by Meg Brenner
My jaw almost fell to my knees. I stood looking up at him, tears forming without command. How could he say something like that to me? That’s the way it was with him. We would take one step closer to being friends, and then we would take two steps back. I turned my back towards him and stomped my way back to my house.
“Jenna,” I heard him call from his window. “Jenna, I’m sorry. Jenna, please wait!” He slammed his window shut and ran over to my house. He made it just in time before I opened the front door. “Jenna, I didn’t mean it. I…I don’t know why I said it.” He looked defeated, like he truly did want to apologize.
“Why would you say something like that?” I snapped, wiping the tears from under my eyes. “I’m anything but a slut!”
“I know. Jenna, I know.” He placed his hand onto my shoulder.
“Then why?” I yelled. I didn’t care if my parents could hear me or not. What kind of a person calls another person a slut?
He shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I’m just jealous.”
“Over what?” I sobbed. “There’s nothing to be jealous over. Of this?” I held up my left hand, where the ring sparkled under the porch light. He stared at it mutinously.
“You’re engaged?” He asked, almost as though he was watching someone get murdered.
I shook my head. “No, Brad gave this to me last night on my birthday. It’s not an engagement ring, but only a promise ring. It’s to promise that we’ll be with each other no matter what. I guess it’s the pre-step to being engaged.” I slowly looked up from the ring, then into Keiffer’s eyes. I knew then that I wasn’t ready for that big step with Brad, at least not yet.
He held his arms out to me, allowing my body to fall against his. Tears streamed from my eyes as he held me tight in his arms. I didn’t want him to let go of me…not yet at least.
“Why are you crying?” Keiffer asked. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
I sniffed. “I’m not ready for this reality. Keiffer, he wants to get married!”
“That’s because he loves you,” he responded sweetly. “Don’t you love him back?
I slowly nodded my head. “I think so. I don’t know. He’s a good guy, but he’s the only guy I ever dated.” I pulled out of the hug, placing both of my hands on his shoulders. “I didn’t lose my virginity to him this weekend. Doesn’t that say something about how I feel?”
He nodded, obviously happy about my decision. “I think you made the right decision,” he shrugged. “When the right time comes, you’ll just know it.” He placed his hand on my cheek lightly. “I think that if you’re ever going to do it, you need to be completely sure that you love him…and I think so doesn’t cut it.” He pulled me into another hug, this time running his fingers through my hair. “I’m proud of you.”
“You are?” I asked, looking up at him. He smiled back down at me, this time showing off his perfect dimpled cheeks.
“Of course,” he responded. “You stood up for yourself. How sexy it that?” Realizing that it was much too soon, he quickly let go of me, dropping his hands to his side. “Well, um, Jenna, it was nice to catch up but I’ve got to go.” He turned around and headed back to the house.
I longed for him to stay. He made me comfortable…something that I always adored about him. “Wait, Keiffer!” I called. He turned around, waiting for me to keep talking. “I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t think so,” He responded before walking into the dark shadows. I could hear his front door shut and I knew that I had officially been discarded. Maybe that was part of his plan. Maybe he was trying to get me to like him back. Well, he succeeded…kind of. I still hated his guts, yet, I wanted to be back in his arms again. I didn’t know how that worked, but I couldn’t help those feelings from showing up again.
By the time morning came, I was so exhausted that I had pressed snooze about a million times. I knew that I had to get up, but sleep sounded way more fun than school. Next thing I knew, Brad started shaking my shoulder. First I thought it was all apart of my dream, but then once I came to, I realized that it was only him. He looked frantic, calling my name over and over.
“What?” I snapped, rolling onto my side.
“Are you going to school today? You need to get up. It’s already seven-thirty,” he responded.
I shot straight up in my bed, knocking our heads together. I let out a moan, rubbing my forehead. Realizing that I was going to have a killer headache for the rest of the day, I threw off my covers and tossed Brad out of my room. I had less than twenty minutes to get dressed. That’s when the reality hit me. The ring. Keiffer. Love. The ring. Keiffer growing bored of me. The ring. I looked down at my finger, the blunt diamond sparkled under my light. I knew that today would be filled with congrats and hugs…and basically everything that I wasn’t in the mood for. Instead, my eyes shifted over to Keiffer’s house. It was quiet, something that I had expected.
Throwing on a pair of sweatpants, ones that I only wore for working out, and just putting a bra under my shirt that I had slept in, I scooted down the stairs. My mom stared at my hair, then at my lack of makeup, and then at my clothes. She pursed her lips tight, not quite sure what to say.
“Would you like me to call-in sick for you?” Mom suggested. I stared at her with disgust. What did it matter what I wore to school? It wasn’t like I had anyone to impress…anymore at least.
“No,” I responded quickly. “I look fine the way that I am.”
“Dear, you must do something with your hair,” she piped up again. I threw it in a frizzy bun. Placing my hand on my hip, I dramatically waited for her response. “Honestly –“
“Mom!” I shouted. “I look fine! Come’on, Brad, let’s go to school.”
“Well, I…” he hesitated. I growled at him, watching his facial expression in disgust.
“Well, you what?” I snapped.
“Well, I could always wait a bit if you wanted to just take a shower,” he finally finished.
“Why? Because you’re embarrassed by me? Well, this is just the way that I look, Brad. I’m not all cute and sexy all the time. Think you can handle this? Huh? Will I embarrass you at school?” I was practically shouting, unsure as to why I was so angry. This wasn’t like me at all.
“No, I was just saying…” He started again.
“Well, you can stop just saying.” I threw open the front door, grabbed my backpack and jumped into the front seat. Hesitantly, Brad got into the car and we headed towards school.
As we passed Keiffer’s house, I couldn’t help but notice that his car was still in the driveway. I hoped that I would see him walk out of the garage, but I had no such luck. I buried myself deeper into my seat, unable to concentrate on anything but what a lousy day it was going to be.
Before reaching the parking lot, Brad took my hand. I looked over at him, surprise written all over my face. “Jenna, are you okay?”
I nodded my head. “I’m great,” I answered sarcastically. But in reality, I wasn’t great. What was going on? Why was I feeling so dark? I was usually the really preppy, perfect one, but now I was feeling mad. It all stemmed back to last night. How could Keiffer refuse to hang out with me? No one refused to hang out with the popular Jenna Horowitz.
Walking hand-in-hand through the hallway proved to be difficult, like always. Now everyone was staring down at my ring. They whispered to each other as we passed, my cheeks growing red with embarrassment. I had never realized just how popular I had been. My one act, in my personal life, had caused drama for the students of the school. I was just one person, how could I have that effect on people?
“Oh, my gosh!” Lacey exclaimed wildly once we got to my locker. She threw me in a hug, jumping up and down slightly. “I can’t believe it! Let me see it!”
“See what?” I asked, taking my Chai Tea from her.
“The ring, silly!” She grabbed my hand, turning it back and forth to see the light shine off of it at it
s different cuts. “Oh, it’s beautiful.” She sighed, her hand over her heart. “Weren’t you so surprised?”
“Well…it’s not like I got engaged,” I responded. Lacey’s smile began to turn into a frown.
“She was extremely surprised,” Brad finally added, placing his arm around my shoulders. “She’s just being coy aren’t you, baby?”
“Oh, yes.” My sarcasm was prominent, but I tried not to be too rude about it.
By the time I reached first hour, I practically sprinted through the door. Keiffer would be able to make all this go away. Besides, I just needed to talk to him. Was it something that I said last night that made him not want to hang out? I thought we had gotten along great. Now that I was finally feeling something, he had to completely leave me hanging. Typical guy.
But of course, he wasn’t there. Nor was he there on Tuesday, or Wednesday. By each day of the week, I had officially started to get worn down. Every morning I would walk into the classroom hoping, praying, that he would finally come to school. He wasn’t coming, of course. The pride I had was too strong to go over next door and see if he was home. I just wanted to speak to him, but being desperate wasn’t a trait that I wanted to show. Besides, Brad loved me unconditionally. He would never be hot and cold with me. He loved me and there were no if’s, and’s, or but’s.
By Thursday morning, I was hardly recognizable. My hair had officially become one dread lock. It frizzed so badly that I unconsciously wondered if I would ever be able to get a brush through it. Makeup hadn’t touched my face in days, and my clothes had officially become something from a horror movie. But in all honesty, I didn’t want to get dressed into something attractive. I just wanted to feel comfortable.
“Hey, wake up there, sweetie,” dad said. He sat down at the table with his granola bar. My eyes still focused out the window at Keiffer’s car. It had been parked like that all week. It had been like that since the night I told him about the ring. That damn ring. I didn’t even want it! If I could just tell him that then life would be so much better. Then he would realize that he and I had a chance. Didn’t we?
“Earth to Jenna,” dad sang. He knocked on the table, forcing myself out of the daze. I looked over at him, my stomach jumping lightly from the loud noise. He laughed before taking another bite. “You’ve been staring out that window for a good thirty minutes. Are you okay?”
I nodded my head, not letting out a word. He placed his breakfast bar on the table before taking my hand. He leaned in close to me, acting as though this was going to be a serious conversation. “Honey, you’re not letting anyone in. Why are you acting this way?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but realized that I just didn’t want to. What was I going to tell him? Should I have started at the part where I liked Keiffer but was in a pre-engagement to a guy that I actually loved? Instead, I glanced back out the window…just in case he got in his car without me seeing.
“Please, talk to me,” dad pleaded. I did feel bad to see him like that, but I couldn’t help how I felt. I wasn’t interested in making him happy. I was feeling bad, and I really didn’t want to let him in.
“I’m fine, dad,” I finally responded. In a way, my dad actually looked relieved that I said something. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“Oh, like graduation?” Mom asked, stepping into the kitchen. She slipped on her stilettos while clasping the back of one of her earrings. She glanced at dad quickly before looking over at me. “Are you telling your father things that I’m not allowed to know?”
“No,” I snapped.
“Well, aren’t you excited that today’s Thursday?” He obviously was trying to make me look at the bright side of things. “Aren’t teens supposed to like Thursdays because it’s the day before Friday?” I stared at him blankly. “Well, I would’ve thought…” His voice trailed off.
“I need to get going.” Tossing my uneaten cereal down the garbage disposal, I threw my backpack around my shoulders and took off walking towards school.
I don’t know why I started walking. For the past two years (since he’d gotten his license) Brad had taken me to school. It was just a routine that we had started and never ended. But now, today, I was walking down the sidewalk. I took an extra-long time in front of Keiffer’s house. It looked dead, like it had looked for the past four days. I longed to see him, even just a glimpse. I wanted to know that he was okay. No, I really wanted to talk to him. He had become such a huge part of my life within the past two months that I felt like a drug user. I felt like I was in a rehab center for people who were addicted to cocaine. I just wanted him…even just a little bit.
“What are you doing?” Brad called from the street. He pulled the car over to the curb so we could talk. I didn’t look at him, only keeping my focus forward. “Damn it, Jenna! Will you speak to me?”
“There’s nothing to talk about!” I said back. “I just wanted to walk!”
“But why?” He asked, obviously feeling sad about my sudden decision.
“Because!” I wasn’t sure if I could come up with the correct answer. “Because I need some change in my life, Brad! Even just a little!” There, I said it.
“Changes?” He asked stunned. “Like between us?”
“Yes,” I thought about it. “No, I mean changes within my life. Let me walk. Please. I just need time to be by myself.”
“Are you kidding? You’ve been by yourself all week. What did I do to deserve this?” He slowly drove forward, just enough to keep up with me. I kept my eyes straight forward, feeling tears on the brims of my lashes. He didn’t realize that this was hard for me too.
“You didn’t do anything.” Now I finally walked up to his car. “I just need some space. Can you give me that? Just for a second, okay? The weather is perfect…let me walk.”
“But we always walk down the hallway together…”
“Well, maybe that’s something that we need to change too. Listen, I’ll see you tonight at work.” I started to walk back towards the hallway.
“Tonight?” He asked. I knew he was feeling sick to his stomach, but I just needed to do this.
“Okay, fine!” I rolled my eyes. “If you need to talk to me then how about you just meet me by my locker like what Lacey does, okay? That seems easy enough, right?” I asked. Without another word, Brad drove off, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I tried to concentrate on what was going on. Did I really want to break up with my boyfriend of four years? The truth was no. I didn’t want to break up with him. He had been nothing but perfect for me. But Keiffer…he was different. He was sensitive, attractive, smart, and pretty much a badass.
Once arriving to school, I had expected more rumors to be spread about me. People were whispering more than ever as I walked through the hallways this week. I knew I looked weird. I knew I wasn’t dressing the same, but this was just who I was. I wasn’t going to change myself to be someone who I wasn’t. However, today, no one even seemed to notice me. My peers didn’t part as I walked through, instead they bumped into me. I felt like a sardine in the hallway. But another thing that I realized, not a single person said hi to me. That was the first time I had ever felt so alone.
Just like I had expected, both Lacey and Brad were standing by my locker. They were talking casually, but as soon as I rounded the corner, they absolutely freaked out. Brad threw his arms around me, kissing my cheek over and over again. I knew that he had worried about me. Yes, the walk was a good ¾ of a mile, but the weather was perfect to walk in. I knew I could make it, he was just so sensitive.
Lacey handed me my latte, filling me in on all the drama that was going on at yearbook. I hadn’t been there for the past few days. In a way, that didn’t seem important anymore. I listened anyway, my eyes scanning the crowds of people walking by. I knew he wasn’t going to be there, but a girl could dream, right?
Hand-in-hand, Brad walked me to my first class like he did every single morning. That was another part of our routine that he expected me
to partake in. But not just that, he actually believed that the student body expected that too. He thought that people actually cared enough about us as a couple that they would watch us each morning walk to class. I laughed at his stupid idea, but just a week ago, I kind of felt the same way too.
He leaned in for a kiss. Dodging it, we stood awkwardly in front of each other. He looked at me, obviously feeling extremely hurt. Instead, I gave him a quick hug, hardly even touching for a full second. Without further explanation, I slipped into my chair up front. I didn’t want Brad to follow me into the classroom. I just wanted to sit in the front, not talking to a single soul. I slipped my sweatshirt hood over my head, making myself feel as though I were in my own little bubble.
“Good morning, class,” Mr. Thomas said like he did every morning. He placed his mug of coffee on the podium. Clearing his throat, he got into the lesson. I had my pen in my hand, expecting to take notes, but my mind couldn’t focus on what he was saying. In fact, my mind couldn’t hardly focus on one thing at a time. They always went back to Keiffer. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I hated it when I thought people were mad at me. But why did I care so much about him?
“Jenna Horowitz?” Mr. Thomas called. My eyes flicked up towards him. Several of my peers snickered at the fact that I had been zoned out for so long. Usually Mr. Thomas never looked at me when I answered a question because he knew that I’d get it right. However, today he was staring straight at me, concern written all over his face.
“Um…” I started. I sat up straighter, looking at my notes for clues. Instead, all I had was a hand drawn heart scribbled across my lined notepad. I felt my cheeks start to blush.
“Well, don’t you have the answer?” Mr. Thomas asked, obviously annoyed by my lack of attention that I had showed today.
“Um…” I stuttered. “Uh…”
“Well, I think that Godot was actually a portrait of God,” Keiffer’s voice answered. I turned around in my seat with such force that I almost fell off. Again, more snickers came from my peers. “Vladamir didn’t even know who he was waiting for, but he was willing to wait for as long as it took. I mean, within just two days, he was willing to stand on the corner waiting for someone who he didn’t even know. Like you explained earlier this course, existentialism also deals with how there’s a lack of God’s presence in people’s lives.”
