by Meg Brenner
“Hang out with me,” he finally said. I stopped dead in my tracks, slowly turning around to look at him.
Shaking my head, I responded with my arms crossed. “I can’t. It’s my birthday this weekend and Brad and I are going to Mackinaw Island.”
“Tonight,” he finally said. He looked up at me, obviously feeling a bit nervous to be asking me. I shook my head again. “I just want to hang out. We need to get to know each other.”
“Then make me a CD,” I responded before I started walking down the hallway again. I could hear his feet shuffling behind me. I knew that he was desperate to talk to me, especially because he was willing to follow me down the hallway, where everyone could see. Now I was the one playing rude. It’s funny how tables can turn so quickly.
“I don’t want to make you a CD,” he said harshly. “I want to get to know you.”
“We’ve already established that. And I don’t want to get to know you. I have a boyfriend, Keiffer. And in case you haven’t noticed, he’s not too fond of you. Listen, graduation is just around the corner. In two months you’ll never see me again. Don’t waste your time.”
He stopped walking by my side. I quickly looked over my shoulder, watching him stand in the middle of the hallway, a serious expression over his face. “What if I wanted to get to know you? What if, God forbid, someone actually wanted to get to know you. To know you more than just Jenna Horowitz - Class President. What if someone wanted to know Jenna Horowitz – Ice Cream Scooper.” I started walking back towards him in hopes that he wouldn’t cause such a scene.
“Keiffer…” I took a deep breath. “You don’t know the first thing about me.”
“Then tell me…tell me just one thing.”
“One thing? One thing is that I love Brad.” I smiled at him weakly. “I think you want something else to come from this. Something that just won’t happen.”
“I don’t want anything,” he admitted. “Please, please hang out with me. Sunday afternoon, after you get back from Mackinaw.”
I shook my head. “No.” Taking a moment to reflex on my thoughts, I finally decided to let him on a quick secret. “You want to know something about me? Here it is. This weekend, I’ll be losing my virginity to my boyfriend of four years. There you go, Keiffer. Put that in your paper.” Walking away from him made me a bit sick to my stomach. I kind of wanted him to run and kiss me – the way that you see it in movies. I wanted him to twirl me in the air in front of the whole school and kiss me hard, like he truly loved me. But as I thought about that, I hated myself even more for wanting that.
That night I could hardly get to sleep. Tomorrow Brad and I would be going to Mackinaw Island for my eighteenth birthday. I didn’t quite understand how I could be so nervous. I loved Brad…I really did. He knew more about me than anyone else. I loved kissing Brad, so why wouldn’t I love making love to him too? I did love him, didn’t I? Not only that though, Brad and I had been together for four years, wasn’t it to finally go to the next level of our relationship?
I heard a small tap come from my window. I waited a couple seconds and the sound came again. Thinking it was just the tree branch hitting my window, I stood up to go investigate. I had told my dad time and time again that that stupid tree needed to be cut down. I was scared that it would go right through my window if we had a big storm.
Much to my surprise, it wasn’t the tree at all. Once I got to the window another pebble hit against it. I opened it up, half expecting Brad to be outside my window. I knew that he was probably just as excited as I was. But it was Keiffer. He stood on the ground below my window, staring up at me with his real genuine smile, not the creepy fake one.
“What do you want, Keiffer?” I called down to him. I had to keep my voice low so that my parents wouldn’t hear me. I already knew how it probably looked to have someone, besides my boyfriend, under my window at twelve o’clock at night. “Don’t you know that it’s midnight?”
“Of course I do,” he called back. “Why else do you think I’m here?” He stuck up his index finger towards me, telling me to wait just a second. He turned his back towards me so I couldn’t see what he was doing. A few seconds later, when he turned back around, all I saw was a bright light in his hand. It looked like his hands were glowing.
“What the heck?” I said louder this time.
“Happy birthday, Jenna,” he said proudly.
I slammed my window shut, threw on my robe and padded down the stairs in hopes that my parents wouldn’t hear me. What the heck did he think he was doing? Who stands under someone’s window with a ball of flames? Getting outside was the worst part. I had to turn off the security alarm, which made a loud beeping noise so the whole house would hear it. Once I was confident to finally open the door, I stepped out on the porch. He was already standing there, waiting for me.
“Keiffer,” I breathed out. “What are you doing?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Happy birthday,” he repeated.
“It’s not my…” I stopped talking. He had come over at twelve, exactly on my birthday. The ball of flames turned out to be a birthday cake which he had made himself. Eighteen candles lined the top of the cake, which is why it made it look so bright.
“Aren’t you going to make a wish?” He asked happily.
“You and you’re damn wishes,” I laughed. I closed my eyes slowly before finally blowing out the candles. When I opened my eyes, it took them a few seconds to adjust to the dark again. My eyes met Keiffer’s as we stood just a few inches apart. The cake was the only thing separating us.
He started to lean in. My heart was beating out of control. I didn’t want him to kiss me…did I? If I didn’t want him to then why wasn’t I moving? I kept telling myself that this was wrong. That in just nine hours I would be in the car with Brad. We would be going to the island in hopes to make love. Yet, why was I excited to kiss Keiffer? Brad was easy for me. He was calm, sensitive, and my comfort zone. But Keiffer was so off the wall. He was someone that I could never imagine myself even being friends with. Yet, I lusted for just one kiss.
But he didn’t even kiss me at all. At least, not on my lips. Instead he kissed my forehead quickly. I didn’t even feel the soft press of his lips against my skin. I felt a little disappointed when he finally pulled away. Was I not even worthy enough for him to kiss my lips? I was the popular Jenna Horowitz…every guy wanted to kiss me. Especially, if they got the chance.
“So how does it feel to be eighteen?” He laughed.
Anger filled me as I stood there. Well, it was more like disappointment. I didn’t understand how he could be satisfied with only kissing my forehead. Right then I wanted to have a full on makeout session with him. Pushing my feelings aside, I finally answered his question. “It feels exactly how I did a few minutes ago.” I knew my answer was snotty, but he made me feel that way.
Watching his face fill with sadness over my rude answer, I quickly changed my attitude. “So you made this cake yourself?”
He shook his head. “My mom helped me with the frosting part. I wrote your name though,” he said proudly. I laughed at the writing at the top of the cake. It looked like a preschooler wrote it. But no matter what, it was still flattering that he took the time to make this for me.
“Well, I love it. Come’on let’s eat it.” I led him into the kitchen, where I pulled out two forks. The nice thing about cake – you could just eat it straight without cutting it. Taking the first bite, I nearly melted to the floor. The sweetness of it filled my mouth so perfectly that I knew I could have eaten this whole thing by myself.
“You like it?” Keiffer asked after seeing my face. I nodded my head quickly, not verbally answering him. I took another bite before he even had one.
“I never eat sweets,” I admitted. “Being a cheerleader, I just don’t eat anything with carbs. But Keiffer, this is amazing!”
He laughed. “I couldn’t imagine being concerned about weight. Girls have it way more difficult than guys.”
I
shrugged my shoulders. “Guess it’s a matter of opinion.”
We didn’t talk again for a good ten minutes. We just kept eating the cake – me especially. I had never tasted something to delicious. I knew that I couldn’t stop, even if my stomach was bulging. I finally threw my fork down, letting out a loud sigh while holding my stomach. I was feeling so sick…it was like I was about to slip into a food coma.
“Are you okay?” He asked, placing his thumb on my cheek. He could tell that I was beginning to feel nauseous.
“That was so good,” I laughed. “I don’t think I can move from this spot.” I set my head down on the counter.
“Come’on, I’ll get you back into bed.” He picked me up from the chair, carrying me in his arms. I placed my head on his shoulders and breathed in the dark scent of his cologne. He didn’t even seem to mind that he had to carry my 110 pound frame up the staircase. With ease he placed me back into my bed, slipping the covers up so that only my head was exposed.
“I hope you have a fun time tomorrow in Mackinaw,” he admitted. He touched my forehead where he had kissed me only an hour before. Turning off my light, he started to exit my room.
“Stay with me,” I called out to him. He stopped closing my door, standing there for a few seconds. Finally, I heard him let out a deep breath.
“I can’t,” he admitted. “You’ve got a boyfriend.”
“So? Brad’s my boyfriend, and you’re my friend. There’s a huge difference.” I scooted over so he could lay in the bed with me. I knew what I was doing. I just wanted to feel close to Keiffer. He was mysterious, which was definitely something that turned me on.
With careful consideration, he slipped off his shoes and shirt and slid into bed with me. We both stared at each other through the faint darkness. I placed my hand on his shoulder and ran it down his arm until our fingers met. He pulled his hand away, obviously nervous about my affection.
“So tell me more about yourself, Keiffer Lee Lawrence,” I said playfully. He smiled again, showing off his dimple. That’s I knew he was at his happiest. It wasn’t very common that I got to see him this happy.
“Lee,” he repeated. “You remembered.”
“Of course I remembered. Why don’t you like your middle name?” I asked.
“I didn’t say that I didn’t like it,” he responded quickly. He finally turned over to his back so he was looking up at the ceiling. “Lee was my dad’s name. It’s just another part of him that we have to share …you know?”
“You really miss him, don’t you?” I asked. He just shrugged his shoulders. “Tell me something else.”
“Why are you so interested?” He finally asked, his eyes meeting mine. “Don’t you think that I should ask you questions now?”
I shook my head. “There’s nothing to tell. I’m eighteen, have lived here since birth. I am head cheerleader, valedictorian, I’m going to Yale in the fall…maybe, my best friend’s Lacey, and I have a boyfriend.” I shrugged my shoulders dramatically. “I guess that’s all.”
He just laughed. “What?” I said quickly. “Nothing that I said was funny.”
“Maybe it’s not what you said, but the way that you said it. Jenna, I don’t think you see yourself like everyone else sees you. Those are just some random things about you that you only allow people to see. What goes on up there?” He tapped his finger against my head. “What do you think about when you’re alone…when you’re about to fall asleep?”
I paused, letting his words sink in. “I don’t think about anything,” I whispered. “Well, I guess I think about school…college, I mean. What if I don’t get accepted? What if I become a loser and have to stay here?”
“Loser? That would never happen.”
“It might. I only applied to Yale. I told myself that if I didn’t get in, then I’d have to work at some retail store around here. Maybe stay at Scoops for the rest of my life.” I tucked my hair behind my ears. “I’m scared that I’ll have no future. What about you? What’s your future?”
“I don’t know yet. I don’t think I’ll ever make it out of this town,” he admitted.
“You want to stay in Michigan forever?” I asked breathlessly. No one ever wanted to stay around here, we always wanted to move away.
“I guess so. I don’t know though,” he pushed his hair back. “Ya know, when I was younger I thought graduation could be my chance to be whoever I wanted to be. I could be a doctor, a lawyer, or a teacher. But really, I just wanted to be alive. I guess since my dad died I haven’t taken a single day of life for granted.” He looked over at me, his eyes glazed over. “I promised myself that day that I found my dad dead…I promised myself that until I died, I would live each day to the fullest.”
“And have you?” I asked, feeling my own eyes start to tear up.
“No,” he finally answered. “I mean, I’ve tried…but no. Jenna, we all have our demons. Mine are just different than yours.”
“What are your demons?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.
“Death,” he responded slowly. “I fight them all the time. They want to take me, like they took my dad, but I’m trying to grasp onto something that will make those thoughts go away. But right when I think I’ve defeated them, they come back,” his voice cracked. “They always come back.”
“Keiffer…I don’t want you to die,” I admitted.
“Me either.” He took in a deep breath. “So that’s why I surf, to calm those feelings that taunt me every day.” His cheesy smile had some back to his face.
“Why do you do that?” I asked suddenly. I sat up from the bed. “Why do you hide your smile?”
“I’m smiling right now, neighbor,” he laughed. His personality was like a roller coaster. One second we could be having a serious conversation, and then the next second he could get angry. Right now he had the same personality as he had when we were in Lit class the first day we met. He seemed too relaxed…especially for the topic we were discussing.
“You’re not smiling, Keiffer. I’ve seen you smile before...like truly smile. You have this dimple on your cheek,” I indented his skin where the dimple normally was. “And then you have this one. I don’t even know how to describe it.”
“It’s just my smile,” he said quickly. “Come’on let’s go to sleep. You’ve got a big weekend.” He turned back over onto his side, our eyes meeting. Closing his own, we laid in silence, only hearing each other breathe. Finally, he spoke up. “Are you really planning on losing your virginity tomorrow?”
I slowly nodded my head. “I think so.” He made a small noise, not answering. “Should I not give my whole self to my boyfriend?” Now he was giving me doubts about my decision.
“I didn’t say that. I just think that you should be completely sure before you do something like that,” he admitted.
“Well, have you had sex before?” I asked. He didn’t respond, but instead kept his eyes and mouth closed at they were just a few minutes ago. “Well, have you?”
“I’m never going to,” he responded. “Sex complicates things. I plan on being dead before I even have a chance to.”
I felt my jaw drop open slightly. “You need to defeat those demons before they defeat you.”
“I’m working on it, neighbor.”
Soon we were both asleep. That was the first night in my life where I had slept the whole night through. I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat because of my homework, or because I had a dream that I was late to a meeting. No, having Keiffer next to me helped calm all of my self-doubts. Even Brad wasn’t able to accomplish that.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” he said the next morning. I could see that the room was brighter, even through my closed eye lids. Birds were chirping outside my window, letting me know that morning had come once again.
“Good morning,” I said, reaching out to touch him. I couldn’t believe that he had slept over at my house all night.
Before opening my eyes, I felt him place his lips against mine. They were soft, incredibly soft.
I kept my eyes closed, letting him slip his tongue into my mouth. Pulling his arms around me, I felt him climb onto my body, covering me like a blanket. The way he moved his arms up and down my arms made my body go weak. His lips made their way down to my neck, nibbling ever so softly onto my skin. I didn’t quite know why I was letting him to this to me, but it felt right. Running my fingers through his hair, I felt nothing but smooth…straight…hair! I opened my eyes quickly, realizing that the man I was kissing was Brad, not Keiffer.
I jumped up, knocking him off my body. I covered myself up with my blanket, not willing to let him see me in only my tank top and shorts. He climbed off of me, watching me closely. “What’s wrong, Jenna? You’re extremely jumpy this morning.”
I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself down. “I just…I just wasn’t ready for what we were doing.”
“We weren’t doing anything,” he laughed. “We were just kissing.”
“Right,” I let out an airy chuckle. “Just kissing. I can handle that,” I said mostly to myself. “I need to get up. My bags are already downstairs by the front door.”
“I know, I helped your dad load the SUV this morning.” He reached out to touch my cheek, but I moved my face before he could. “Why did you do that?” He asked, obviously feeling hurt.
“I don’t know,” I responded truthfully. “Listen, I’m really tired. I need to get up.” I waited for him to finally get the hint. After he left my room, I looked around. Everything looked exactly how I had remembered before I went to sleep last night. I was half expecting Keiffer to be hiding in my closet or something.
After checking my room for any sign of him, I finally realized that he must have snuck out early this morning – before Brad came over. I quickly changed, throwing my hair into a ponytail. This wasn’t the way that I was used to wearing it. I always spent lots of time brushing my hair, making sure that it was as smooth as possible. I threw my makeup in my cosmetic bag, not even thinking about wearing any on the car ride there. I didn’t look like myself, but I felt like myself.
