Well Hung Over in Vegas: A Standalone Romantic Comedy

by Kimberly Fox

  “Definitely,” the man says.

  “We don’t serve people in your condition,” Jess says, taking a drag of her cigarette.

  The man reaches into his dirty jacket and pulls out a wad of money. My eyes turn into dollar signs as I stare at the thick pile of Benjamin Franklins in his hand. That could pay my personal and work bills for the next two months.

  So what if they’re a tad fucked up? If they want a tattoo and are willing to pay for it, then I should give it to them. Otherwise, they’re just going to go to another shop down the street.

  Why shouldn’t I take their money? Sure, it’s a tad unethical, but I really need the cash.

  When he stuffs the wad of bills into my hand, my ethical dilemma vanishes.

  “What can I get you and where?” I ask, slipping the money into my pocket.

  “I want her name,” the guy says, wrapping his muscular arm around his deep-fried girl. “What’s your name?”

  The girl looks up at the sky for a second. “I think it starts with a D. I want your name tattooed on me too, on my forehead like hers,” she says, pointing at Jess.

  I swallow hard. I’ll take their money, I’ll give them tattoos, but I’m not tattooing their faces no matter how much they beg me for it.

  So what if they don’t even know each other’s names and are likely to regret it in the morning? This is Vegas. This town was built on regrets.

  Who am I to deny this nice couple their true Vegas experience?

  They both pull out their drivers’ licenses and are trying to read them. The chick has hers upside down.

  “Let me help you with that,” Jess says, slowly taking it from them. “Tyler and Dahlia.”

  “That’s it!” Tyler says, pointing at Jess. “We’re soulmates.”

  “Awesome!” I say, taking a deep breath as I open the door. “Then let’s go get some tattoos!”

  13

  Tyler

  “Why is your father-in-law swimming naked in my pool?”

  That’s the first question my mother asks when I walk down in the morning. Thankfully, Dahlia is still sleeping upstairs. She would absolutely die if she knew this was going on right now.

  “Is that coffee I smell?” I ask, looking over her head into the kitchen. This whole situation is going to go a lot better if I have a cup of coffee in my hand. It’s too early for saggy old penises before a hit of caffeine.

  “Tyler,” she grits through a clenched jaw. I haven’t seen that angry face since I was a teenager. “I said there’s a naked man in my pool!”

  I sigh as I walk over to the back doors, dreaming of a steaming cup of coffee. “Where’s Dad?”

  She looks even more pissed now. “He’s out back doing yoga with that woman!”

  “You mean Dahlia’s mom?”

  My mother crosses her arms over her chest and huffs out a breath. “They smoked marijuana cigarettes!”

  “Dad did?” I ask, staring at her in shock. “Mack McMillan?”

  Her nostrils are flaring as she stares at me. “He liked to hit the reefer in college, but I made him promise to give it up forever when I married him.”

  “Dad?” I say, still staring at her in shock. The father I knew would never have touched the green stuff. Lord knows, he’s needed it over the years.

  “Yes, your father,” she says, placing her palms on my arm. She pushes me with all of her might, but she slides backward and I don’t move. “Now, I have been very nice to those people, but I don’t want that man’s penis in my pool!”

  “All right,” I say, running a hand through my hair as I walk outside.

  Sure enough, Dahlia’s father Echo is doing laps in the pool naked, looking like the world’s ugliest merman with his long gray hair trailing out behind him.

  He flips on his back and pushes off the wall of the pool, doing a backstroke while showing off his free willy.

  “See?” my mother says, marching up beside me.

  “Unfortunately, I can,” I say, taking a deep breath. What the hell did I marry myself into?

  I look down at my mom and shrug. “At least his penis is out of the water now.”

  She stomps her foot with a huff of breath and storms back into the house.

  “Good morning, Echo,” I say when he stops for a breather at the other end of the pool. “Can I loan you a bathing suit?” Before my mother has a shit fit?

  His long gray hair is plastered to his head, making him look like the creature from the hippie lagoon. “I’m perfectly zen like this, Tyler. Nothing invigorates me sexually like a naked swim in cool refreshing water.”

  I take a deep breath, trying to figure out the best way to deal with him. “I’ll buy five of your tie-dye shirts if you put on a bathing suit.”

  He jumps out of the pool with a huge grin on his face. “You won’t be disappointed,” he says as he grabs the towel and wraps it around his tanned wrinkly body.

  “I’m already not disappointed,” I say, taking a breath of relief now that his mini Woodstock is covered with a towel. “Just stay like that, and I’ll go get you a bathing suit.”

  I glance over to where my father and Dahlia’s mother Essence are practicing yoga on the grass. My dad is giggling as he tries to bend his legs into the shape of a pretzel.

  His eyes are bloodshot and half-closed, but I’m still having a hard time believing that he’s stoned.

  I hurry into the house, passing my mother who is wiping the counter so hard that I’m worried she’s going to crack the thick granite. She always cleans when she’s pissed.

  “He’s out of the pool and covered up,” I say as I rush past her.

  She glances out the window and scowls. “Remind me to burn that towel after.”

  I race up the stairs, surprisingly excited to see Dahlia. I had a lot of fun with her last night, and I’m actually grinning to myself now that I get to see her again.

  I slowly open the door to my bedroom in case she’s still sleeping. She moves her head on the pillow when I walk in and looks up with tired groggy eyes.

  The sight is so beautiful that my heart skips a beat. I take a step back as I watch her sit up in the bed with my skin tingling. Her hair is a wild mess, but I fucking love it. Long curly strands of brown hair that are finally let loose by their strict owner cascade over her shoulders and over my favorite Sum 41 t-shirt.

  The lucky shirt is too big and hanging off her body. The hole for the head has fallen over her shoulder, giving me a tempting view of her soft skin.

  I thought she looked stunning last night in her gorgeous red dress, but she looks absolutely mesmerizing now, waking up au naturale with no makeup on in my shirt and in my bed.

  This girl is starting to get to me. I’m starting to have feelings.

  I wanted her last night. Having her in my bed and not trying to make a move was pure torture, but I can tell that Dahlia is the type of girl who needs to take things slow. With parents like hers, I can see why.

  But this thing between us is already complicated enough without throwing feelings into the mix. My priority has to be the company. Nick can’t be the one to run it. He would ruin everything my father worked so hard to build.

  And he just might be the one to get it if our marriage is revealed as a sham, or if this thing ends up in a disastrous fight. We have to stay civil and remain on speaking terms.

  That means I have to shut down these feelings.

  Feelings can come after I get the company. Nothing is more important to me than that.

  But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy each other’s bodies again if we can somehow keep our messy feelings out of it.

  I just know that I won’t be able to resist trying when I see her in the office on Monday morning. We can still play some games without getting any feelings involved. If I ramp up the sexual tension at work, maybe we can have another go before she leaves—a night to remember with absolutely no feelings involved.

  Monday morning, it’s on.

  “What are my parents doing?” she a
sks, rubbing her eyes. It’s the first thing she asks.

  I smile as I walk over to my dresser and open a drawer. “Your mother is doing yoga with my father, and your father is swimming.”

  Her back straightens as she looks at me with terror in her eyes. “Is he wearing a bathing suit?”

  I pull one out of my drawer and hold it up. “He will be now.”

  “Oh, God,” she says, dropping her head back down on the pillow. Seeing her lying in my bed is getting me going. I’m starting to harden in my shorts as I picture crawling on top of her and giving her a proper good morning.

  “Why would your mother invite them?”

  “It’s going great,” I lie. “It’s a beautiful day out. Why don’t you join your dad for a swim before breakfast?”

  “A swim does sound nice,” she says, staring up at the ceiling.

  It sounds perfect. I would love to see her hot body in a tight bikini.

  “But, I don’t have my bathing suit here.”

  I grin, already prepared. “I figured my mother would make you sleep over, so I went bikini shopping.”

  She sits back up with a look of disbelief on her face. “You bought me a bikini?”

  I grin as I head to my closet and pull out a bag from Bikini Boutique. “Of course! I’m your husband. I’ve got you covered.”

  Her face hardens as she stares at the bag. “How covered? I’m afraid to see the size of that thing.”

  “I made it out of dental floss,” I say with a chuckle as I pull it out of the bag and toss it onto the bed. “Try it on.”

  She holds it up and my dick hardens just picturing what she would look like in it.

  “It’s a little small,” she says, holding the top against her chest.

  “At least it’s not see-through,” I say with a grin.

  She stuffs it back into the bag. “I don’t think so.”

  I have to pull out the ace in my sleeve. She’s making me do it.

  “No bathing suit for you, no bathing suit for your father.”

  Her face drops as she glares at me. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Try me,” I say, holding Echo’s bathing suit over the open drawer. We stare each other down for a few seconds, me smirking, her glaring.

  “Fine,” she says with a huff of breath. She grabs it and gets out of bed. “But if it’s too small, I’m not coming out.”

  “That’s okay,” I say as she shuffles to my en suite bathroom. “I have cameras in there anyway. Kidding,” I say when I see her face.

  Note to self: Install cameras in my bathroom.

  She closes the door, and I start pacing around my room like a hungry tiger. The anticipation of seeing her in only the bathing suit I bought her is killing me and making my dick ache. I purposely bought it a size too small so I can see every single one of her curves.

  “Did you buy this in the kids’ department?” she asks through the closed door. “This thing is miniature.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine,” I say with my heart racing. “Open the door and show me.”

  “No way.”

  “Okay,” I say, smirking to myself. “I’ll just go tell your dad that he can swim without a bathing suit.”

  I hear a muffled ‘ugh’ from the other side of the door before the handle starts turning and the door slowly opens.

  My breath quickens and the smile on my face vanishes when I see her. She’s perfect.

  The tight blue bathing suit is clinging to her body, showing me everything except the very best parts.

  She’s standing there shyly as she slowly moves her eyes from the tiles under her feet up to mine. It takes everything I have not to pounce on her.

  “Too small, right?” she asks, covering her perky little breasts with her arms.

  I just shake my head, staring at her like she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, because she is.

  “Say something.”

  “Wow.”

  “Shut up,” she says before turning to grab my Sum 41 shirt off the counter. My eyes immediately fall to her ass as she turns, and I snap my head back in surprise when I see a bit of ink on her butt cheek, peeking out from under the bikini bottom.

  I can only see the tip of her tattoo but the sight makes my body flood with warmth. Fuck, I want to see the whole thing.

  “I didn’t picture you as the type to get a tattoo,” I say as she shakes out the shirt.

  “That’s because I would never get one.”

  “Then what’s that?” I ask, pointing at the nicest ass I’ve ever seen.

  “What’s what?” She twists around, trying to see her butt but she can’t see the tattoo from her angle.

  “Stop messing with me,” she says, straightening back up. “I’m not going to take my bathing suit off.”

  “There’s a tattoo back there,” I say with an unflinching voice. And I desperately want to see it.

  She rolls her eyes and then steps up onto the ledge of the bath so she can see her ass in the mirror. “What the fuck?!?” she screams when she sees the tattoo.

  She yanks the fabric to the side and gasps when a brand-new tattoo is revealed on her right butt cheek.

  I walk over, narrowing my eyes to see better. “Does that say—”

  The words disappear from my throat when I see my name branded on her formerly flawless ass. TYLER is tattooed on her goosebumped skin in big block letters.

  This is too perfect. Her ass is mine forever.

  “That’s my name,” I say, trying not to laugh as she freaks out. “Your ass is officially mine.”

  “What the fuck?!? What the fuck?!? What the fuck?!?” she screams, shaking her head like a madwoman as she stares at the reflection of her ass in the mirror. “How did this happen?”

  I can barely contain my grin. The marriage certificate wasn’t permanent, but this is.

  “This is the first time you’ve seen it?” I ask.

  She jumps off the ledge of the bath, rips the Sum 41 shirt off the counter, and yanks it on. “Yes, it’s the first time I’ve seen it! I don’t look at my ass in the mirror every day!”

  “You should,” I answer. “If I had that ass I’d be staring at in the mirror all day.”

  The heated look she gives me makes me take a step back and gulp.

  “Wait a minute,” she says when something dawns on her. She pulls the shirt back up, licks her thumb, and tries to wipe the tattoo off her skin. It’s not going anywhere. It’s real.

  “Shit!” she curses, yanking her shirt back down. Her jaw is clenched tight as she looks up at me. “Where’s yours?”

  My face drops. I didn’t think of that. I was there too on that crazy night, so if she has my name tattooed on her ass, I probably have her name tattooed on mine.

  I slide down the back of my shorts and check out my ass in the mirror. There’s nothing there.

  “Fuck you,” she says, elbowing my ribs as she storms past me into my room.

  I swallow my laugh as she stomps into the hallway. I follow her downstairs with my eyes locked on her round ass, which is now officially mine.

  “Look at all of these seeds,” my father says, staring in wonder at the strawberry in his hand. “Will a strawberry tree grow in my stomach if I eat this thing?”

  My mother rolls her eyes and turns away from him, looking disgusted. Yup, he’s still high as fuck.

  I glance over at Dahlia, who still hasn’t looked at me since the incident in the bathroom. We’re eating breakfast with all of our parents outside, and to say it’s awkward is a massive understatement.

  My mother is pissed at my dad, Dahlia is pissed at the world, my father is soaring through another dimension, and my new father-in-law is trying to get me to buy into his new business venture.

  “I’m offering to get you in on the ground level of this enterprise,” Echo says, talking with his mouth full. “You’re family now, Tyler, so I want to offer you this great opportunity.”

  “Do people still wear tie-dye shirts?” I ask, staring at
the half-chewed bagel in his mouth.

  “They will when they see our shirts,” he says, nodding. “But joining in won’t come cheap. I need you to invest some big money to get in.”

  “Maybe I’ll turn into a strawberry,” my father says, still mesmerized by the piece of fruit in his hand.

  “What kind of big money?” I ask, already trying to figure out how I’m going to turn him down. I’m happy to help out my new in-laws, but I’m not about to invest six or seven figures on a hippie t-shirt company.

  Echo inhales sharply. “It’s big money,” he repeats. “A full six hundred dollars.”

  Dahlia rolls her eyes. “Can we talk about something else?”

  “Like strawberries,” my father says. He brings it to his mouth to take a bite but then gasps and throws it on the ground instead while looking panicked.

  How much did he smoke?

  “Sure,” I say, taking a sip of my orange juice. “I can invest six hundred dollars.” Ending this conversation would be worth six hundred dollars alone.

  “That’s six hundred dollars you’ll never see again,” Dahlia mutters under her breath.

  “Unless my wife wants to spend it on something else,” I say with a grin. “Maybe a back tattoo of her husband’s face?”

  She stabs a piece of sausage with her fork as she glares at me from across the table.

  “So,” my mother says, turning to Dahlia. “Do you want to have kids?”

  “Mom!”

  Dahlia’s mother Essence scoffs. “Ew. Don’t have kids. They’re such a bummer and will ruin your life.”

  “Gee, thanks, Mom,” Dahlia says, rolling her eyes.

  My father picks up a strawberry and throws it over the fence into the neighbors’ yard with a grunt. “It was an evil strawberry,” he says, looking around nervously.

  “Maybe you should go take a nap, Dad,” I say, watching as he picks up another strawberry and slowly cuts it with a knife and fork.

  My mother is staring at him in complete disgust. “I’ve never been less attracted to you.”

  This whole breakfast has been a complete disaster. I’m just glad my dad is too fucked up to notice.