Not today. Today, I was robotic, going through the motions but unable to truly focus. I kept thinking about Jenna’s face when she learned the truth; the hurt and the betrayal. I kept thinking about Iain’s hands on either side of my head, my body pressed against the cold stone, his breath warm against my lips while he told me I was worth the risk then and now. I thought about the way my heart had stuttered and clenched, the way my body remembered what it felt like to be with him.
And I thought of Jax, too. How that very morning, we’d lain together in my bed and I felt like nothing could beat that feeling of being with him.
I exhaled, my brow furrowing. Nothing could beat the feeling of being with Jax. Nothing could diminish how hard I’d fallen for him.
And yet…that part of me that felt for Iain—that part of me that I had convinced myself no longer existed—still lived on. I closed my eyes, trying to steady my breathing. I didn’t want to act on those lingering feelings; I didn’t want to be with Iain again. I wanted Jax, I wanted to be with him. I was with him and I was happy.
So why was I giving Iain any thought?
Jax. I picked my phone back up, scrolling to the messages and quickly typed one out, asking him to meet me somewhere, anywhere. I needed to feel his arms on me; I needed his lips to erase it all. I needed to fall into him.
He replied almost instantly, asking me where I was. I told him and he responded with meet you out front in fifteen.
I hurried to the locker room to grab a quick shower and change. Jax was just pulling up as I walked outside. I opened the door to his truck and climbed inside, not giving him any time at all to even greet me before I scooted closer. I put my arms around his neck and pressed my lips against his.
Jax smiled against my mouth before kissing me back, his tongue edging my lips, seeking entrance. I gave it to him, kissing him with everything I had until everything else melted away, leaving just the two of us alone in his truck. Our breathing became heavier, weighted with desire. His arousal was evident beneath my hand.
The sound of someone impatiently honking startled us both. Jax had parked out front of the gym, on the road, and was apparently blocking traffic. He rolled down the window and waved at the driver, motioning for him to just go around. He looked at me again as he rolled his window back up, assessing my flushed cheeks and wide eyes.
“Harlow,” Jax said, his voice gravelly with want. “Not that I’m complaining…but what’s going on?”
“I just need you,” I told him. “Please?”
“Well we can’t do it here.” Jax grinned with amusement, his eyes heating at the suggestion. He started to drive towards my apartment.
“No, not there,” I hurried to tell him. “Could we go back to your…place?”
Jax sent me a surprised look. I hadn’t been to his room since the whole Andrew thing went down. “Why?”
“Jenna’s mad at me. I don’t want to talk about it right now, but we will later. I just need…” I was unable to finish my line of thought.
Jax’s hand reached across the seat to gently rest on my upper thigh. His fingers dug into the denim of my jeans just enough for me to feel the pressure. “Okay,” he said simply.
He drove to his place, his brows slightly furrowed as if he was concentrating hard on something. He parked out front and we both got out of the truck. Jax’s hand reached for mine as we walked up the front steps.
My heart was thudding loudly in my chest. I pushed away the panic, telling myself that Andrew no longer lived there. He was gone, incarcerated, without any possible chance of posting bail. Jax’s hand squeezed gently, and he looked at me with concern. “I’m fine,” I told him, tugging him up the stairs towards his room. I avoided looking at the door that used to be Andrew’s as Jax produced a key for his.
His room had changed since the last time I’d been in it. The posters of MMA fighters and trophies and other personal items were gone, and boxes lined his desk. Jax was prepared to move already, even though he still had two weeks left here.
I exhaled and turned to face him. Jax kept his eyes on me the whole time as he closed his door and locked it. Time seemed to move in slow motion as I stepped towards him, taking my jacket off as I went. He copied me, tilting his head with concentrated precision. He swallowed hard, his eyes searching mine. I knew he could read that there was more going on with me than just an insatiable need to have him in me, although that was definitely there too.
Our lips crashed together, our hands tangling in clothes in a desperate attempt to shed them. My shirt came off over my head, and Jax’s followed. His fingers brushed against the taunt muscles of my abdomen as he unbuttoned my jeans. I shimmied out of them while Jax took his own jeans off. Soon, we were just in our underwear, our lips meeting and crashing again. His large hands came up to tangle in my hair, gently tugging my head back so he could deepen the kiss. His lips moved from mine to my neck. A moan escaped my lips, and I felt him smile against my skin as he walked me backwards to the bed.
* * *
For the first time since Jax had left me that morning, I felt at peace. I lay in his arms, the blankets pulled around our naked bodies, and felt the tension rolling away from me, replaced by the after-high that sex with Jax provided.
My left leg was hooked across Jax’s body. His fingers played with my hair, twirling it around while his other hand rested against my upper thigh. I almost felt as if I would start purring.
“So, do you feel like telling me what’s going on?” Jax finally questioned, lifting his head to better look into my eyes.
“I wanted you,” I answered honestly, meeting his gaze. “I had a shitty day, and I needed to be with you.”
“Why did you have a shitty day?” Jax asked, arching a brow. He smiled though, as if my answer had pleased him.
I sighed, my lips falling into a rigid line. “Jenna found out. About the baby being adopted by…Iain’s sister,” I struggled to say Iain’s name. It felt wrong to say while lying in bed with Jax. I watched his eyes harden slightly, just as I knew they would at the mention of my ex-boyfriend.
“You told her?”
“No.” I bit my lip, looking down at Jax’s. I couldn’t take the look in his eyes right now. “We went to get coffee this morning, and…he was there. But he had…her.” I shook my head, aggravated at my inability to just say it.
Jax exhaled loudly. “So, she guessed.”
“The little girl looks identical to Jenna. I’ve seen pictures of Jenna when she was that age—it’s undeniable. Jenna’s very…mad at me.”
Jax said nothing, his hands still stroking and touching me. We both knew that Jenna had every right to be angry, but the whole situation was so fucked up. Was there even a right way to have handled things? I didn’t know. Telling Jenna as soon as I found out might have damaged our friendship sooner, and she might have changed her mind about the Fetchers adopting the baby—Jayden. Then what?
“That’s not all…” I sighed again. “I guess Iain saw Jenna fleeing, and me going after her. He came outside.”
Jax’s hands stilled and his body tensed. “Oh?”
I lifted my head up, staring at Jax solemnly. He had every right to be upset about Iain being around me, especially after the kiss, but it still pissed me off. Maybe because I didn’t trust myself either. “I didn’t kiss him or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“What happened then?” I could see apprehension, fear and pain behind Jax’s gentle eyes. He was waiting for me to drop another bomb on him. My heart squeezed painfully in my chest.
“I…accused him of things,” I said, willing myself not to cry. “I accused him of…using me to get his sister a baby. I called him a predator.”
Jax’s eyes widened with surprise and he appeared torn between smiling and frowning. He wisely chose to frown. “What did he say?”
“He got upset, and he agreed with me. I tried to rephrase it…I didn’t mean to call him a predator. I knew what I was getting myself into, but…” I shrugg
ed helplessly.
“Why do I feel like there are things you aren’t telling me?” Jax’s frown deepened, the hurt apparent on his face.
“Because there are.” I closed my eyes for a moment before I looked at him. “He backed me up against the wall. He asked me if I had really known what I was getting myself into, if I had really known the gravity of it. Then he told me I was worth the risk, then and now.” Anger flashed in Jax’s eyes, and I put my hand on his chest to keep him down. “He didn’t touch me, Jax, and I didn’t touch him. I told him I was with you, that I loved you.”
“What did he say then?” I could tell that Jax was fighting hard to control his reaction, to remain calm and level headed.
“He basically said that none of the things he said mattered and that he was happy I’d found someone and that I was happy, and then he walked away. That’s…everything.”
“Is it?” Jax questioned, his eyes searching mine.
I looked at him and smiled. “Jax, I’m in love with you. I chose you, over and over again. Even if there is a tiny part of myself that still has the slightest, lingering feeling for him, it’s nowhere near to what I feel for you…” I trailed off, my smile fading slightly as the realization dawned on me. “I think that because he was the first person I connected with like that, I’ll always feel a little something for him, but it is nothing compared to what I feel for you. You consume me in the best way possible. You bring me back to life, you make me want to live and feel. You center me, you ground me, and you help me fly. You’re everything I never knew I wanted and more. The thought of losing you scares me more than anything I’ve ever been through. More than a hunting knife on my neck, more than a truck running me down, more than—” I stopped myself and looked at him again. His eyes were full of warmth and love, the most perfect smile on his lips.
His hand came up to frame my face. “You mean everything to me Harlow,” he told me. “I love you in all those ways and more. I fell for you the moment I saw you walk into that lecture hall late. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you in my arms; I want to come home to you. I want you, in every possible way.”
I smiled, the tears I’d struggled to hold back finally spilling over. I lowered my lips to Jax’s, kissing him despite the salty tears. He kissed me back slowly, as if savoring the taste of me.
“I can’t wait until March,” he added, grinning mischievously.
“Me either,” I said, smiling wider. “I can’t wait to wake up next to you…” My smile faded as I thought about Jenna. “But first, I need to fix things with Jenna.”
“I understand,” Jax told me sincerely. “And I’m here for you, Harlow. If you need to talk about any of it—even…” He took a deep breath. “Just know that I’m here for you, and I will do anything in my power to keep you safe and happy.”
“The same goes for you,” I said, nudging him with my knee. “I’m here for you too, Jax. If you want to talk about your mom and stuff.”
Jax’s expression darkened for a moment before he smiled and kissed me on the nose. “I know.”
Jax drove me home later that night. As much as I wanted him to spend the night with me, we both decided it would be better if I went alone.
I opened the apartment door to find the living room lamp still on. Two empty bottles of wine sat on the coffee table in front of Jenna, along with the shoe box that she’d put each and every update letter from the adoption agency in.
Despite the empty bottles, Jenna looked alert and awake. She glanced up at me as I locked the door behind me. Her eyes welled with tears and she drew in a shaky breath. A letter lay open across her lap and she clenched what appeared to be a photograph in her right hand. Her left hand held a half-full glass of wine.
“You opened them?” I asked, referring to the letters. I cautiously took off my jacket and dropped my bag, waiting for her to reply.
Her eyes dropped back down to the photo in her hand. “Yeah, I did.”
I crossed over to the couch, and she shuffled over to make room for me. We were silent for several minutes. I was wracking my brain searching for something to say; I could only guess where Jenna’s thoughts were.
“Look, Jenna,” I said at the same time she said, “Harlow, I –“
We both paused, waiting for the other to speak. “You go first,” I told her, motioning with my hand. I felt weak, hollowed out. I knew that whatever Jenna said would determine the course of our friendship.
“I’ve thought a lot about what you did today.” Jenna sniffled, using the back of her hand to wipe away the moisture from her cheeks. “I’m still angry at you, Harlow. I don’t know how long I’m going to be angry at you. But I understand why you didn’t…why you couldn’t tell me. I get that. I just…” Her shoulders went up in a half-assed shrug, as if she didn’t have the energy to complete the motion. She didn’t look at me; she chose to keep her eyes on the letter on her lap. I didn’t know if she was reading it again, or if she was even seeing the words.
“I understand that you’re angry, and I expect you will be for some time,” I said, the words scratching my raw throat. “I never meant to hurt you, Jenna. You have to know that.”
“I do.” Jenna finally looked at me with wide, glassy eyes. “I do know that. I know that you not telling me came from a good place.”
“It did,” I agreed. “I just—” I paused, sighing deeply as I picked at my nails. “I didn’t want you to rethink your decision. Regardless of what happened between Iain and me, regardless of his relationship with the birth mother you chose…when I saw Sarah holding the baby in the hospital, I just knew she was destined for this, you know?”
Fresh tears spilled from Jenna’s eyes, and she nodded. “I know,” she whispered. “I felt the same way. Sarah was—is—right for this. For Jayden.” It looked as though it caused her agony to speak her daughter’s adoptive name.
I glanced down at the photo in Jenna’s hand, seeing the chubby-cheeked girl from the café that Iain had been holding. “She’s happy, Jenna. She is loved.”
Jenna nodded again, heaving a heavy sigh of her own. “I know. I know I made the right choice. It still hurts, it’ll always hurt…and no offense, Harlow, but I can’t help but wonder if this was planned. Not by you, you would never—” she uttered, closing her eyes.
“I’ve wondered that too,” I whispered, my eyes dry and itching. I had no tears left. “I said as much today when he…when he came out after us.”
“Iain came out after us?” Jenna frowned as she looked at me.
“Yeah.” I sighed. I really didn’t want to go into this whole thing for the second time today, but I needed to fill Jenna in a little bit. “I accused him of setting it up and he assured me he didn’t. He said he couldn’t tell Sarah that she couldn’t adopt the baby because he was…involved with me.”
“I still don’t get why he didn’t tell you.” Jenna’s voice was angry again.
“I don’t either,” I whispered. I hesitated before asking the question I needed to ask. “Does this change anything? For the baby…for Jayden?”
“What can I do?” Jenna demanded, her eyes flashing. “Ask for the baby back? I can’t be a mother. Not to her…not…” she said, the hurt apparent in her tone and the way her shoulders hung. “Besides, the adoption is final. I’ve read through all the updates a billion times and she’s happy. I just worry about Iain.”
“Don’t,” I assured her. “Iain’s not a monster or a predator.” It hurt to say that word—the same word I’d tossed so carelessly at him. “It was…”
“A once in a lifetime thing?” Jenna snorted. “How do we know that? How do we know that as soon as she gets a little older, he won’t do what he did to you?”
“Because I asked for it,” I said sharply. “Because I pursued him. I showed up at his door.”
“He didn’t say no,” Jenna retorted, her eyes narrowing. She set the glass down harder than intended, and the wine sloshed over the rim and onto the coffee table. Neithe
r one of us acknowledged the spill.
“It’s a different circumstance,” I told her. “Besides, Jenna…we can’t control things like that. Who’s to say that if you demanded they place her in another home, she could end up in a family where there was a predator? Who’s to say that she wouldn’t be stuck in foster care forever? How do you know? I know in my heart that the Fetchers would never let anything happen to Jayden.”
Jenna watched me for a moment, considering my argument. Another tear escaped, but she made no move to wipe it. “You’re right,” she finally said, dropping her gaze to her lap. “I wouldn’t know. I’d never know. Look at what happened to us.”
“I honestly feel as if the Fetchers will give Jayden all of the skills she needs to survive in this world, don’t you?” I asked, thinking back to the first time I saw Sarah hold Jayden.
Jenna nodded, taking a deep, shaky breath. “Yes,” she exhaled.
“You can be mad at me, Jenna, I understand that. But know that I love you, and I wanted and still want what’s best for you. Know that even if you’re mad at me, even if you can’t stand the sight of me, I will always be here for you.”
Jenna started sobbing hysterically and I did the only thing I could think of doing: I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and cried with her.
* * *
The last thing that I wanted to do was go in for my shift the next day. I didn’t want to see Iain; I didn’t want to revisit the past again. But I’d given Jamie my word, and I couldn’t bail on him. Besides, I knew I couldn’t hide from Iain forever. I’d made my choice, and that choice was Jax. I had no doubt about his love for me, or my love for him. It was pure, it was real, and it was now—in the present.
I told myself all that before I walked into The Bean. On the left side of the café, the comfortable chairs had been cleared away. A table with a clean white linen sheet was set up, along with a stack of books. There was a banner to the left of the table that said Iain Bentley: Circumstance, along with the cover of the book. It was my first time actually seeing Iain’s book. I wanted to go up to the table, pick up the book and maybe read it, but that was counterproductive to my plan to avoid visiting the past. I wasn’t ready to read it. I wasn’t even ready to gaze upon the cover.
Collide Series Box Set Page 62
