The Proposal

by R. R. Banks

  "Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on your philosophical leanings, they are good at what they do. They can frustrate the living hell out of me when they get together in the lounge, but their job performance is impeccable. If they were to spread any serious gossip about one of their coworkers or caused any problems with morale, I would have to do something about it. If it's just about me, I can ignore it. Trying to come up with stories about how I live amuses them, so until it starts to impact their work, or they go to the extreme with it, I can ignore it."

  "So, you don't sleep with anonymous women when you go to the gala?"

  "Now, I didn't say that. If we are being honest, that party is usually a chance for me to pick someone up. But not this year."

  "Really?"

  "Really."

  I let out a long breath. I thought about my last engagement and how spectacularly that had gone up in flames, then about this baby that I already loved so much. Then I thought about my mother and how much better she was doing. She was really thriving in the new house with all the care that was available to her. Having access to the best medical equipment and treatment was giving her so much more of a chance to fight and having a nurse with her all the time was improving her quality of life to a level I hadn't seen in years. I always wished there was more I could do for her, but I couldn’t be her full-time caregiver and support both of us. Now I saw just how much she benefitted from the continuous care and I knew she still needed it and would in the future. Then I thought about Brent and his promise to always take care of my mother and me. He hadn't been able to do it, but that didn't mean I couldn't. I had committed myself to doing anything I needed to do, and this was just another step in fulfilling that promise.

  "I'm in," I said.

  I didn't want to say yes. That was a word I wanted to reserve just in case I ever had the opportunity to say it again.

  "Thank you," Gabriel said, gathering me into a hug.

  The smell of him was as intoxicating as ever and I wished I could stay there in his arms for the rest of the day.

  "We can just go to City Hall," I said when the hug ended.

  "City Hall?"

  "To get married," I said. "We can do that, and it'll be done fast and easily, and we won't have to bother anybody about it. My mom won’t even have to know."

  Gabriel shook his head. "No, that won't work. That would never convince my father it was a real marriage. No, we need to have a real wedding. He's already started to contact people in the industry. We need to start planning as soon as possible. We can't wait for too long for obvious reasons."

  "So… what do we do first?"

  Just as fast as Gabriel had moved my mother and I out of our houses and into our new home after finding out that I was pregnant, I suddenly found myself right in the thick of lavish wedding planning. It seemed that every minute during the day brought another decision I needed to make or a call from Monroe Reed telling us about the next over-the-top detail he had put into place for the ceremony or reception. I knew that both men were rushing the planning of the wedding to accommodate my pregnancy and growing baby bump, but I still felt like we were on a runaway train, barreling dangerously fast down the track. I felt like I was constantly surrounded by wedding dress samples, photos of potential floral arrangements, cake tastings, and everything else wedding. It was exhausting. I told Jess about the engagement the day after agreeing to marry Gabriel but stopped short at telling her it part of another arrangement. I remembered what she had said about me lying to her before, but this time I felt like I really was doing something right for her. I knew there was a very good chance that she would be judgmental and scrutinizing if I gave her the true story, but beyond that, this was very much for her. She loved weddings and jumped at the chance to be involved in them. I didn't know if I would ever get legitimately engaged again, so this was her opportunity to have fun planning. She also got to fulfill the role of maid of honor that had been stolen from her during the whole Anthony debacle. At least Smyth wasn’t in the picture this time.

  Jess was beyond thrilled when I carefully pieced together the announcement that not only had Gabriel not slept with three women on his visit to the museum Gala, but we were getting married. Her eyes immediately filled with stars and I quickly lost her to the fervor of planning. She was just as wrapped up in all the details as the professionals we hired to put everything in place for us. Watching her run around and taking care of everything on her to-do list left me feeling dizzy and exhausted, and it was clearer than ever why most people took nine months or longer to plan their wedding. Trying to shove all the planning and organizing it required into just a few weeks seemed impossible.

  Fortunately, there were occasional times when I found the chance to just sit in the quiet and breathe. Gabriel often joined me on those evenings. It was fun in a weird way. It felt like we were escaping our responsibilities by hiding ourselves away so that we didn't have to decide which of the ridiculously large, over-the-top floral arrangements was just too ridiculous for us, or whether we wanted sweet pea pink, Halcyon pink, or tiny kitten nose pink napkins. We were getting closer again and my feelings for him were even stronger than before. It was one of those nights when I was just trying to breathe that I saw Gabriel in a way that I never had before.

  He came over after a particularly heated debate with people far more invested in the wedding than we were, over whether fondant was the appropriate icing for a wedding or if the couple should try something more interesting. After listening to them argue over the flavor of the cake versus the presentation of the cake, and the all-important plan to keep the top layer in our freezer until our first anniversary, both of us were completely exhausted. We curled up on the couch with the intention of watching a movie, but I barely remember anything beyond the opening credits. I had fallen deeply asleep, but I was startled awake by Gabriel's voice calling out.

  "No! No! Don’t take him!"

  I was disoriented and for a moment, could not figure out where I was or what the heck was going on. Then I realized Gabriel and I had fallen asleep while curled up on the couch together, but it seemed like he was being tormented by a nightmare. I grabbed his shoulder and gave him a firm shake to bring him out of the dream. As soon as his eyes snapped open, he lowered himself to the floor, dropping his head into his hands. I scooted over so I could sit directly beside him and tightly wrapped my arms around him. I often thought of waking up beside Gabriel. Thoughts about the possibilities of the future had begun to dance at the edges of my mind when I looked at him lately. Seeing him in such obvious devastation had taken any possible excitement out of waking up with him curled around me.

  "What happened?" I asked. "What were you dreaming about? "

  He shook his head.

  "I'm fine," he said. "I don't want to talk about it."

  "Gabriel, what's going on?"

  "I should have stopped him," he said. "I should have stopped him and kept him safe."

  "Who? Who should you have kept safe? Safe from what?"

  Gabriel finally lifted his head and looked at me with hollow eyes.

  "Brent," I said. "It's my fault that he's dead."

  "What do you mean it's your fault?"

  "I should have stopped him from leaving. That party was at my house and I knew he must have had a couple of drinks. I should have kept his keys. I shouldn't have let him leave."

  "I know you took his keys from him," I said. "You hid them in your bedroom. You told him you didn't want him to drive. You begged him not to go. Plenty of people heard you. You did everything you could have in that situation."

  "Except stay awake."

  "How were you supposed to know he was going to find the keys while you were sleeping and leave anyway?"

  "But why did he have to leave? He could have stayed there for the rest of the night and left in the morning? He would have been safe."

  "It was the summer," I said. "He was lifeguarding. You know how he was. Brent had to clock in at least an hour before any cust
omers showed up to the waterpark. He didn't have any of his work stuff with him, so he probably figured he should get home so that he could have a good start to the next day.

  "If I hadn't fallen asleep, I could have stopped him."

  "Gabriel, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. And neither did Brent. The coroner's report said the alcohol had metabolized out before he even started driving. He wasn't impaired when he was driving. At all. It was the truck driver who drove out in front of him who shouldn't have been on the road. It was a bad decision that Brent made, sure. He should have just stayed with you, gotten some sleep and then left early so he could swing by the house and pick up his things. He also could have showed up just a little late for work. But the fact that he didn't do any of those things doesn't mean what happened was your fault. "

  "I tried to save him," he said into his hands. "I pulled him out as fast as I could."

  "I know you did," I said.

  My heart felt like it was tearing in two. I pulled him closer to me, really noticing how large his chest was as I tried to hold him. I could hear the agony in his voice and wanted to do anything to make it go away.

  "As soon as I realized he was gone, I went after him. I got there just in time to see that truck smash into his car. I didn't even turn my car off. I slammed the emergency brake, hopped out, and ran to Brent's car and pulled him out of the wreckage. I got him as far away as I could before the engine exploded. When the paramedics got there, they said that if he was in the car when the gas ignited, he would have died instantly. It gave me hope. I thought that sounded like they were optimistic about him. I thought maybe everything was going to be okay." He shook his head. "But it wasn't. It was never okay again."

  "Gabriel, look at me." He resisted so I jostled his shoulders. "Look at me."

  He finally complied, and I looked directly into his eyes.

  "You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty. Brent's death was an accident. A horrible accident caused by the stupidity of one drunk, stupid man who got behind the wheel of his truck and drove, not thinking he’d encounter anyone else on the road. You didn't do anything. Brent loved you. He wouldn't want you to waste your life feeling guilty about how his ended. He would want you to live it."

  Gabriel tucked an arm around me and lowered us down to lay on the floor together. He rested his hand on my belly and softly stroked it with his thumb, closing his eyes to try and go back to sleep. I cradled him for hours without falling back to sleep. I felt like I was on guard. To see Gabriel, the strong and powerful man he is, so hurt, it shook me to my core. At the same time, I felt the emotions and feelings I had coursing through me, grow even stronger.

  Chapter Ten

  Cherry

  We convinced Gabriel's father to stretch the engagement to six weeks rather than a month, which gave us two extra weeks to bring it all together. Time was flying by, however, and I knew that I needed to tell my mother. She had taken the news of my pregnancy well, even though I told her I wasn't ready to reveal the identity of the father just yet. Having Jess there to play the exuberant auntie-to-be seemed to go a long way in making my mother more accepting, even excited, about her grandchild. Telling her I was getting married seemed like something else altogether. It would mean revealing Gabriel was the father of the baby and invite a host of uncomfortable questions about our relationship. I could only hope the thought of me actually making it down the aisle this time would be enough to temper any negativity she might feel.

  I coached myself through what I was going to say to her as I made my way down the breezeway between our houses. Jess wasn't with me this time. She had been extremely helpful when I told my mother about my pregnancy, but I felt like I needed to do this on my own. I braced myself for my mother's reaction before I even stepped through the door. Mom was sitting in her chair by the window, recreating her favorite spot from the old house, in a way. She looked at me and I noticed how much more color she seemed to have in her cheeks, and how much more energetic she looked. Her eyes were even sparkling.

  "Hi, Cherry," she said, sounding almost chipper for the first time in years. "What brings you all the way over here for a visit?"

  "I need to talk to you about something," I said. "It's really important."

  Her expression became concerned.

  "Did something happen?" she asked. " Is something wrong with the baby?"

  "No," I said, instinctively cupping a protective hand around my belly. "Nothing's wrong with the baby. The baby looks fantastic, according to the doctor. If I want to, I can find out if it's a boy or girl in just a few weeks."

  My bump had become distinctly larger in the last few weeks, but it was still not quite at the point where people would know I was pregnant as opposed to assuming I might have just eaten a very large lunch.

  "Thank goodness," she said. "Well, what is it then?"

  "I'm getting married,” I said.

  "Married?" my mother asked, her eyes widening.

  I nodded.

  "I'm actually marrying Gabriel," I told her. "He's the father of the baby. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you before, things were a little bit complicated and I didn't want…"

  I stopped when I saw tears were starting to slip down my mother's cheeks.

  "I'm so happy for you," she said. "Your heart was so broken, and I know that he is exactly the one to fix it for you. He's been the one all along. I could see it in your eyes when you were younger, even though you deny it. And I could see it when you told me you started working for him. It's easy for you to tell a lie with your mouth, but you give it away with your facial expressions. I was worried when I found out about the baby. I know you're going to be an absolutely incredible mother, but when you wouldn't tell me who the father was, I thought you had made some sort of terrible mistake."

  "You did?"

  "Yes. I was afraid you had gotten overwhelmed or were just tired of looking for that perfect someone and had just hopped into bed with the first man who paid attention to you. I should have known better. I should have known you better. That's not the type of person you are. You're like me in so many ways, Cherry. You believe in true love. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that you’re going to have a chance at the type of life I had with your father. There's nothing like that type of love."

  I didn’t think my mother would respond like this. She had been excited for me when I had gotten engaged to Anthony, but in the reserved way I expected she would be when her only daughter announces she's marrying a man she's only known a few months. When she had warned me about Gabriel, she seemed cautious and even upset at the idea of the two of us being together in a romantic way, yet now she was thrilled. Guilt started to creep into my mind and tighten in my chest. The weight of the lies I was telling crushed down on me even more intensely than it had before. I thought about my brother and how he would feel if he knew this was happening. Tears danced in my eyes as I realized just how far we had taken things. I couldn't stand the thought of causing any damage or hurting anyone because of the choices I'd made. When this all began, I only saw what was right ahead of me. I didn't think about the impact it would have on anyone else, including myself. I only focused on how much it would benefit my mother. Now I felt like everything was spiraling toward disaster and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  I tried to not feel that way. There was just a short amount of time left before the wedding and I felt like if I could just push my way through it, maybe I could find some way to minimize the pain that was going to ensue.

  Two days later I met with Jess at the bridal shop. We had been making so many decisions and putting so many details into place that I hadn't been able to settle on my dress. It was the one thing was completely escaping me. I had seen and tried on countless designs. I had people sketch new options and tell me how they could tailor existing dresses, but I hadn't been able to choose one. Now I was out of time and had to choose.

  I had gone through what felt like most of the store’s inventory when the cl
erk zipped, tied, and buttoned me into an elaborate creation that seemed to have taken most of the signature details from every other dress I had tried on and put them together. The strapless boned bodice was covered in stones and sequins and crushed tightly around my wrist, enough that I worried about it squeezing the baby. The skirt cascaded around me with countless layers of netting and petticoats beneath it, before stretching out behind me in a glittering train. I felt like I was going to suffocate before I even stepped out of the dressing room, but the way the clerk looked at me made me feel like maybe this was one I should consider. I walked out and climbed up on the little platform in front of a bank of curved mirrors and stared into the reflection of Jess behind me. She held a glass of champagne and when she looked at me, her mouth opened, and color sprang to her cheeks.

  "This one is incredible," she said. "You really look like a princess. Why don't you look happy?"

  The clerk gave a deep sigh.

  "Maybe this isn't the one," the sales associate said. "I always tell a bride the decision about her dress is made the second she sees herself in the mirror. She should look at herself as a bride, not just somebody standing in a wedding dress. She should be able to envision herself standing at the altar with the man she loves, ready to start a new life with him. When she sees herself in the right dress, it should feel as good as when she sees her future husband. That should be what you want to look and feel like when standing in front of your friends and family to celebrate how you brought them all together in this precious way."

  Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. The dress was suffocating me even more than before and the air around me was hot and thick. Spots danced in front of my eyes and my hands felt cold, my fingertips numb. I reached down and grabbed the dress, pulling the skirt up so that my feet wouldn't tangle in it. The clerk made a comment about heading back to the dressing room to try on something else, but my eyes focused on the door. I ran. I ran straight to the door and down the sidewalk, ignoring the screams of the boutique staff and Jess behind me. I threw myself into the car Gabriel had arranged to bring me and Jess around and told Harlan to bring me to Gabriel. He stared at me in the rearview mirror as I tried to manage the massive puff of skirt that had enveloped me when I sat down, and I gestured sharply at him.