by Meg Brenner
“Very interesting, Mr. Lawrence. But why would Vladamir be willing to wait for him?” He crossed his arms, obviously impressed with Keiffer’s answer.
“Well, humans so desperately want to believe in a higher power. Just like Vladimir. He didn’t know Godot, but he believed so desperately that he was going to show up. It all fits, Mr. Thomas.”
“Very good. Why doesn’t Keiffer just teach this class?” Laughed Mr. Thomas. Keiffer beamed happily before glancing at me for just a second. Without any kind of expression, he started in on taking notes again. Feeling like I was punched in the stomach, I turned back to the front. Well, at least he showed up again!
For the last five minutes of class, Mr. Thomas asked the partners for his project to get together. We only had about another one and a half months to finish our papers…which meant I only had less than two months to have an excuse to get to know him. He sat down in the chair next to me, kicking his feet up on the desk like he did the very first time that we got together.
I glanced embarrassingly over at him. He was chewing on a toothpick, obviously not wanting to talk to me. I decided to just take the plunge and ask him.
“Where were you this week?” I asked, tucking my hair behind my ears nervously.
“Sick,” he responded quickly.
“Tell me the truth,” I snapped. He didn’t say anything, but just kept his eyes straight towards the clock. I felt my patience start to wear down. “Why are you ignoring me? We need to learn more about each other so we can write this stupid paper…”
“I know enough,” he growled. He quickly looked over at me, then down at the ring on my finger. “Besides, I don’t want to get too involved.”
“But I want you to get involved,” I whispered. “You’re my friend.”
“Well,” he started while he stood up. The bell was bound to ring any moment. “Unfortunately for you, Jenna Horowitz, you’re not mine.” As soon as he got it out, the bell rang loudly above our heads. He took his exit as I stood at my desk, stunned.
Grabbing my backpack and throwing myself into the crowd of people, I snatched out and wrapped my hand around his arm. He was so much stronger than me, but he didn’t’ try to get out of my grasp. He turned to face me, obviously stricken with sadness too.
“How could you say that?” I asked, stepped towards him. Our eyes were locked on each other, neither one of us wanting to tear away first. “You said that you cared!”
“I didn’t say that. I only made the illusion that I did,” he growled, taking a step closer to me. There was only a few inches between our faces. I swore that I could feel his hot breath beating against my face.
“Why would you do that? It doesn’t make sense, Keiffer. It just doesn’t. I want to get to know you.” I finally took my hand off from his arm, but he didn’t move. I kind of expected him to make a run for it, but he kept still.
“What if I don’t want to get to know you?”
“You do,” I said truthfully. “I know that you do. You feel something too!” Touching his arm slightly, he finally pulled back. Every peer that walked past us stared in our direction, but no one stopped long enough to hear what we were talking about.
I knew how it seemed, Keiffer and me in the hallway with only a few inches between our faces. I had just been given a pre-engagement ring from Brad, the hottest guy in school, yet here I was with the new kid. But at that moment, I honestly didn’t care about what anyone thought of me. I had waited all these days just to speak to him…just to see him.
“I’ve never felt anything for you,” he finally responded. He tore his eyes off from mine before slipping off into the crowd. I leaned against the nearest locker, trying to regain my strength. I couldn’t believe he had said that to me. I had so many feelings for him, yet, he treated me as though I were less than dirt to him. I wanted to cry my eyes out, but that wouldn’t come until tonight when I was finally trying to get some sleep.
“May I speak with you?” Principal Nelson asked, looking down at me. I sucked up my feelings that I had brewing inside of me, and walked with him into his office. He shut the door behind me once we were in his office. “Please, Jenna, take a seat.”
I sat down in the vacant chair, trying my best to smooth down my unbrushed hair. I knew why he had invited me into his office. It wasn’t like I was completely oblivious about how I had been acting this past week. But really, this was a long time coming. Anyone could tell that I was about to crack under the pressure.
“So, Jenna…has anything been going on in your life?” He asked, sitting down at his chair. He picked up a blue stress ball that he kept on his desk. I shook my head, shifting my eyes all around the office. “You know, you’ve been acting differently.” Now he leaned in so his arms were on his desk. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I responded grimly.
“How are your parents?” He asked, leaning back in his chair again. I felt the sides of my lips tug down. I didn’t want to cry, but from all the emotions earlier, I couldn’t keep them inside. I knew I had to lie.
“I’m just really stressed,” I finally said. “Graduation. Stresses everyone out,” I laughed lightly. I hoped that this would throw his suspicions off. Stress must be a common thing among all high school seniors. Why would a valedictorian not experience it too?
“Ah…yes.” Principal Nelson shook his head. “Makes sense. Have you started your speech yet?”
I nodded my head. “Please,” I laughed. “I started writing that since Elementary School.”
“Good to know,” he laughed too. “Listen, you’re so close. Only a couple more months to go…please, I want to see you succeed.”
“Thank you, Principal Nelson.” I stood up from the chair. “And I’ll try my best to do better.” Walking over to the door, he called my name again. I slowly turned around to face him. Another serious face.
“I’m always here for you if you need to speak to anyone.”
“I understand,” I smiled. As soon as my back was to him, my smile faded. Shutting the door firmly behind me, I took off to my next class. I didn’t care what he said. Right now I needed time to grieve…but it was none of his business what-so-ever.
Chapter Seven
Closing with Brad at work was just as horrible as I thought it was going to be. We practically ignored each other’s presence the whole time while we were working together. Occasionally we would bump arms or accidently brush up against each other, but we didn’t discuss anything until the shop had been completely closed down. Even then, it took us a good ten minutes to finally work up the courage and start talking.
At nine, once we closed, I grabbed the broom and started sweeping the floor like I normally did at the end of the night. I had sprinkles in my bra, dried whipped cream smothered onto my horrible pink shirt, and I swore that I could smell (and see) a smudge of chocolate fudge smeared across my cheek. I knew I didn’t look attractive, but it wasn’t like I was trying to impress him. He had already seen me at my lowest.
“What’s going on?” He asked. Gosh, man was I getting annoyed with that question! I shrugged my shoulders, my new resort to answering a question. “Ken Ortiz said that he saw you and Keiffer making out in the hallway after first period.”
I rolled my eyes, letting out a devlish laugh. “Are you kidding me? Ken? The special ed kid on the football team? Come’on, Brad!” I slammed my hand against one of the tables. “We’ve been dating for four years! Do you not trust me by now?”
“I don’t know what I trust! You’ve been acting differently these past couple of months. Especially this week! I don’t know how to handle you!” He was now yelling back at me, obviously angry at my outburst. “I just want you to be honest with me!”
“I’m always honest with you. Ugh! When will this end?” I yelled, sweeping the floor again.
“When will what end?” Brad asked, still looking in my direction.
“This!” I screamed. I pointed at him, then at myself, then around the whole shop. “When will th
is nightmare end!” I knew that I was overreacting but this was how I was feeling. My emotions were raw…that’s just how I expressed myself.
“I’m not forcing you to stay with me. It was only a promise ring.” He looked back down at the ice cream tubs in front of him. I could tell that he was keeping back the tears. I finally got the hint and closed my mouth before I said anything else to hurt him.
“I just want to know what’s going on. If it’s something that I did…” his voice trailed off. I knew he wanted me to answer, but I didn’t have one this time. “Please, Jenna. You’re my girlfriend and you’re unwilling to talk to me. Just tell me if you want to break up! Get me out of my misery.” He stopped wrapping lids around the tubs of ice cream that were in the freezer.
“I don’t want to break up,” I said sincerely.
“You don’t?” He asked, almost sounding relieved.
“No, Brad,” I sighed. “At least I don’t think so…”
“I figured you weren’t completely sure with your answer.” He leaned against the wall, looking as though he were able to slip into a depression. “I’ve been nothing but nice to you.”
“And that’s true,” I admitted, walking over to him. I grabbed his hands as we faced each other. Looking into his face, I actually did feel something for him. He was Brad. He was my Brad. He would always be my Brad. “I just think that the ring scared me.”
“That’s what I was thinking. You don’t have to wear it.” He lifted my hand, looking at the ring. I retracted my hand, not wanting him to admire it too much.
“But I want to,” I said quickly. I leaned toward him, kissing his cheek. “But I just don’t know how I feel about this.”
“About us?” He asked.
“About us,” I repeated. He nodded his head slowly, looking down at the floor. I ran my fingers through his hair gently. “But I want to stay together. I really do. You’ve been a part of my life for four years. I don’t think I’ll ever want to say goodbye to you.”
He leaned forward and kissed my lips. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I just want there to be some changes. I want to drive myself to school. I don’t want to rely on you in the mornings anymore. And I can talk to anyone I want.” I paused, not putting a name on it.
“You mean Keiffer,” he finally answered.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Or Lacey? Or…I don’t know. Anyone else!” I placed my hand on his. “I just want to have a little more freedom than what you’re giving me right now.”
“I give you lots…”
I shook my head. “No, I need you to give me more. I want to keep in contact with you, but I don’t want to feel like I’m being pressured into anything.”
“You mean sex?” Brad asked.
“I didn’t say that. I just meant anything. Promise?” I asked, looking him deep into his eyes.
He nodded before kissing me. “I promise.”
It was completely dark before I got home that night. I set my backpack on the floor next to my shoes like I did every night after work. Every light on the house was on, which I found completely odd. My parents usually went to bed around eight, which meant they were both still awake. Instead of thinking too much of it, I headed straight to the kitchen to raid through the refrigerator. I settled on yogurt and some grapes.
Dad stepped into the kitchen, carrying a small duffel bag in one of his arms. He looked down at me as I sat at the dining room table. I stuffed my face with a grape, nodding at the bag in his hand. “What’s up? Going on vacation?”
“Not exactly,” he said slowly. I thought about it for a second before popping another grape into my mouth. I wasn’t really sure why he was staring at me the way that he was, but right now all I needed to do was just relax. This had definitely been, hands down, the worst day in history.
“So, did you get your acceptance letter from Yale yet?” Dad asked, setting the duffle bag on the ground.
I shook my head. “Nothing yet. Dad, do you still think college is a good idea?”
“What are you talking about?” Mom snapped, stepping into the kitchen carrying an even larger bag. “Of course college is a good idea! We’ve been planning for it since you were born!”
“I was just thinking that I could get a job and stick around here.”
“Well, stop thinking like that!” She argued back. She picked up the bag from the floor where my dad had dropped it.
“Your mother and I have so-“
“Can you please let me talk for once?” Mom snapped. I put another grape in my mouth, watching them carefully from across the table. Dad backed down and let her talk. “Your father and I are getting a divorce.”
It took me a while for the information to settle in. My parents. MY parents were getting a divorce? I could hardly believe that they had told me that. “No,” I responded. “No, that’s not true. You guys would never get a divorce. You’re in love, right?”
“Honey,” mom said sweetly. “I will always love you. And I will always care about your father, but I’m not in love with him anymore. Surely, you should know the difference.”
“No, I don’t!” I yelled, standing to my feet. “Mom, you can’t leave.”
“Your father and I have fallen out of love for years now. I think we’ve raised you well. Look at you being valedictorian. I could never be more proud. And don’t think that I’m moving away. No, I’ll just be two towns down living with my boyfriend.” She leaned in, grabbing my face gently. She kissed my cheek before leaving the house.
“Mom,” I followed her, my voice quivering like a child’s. She was throwing her bags into her already stuffed trunk. “Please, please don’t go. I’ll be nicer to you! I’ll start doing my hair! If…if…if you’d just stay than I would be better!” Tears were streaming down my face as I sobbed. I kept grabbing her arms, trying to make her realize that she needed to stay.
“I’ve got to go, Jenna. I love you…and I’m still only a phone call away,” she smiled through the tears while she got into her car.
“MOM!” I screamed. I knew that my volume was going to wake up the neighbors but right now I was only being selfish. I had the reason to be selfish! She looked at my father, her eyes wide with embarrassment. Typical mom, always worrying more about our appearances rather than worrying about the family. “PLEASE STAY!!”
Dad by this time had already retreated back into the house. She backed out of the driveway as I continued screaming on the top of my lungs. I didn’t quite understand how that would help anything, but right then my adrenaline was kicking in.
“YOU CAN’T LEAVE! ESPECIALLY NOW!” I screamed at her, tapping on her window uncontrollably. “YOU’RE MY MOM! I NEED YOU! I’LL BE GOOD!!!”
Now she was in the road, not even looking through the window at my desperate face. How could she leave without any remorse? This was my mom! She was leaving me…leaving me because she was cheating! The reality hit me as I stood there, looking at her through the car window. She had been cheating on my dad the whole time. At that moment, I secretly hated her, but I wanted her to stay with me.
With just a touch of her foot, her tires squealed from in front of our house. I started running down the sidewalk even though I knew that there was no way I could ever catch up with her. I cried, letting my tears sting in the wind. “MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed as loud as I could.
I kept running until he showed up, wrapping his arms around me. I sank into Keiffer’s hug, allowing him to hold me still. I started punching him on the arm. “I can’t live without you! I can’t live without you! I can’t live without you!” I cried into his chest as he held me. I wasn’t sure if I was meaning that towards my mom, or towards the guy holding me.
He held me tightly, us both falling into the grass together. I didn’t want him to ever let go of me as we sat there. He ran his fingers through my hair, quite obviously trying to calm me down. It worked, but I couldn’t help the tears from still forming. He rocked me back and forth, letting me finally calm down without judg
ment.
Finally, after all the tears finally subsided, we locked eyes. Under the stars that night, I realized more than ever that he was everything that I was looking for in a guy. He was handsome, smart, talented, and he treated me with respect. I touched his cheek lightly, feeling the stubble poke at my fingertips. He didn’t smile at me, not even once. I wanted him to say something, anything, but he kept his mouth quiet.
I ran my fingers through his hair, feeling the curls wrap around my finger. My fingertips made their way down to his face, tracing over the stubble on his jaw. They didn’t stop moving until they reached his lips. He leaned in, placing his forehead against mine. Our breathing was delicate as we had our foreheads pressed against each other’s. I could swear that I could feel his breath against my own lips.
“I can’t live without you either,” Keiffer whispered. Chills ran down my back as he said those words. He touched my cheek, wiping the tears away. I looked into his eyes, seeing the unspoken words that he dare not say. I knew how he felt and tonight he had made it perfectly clear.
I parted my lips to say something, but instead of letting out a word, I jumped to my feet and ran towards the house. There was nothing to say. He felt something between us, yet, he acted as though I were nothing but a nuisance to him. I wanted to be something special, I wanted him to just admit that I was the one that he loved, but all I felt was resentment from him.
Without looking back, I ran into the house, slamming the front door behind me. Dad stood in the hallway. His eyes were bloodshot as he waited for me to say something. My heart was heavy and I knew my voice was going to tremble, but there was only one thing that I wanted to say.
“How could you let her walk away?” I asked, making my way up the stairs. “You practically carried her stuff out to her car!” I yelled, not wanting more tears to stain my cheeks. “What kind of a man are you?” I yelled, finally slamming my room door shut.
