by Susan Lewis
‘Actually, better than I might have expected, but she seems a lot stronger already with you back in her life, and John, of course. And she’s spending a lot of time talking to Becky.’
‘What about Simon?’
‘He’s being a typical male, saying he doesn’t need to keep going over it, but I know he’s had several long conversations with Giselle about it all. It’s good that they’re so close, because he definitely needs someone. We all do, and I know he won’t talk to me about this because he thinks he has to protect me.’
‘Does he have to?’
‘Not really, I can cope. He keeps saying he wishes Daddy was here, which John seems to take very well, considering, but I’m sure it’s hurtful. I don’t know if they can ever be the father and son John must hope for, but over time I’m sure they’ll start to bond. They’re both too caring and sensible not to at least give it a try. Anyway, Simon can’t wish for Daddy more than I do, because I’d give anything to be able to talk to him right now. I feel as though he and I are a bit like outsiders in all this … Well, I suppose we are really, because obviously Mummy wouldn’t have married him if … Well, if things had turned out the way they should have.’
Feeling as though her own heart was wrapping around Sarah’s, Lucy pulled her into an embrace as she said, ‘Maybe that creates something special for us, because in a way I’m on the outside too.’
Sarah’s evident relief was so touching that Lucy could only feel thankful that she was able to provide some of the reassurance she so clearly needed.
‘Sorry if I’m interrupting,’ John said from the doorway.
Turning around, Lucy felt her loyalties being torn apart as she realised, from the dockets he was holding, that he was there in his capacity as driver-cum-storekeeper, apparently not wanting to let her down in spite of what was being said about him in the village – not to mention everything else that had changed between them. Some semblance of normality, as well as moral support, was what he was clearly trying to convey, and as he threw out his hands in an ironically helpless sort of way, she found herself wishing they could simply go back to the way things had been before. Or perhaps to the very beginning.
‘I’ve got a vanload outside,’ he said, ‘and I was hoping Joe might help me unload.’
Realising that Carl must have decided to join the others who were boycotting the company because of John, Lucy’s heart ached with guilt as she said, ‘He went back to London this morning. Shall I ring around to see if we can find someone else?’
‘Tell you what, I’ll go and get Simon,’ Sarah declared, and allowing no time for an objection she was gone.
Left alone, Lucy looked at John again and hardly knew what to say. Only a few days ago he’d been someone she’d grown very fond of, now she had no idea at all how to feel about him.
‘She could have rung him,’ John said, ‘but I don’t think he’ll come anyway.’
‘We’ll see,’ Lucy responded, ‘but I suspect she didn’t use the phone because she wanted to give us a chance to talk.’
As his eyes searched her face she could sense the oceans of kindness inside him and knew, instinctively, that had she been allowed to be his daughter all her life she’d love him now every bit as much as Sarah had loved Douglas – and as much as she used to love Brian. Did she still? With so much doubt and confusion smothering her feelings, it was impossible to know anything for certain. ‘My parents …’ She broke off awkwardly. ‘They’re back,’ she finished lamely.
‘Here?’ he asked in surprise.
‘No, they’re at the cottage on Exmoor.’
He nodded, as though that made more sense.
‘I’m going down there,’ she continued. ‘I think Michael will probably come with me, but if you want to see them … Obviously you have that right, I’d just rather … I know they don’t deserve … I can’t expect you to …’ She stopped as his hand went up.
‘I don’t know what you think they do or don’t deserve,’ he told her, ‘but I do know that you don’t deserve what you’re going through now. None of us do, but if I’ve learned anything in my life it’s that we have to play the hand we’ve been dealt, and we have to play it with as much integrity as we can. That’s not to say I can find it in my heart to forgive them, because I’m sure I never will. They’ve taken too much from me for that, and I’m only human, so I’m afraid I would like to see them pay for what they’ve done. However, Rose and I are aware that we have to consider the fact that you’ve had a relationship with them for most of your life, and it would be foolish of us to expect your attachment to them to be any less than it is.’
He paused as though expecting Lucy to speak, but there was nothing she could say in Brian and Daphne’s defence that he would have wanted to hear. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to defend them.
‘From my own brief experience of knowing them,’ he continued, ‘I don’t find it hard to believe that they are fundamentally decent people, but that doesn’t take away the harm that they did. In truth I’d like never to see or hear of them again, but obviously that can’t be possible, and perhaps Rose and I do need to meet them. I’ll talk it over with her, but for now, I can see that it’s important for you to see them first, so that you can ask all the questions you need to without feeling distracted or crowded by too many people with questions of their own.’
As Lucy struggled for something to say, he reached for her hand and held it gently between both of his. ‘I appreciate that we still have a long way to go before you can think of me as your father,’ he said, ‘but it’s who I am and who I’m proud to be.’
As her heart overflowed with emotion, there was nothing Lucy could do to stop herself breaking down.
‘Sssh, sssh, it’s all right,’ he soothed, pulling her into his arms. ‘We’ll work this out, I promise.’
‘I’m sorry,’ she sobbed, ‘it’s just that I honestly don’t know what to do … I mean of course I want to get to know you – and Pippa and Rose, even Becky if she’d allow it.’
‘Don’t you worry about her,’ he said confidently, as though he’d known Becky all her life, ‘she’s a pushover, she just doesn’t know it yet.’
Lucy found a smile. ‘I hope you’re right,’ she told him, feeling pleased for him that he was starting to forge a connection with his younger daughter. However, Becky was the least of her problems right now, and they both knew it.
On Wednesday morning Lucy was up at six, unable to sleep in any longer since she’d been awake half the night, tearing herself apart with how she was going to confront her parents when she saw them later in the day. Hanna, God bless her, having sensed what a difficult time she was having, had come to offer some words of wisdom in the night, though Lucy could barely remember them now. Something about keeping cool and remembering that Granny and Grandpa had made her who she was today, and given her the business and a lovely home, so she mustn’t be unkind to them. Not that Lucy had any intention of being unkind – she only wished, caught as she was between outrage and despair, she knew what she was intending.
Leaving Hanna still snoring softly on Joe’s side of the bed, she went to shower and dress before going downstairs to immerse herself in work until it was time for Hanna to get up. At least, with her head in some accounts, she might stop talking herself round in so many circles that she had no idea where one began or the other ended. Just thank goodness Hanna’s first day at her new school yesterday had gone as well as it had, because were she to be facing problems on that front too at the moment, she had no idea how she’d manage them.
‘Ben,’ she whispered into her phone as she crossed the courtyard to the office, ‘it’s me.’
‘Who’s me?’ he whispered back.
Laughing, she said, ‘Who do you think?’
‘Would it be Alexandra Mckenzie by any chance?’
Lucy came to a dead stop.
‘Mum, I reckon you’re doing a double take now, and it’s costing a fortune.’
‘How much has Hanna told you?’
&n
bsp; ‘Just look at her next phone bill.’
Still stunned, yet loving the fact that they were so close, Lucy said, ‘So what do you think?’
‘What do I think? Well, apart from knowing that I have the world’s best mum and nothing’s ever going to change that, the big question is, what do you think?’
She swallowed as she smiled. ‘What I think is that I have the world’s most disloyal children and I wouldn’t swap them for all the riches in Christendom.’
‘I’ll remind you of that next time you’re mad at us. Seriously though, are you OK?’
She looked around the courtyard. ‘I think so,’ she decided.
‘So what are you going to say to Granny and Grandpa today?’
With a shudder of nerves, she said, ‘I haven’t really worked that out yet, but actually, I’m hoping they’re going to do all the talking.’
‘Of course. Boy, have they got a lot of explaining to do. Is Dad going to be there?’
‘No. Didn’t Hanna tell you, he starts rehearsals today for EastEnders?’
‘Actually, she did. So you’re going on your own? I should be there.’
Wishing with all her heart that he was, she said, ‘Michael, the lawyer, is coming with me.’
‘OK. That’s good.’
‘What’s Hanna told you about everyone?’
‘As far as she’s concerned they’re all really cool, especially Pippa who’s apparently a female Johnny Depp. You might understand that better than I do.’
Choking on a laugh as she got the reference to Pirates of the Caribbean, Lucy said, ‘Probably, but we’ll wait till you meet Pippa so you can see for yourself. Where are you now? Please don’t tell me in the middle of a poppy field, or being held hostage by desperate guerrillas?’
‘How did you guess? The ransom’s going to be huge.’
‘Just tell me it’s not true.’
‘It’s not true. I’m actually in Josie’s parents’ villa in Bali, which is major to die for.’
‘Josie?’ she repeated. ‘Oh, you mean the Australian girl you met up with in …’
‘Cambodia. That’s her. Ali’s due to arrive tomorrow, then we’re going on to Oz, but not for another couple of weeks.’
Suddenly terrified that he might fall in love with an Aussie girl and never come back, she had to quickly remind herself that it wasn’t happening at this moment – or she presumed it wasn’t – so she must stay focused on the present. Except that was almost equally alarming. ‘Will you do me a favour?’ she said. ‘Text Granny and Grandpa that you love them. It’ll be important for them to know that, with all that’s going on.’
‘I’ll do it as soon as we ring off. But tell me this, do you actually want to be a part of this new family of yours?’
Realising she hadn’t even asked herself the question, Lucy had to think for a moment before she said, ‘I have to admit it’s feeling a bit overwhelming, but I guess I’ll get used to it. I just don’t want anyone to be hurt.’
‘That’s so you, but you’ll get through this, and you know, if you want me to come back, you just have to say the word.’
‘No, no, it’s fine,’ she assured him, though she wanted it more than anything. ‘It’s important for you to do this trip, and for me to carry on learning to let go. Just keep in touch and stay safe, that’s all I ask.’
‘You got it. Love you, Mum.’
‘Love you too,’ and as she heard the line go dead she was already crying as she prayed desperately that he wouldn’t really end up emigrating to Australia, because if there was one person in the world she could never live without, it was him.
And Hanna too, of course.
It was just after eight when she returned to the kitchen, to find Hanna looking so smart and fresh in her grey and lavender uniform that she’d have reached for the camera again, had she not used up the entire memory card taking the very same shots yesterday. She wondered if she should take them to show Daphne and Brian. They’d be thrilled to see how sophisticated Hanna looked, but with a terrible heaviness in her heart she couldn’t work out how on earth she could fit such a simple action into the complications that lay ahead.
How was she going to bear to cut them out of Ben and Hanna’s lives, never mind her own? She couldn’t do it, she just couldn’t, because without the family they’d created there would be nothing left for them.
‘I’m making porridge,’ Hanna told her. ‘Good for you?’
‘Great, thanks.’ Then, scowling as she turned Hanna’s face up to the light, ‘Are you allowed to wear all that make-up?’
‘Oh, Mum, this is nothing compared with everyone else, and it’s typical of you to make a fuss when …’
‘All right, all right,’ Lucy cut in, not wanting to get into an argument this morning, and letting her go she went to start laying the table. ‘I just spoke to Ben,’ she said, feeling another wave of dread coming over her as she tried to imagine the Australian girl.
‘Cool,’ Hanna retorted. ‘How is he?’
‘Enjoying Bali, by the sound of it – and apparently up to speed on everything that’s happening here.’
‘Ah, yes.’ Hanna cast her a sheepish look. ‘You had to know I was going to tell him.’
Lucy smiled. ‘I suppose so,’ she conceded. ‘I just hope you didn’t do it by text.’
‘Partly, and email, but the first one was a call if that helps.’
‘It does.’ She allowed a few moments to pass while taking some bowls from a cupboard, then, trying to sound casual, she said, ‘So do you think it’s serious with this Josie?’
Hanna merely shrugged. ‘Who knows? Can I have honey with mine instead of jam? Oh, this is my fave,’ she cried as a Lady Gaga number swooped out of the radio.
Putting a jar of Gales on the table, Lucy started to make some tea while Hanna managed to sing, dance and share out the porridge in some impressively seamless moves.
‘So, how are you feeling about today?’ Hanna remembered to ask when they were sitting down. ‘Are you nervous? I know I would be if I was you. What are you going to say to them?’
As Lucy’s butterflies juddered into flight she said, ‘I’m still thinking about it, but I don’t imagine I’ll be doing much of the talking.’
Hanna’s expression was all sympathy as she said, ‘No, I guess not. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I can’t help feeling sorry for them. I mean, I know what they did was terrible and everything, but they’re not like murderers or paedophiles or anything, are they? And like I said in the night … Oh, who’s that?’ she cried, grabbing her mobile as a text dropped in. As she read it Lucy watched the colour flow into her cheeks and guessed immediately who it was from.
‘Oh my God, Mum,’ Hanna murmured ecstatically, ‘it’s only Lucas asking what I’m doing after school.’ Her eyes were so bright and her smile so wide that Lucy could only wish that she was a teenager again.
‘Wouldn’t homework be the answer?’ she suggested, deadpan.
Hanna’s eyebrows went skywards. ‘Yeah, like I’m really going to say that,’ she retorted, and starting to tap in a reply she continued to glow until she suddenly put the phone down again. ‘I don’t want to look too eager,’ she explained, ‘so I’ll wait till I’m on my way to school to text back. So, what time are you going?’
Unable to eat any more, Lucy carried her bowl to the sink and rinsed it. ‘I’m meeting Michael at ten thirty,’ she said, ‘so we should be there around one.’
Hanna was starting to look worried. ‘You know, I reckon I should come with you,’ she said. ‘At least I’m family, and I’ll be able to stop you if you start going off on one.’
‘That’s not going to happen,’ Lucy assured her, even though she knew very well that it might, ‘and this is only your second day of school, so no way are you taking any time off. In fact, you need to start getting yourself up together or you’ll be late. Don’t forget, you’ve got gym today so I’ve put your sports bag at the bottom …’
‘… of the
stairs. Yeah, I saw it. Thanks,’ and after wolfing down the rest of her porridge she abandoned the bowl and thundered up to her bedroom to collect her blazer, books and laptop.
‘Text to let me know how it goes,’ she said, as she rushed back through the kitchen. ‘And don’t forget to send them my love.’ She came to a sudden stop at the door. ‘Do you think that’s the right thing to do?’ she said, clearly confused.
In spite of not really knowing the answer, Lucy nodded. ‘They’ve never done anything to hurt you,’ she reminded her, ‘so yes, I think it is.’
‘Cool,’ Hanna declared, and coming back to give Lucy a hug she added, ‘love to you too.’
Lucy’s mouth trembled as she smiled. ‘And to you,’ she whispered.
After Hanna had gone, leaving a bruising imprint of good luck on her mother’s cheek, Lucy watched her run along the drive. She felt baffled about how seriously – or not – Hanna was taking this. Then, reminding herself that instead of worrying she should be relieved that it wasn’t having a negative effect on Hanna’s first week at school, she began trying to psych herself up for what lay ahead.
Ten minutes later she was sitting at the table with her head in her hands, feeling utterly desperate as she pictured the police escorting her parents from their home, driving them into town and charging them with a crime normally associated with monsters, or the mentally deficient. It might be what they deserved, but she couldn’t even convince herself of that now. What would happen to them after they were charged, she wondered. Would they be released on bail, or left to moulder in prison cells? Surely to God they wouldn’t be locked up straight away? It wasn’t as though they were a threat to the community, and she didn’t see them as a flight risk either, or not one that would get very far. She even started to wonder if it might be possible for them not to be locked up at all, because they really didn’t belong with the likes of Rose West or Ian Huntley, or anyone who wilfully broke the law. They were totally unlike such criminals. They were honest and decent and they belonged together more than any other couple she’d ever known. It was the thought of them being separated, perhaps never to see one another again, that was breaking her heart in two.
