I needed to head back to Asheville, but I stayed where I was, breathing in the air I had missed.

  I sighed, lying on the sand and getting lost in the sound of the waves. I put my hands behind my head and thought about Amy—something I hadn’t stopped doing since I had last been here. It still hurt that she hadn’t said good-bye, and that she ignored my attempts to contact her. After no response for a month, I stopped, taking the hint. I wondered if she blamed me for John’s leaving, and I wondered if there was anything I could ever say to her to make it right.

  I got up and took a last look out at the ocean. It hadn’t changed at all, but the lack of one individual made all the difference. It was still, quiet, and as I stood there, the emptiness suffocated me.