Collide Series Box Set

by J. C. Hannigan

  Jax didn’t usually swear; he didn’t usually call people names. His parents and his upbringing always seemed to bring out that anger in him. It didn’t alarm me in the slightest; I understood.

  “I don’t blame you, Jax,” I whispered, pulling him closer. “You tried to help her. It makes no sense to enable him. You were right to say what you said.”

  Jax sighed heavily, some of the tension rolling off of him at my approval and understanding of his action. His hands began to roam over my body, touching and teasing. “Let’s not talk about that anymore. It’s done,” he whispered, his fingers gliding beneath my shirt, against the skin on my ribs. “Besides…I have more important things on my mind.”

  “Dirty man,” I joked, playfully shoving my hands against his chest. I pushed off, looking up at him. The light and humor was back in his eyes, and I knew he was seeing only me. The realization that I could make his pain fade away just as he made mine fade away caused my heart to stutter in my chest.

  I smiled slowly, standing up on my toes so that my lips could brush against his. The kiss was soft and slow at first, and then it increased in tempo and pressure when his hands cupped my rear. He squeezed, pulling me up against his growing erection.

  Heat flooded through me, and I rubbed against him, the pressure feeling just right. He picked me up so I was propped against the island. He ravaged my lips, kissing and nipping, our tongues dancing frantically, his hands exploring and touching and teasing.

  “Jax,” I said breathlessly, my head falling back as he moved on to that delectable spot on the side of my throat. My fingers gripped hard against him, my weak attempt at bringing myself back to the present. “We can’t do that here,” I whispered as his fingers went for the waistline of my yoga pants. I’d dressed for comfort tonight, knowing that my clothes likely wouldn’t stay on very long anyway.

  “Oh, but we could…” Jax’s eyes set me on fire. He grinned playfully, nipping at my lip.

  I had never had sex in risky places before. I typically kept the fornication to beds and couches. The idea of feeling Jax moving within me right then and there had me squirming, searching for a release…but my sensible side won. “Jenna could come out,” I reminded him.

  “This is why I can’t wait for March 1st. In less than a week, I’ll have my own place and I will definitely take you against any surface in that apartment, over and over again.” Jax pressed his hard length against my stomach, accenting his promise with a mischievous grin.

  I awoke to the feeling of Jax’s beard rubbing against my cheek as he nuzzled me. “Wake up, babe. I need to go.”

  “Why?” I grumbled, my voice groggy with sleep. I rolled into him, snuggling closer against his warm chest.

  “I have class.” He chuckled. “So do you,” he reminded me.

  I frowned without opening my eyes. “I’d much rather stay in bed with you.”

  “I’d much rather that too,” Jax promised, his hands venturing along the side of my naked body. “But if we did that, we’d both fall behind and possibly fail.”

  “Failing sounds like a nice tradeoff.” I sighed, finally opening my eyes to look at him.

  Jax smiled, the warmth radiating from him. He exuded warmth like a beacon. His hair looked like a lion’s mane, dark and tousled from our night of intense love making. I was sure my hair was just as tangled. I’d wanted to provide a distraction for Jax almost as much as I needed a distraction, and it had been the perfect way to escape. He seemed more centered this morning, the tormented man gone.

  He leaned in to kiss me, his lips softly exploring mine. Each and every time he kissed me like that, I felt the world disappear around us. “I really need to go. I’ll see you later though? Tonight?”

  “Yeah,” I told him, blinking sleepily. “I still have a lot of time before class so I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit longer.”

  “I love you, Harlow,” Jax said deeply, inflicting heavy meaning behind his words. I opened my eyes again to look at him. It never ceased to amaze me just how much of an impact his words had. When I spoke, I was certain I just sounded as if I was repeating words. Jax spoke with emotion, with meaning and intent.

  “I love you too,” I managed, smiling. I could only hope that Jax knew the meaning behind my words, even if I wasn’t very good at conveying emotion like he was.

  “Get some more sleep, beautiful. You had quite the workout last night,” he added with a smirk.

  “Hah,” I replied dryly, trying not to smile. I felt Jax leave the bed, taking the warmth with him. I could hear him moving around, dressing. He came over to my bed to kiss me deeply once more before he left.

  My bed felt colder without him in it, despite zero change in the actual temperature of the room. I pulled the blankets around me, attempting to make a cocoon of sorts. It didn’t work; I just couldn’t fall back asleep.

  Thirty minutes later, I gave up and decided to have a shower. There was no point in attempting to draw out sleep when sleep refused to visit unless I was tucked safely in Jax’s arms.

  Once I’d gotten ready for the day, Jenna knocked on my door. “Are you ready? I really need a tea and we are completely out. Don’t give me that look,” she added, seeing the way my nose curled at her suggestion. “Iain won’t be there until this afternoon. You know that.”

  “Fine,” I grumbled, only because she was right. The signing wasn’t supposed to start until just after lunch—plenty of time to snag some caffeinated fuel before morning classes began. I finished with my makeup and joined Jenna at the door. She already had her boots on, and her jacket. She was texting on her phone, distractedly smiling. “Who are you texting?” I asked, sliding my feet into my favourite pair of shit-kicker boots. I still couldn’t believe the damn boots had lasted as long as they did. I’d had them repaired a handful of times, but they still got the job done. I was reluctant to let them go.

  I never used to think of myself as the sentimental type, but putting on the leather jacket that had belonged to my father, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I was. I couldn’t seem to let go of the past, as much as I pretended I could. The damn boots and the jacket were proof of that. The lingering feelings I had for Iain…the inability to see him or trust myself around him despite my strong, undeniable feelings for Jax…that was also proof.

  “No one,” she muttered, quickly shoving her phone into her pocket.

  I arched a brow and zipped my jacket up, giving her a disbelieving look. “I don’t know why you bother lying about it. I know you talk to Kyle.”

  “I don’t know.” Jenna shuffled on her feet and adjusted her bag strap across her shoulders. She looked everywhere but directly at me. “I guess I just feel like you don’t approve.”

  “It’s not that I don’t approve.” I frowned, stepping around her to open our door. We left the apartment and I locked up before turning to face her. “I’m just worried about you. You know that.”

  “And I’m worried about you,” Jenna fired back. “But we are both going to do what we’re going to do, right?”

  “Right…” I sighed. Jenna had a point, as much as I hated to admit it. I chewed over her words, digesting them. I suppose it was true: we each worried about the other, but that wouldn’t prevent us from continuing on the same way we were. Between my blatant refusal to see Dr. Philips and Jenna’s attempts at escapism with Kyle, neither one of us were in any position to tell the other what to do.

  We were both broken, both desperately trying to pick up the pieces and move on in the only way we knew how.

  “Besides,” Jenna continued, sparing me a quick look, “for the most part, I am happy. I know you are too…we’ll probably always have to deal with triggers.”

  I huffed in response; Jenna was right. Triggers would always be there, our reactions to them could change slightly, but probably not by much. We both needed to learn how to move forward regardless. We both had to try—just as Jenna had said last night.

  I watched as Jenna pushed the door to The Bean open and
walked inside. “I guess,” I grumbled, dropping my eyes to the floor. I walked right into Jenna’s back, not realizing that she’d come to a sudden stop.

  She was frozen, standing just inside the door and staring straight ahead. I peered around her, wondering what the holdup was. I figured that the lineup was just nearly out the door, which wasn’t completely atypical for a Tuesday morning.

  But no, there wasn’t a lineup of people preventing us from moving forward. In fact, there wasn’t anybody in the lineup at all, except for a few people at the counter.

  My heart clenched in my chest painfully. I’d know that dirty blonde hair, carelessly mussed anywhere. I’d run my hands through it countless times. But Jenna wasn’t staring at Iain Bentley. Jenna was staring at the little girl in his arms. Jamie was behind the counter, playfully tickling the little girl’s feet. She had blonde pigtails, a cheeky, dimpled smile, and Jenna’s cornflower blue eyes.

  I knew that Jenna hadn’t opened up any of the updates from the adoption agency, I knew that she’d never looked at a photograph of the baby girl she’d given up for adoption, but it was impossible to deny who the little girl was. She looked identical to Jenna. The dimples in her cheeks, the eyes, the way she wrinkled her little nose in concentration—all of those were traits of Jenna’s. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out, and I knew from the strangled choking sound that came from Jenna that she knew.

  I put my hand on Jenna’s arm and opened my mouth, about to say something. She spun to look at me, confusion and pain in her eyes. Seeing the unsurprised look in mine, something in her broke. Tears welled up in her eyes as she pushed past me, barreling out the door. I turned and followed her, my blood frozen in my veins. She stormed off in the direction of the university.

  “Jenna, wait!” I called out. She was several paces ahead of me, her shoulders hunched forward.

  She paused, whirling on me. “Who is that little girl with Iain and Jamie, and why do I feel like I already know the answer? You didn’t act surprised at all back there,” she accused, her voice trembling.

  I came to a stop in front of her. “Jenna…I didn’t know, at first. When you chose Sarah…I didn’t know who she was.”

  “And who is she?” Jenna whispered, tears streaming down her face.

  “Iain’s sister. Jamie’s too, apparently.” I sighed. “I wanted to tell you, but even getting the letter updates upset you. You can’t look at babies without it hurting you…I didn’t want to bring it up or add to that pain.” I raised my hands as I spoke, hoping to convey apology in a way that words simply wouldn’t. It didn’t feel like enough, and gauging by the look on her face, it wasn’t. My hands dropped uselessly to my sides.

  Jenna’s eyes flashed with anger. “So you kept this from me. Don’t you think it was something I needed to know? Regardless of how hard it would be to hear?”

  “I’m sorry, Jenna.” And I was. I didn’t want Jenna to find out like this. I knew I needed to tell her, and I had every intention of doing it that week. But I should have told her sooner, and I regretted holding off.

  “Were you ever going to tell me?” Jenna asked, tears brimming in her eyes.

  “Yes,” I said forcefully. “I was going to tell you. I just –“

  “I can’t deal with this right now,” Jenna decided, brushing away the tears. “I need to go. I need to be alone.” She gave me another wounded look before taking off back down the street, back towards our apartment.

  My stomach was twisted with nerves. It felt impossibly empty, and not just because I hadn’t eaten yet today. I didn’t want to follow Jenna back to our apartment when I knew that I was the last person she wanted to see, but I also didn’t want her to be alone. I pulled out my cell phone, sending Crimson a quick text message, asking her if she could go to my apartment and check up on her.

  “I thought I saw you.”

  I froze, slowly sliding my phone back into my coat pocket. My throat suddenly felt impossibly dry. I turned my body towards the sound of his voice. Iain Bentley stood a good meter away from me, his hands in his jacket pockets. His hair was carelessly messy, his ocean blue eyes vibrant and alive as he looked at me. “Now really isn’t a good time.”

  “It never is.” He nodded, his eyes never leaving my face. He gave me a small, sad smile. His words had a deeper meaning behind them, and I knew he wasn’t just referring to my refusal to talk to him. He cleared his throat. “I saw Jenna too…she looked upset.”

  “No shit, Sherlock.” I folded my arms protectively across my chest, my heart thudding loudly. My body was buzzing with the adrenaline from chasing Jenna and having her lash out at me. The knowledge that this secret I’d kept from my friend to protect her would likely severely damage our friendship, weighed heavily on my mind. Iain was the last person I wanted to see in that moment and I knew he knew it. “She didn’t know that you were dear old Uncle Iain. Can’t say she’s happy about it.”

  “Ah.” Iain nodded, pursing his lips.

  The way that he easily accepted my anger just made me even more enraged. I hated that he acted like he deserved it, like he’d shoulder it just to make me feel better. It infuriated me because I knew he would. He would take anything I threw at him.

  “She probably thinks the same thing I think: that you arranged this purposely so your sister could adopt the baby. How convenient of me to appear on your doorstep with the proverbial solution for your sister’s struggles and woes.”

  “You couldn’t possibly believe that, Harlow.” Iain was flabbergasted by my outburst. He took a step towards me, his eyes filling with desperation as he willed me to listen to him, to understand.

  Okay, so maybe not anything I throw at him, I thought. He was getting too close to me; there was barely a foot left between us. Iain’s eyes were alight with a burning intensity that made me stumble backwards.

  “That is not what happened, Harlow…and you know it. I fell for you; it had nothing to do with Jenna’s circumstances. I didn’t even know my sister was the one she’d chosen to adopt her baby until closer to the birth. Then what was I supposed to do, Harlow? Tell my sister ‘oh, I know you’ve been waiting years to start a family and you’ve finally found a child to adopt, but you can’t have that one because I’m romantically involved with the baby’s mother’s best friend’?”

  “You could have warned me! I could have told Jenna so that she could make an informed decision! I doubt she feels confident with her choice now, considering she thinks of you as a predator!” I shouted. I didn’t care that we weren’t completely alone, that there were several people walking the streets and driving by. I was angry, I was hurt and I was out for blood.

  Iain winced at my angry words as they hit their mark. I watched the colour fade from his face, and felt the sinking sensation of guilt in the pit of my stomach. Iain turned around and started to walk away.

  I rushed forward, grabbing his arm and forcing him to turn back. “Iain, I didn’t mean…you’re not a predator. I don’t see you that way,” I hurriedly said, my eyes full of apology. I was angry, but I hadn’t meant those words. Not like that. He had to know that.

  Iain’s eyes dropped down to my hand still on his arm. He slowly brought them back up to my face, the saddest, most hollow look in his eyes. It was as if I’d sucked the hope, the light and the life right out of him. “What I did was wrong, I know that. It didn’t matter how strongly I felt for you, I should have fought it. I should have never given you any signs. I should have turned you away when you came to me, but I didn’t. I’m to blame for that. Maybe that does make me a predator, a monster.”

  “No.” I venomously shook my head. “You are a good man, Iain. You didn’t take advantage of me. I knew what I was getting myself into.”

  “Did you, Harlow?” Iain asked, his eyes pinning me. My hand was still on his arm; I couldn’t move it. “Did you know what you were getting yourself into? Did you understand the gravity of what we were doing?” As Iain spoke, he stepped toward me, backing me against the wall.
My hand dropped from his arm and my palms pressed against the cold brick of the building he had cornered me against. His hands went up on either side of my head. I could feel his warm breath against my lips. “Because I did. I knew, and I didn’t care. You were worth the risk then, and you’re worth the risk now.”

  He was looking at me in the same coveted way he’d always looked at me. I clenched my fingers into my palm, my nails digging into the skin. “Iain…I’m with someone. I—I’m in love with him.”

  My shaky words stirred Iain back to the present. He pushed off the wall and away from me, giving me the distance I both craved and—deep down inside—resented. “It doesn’t matter.” Iain shook his head, his jaw clenching with aggravation. “At the end of the day, we shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry for hurting you, for breaking your heart. I’m glad that you’ve moved on, Harlow. You should. You deserve to be happy.”

  I said nothing, watching as he turned away from me and walked back towards the café.

  * * *

  Focusing was impossible. I sat through each of my classes with a numb mind. I longed to retreat back to the apartment and check on Jenna, but Crimson had gone by before her shift and she’d texted me to tell me that Jenna just needed space.

  Usually when I wanted to skip class but didn’t want to go home, I headed to The Bean for a coffee. I couldn’t do that, not with Iain’s book signing happening…not after our exchange that morning.

  So, I sat through each of my classes and when the final class of the day was over, I headed to the only other place I could think of: the gym.

  I changed into my workout clothes and pulled my hair back into a high pony tail before hitting the floor. I did resistance training, listening to my music, repeating the motions and working my muscles without giving any of it any thought at all.

  Usually, I could lose myself in this distraction. I could focus on the straining of each muscle group and the effort it took tended to occupy my thoughts.