by Joanna Neil
‘They did, but I was quite young when that happened. And I had Aunt Annie. She stepped in right away and was like a mother to me. My uncle was there as well until two or three years ago, so he became a father figure for me.’
She dipped her spoon into the tart and savoured the taste of caramelised fruit on her tongue. ‘Did you see much of your father back then?’
‘Quite a bit. We’d spend time with him whenever he had a free weekend, but then he married again and his wife already had children of her own. We didn’t get on all that well with them. We tried, of course, but they were older than me and Gemma and I think they resented us.’
‘Oh, dear. That doesn’t sound good. It must have been awkward for you.’
He smiled. ‘Probably, as children, you take these things more or less in your stride. It’s only when you get to adulthood and you look back that you realise it could have been a lot better, or maybe that you could have handled things differently. I was more or less okay with my father getting married again, but when my mother did the same thing I wasn’t too happy.’ He pulled a face. ‘I was quite rebellious for a time.’
Saffi studied him thoughtfully as he signalled to the waiter and ordered two cappuccinos. ‘Do you think it’s had an effect on you?’ she asked when the waiter left. ‘Now, I mean, as an adult.’
He mused on that for a while. ‘Possibly. I suppose it makes you cautious. But it’s probably worse when you’re an adolescent. Your emotions are all over the place anyway then. At one time I began to think I didn’t really belong anywhere. I looked out for Gemma—that was the one thing that was constant.’
‘Maybe that’s why you can’t settle into relationships now—the reason you bale out when things start to get serious—because deep down you think it could all go wrong and then it would be heart-wrenching for you all over again.’
He looked startled for a second or two, but he mused on that for a while, and then he frowned. ‘I hadn’t thought of it that way,’ he said. He gave a crooked smile. ‘I think you could be right. Men are supposed to be tough, but even they can have their hearts broken.’
She stirred brown sugar crystals into her coffee and stayed silent, deep in thought. Once bitten? Had some woman broken his heart in years past? Perhaps that had reinforced his conviction that he must steer clear of getting too deeply involved. Was it the reason he seemed to have so much trouble dealing with his feelings for her?
Maybe it might have been better if she’d never worked out the cause of his reluctance to commit long term. If he started going over past decisions in his mind, would he soon start to have second thoughts about seeing Gina again?
When they left the restaurant, it was still fairly early, and they walked along the quayside for a while, looking at the yachts in the harbour. He put his arm around her bare shoulders and said softly, ‘I’m sorry for weighing you down with my problems. I wanted this to be a pleasant evening.’
‘It was. It is. Perhaps we should do it again some time.’ Her face flushed a little as she realised how pushy that sounded, and she added hurriedly, ‘I mean, when you’re not so troubled and you can relax a bit more.’
He smiled. ‘I’d really like that.’ They stopped by a railing and looked out over the bay in the distance, formed by tall cliffs and a long promontory. Waves lapped at the shore and splashed over the rocks. Further out, a lighthouse blinked a warning to any passing ships.
After a while, he checked his watch and said soberly, ‘I suppose we should start heading for home. I wish we didn’t have to break up the evening like this. I want to be with you…’ He smiled wryly. ‘I’m beginning to resent this Jason before I’ve even met him.’
He linked his fingers in hers as they started to walk back to the car. It felt good, just the two of them, hand in hand, and she, too, wished the evening didn’t have to end.
It was still well before nine o’clock when they arrived home, but Saffi was dismayed to find that there was a black car parked on the drive. As she and Matt approached the house, the driver’s door opened and a man stood up and came to greet them. He was tall, with crisply styled brown hair and hazel eyes. He wore a beautifully tailored dark suit.
‘Saffi, it’s so good to see you again.’ Before she could guess his intention, Jason had put his arms around her and drawn her to him in a warm embrace. Beside her, she felt Matt stiffen.
Saffi froze. Jason was a virtual stranger to her and she had no idea how to react. She had the strong feeling he would have kissed her, too, but he seemed to gain control of himself just in time and released her. Maybe he realised she wasn’t responding to him as he might have expected.
She felt bad about her reaction. ‘I…uh…Jason… hello. I don’t think you know Matt, do you? He lives in the annexe over there.’ She waved a hand towards the end of the building. ‘He’s been really helpful to me, one way and another, these last few weeks.’
Jason frowned, and it seemed like an awkward moment, but Matt nodded a guarded acknowledgement of him and said, ‘She’s been through a bad time, so I’ve been looking out for her. I mean to go on doing that.’
Something in the way he said it made Saffi glance at Matt. Perhaps he’d meant it as a subtle warning, but Jason didn’t seem put out.
She said, ‘Thanks for coming over here, Jason. It was good of you to do that.’
‘I was glad to. I wanted to see you again.’
‘You came to see me in hospital, didn’t you?’
He nodded. ‘I’d have visited more often, but the nurses wouldn’t let me. Then your flatmate kept sending me away, saying you weren’t up to seeing people. Can you believe it—after all we meant to one another? I’m just so glad that we can finally be together.’
She heard Matt’s sudden intake of breath and she made a shuddery gasp. It was no wonder he was alarmed by what Jason was saying. It had come as news to her, too.
Her cheeks flooded with sudden heat. How could she tell Jason that she didn’t know him? He seemed to think things were exactly as they had been before—that they could go back to whatever relationship they’d had before she’d suffered her head injury.
‘I…I’m still having trouble remembering things, Jason,’ she said in a soft voice. ‘I’m sorry, but I still don’t know who you are and I don’t think we can go back to how we were. It’s not possible.’
Jason shook his head. ‘I know it was a bad thing that happened to you, Saffi, but I’m not going to give up on what we had. Even if you’ve lost your memory, we can start again.’
Saffi looked at him, a feeling of apprehension starting up in her stomach. ‘I don’t think that’s possible, Jason. Things are different now. I’m not the same person I was back then, back in Hampshire.’
‘I don’t believe that’s true, Saffi. People don’t change, deep down. And I won’t give up on you. How can I? I won’t rest until things are back to how they should be. You mean everything to me, Saffi. We love one another. We were practically engaged. It’ll be the same again, you’ll see.’
Saffi stared at him in disbelief. Engaged? Was it true? Matt was looking stunned by the revelation and she felt as though the blood was draining out of her. A feeling of dread enveloped her. How could she even consider being with another man when in her heart she knew she wanted Matt?
But wasn’t that the worst betrayal of all, wanting to have nothing at all to do with a man she was supposed to have loved?
Distraught, she looked at Matt. She was shattered by everything Jason had said.
‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,’ Matt said, his gaze narrowing on Jason. ‘Whatever was between you two before this has to go on the back burner. She’s in shock. She doesn’t know you. You have no choice but to let it go for now.’
CHAPTER SEVEN
MATT HELPED JASON to unload the boot of his car, and between the three of them they carried Saffi’s belongings into the house. The men seemed to have come to a mutual agreement that there would be no more talk of what had gone on in the past, and
gradually Saffi felt the shock of Jason’s announcement begin to fade away. Had they really been on the point of getting engaged?
After a while she managed to find her voice once more and she tried to make general conversation, wanting to ease the tension that had sprung up between the two men.
Neither of them said very much, but when they had finished the work, they both followed her into the kitchen. Matt was making no attempt to return to the annexe, and she suspected he had no intention of leav- ing her alone with Jason.
‘My coffee-maker,’ she said with a smile, unpack- ing one of the boxes. ‘I’ve really missed it. Who’s for espresso?’
She spooned freshly ground coffee into the filter and added water to the machine. It gave her something to do, and helped to take her mind off the awfulness of her situation. She’d been thoroughly shaken by events, so much so that her hands were trembling. Turning away, she tried to hide the tremors by going to the fridge and pouring milk into a jug.
Matt was frowning, his dark eyes watching Jason, assessing him. ‘How long will you be staying in Devon?’ he asked, and Saffi was grateful to him for taking over the conversation for a while. She felt awkward, out of her depth and she had no idea what to do about it.
‘A couple of weeks,’ Jason answered. ‘I’ve booked into a hotel in town.’
Saffi handed him a cup of coffee. ‘Chloe said you were taking some time off work…’ She pulled a face. ‘I don’t even know what it is that you do.’
‘I’m a medical rep. I generally work in the Hampshire area, and sometimes further afield if an opportunity crops up.’
‘And you were working near to here today?’
‘That’s right, but I’d already made up my mind to come and see you. I just wanted to be near you, Saffi.’ His gaze was intent, his hazel eyes troubled. ‘We were so close before the accident. I want to be with you and make it like it was before. We can do that, can’t we?’
She looked away momentarily, unable to face the yearning in his expression. He seemed to be in such an agony of emotion—how was it that she could have forgotten him, feel nothing for him, and yet apparently they had been so close? She was overwhelmed by guilt.
‘I don’t know what to say to you, Jason. I don’t know what to do.’ She frowned, trying to work things out in her mind. Why did this have to happen…especially now, when she cared so much for Matt? But how could she simply turn Jason away? That would be heartless, like a betrayal of whatever relationship they’d once had. Was she the kind of person who could do that?
She said quietly, ‘I know this must be very difficult for you. Perhaps we could get to know one another again…take it slowly…but I can’t make any promises. I don’t know how things will turn out. Things have changed. I’m not the same person any more.’
‘What are you trying to say to me?’ Jason’s mouth made a flat line. ‘Are you telling me you feel differently because you’re with him?’ He looked pointedly at Matt, a muscle in his jaw flicking.
She closed her eyes for a second or two, a tide of anxiety washing through her. ‘Yes, I think I am.’ She let out a long, slow breath. She’d said it. Admitted it. She’d known what the consequences might be when she couldn’t stay away from Matt. She’d flirted with danger. Matt didn’t want a long-term relationship, he had been clear on that, but she’d gone ahead anyway, getting herself in deeper and deeper.
Standing beside her, she saw Matt brace his shoulders. His lips were parted slightly as though on a soft sigh…of relief, or was he concerned now because she might want their relationship to be more serious? He didn’t say anything, though, but looked fixedly at Jason.
Jason’s mouth was rigid. ‘You don’t love her,’ he said. ‘You can’t possibly care for her as I do. You’ve only known her for five minutes…how can that compare with what Saffi and I have shared?’
Matt pulled a wry face. ‘Actually, you’re wrong about that. I’ve known Saffi for years. The irony of it is that she doesn’t remember me either.’
Jason looked stunned. After a second or two he recovered himself and said briskly, ‘So, we’re on an even footing. We’ll see who comes out of this the winner, won’t we?’
‘True.’
Saffi stared at both of them, a wave of exasperation pulsing through her. ‘Have you both finished discussing me as though I’m some kind of commodity to be shifted from one place to another as you please?’ she enquired briskly. ‘I think it’s time for you both to leave.’
Stunned by her sharp rebuke, they did as she asked, albeit with great reluctance. Jason said goodbye, stroking her arm in a light caress, hesitant, as though he wanted to do more, perhaps to take her in his arms. Finally, he went to his car and drove off towards town.
Matt stood on the drive, watching him turn his car onto the country lane.
Saffi raised her brows questioningly. ‘You’re still here,’ she said.
He gave her a wry smile. ‘I’m just making sure you’re safe,’ he murmured, and then with a gleam in his eyes he added, ‘If you begin to feel anxious in the night, or you want some company, you only have to bang on the wall and I’ll be there in an instant.’
‘Hmm…thanks for that, I appreciate it. But don’t hold your breath, will you?’ she murmured.
His mouth made an amused twist. ‘You think I’m joking. Believe me, I’m not. Are you sure you don’t want me to stay? After all, a few minutes ago you admitted you had feelings for me.’ He moved closer as if to take her in his arms but she dragged up a last ounce of courage and put up a hand to ward him off.
‘I can’t do this, Matt,’ she said huskily. ‘I want to, but I can’t. Not now. My whole life has been turned upside down and I don’t know what to do or what to think. I need some space.’
He laid his hands lightly on her shoulders. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just that I hate to think of you being with that man—with any man. Seeing him with you has come as such a shock it’s making me reassess everything.’ He frowned. ‘I don’t mean to put pressure on you, Saffi, but you must know I want you…I need you to know that. I want you for myself. I want to protect you, to keep you from harm, in any way I can.’
‘I’m not sure you would feel the same way if I hadn’t lost my memory.’ She shook her head. ‘It makes a difference, doesn’t it?’
‘I don’t know. All I know is I’ve always wanted you, Saffi. I’ve tried to fight against it, but I can’t help myself. It seems like I’ve longed for you for ever and a day.’
Wanting wasn’t the same as loving, though, was it? She daren’t risk her happiness on a man who couldn’t settle for one woman in his life. More and more she was growing to understand that it was what she wanted above all else—to have Matt’s love and to know that it was forever.
‘Things are all messed up,’ she said softly. ‘I don’t know who I am or how to respond any more.’
Briefly, he held her close and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. ‘Just follow your instincts,’ he said, ‘and know that I’m here for you, whenever you need me.’
He was still watching her as she went back into the house and closed the door. Alone once more, Saffi leaned back against the wall and felt the spirit drain out of her. Everything that she was, or had been, was locked up inside her head. Why didn’t she know what had happened between her and Jason? Why had she and Matt parted company all those years ago? If only she could find the key to unlock the secrets hidden in her mind.
Jason came to call for her the next day, after Matt had left for work, and they spent time walking in the village and exploring the clifftop walks nearby. Perhaps he’d had time to think things through overnight, because he seemed to be doing everything in his power to help ease her mind. He made no demands of her, so that after a while she was able to relax a little with him. He told her about his job as a representative for a pharmaceutical company, and how it involved meetings with hospital clinicians, GPs and pharmacists.
In turn, she told him about her love for the house she’d inherit
ed, the time she spent in the garden or looking after the hens and the beehives.
‘I’ll have to collect the honey soon,’ she told him. ‘You could help if you want. I could find you some protective clothing.’
‘I could never have imagined you doing such things,’ he said with a grin. ‘You were always so busy, working in A and E. You loved it. It was your passion.’
‘Was it?’ She couldn’t be certain, but it felt as though he was right. ‘I’ll be doing it again in a few days’ time.’
He frowned. ‘You will? Are you sure you’re up to it? How are you going to manage things at the house if you do that? The garden’s huge. That’s a full-time job in itself, without the hassle of looking after the hens.’
‘It’s not so bad. Matt helps with everything, especially the bigger jobs around the place, like repairing fences or painting the hen coop. He’s been keeping the lawns trim and so on. Besides, I’ll only be working part time to begin with.’
‘Even so, you don’t need all this bother. You’ve been ill, Saffi. Why don’t you sell up and come back to Hampshire? Life would be a lot easier for you there, and you would have friends around you.’
She shook her head. ‘I don’t remember anyone back there and I wasn’t getting better. I was frightened all the while, and I didn’t know why. It’s different here. I love this house. It’s my home, the place where I spent my childhood and where I felt safe.’
Jason wasn’t happy about her decision, and she knew he wanted her to return to Hampshire with him, but he said no more about it. She saw him most days after that, while Matt was out at work, and he was always careful not to push things too far. Perhaps he was hoping her memory would return and they could take up where they had left off, but that didn’t happen.
Although she knew Matt hated her being with Jason, he didn’t try to persuade her against seeing him. Instead, he was there every evening, helping her with whatever needed to be done about the place. She discovered one of the hens, Mitzi, had a puncture wound in her leg and he cleaned it up while she gently held the bird to stop her from struggling.
