“So? What’s your longest relationship?”
“I need to jump in the shower.”
Tossing the iPad and the blanket to the side, Sophie stood and headed toward the kitchen with her coffee mug. If she thought she was going to get away with not answering me, she had another thing coming. I quickly rose from the sofa and followed her.
“Oh, so you can grill me, but I can’t do the same to you?” Sophie placed her mug in the sink and marched halfway across the room before I landed in front of her. “You don’t want to admit that you too are thirty-two years old and haven’t been in a relationship. And everyone knows a woman not having had at least one significant long-term relationship at your age is much worse than a ma—” I knew I shouldn’t have gotten even that far into the sentence.
“What exactly do you mean by that, Doug?”
I swear little puffs of smoke shot out of her nose and ears.
“Uh… What… um… what are you referring to?” I stammered.
“For your information, I’ve had plenty of men offer me the world. Plenty. I’m the one who turned them down. And you know why, Doug.” I shook my head in silence. “Because I’m a modern woman who doesn’t need a man financially, emotionally, or sexually.”
“Really? Not sexually?”
“Two double-A batteries rock my world more than most men.”
“Holy shit, that’s a nut crusher.”
“And how dare you imply that a strong, intelligent, self-assured woman doesn’t have a fulfilling life unless a man is a part of it.”
“That’s not what I meant…”
Her creamy skin was turning a pretty shade of red. “What kind of fucking caveman mentality do you have swirling around in that big head of yours?”
“Do you really think my head is big? You know what they say, big head, big—”
“You think you can joke your way out of your insensitive stupidity?”
“Hold on! I didn’t mean you had to have a man to validate your life and I never said you were fat! You make my head spin in a thousand different directions and my words don’t always come out right.”
“Oh, I think they came out perfectly. Let’s face it, Doug, you’re nothing more than a male chauvinist…”
“Soph, don’t say it!”
“Oink! And by the way, its hands not head!”
“What?!”
“The size of a man’s hands are directly proportionate to the size of his penis!”
Stretching out my hands, I examined the tops before turning them palm side up.
With her hands balled into fists, Sophie got right up in my face and spat out, “New rule.”
“Give me a break.”
“From this point forward, don’t speak unless spoken to.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Do you see a smile on my face? Has my voice taken on a humorous tone?”
“Well, I’ve got a rule of my own,” I announced.
“You can’t rule me in my own home.”
“Oh, I’m gonna rule ya. I’m gonna rule ya real good. From this point forward you are prohibited from staring at my ass.”
A burst of laughter flew out of her mouth. “I don’t stare at your ass.”
I smirked. “You stare.”
“You’re so full of shit. How would you know? Do you have eyes in the back of your head?”
“I feel the sizzle.”
“The sizzle?”
“That’s right. Every time those—.” I pointed at her eyes. “—are in close proximity to this—.” I pointed at my ass. “—my cheeks get warm and tingly.”
“Oh my god! You are… the most… egotistical, juvenile creature to roam the face of the earth!”
“Yeah? Well, you’re an ass sizzler! But all that’s coming to an abrupt end right here, right now. And not only is my ass off limits—.” I dramatically waved my hands up and down my body, and continued. “All of this is no longer in play.”
Placing the back of her hand against her forehead and delivering her best southern accent, she said, “Oh my, how will I ever survive?”
“You can make all the jokes you want. Just remember when you get a craving for something sweet, this man candy is not available for licking!”
Sophie let out a loud huff, brushed by me, and stomped out of the kitchen.
A string of what was sure to be Italian profanities shot through the air, abruptly followed by, “Moo Shu Pork!”
Pushing open the swinging kitchen door, I saw Sophie climbing the stairs. Her feet were hitting each step with so much force I thought they were going to crash right through the wood.
“What?!” I yelled.
“I’ll have Moo Shu Pork for dinner!”
I raked both hands down my face and inhaled a few deep calming breaths. As usual things between us quickly heated up, just not in the way I wanted. For a second, I thought Sophie was going to toss me out on my ass, but thankfully that didn’t happen. Hold on. At first she was annoyed with me, then she ignored me, then she fought with me. Yet, the words, “get out”, never crossed over her plump lips, therefore allowing me to live another day under her roof. Quite an interesting twist of events.
MY CHEST TIGHTENED the closer I got to my house. This morning’s fight with Doug had plagued my thoughts the entire day. I spent the workday in a constant state of pissed-off-ness. I hated that he affected me so much. I grabbed my phone several times to call Bryson, knowing she’d say exactly the right thing to douse my anger. But I stopped myself each time. I wasn’t ready to let her or anyone else know about my current living arrangements.
I loved Bryson like a sister, but she’d make a big thing out of this and it wasn’t a big thing. She probably would have said something like, “Sophia Giavanna Cipriano, I know you better than you know yourself. You have always been drawn to Doug. All the fighting is nothing more than the pent-up passion that you’re resisting. I can’t help but think that allowing him to live with you is a way to see if Doug has a more mature, less annoying side.” All of which was so untrue. Although, I did enjoy our encounter outside the bathroom this morning.
When he came downstairs dressed in his gray suit and tie, smelling all fresh and minty, butterflies took flight in my stomach. I forced my gaze to stay down. Then he sat across from me with a mug of coffee in one hand and a bunch of grapes in the other. I glanced up and caught Doug tossing a grape into the air in an attempt at catching it in his mouth. He missed. Twice. I found it extremely hard to stifle my laughter, not because I was glad he missed, but because I found it charming. And to top it all off, Doug was being very thoughtful, offering to get groceries and dinner.
My initial reaction to all the above pissed me off. I didn’t want butterflies, charm, and thoughtfulness from Doug. That’s why I twisted his compliment about my curves. I knew if I got him mad enough he’d spew stupidity all over the place, reminding me of how much I loathed him. It worked. He was being nice and I shut him down. So my chest was tight as a tick not because of pent-up passion. It was because I was intentionally being a bitch. People can think what they want about me. But when I’m a bitch, I always have a good reason.
Pressing the button on the steering wheel, I cranked up “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremes, hoping it would be enough of a distraction from my thoughts and help pep up my mood.
It wasn’t as if I didn’t find Doug physically attractive. I did. I had never lied to myself about that flaw in character and taste. But the men I’ve been involved with, and when I say involved, I mean fucked, were the corporate cookie-cutter types. They were tall, dark, and handsome in their tailored suits, designer shoes, and overly styled hair. They graduated from Ivy League universities and drove exotic foreign cars.
When I entered the workforce after college, I aspired to be the female version of this type of guy. So I paid attention, took notes, and climbed to the top of my profession on brains and merit. My career had always been everything to me. If I were to have a serious relationshi
p, the man’s ambitions would have to at least match my own. Even after knowing him for five years, I wasn’t exactly sure what Doug did for a living. All I knew was he worked for a food company. Whatever that meant. Work wasn’t a topic he approached, so obviously it wasn’t high on his priority list.
But I had to admit, Doug was different from the other men I came in contact with right from the get-go. He was unpredictable, unpretentious, and undeniably challenging. He was also arrogant as hell. I mean, he actually believed his ass was one of the Seven Wonders of the World that I couldn’t resist. I’m not saying Doug’s ass wasn’t stare-worthy. It’s firm, round, and nicely proportionate to the rest of his lean body. And on occasion, I may have glanced in its direction. But there was no way in hell I looked long enough to cause a sizzle to occur. And it wasn’t that Doug didn’t have any intelligence. He just never thought before speaking.
On the flipside, Doug made me genuinely smile and laugh. Neither of which were small feats. And even with all his adolescent nonsense, there were times when he looked at me and I felt a strange connection. His green eyes would soften with the hint of a smile playing on his lips. It was as if he saw me. Not the confident, well-put-together version I show the world. But the me who has doubts, secret dreams, and vulnerabilities. The me that no one else knew except Bryson and my grandmother. It was in those brief moments that I allowed myself to wonder if there could be more between me and…
“That motherfucker took my parking spot!”
I pulled up to my house and jerked the car into park. I swear, sometimes I think Doug’s goal in life was to piss me off. After parking, I sat in my car for several seconds, inhaling and exhaling at a slow and steady pace. Once the edge had been dulled on my nerves, I grabbed my things and headed toward my house.
I walked inside and placed my purse and bag on the entryway table. When I got to my living room, a wave of confusion hit me, quickly followed by a crashing realization. My blood went from a low simmer to a full-on boil in one second flat. I forgot all about chewing him out for taking my parking spot. By the looks of things, there was a more pressing matter to attend to.
There, on my coffee table was dinner for two, complete with a bottle of wine. Apparently, my new “roomie” planned to have a bite of food and one of his skanks before I got home.
A rustling noise coming from the kitchen hit my ear. The muscles in my body got even tenser than they’d been on the drive home. With each stomp toward the kitchen, my temperature rose to heights that made global warming look like the ice age.
The swinging door was closed as well as the white shutters that separated the breakfast bar from the kitchen. Laying my palm flat against the wood, I was about to burst in, catching my prey off guard, when a deep voice mumbled from behind the door. I leaned in closer.
“You’re such a pretty pussy,” Doug cooed.
I bet the jerk already had her naked ass spread across my beautiful granite countertops. God, I hoped I had enough Clorox to disinfect.
“You like it when I rub you there, don’t you?”
Plastering my ear flat against the wood, I tried to make out a verbal response, but all I heard was a low hum.
“If you sit on my lap, I’ll give you a big treat.”
I’ll be damned if I was going to allow this lewd encounter go any further.
Clamping my eyes shut, I inhaled a deep breath and shoved open the door. “All right you son of a bitch, whatever is going on better stop immediately!”
“Soph. I wasn’t expecting you so soon.”
The arrogant motherfucker didn’t even have the decency to sound shocked.
I was grinding my teeth so hard my jaw was hurting. “That’s obvious!”
“Um… why are your eyes closed?”
Waving my hand dramatically, I said, “Because I don’t need a visual of you and…”
Suddenly, I felt pressure above and below my left eyelid before it eased open. Doug was so close, our noses were almost touching.
I swatted his hand away and took a step back. “Don’t touch me with those hands, you degenerate!”
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”
I squared my shoulders and glared directly at him, trying very hard not to let my gaze wander to others in the room.
“What the hell is wrong with me?! What the hell is wrong with you?! You absolutely blow my mind.”
“Why thank you,” he smirked.
“I don’t mean that in a good way, Doug. I’ve tried to figure you out. I really have, but you can’t apply logic to the illogical.”
It was at this point that I realized I needed to bite my tongue and implement a quick exit strategy due to the naked woman.
“I don’t have the slightest idea what you’re babbling about, Soph!”
I narrowed my eyes. “Really?! You’re that dense?!”
“Apparently! Maybe if you’d stop yelling like a crazy woman I’d get a clue!”
Leaning into him, I whispered loudly. “I’m going up to my room now to change, and when I come back down, your little friend better be gone.”
“Fine! I’m sorry. I had no idea you’d react this way.”
“Do you remember the rules, Doug? I made them crystal clear mere hours ago.”
“Yes, I remember your rules, but I didn’t think they applied in this situation.”
“Then you’re even more clueless than I thought,” I said.
“Before you go, do you have any idea who she belongs to?”
“What?”
Doug turned away from me to reveal his “friend”. I felt the blood drain from my face. Sitting on the countertop, naked and staring straight at me was Gertie, my neighbor’s orange and white tabby. Blinking several times, I stood frozen and tried to come up with a plausible explanation for my freak out that didn’t involve a nude woman.
“Soph, you okay?” He went over to the cat and scratched behind her ears. “She must have followed me when I was carrying the groceries inside.”
“Gertie,” I muttered.
“Excuse me.”
I cleared my throat. “Her name is Gertie. She belongs to the Petersons next door. They let her out in the afternoons for exercise.”
Picking up the furry feline and holding her to his chest, Doug walked toward the back door. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your walk then pussycat.”
The second Doug placed Gertie outside, she took off like a rocket.
I needed to get out of here before he started interrogating me about my outburst. I turned and was almost safely out the kitchen when his words stopped me.
“Soph, why were you so pissed?”
I didn’t turn to face him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You called me a son of a bitch. And while my mother would agree… Hold on a second.” His tone got cocky. “Exactly what did you think was going on in here?”
There was no way in hell I’d admit to him what I thought was going on in here.
“Exactly what did you think was going on in here?” I said with conviction as I turned to face him.
There was a five-second delay before Doug burst into laughter. “You thought I had a girl in here, didn’t you?” His laughter mixed with gasps for air continued. “Oh, God! I can’t breathe. Whoa! That is priceless.”
Doug bent over with his arm wrapped around his stomach. Still laughing, still gasping with the addition of tears rolling down his cheeks.
“That’s right, laugh it up, buddy. Why wouldn’t I think you had a woman in here? I mean, you’re you.”
Standing up straight, Doug wiped away his tears. “Okay, I’ll give you that. But Soph, being here with you… Well, the last thing on my mind is another woman.”
Looking into his bright green eyes, I saw something I’d never noticed before… sincerity. A slight tingle traveled through my body.
“Really?” I gave him a faint smile.
“Yeah, I like my man berries too much.” Laughter flew out of his mouth.
/> “Ha-ha.” I turned on my heels and walked with purpose out of the room.
Following close behind, Doug said, “Soph, don’t leave.” I stopped next to the coffee table and spun around to face him. “What’s the deal with this set-up?”
“Remember, I was picking up groceries and takeout? I thought it would be nice to have dinner and watch a movie together. You know, a little roomie bonding if you will.”
“Is this an attempt to apologize for calling me fat earlier today?”
With his jaw clenched, he ground his teeth, and looked directly at me. “No-o-o-o, because I never said you were fat. I was admiring your curves.”
My gaze swung from Doug to the Chinese takeout boxes on the coffee table.
“What’s the word on the timeframe of fixing your condo?” I said.
Taking the bottle in one hand and a glass in the other, Doug poured a hearty amount of wine.
“Here take a few swigs,” he said holding the glass out to me.
I took the glass but didn’t drink. “How long, Doug?”
“There was a lot more damage than they first thought.”
“Doug.”
“And you know insurance takes a while to get sorted out.”
“How long?”
“Eight to twelve weeks.” He winced anticipating my reaction.
Raising the glass to my mouth, I took a good long swig of Merlot.
“So because it looks like we’re going to be spending a little more time together, I figured it’d be nice to relax, have some fun, and get to know each other better. You know, Soph, we really don’t know a lot of details about each other’s lives.”
“I know all I need to know about you. And you know all you need to know about me.”
“Christ, would you unclench for just a few hours. We don’t have to speak. We’ll eat and watch the movie. Period.”
I stood silent for several seconds. Was this Doug genuinely trying to be nice and not a ploy to get in my bed?
“Did you get egg rolls?” I asked.
Doug picked up a container and uncovered four egg rolls. “I sure did.”
“I hate egg rolls. I like spring rolls.”
He quickly picked up another container, opened it, and held it out to me. “I got them too.”
Crazy Sexy Love Page 5
