Irresistible

by Bankes, Liz

  I hear popping from the kitchen and realize what he’s doing. I change quickly into a T-shirt and shorts and get into the bed. I set the alarm on my phone for five. That should give me enough time to sneak back home before anyone wakes up. Then Jamie arrives at the door with a bowl of freshly made popcorn.

  He puts the bowl on the bed and takes off his T-shirt. I feel a thrill rising in my chest and look away from him. I know it’s the same as seeing him in his swimming trunks, but being in his bed feels more risky. And exciting.

  It feels less so when he tells me to move over and not to hog the popcorn.

  We watch Casablanca. At first we’re sitting separately, me with my knees drawn up to my chest and him lounging back on a pillow. At some point he puts his arm behind me and I slide backward. I end up with my head on his chest. I watch his stomach muscles move with the rise and fall of his chest. By the end of the film, his arm is around me. Just before I drift off to sleep, I think, This is what it could be like. Not sneaking around. Just being together.

  Chapter 23

  “I don’t get it at all,” says Mom. “If you’re going to go off with someone else, then just break up with him.”

  “In her mind, she might think she’s doing the right thing,” says Jeff. “If she keeps it secret, no one gets hurt.”

  “Because it won’t all come out in the end …” Mom shakes her head. “She’s being a selfish idiot.”

  “We are inherently selfish beings,” Matthew pipes up from behind his book.

  I aim a kick at him under the table.

  “Mia!” says Mom, seeing the kick. “It’s enough that you’re sitting there being a thoughtless cow, but what the hell.”

  I don’t look at her and poke the peas on my plate with my fork.

  “Don’t you have an opinion?”

  “No,” I mutter. “I don’t care about your crappy friends and their sad lives.”

  Mom glares at me. “Is there a reason for this mood?”

  “I’m tired.”

  She nags at me for a while before I can escape to my room. I take my phone out of my sleeve and start plotting how I can get to the pool house tonight. I could say I was going to Gabi’s … My thumb hovers uneasily over her name on my phone. I haven’t told her about the swimming yet. Obviously I will. We tell each other everything. She’s just been getting so excited planning double dates for her and Max with me and Dan. She loves Dan.

  My eyes switch focus to the twisted leather bracelet on my wrist. Dan got it for me on his biking trip. Like the bell on a clock, the thought strikes me again. Dan.

  I close my eyes and wait for it to fade away. Since he got back from his trip, he’s had his cousin staying with him and so he’s been a little preoccupied. He keeps saying at work that we haven’t had a chance to really see each other since he’s been back. I think guiltily that it’s pretty lucky that he hasn’t noticed what I’ve been up to.

  She should just break up with him.

  What’s wrong with me? I really, really like Dan.

  Imaginary Mom pops up in my head. If you really like him, then don’t lead him on.

  But if I break up with Dan, then I’m just left with this weird … thing with Jamie. Who has a girlfriend anyway.

  Having a boyfriend isn’t everything, Mi. You need to know you’d be okay on your own.

  Imaginary Mom is really annoying.

  Oh, easy for you to say, Mom. You went out with Dad when you were my age and he went and cheated on you when you were pregnant. Then you lived with Granny till Jeff “rescued” you. Not really being on your own, is it?

  My imaginary argument has got me all wound up, and I’m walking around my room in circles. I try to banish imaginary Mom from my head just as there’s a real knock at my door.

  “It’s Jeff. Can I come in?”

  “Um… yeah.”

  He enters the room as if he’s pretending to walk on eggshells, making a big deal of closing the door gently. Sometimes everything about him irritates me. He’s got his eyebrows raised and a serious expression on—probably the one he uses when he tells the kids at his school they’re going to fail the history final.

  “Look, Mia. It’s not okay, this snapping at your mom.”

  “I’ll say sorry.”

  “It’s getting to be a pattern with you. Staying at that place night after night. When we do see you, you can’t get away fast enough. There’s clearly some drinking going on as well.”

  “You don’t know—” I stop myself. “My shifts finish late. Jesus, I thought you’d be glad I’m working hard.”

  “I am. But you’re obviously not sleeping.”

  I study his face and suddenly feel as though what I am doing is written all over my face. He’s waiting. Expecting me to confess it all and say he’s right and that I’ll stop working so much and thank him for caring about me.

  “Gabi’s been calling the house phone for you,” he continues softly. “She said to tell you to ‘look at your damn phone.’” He smiles. “From what I can see, you’re glued to the thing. What’s going on?”

  At that moment my phones buzzes in my hand. Jamie. I tilt the screen away so Jeff won’t see.

  “Can you let it go just once?” he says.

  I look up at him, but at the same time open the message. My eyes flick down to read it.

  Early swim, Joseph? Hurry up. Being naked on my own is no fun.

  My face flushes red. I know he’s kidding. He wouldn’t be wandering around naked at this time. Guests might see. But is he suggesting …

  Jeff reaches out to take my phone and I swerve out of his way. All my anger and annoyance starts to spill over, and I just want to grab him and shake him.

  “Oh my God! Can you just get your nose out of my life?”

  It’s not quite how I meant it to come out, and he looks suitably taken aback, but I can’t stop myself.

  “Just because you’ve got no friends, it doesn’t mean you can take a creepy interest in my social life. It’s WEIRD!”

  “It’s called bringing you up, Mia,” he says steadily. “I’ve been doing it since you were five, and I’m going to keep caring about you whether you like it or not.”

  “Well, you keep doing that. Just as long as you know you’ll always be a terrible replacement for my dad.”

  He bites the inside of his cheeks. Jeff makes a point of never saying anything bad about Dad. Sometimes I think he does it just so we know how easily he could insult Dad if he wanted to. Dad cheated. Walked out on us. Never visits. Jeff’s got a lot of ammunition. The hot anger has been replaced by a cold feeling. I want to hurt him.

  “What do you want to say? You’re obviously thinking tons of nasty things about Dad, so just say them. What is it? He left us? Well, every day I wish he hadn’t, because if my mom hadn’t been single and desperate, there’s no way she would have ended up with a sad frigging loser like you.”

  Jeff’s staring at me, stunned. He breathes in and I think I’m about to get totally reamed out, but then he just sighs and looks up at the wall. His face is pink and his eyes are blinking rapidly, magnified by his glasses. He turns and walks out of my room.

  I’m shaking. I’ve been pretty horrible to Jeff before, but I’ve never said anything like that. I sit down and fiddle with my hair and try to shut out the whole thing—along with thoughts of Gabi and my friends and Dan. I’m still friends with them, aren’t I? It’s not like I’ve done anything to them. They just don’t know what I do at night.

  Oh my God, I sound like a vampire.

  I pick up my phone.

  Can you pick me up? Probably put some clothes on or you’ll get arrested.

  When I tell Mom I’m staying at Gabi’s, she looks really pleased. Jeff hasn’t told her about our fight yet, so I need to leave quickly. As I’m heading up the driveway, I can only hope that she waits for me to come back to yell at me and doesn’t call Gabi’s house when I don’t answer my cell phone.

  I get to the end of my road and see the silver car.


  A sort of release breaks over me. I don’t know what it is that’s driving me to keep going back. I feel like I’m chasing something, some mysterious sensation that I can’t even put into words—but I know it’s the exact opposite of daily life. Of routine. Of knowing that every day of summer that goes by is another step closer to school and everything that’s familiar.

  Chapter 24

  I sit down. I’m laughing so much I can’t breathe. Dan, Gabi, Max, and I are in front of the monkey enclosure. We were doing voice-overs of the monkeys, and Max’s one kept getting screwed by the other ones. His outraged face is hilarious. Gabi is practically on the ground. She also has the loudest laugh known to man.

  “I’m going to WET MYSELF!” shrieks Gabi.

  “I’m actually crying!” Dan says.

  “It’s not that funny!” Max protests, but he can’t help laughing.

  “Owww.” I lean back and wait for the pain in my ribs to subside.

  “What can you do in this situation?” says Dan. “Doughnuts. Doughnuts?”

  There’s a resounding yes from the three of us, and Dan heads off toward the concession stands.

  Gabi grabs my arm, recovering fast. “Omigod. Mia. When you went to the bathroom earlier, Dan totally said he was falling for you!”

  I look over at Max, who nods in agreement. “Yup. Loves you, girl.”

  Gabi looks at me expectantly.

  I look over at the back of Dan’s head as he waits in the line. And I remember my hands running over it when we kissed. I feel the warm buzz that I get every time I arrive at work and Dan’s already in the kitchen.

  “His hair looks good, doesn’t it?” I say. “Everyone at work’s making fun of him for it and calling him Tintin, but I really like it.”

  “Yeah, um, okay. Mi, I asked if you’re falling for him, not if you like his hair.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “So?”

  “Of course I like him. It’s just complicated.”

  “Why?”

  I don’t answer.

  Gabi gives me a look. “Come on.”

  I eye her warily, as I’ve got an idea what’s coming. She makes a lunge for my head.

  “Come to my bosom.”

  Ever since Year Nine when Gabi was delighted to discover she was growing absolutely enormous boobs, she’s always taken the opportunity to rub them in our faces. Literally.

  I struggle for a moment, but then let it happen. She clutches my head to her chest, and my face is buried in boob. It’s what she does when she wants me to tell the truth. I breathe in, risking intoxication by Ralph Lauren. The situation is so familiar, it makes me feel like everything is normal. Although that might not be the impression that other zoo-goers walking past our bench might get. This is Gabs. I’ve known her forever. She’s the last person I should be keeping secrets from.

  “Oay mri aigh ann.”

  She releases her grip slightly so that I can actually speak.

  “Okay, I like Dan.”

  “Super,” says Dan, appearing behind us. “Doughnut?”

  Gabi lets me go immediately and I sit up. When Dan’s handing out the doughnuts, our eyes meet, and he smiles his lopsided smile. My heart leaps.

  Gabi’s reading a message on her phone “We’re going to meet the others after this,” she says. “There’s some band with someone’s brother in it or something playing. You guys should come.”

  “What kind of music is it?” Dan says.

  “Guitars,” says Gabi vaguely while texting. It’s safe to say that with gigs, she’s more interested in the social side than the music.

  “Oh, but Mia’s got a family dinner, haven’t you?” Dan says.

  That gets her attention. She usually gets invited to my family dinners. Not to this one though, obviously, since I made it up.

  I’m still feeling the aftermath of the heart-leap moment. “I’ll make some excuse,” I say.

  “Nice!” yells Gabi, and Dan grins at me again. Even Max nods and says, “Sweet.”

  They are so uncomplicatedly happy to have me around. I feel really bad about how little effort I’ve put into seeing them this summer.

  Gabi gets into organizing mode. “So, we’ll go back to my house and get ready. Then get some food in town, and we’ll be there by eight. Mia, didn’t you want to dye your hair? I’ll do it for you at my place. We can go to the drugstore on the way home.”

  “Okay, but no bird poo streaks.”

  “We do not speak of that,” she says, and we both crack up. Max and Dan look confused.

  “Before either of your times,” I explain.

  As we leave, I link arms with Gabi. “Can you dye it red?”

  Chapter 25

  I’m on the late shift, and it’s another quiet one. Suzy, Ben-the-other-kitchen-boy, and I sit and chat for most of the night and try to throw peanuts into each other’s mouths.

  Jamie comes to the bar with his hair even messier than usual and wearing jogging shorts and a T-shirt. He’s obviously only just gotten up.

  “You look dead,” Suzy says. “What were you doing last night?”

  Jamie gives a big fake smile. “Now, that would be telling.”

  “What do you want?” I say quickly.

  “Wine, please,” says Jamie.

  “Make that two.”

  Everyone looks up at the door. Cleo’s back.

  She’s wearing a tight checked shirt and shorts and has her hair piled on top of her head. She must have come straight from the airport, but she still manages to look effortlessly stunning.

  “In fact,” she says, waving away the bottle that Suzy’s about to open, “save it. We’ll all have a drink at the end of your shift. Gives me a chance to make myself up. And you, Jay.”

  Suzy and Ben-the-other-kitchen-boy say they’ll stay for one.

  “Joseph?” says Jamie.

  “Yeah, count me in,” I say.

  Cleo looks up. “Oh my God! I didn’t recognize you. You’ve dyed your hair red.”

  “Yeah!” I say, probably too excitedly.

  “It looks great,” she says. She’s fiddling with her necklace. The pearl drop necklace. “Well, then. A shower, a shit, and a shave.” She starts for the door, but Jamie calls after her.

  “Joseph and I will go for a swim first.”

  Surprise flickers across her face, but other than that she doesn’t react. “Don’t be long.”

  “It would be easy,” he says and disappears under the water. I wait for him to surface again.

  I’m standing with my back against the side of the pool with my arms wrapped around myself. Usually I’d be swimming or splashing Jamie, starting up conversations to see where they would go, but tonight is different. I’m thinking about Cleo. Did he know she was coming over? Does he care? I think guiltily that in the last two weeks, it’s been pretty easy to forget about her. I peer over at the shape of the castle in the distance. She could be watching from a window. How much could she see from there?

  “What do you mean?” I say when he comes up at the other end of the pool. He fixes me with a glance and then goes under again, swimming toward me this time. He rises out of the water about a yard away and looks at me steadily.

  “I wouldn’t even have to touch you,” he says slowly.

  The edges of his words make me shiver, although I try to pretend it’s the cold. All the questions I wanted to ask him dissolve. I want to know what happens next.

  He moves closer and I feel the water lap against me, and just that slight change sends tingles all down me.

  “Put your arms down.”

  I move my arms down by my sides. He puts his hands on the pool edge on either side of me, so he’s right up close in front of me. His eyes glide down over my body, and just the way he looks at me makes me breathe quicker. He moves his head toward my shoulder, and then I feel his teeth as he moves my bikini strap to the side.

  “Okay,” he says, “maybe touch you a little.” He pauses. “And a bit more.” He bites
my bare shoulder gently. And then moves upward and bites my earlobe. I can feel him so close to me in the water, but not quite touching. I want to feel the full weight of him against me.

  With his lips right by my ear, he says, “And more?”

  I feel like my legs are going to give way, and I can’t stop the words coming out, finally admitting out loud that I want it to happen.

  “Okay.”

  “Jamie!” It’s Cleo’s voice, coming from the grounds. He moves back and sinks down into the water. “We’re coming, darling!” he replies, looking at me with his amused grin. He raises his eyebrows at me. “Okay?” he repeats.

  I just look at him. My heart is beating a million times a minute, but not from panic—from a strange pulsing excitement that we could have been caught.

  “We’d better go,” I say.

  Chapter 26

  I try to fix my hair in Jamie’s bathroom mirror before we go for the drink. Some of it is wet from the pool and has gotten wavy. All I can do is mess it up, but in the end I kind of like it. Since I dyed it, I feel like I stand out. I’ve got a dress with me too. I got it on my way to work for the party me and Gabs and everyone are going to. It’s black and sleeveless with a ribbon at the waist, and the skirt is ruffled with lace underneath.

  I look at myself from different angles. I don’t feel like me. I’m terrified and excited all at the same time about seeing Cleo again. I want her to see me like this. I want her to ask me what Jamie did while she was away. And I want to see how well I lie.

  I leave the bathroom and Jamie’s there, in a black T-shirt and jeans. He’s still barefoot from the swim.

  “Not making an effort, then?” I say, and he looks up.

  He half smiles. “You clean up well, Joseph.”

  “Thanks.” I shrug and head for the door, turning away so he can’t see me smile.

  We walk up to the castle in silence, but the air between us is charged like never before. When our hands accidentally brush together, a heat flares through me, and my mind leaps back to the moment in the pool. Jamie holds the door open for me when we get there, and we really look at each other for the first time since we got out of the water. The heat burns in my chest again, and we both breathe in. I break his gaze and walk back into the restaurant. He lingers for a moment longer, and I feel a sort of thrill as I walk away.