OUTCAST

by Cheryl Brooks

  But he wasn’t a slave anymore. He was a free man, and, scenting his rival, he would fight, perhaps even kill, to keep his mate. On Zetith, such confrontations were rare, for when a woman chose a man for her mate, it was for life. Rivalry was nearly unheard of. But as his blood heated and his hackles rose, he knew that this was something deep; an instinct long buried in his species. He would not give her up without a fight.

  But first, there was something else that needed to be done.

  He found Bonnie in the bathroom on her knees by the tub, engaged in giving a very lively Ulla her bath. Without preamble, he said: “I want to get rid of this.”

  “What?” she said, glancing over her shoulder. “What are you talking about?”

  “This,” he said, pointing to the implant in his arm. “I wish to be freed.”

  Bonnie pushed a stray lock of hair from her eyes and stared up at him curiously. “But you’re already free, Lynx. How will that change anything?”

  “It is a reminder to me of what I once was. I want it gone.”

  “Lynx,” Bonnie said gently, thinking she understood the reason for his urgency. “It only makes you sterile, not impotent.”

  “Still, I want it removed.”

  “Right now?” She gathered a squeaky-clean Ulla up in a soft towel and held her close. “Vladen's been gone for a while, so he should be back through here soon. We can probably catch him on the next market day.”

  “No,” he said with a swift shake of his head. “Now.”

  “Sylor had Vladen take his out,” Bonnie said doubtfully. “I’m not sure of the procedure…”

  “It should not be difficult,” Lynx said impatiently. “If you will not do it, then I will cut it out myself.”

  “Well, now wait a minute, maybe I could—” But she was talking to empty space.

  Now that he’d decided on it, Lynx couldn’t wait another moment; not for Vladen to return, nor for Bonnie to reluctantly agree. The knife was sharp, and it stung where he cut himself. Forcing the end of the tube through the opening in his skin, he pulled it out, discovering that it hurt far less to remove than it had to put it there. He held it up to the light. It looked so simple, so innocuous. How could such a small device change his life so profoundly?

  Bonnie dressed Ulla quickly and set her down to play on the floor. She found Lynx in the kitchen, bleeding, and the implant gone, smashed into a thousand pieces.

  “Boy, when you decide to do something, you don’t waste any time, do you?” Bonnie commented. Searching his face, she tried to get some idea of why he’d felt it was so urgent. Her voice sincere and her expression quite serious, she added, “I would have done it for you, Lynx. I was just… busy.”

  Lynx was already feeling a bit chagrined for his impatience. “I could not wait,” he said with a shrug. “I do not know why.” He did know, but the fact that Sylor was in the vicinity was one that he was reluctant to impart to Bonnie. How would she react when he told her? He had no idea whether she would be angry or elated, but he was hoping for anger. Sylor had left her, stolen from her, and while she’d told Lynx she loved him, he’d never heard her say she loved Sylor, but Lynx was sure she must have at one time. He knew her well enough by this time to know that she would not treat such a matter lightly.

  “Well, no harm done,” Bonnie said briskly. “I might have swabbed it with an antiseptic first if I’d done it, but I don’t think there's anything to worry about.” Bonnie was glad Lynx had been the one to insist on removing the implant, because she didn’t want him to think that her only interest in the matter was to restore his sexual capability—which wasn’t the real reason at all, but it would have been a welcome side effect.

  “I am not worried,” Lynx said. “I have suffered worse injuries with no ill effect.” He hesitated for a moment, debating on what to say to her. Taking a deep breath, he said, “But I was told I would die if it was ever removed.”

  Bonnie felt the floor give way beneath her feet. “And you pulled it out anyway?” It terrified her to think that she might have been wrong. “Oh, my God,” she said faintly. “Maybe it wasn’t what I thought it was after all! Maybe we should—”

  “No,” Lynx said quickly, cutting her off. “You were correct; if I had fathered a child while I was a slave, it probably would have resulted in my being killed.” He winced as the other thought came to him, “—along with the child—and possibly the child's mother.”

  “I didn’t think about the possibility of you being killed,” Bonnie admitted. “But I did think about the children. That's why the women didn’t want their babies to be yours, Lynx. It had nothing to do with you personally.” Noting his stricken expression, she added, “It was pretty heartless not to explain it to you, but you were a slave.”

  Lynx nodded. She was right. It was nothing more than what he’d told himself already, but hearing it from her made it seem… better somehow. He stared down at the shattered remains of the implant. “And now it is gone, but it still makes no difference.”

  He was feeling sorry for himself, and he knew it, but he said it anyway. There were demons he needed to ex-orcise—demons that haunted him constantly.

  “You might be surprised,” Bonnie murmured.

  He looked at her curiously. “Are you really so unlike the others I have known? I feel it; and I want to believe it, but sometimes the past is too strong, and I—”

  Bonnie sighed deeply. “Guess I have to come right out and say it, don’t I?”

  His face went blank, and he stopped breathing, waiting for what she would say.

  “I’m glad you took that thing out if it was so important to you. I love you so much, Lynx. You’re a good father to Ulla, and you’d be a good father to your own children too.”

  “Perhaps,” he said. Judging from his expression, he didn’t believe it.

  Bonnie shook her head. “I’ll try every way that I can, Lynx. Vladen can help. You’ll see.”

  “What are you saying?” he whispered.

  Bonnie smiled at him lovingly. “I want to have your children, Lynx. We’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen.”

  Lynx felt the blood drain out of his face. “But, how is that possible?”

  “There are lots of ways,” she assured him. “Medical treatment is probably a lot more advanced here than it was on Paemay, or even Zetith. Vladen can do some pretty remarkable things—you haven’t gotten to see it yet, but you will.” Bonnie had been speaking urgently, encouragingly, but was struck with a sudden shyness as she lost some of her confidence. Maybe she was wrong; maybe that wasn’t what he wanted after all. “If—if that's what you want.”

  Lynx closed his eyes, remembering all the children he’d brought into the world; all the times he’d held his breath until he could see, until he knew. His head began to spin, and Bonnie caught him in her arms to steady him. “No one ever—” he whispered.

  “Lynx, you understand why that was, don’t you?” she said. “It wasn’t you! It was the situation you were in! There's nothing wrong with you—and there never has been! There is absolutely no reason why any woman in her right mind wouldn’t love you and want to be with you forever and have your children! It's what I want more than anything in the world—and I’m not what you’d call an easy mark! I was ready to swear off men entirely because I didn’t think the kind of man I wanted even existed!” Her eyes filled with tears as she cupped his cheek and gazed into his exotic eyes, at the strong planes of his face. “But you do exist, and you are real. You’re honest, loving, intelligent, and I’m so lucky to have found you.” Bonnie paused as she attempted a watery smile. “Of course, the fact that you’re downright gorgeous doesn’t hurt, either.”

  Lynx couldn’t help but smile back. “It is I who am lucky to have found you,” he said. “You are such a stubborn woman! When I think of how I have acted, I am surprised you did not have me sent back to Paemay.”

  “Don’t think I didn’t try,” Bonnie said dryly. “But Drummond wouldn’t let me.” She paused a moment
before adding reflectively, “Jack probably would have had my hide for getting you deported, too, and I’m sure Cat and Leo wouldn’t want to lose track of you now that they’ve found you.” She looked up at him shyly. “And Jack told me a little bit about what it was like to have a Zetithian lover.”

  Once again, Lynx's face became an unreadable mask. “I am sorry that I cannot—” He dropped his head. “I was once a very skilled lover. I could do such things—”

  “Shhh,” she said, putting a finger to his lips. “Please, don’t apologize for that anymore. It's not your fault, Lynx. None of it is. Besides, if you could still function, you would never have been sold, and you would never have come to this world. You would still be a slave, and we would never have met—and that really would have been a tragedy.”

  She followed those words up with a poignant kiss but felt a fierce determination grow within her. I will not lose him. He will know what it is to be loved. I promise.

  Lynx couldn’t help but feel regret when he kissed her. There had been a time when he could make a woman feel nothing but pleasure, casting an erotic spell that left them sated and sleeping, but always eager for more when they awoke. As much as he’d done to please them, those women should have worshiped the ground he walked on, but they never had. He had given so much but had received nothing in return. Bonnie had been happy with so much less and had shown him so much more kindness. He didn’t understand the difference, but he liked it. He only wished he could give her everything, but that was impossible.

  Chapter 17

  BONNIE COULDN’T HAVE SAID JUST WHEN SHE NOTICED it, but over the next few days Lynx's lovemaking became as mechanical as she had suspected it might be at the outset. He was doing all the same things, and they were having a similar effect, but something had changed. Knowing just how far he had come, she might have expected him to backslide a little, but she also knew that he could progress even further if given the right amount of support and encouragement. Still, she couldn’t forget that first night when she’d seen the fire in his eyes. She tried to analyze it; what had been the trigger that set him off? Lynx was still there with her, but the heat was gone, and she wanted it back.

  Lynx might have been happy doing what he could for Bonnie if only he hadn’t known what he had been capable of before, but he did, and his dissatisfaction grew. The woman who should have been the recipient of the best he had to offer was getting far less than she deserved and far less than he wanted to give. Insecurities redeveloped, sending him back behind the walls he had shielded himself behind for so long. Not completely, of course—he didn’t retreat to the shed, but his attitude changed.

  To make matters worse, Ulla was teething and grew increasingly irritable and fussy and wanted to chew on anything and everything she could find to relieve the pressure in her gums. Bonnie was having a hard time recognizing her normally happy baby in the miserable wretch Ulla had become. It seemed to Bonnie that the only time Ulla wasn’t crying was when Lynx held her and let her gnaw on his finger while he purred.

  Lynx was outside doing something, she didn’t know what, but Bonnie hoped he would come back soon. “Sorry I can’t purr like your father,” Bonnie told a bawling Ulla as she sat rocking her. “Wish I could, but I’ve never been able to get the hang of it.”

  Bonnie jumped about a foot as Lynx put a hand on her shoulder. “I will take her now,” he said.

  “Please do!” Bonnie exclaimed. “I can’t do a thing with her! Vladen gave me some stuff to put on her gums, but I think it makes it even worse!”

  Lynx took Ulla without comment, holding her close and patting her back while he purred, still not quite able to comprehend what he’d just heard, but he knew it was wrong.

  “Even though we are lovers, I am not her father,” Lynx said quietly. “You should not confuse her by referring to me in that manner.”

  “You’re the only father she has ever known, Lynx. I don’t see how it's confusing—especially now.”

  “But how will it be when she grows older and realizes that I could not possibly be her father?”

  “She’ll think she's adopted, I guess,” Bonnie said with a shrug. “I mean, she doesn’t look like me, either. She's too much like Sylor for that.”

  “But she does look like you,” Lynx said gently. “She has your hair and eyes.”

  “Maybe,” Bonnie conceded, “but that's about all.”

  Lynx's expression grew wary. “There is nothing in her of me.”

  “She's got your name.”

  “My mother's name,” Lynx corrected her.

  Bonnie hesitated, wondering if this was the time to tell him everything… but perhaps not. “Yes, but I gave her your mother's name, not Sylor's. You are more a father to her than Sylor will ever be—not that I’d give him the chance now; not after what he did.”

  “But he is her father,” Lynx insisted.

  “Biologically, yes,” Bonnie grumbled. “But that's about all the credit I’ll give him.”

  Lynx stared at her, the light beginning to dawn. “You do not still love him?”

  Bonnie gaped at him for a long moment in total disbelief. “Well, if I ever did, I certainly don’t love him now! For heaven's sake, Lynx! Don’t you get it? I’ve chosen you. You, just you, and only you. I love you, you big dummy! Can’t you get that through your thick skull?”

  Lynx just stared at her, and then at the now sleeping Ulla in his arms. “I don’t understand.”

  “And here I’ve been thinking you were so smart all this time! I want you to stay here, Lynx; I want you to be a father to Ulla and a husband to me. I said I wanted to have your children too. Weren’t you listening?”

  “Yes, but I still don’t believe it would be possible.”

  “Oh, it's possible, all right,” Bonnie said roundly. “I brought you to climax once, and I’m sure I can do it again. Not meaning to sound too unromantic and technical about it, but now that you’ve pulled out that implant, you’ll start to produce sperm again, and we can collect your semen and then inseminate me with it. I will have your children, Lynx. It's just a matter of time.”

  “But Shaulla—”

  “So what if she doesn’t look like you!” Bonnie protested. “You brought her into this world; you’ve cared for her and loved her. No father could do more than that!” Bonnie was rapidly losing patience with him. “I thought you understood all of this. Where were you when I said it? Another planet?”

  “Perhaps I was,” Lynx said uncertainly.

  “Well, are you back now? How many times do I have to tell you before you’ll believe me?”

  “I—”

  “Put that baby to bed,” Bonnie said darkly. “I don’t know what else it’ll take, but I’m going to prove it to you, once and for all. What's gotten into you anyway? I thought you were doing so much better. Having a relapse?”

  Lynx was so confused the only thing he heard was that he should put the baby down, so that's what he did. He looked down at her lying in her bed. She really was his—sort of. How fascinating…

  Bonnie took his hand. “Come on, ‘Dad.’ You and ‘Mom’ need to spend a little time alone.”

  Pulling him along behind her, Bonnie took him to her bed. Turning, she looked fiercely into his eyes and said, “Okay, Lynx. This time, I want it all.”

  He gaped at her in surprise. “I’ve done all I can, there's nothing more I can do,” he protested.

  “I’m not talking about sex,” she said. “And even if I was, it wouldn’t matter. Besides, there's nothing wrong with you. You can do anything you want, Lynx. Vladen as good as told me that nothing physical showed up on that scan he did of you when you first got here—and those scans are damn near foolproof!”

  Lynx just stood there, not having the slightest idea what to say to her.

  “I’ve done all I can,” she went on. “Now it's time for you to do something.”

  “But I have!” he said, his anger rising at last. “I have worked for you, I have helped with the child, and I have
lain with you and given you what pleasure I can!”

  “Yes, but the one thing I really want, you’ve never given me. You’ve never given me yourself.”

  “No?”

  “No, you haven’t. There's a part of you that you’ve never given to anyone—not to me, not to anyone you’ve ever been with—and I want it.” She raised a hand to caress his cheek. “I love you more than you will ever know,” she whispered. “Please believe that. I want to give you everything—myself, my daughter, and children of our own. But I can’t do that if you won’t let me.”

  Bonnie was gazing straight into those big yellow eyes when she saw the fire ignite behind them. The dam broke at last, and Lynx lunged at her, pulling her into his arms, crushing her in his embrace. His mouth found hers, and as he devoured her soft, full lips, Bonnie became aware of a growing thunder in her ears, and the fire between her thighs erupted. She didn’t care what he did to her—not even if she died as a result.

  Lynx felt a tightness in his balls and something happened, something long forgotten, as a rush of blood and fire raced through his groin. He didn’t remove her clothes gently, but ripped them to shreds while the crashing sound of his own pulse raged in his head. He felt a throb and pain, tearing through long-dormant places, and his cock began to ache with lust and need and love and desire. Freeing himself of his clothing, he threw her down on the bed and then pounced on her like a wildcat on its prey.

  There was no time to waste; the need to mate was so strong, he had to succumb to it or die. Bonnie's eyes were clouded with desire, and he could smell her scent; surrounding him, enveloping him, and driving him to new pinnacles of passion. Her nipples were hard, her legs spread wide, the golden hair between them wet and waiting for him. Pinning her with his own body, he licked her, savoring the flavor and aroma of hot, passionate woman. The scent of her was stronger than ever and drove him mad. She smelled different, too; the pleasing aroma of love was still there, but was now spiced with the sharp scent of lust. He wanted nothing more than to bury himself in her soft body and get lost inside her forever.