My Song for You: A Pushing Limits Novel

by Stina Lindenblatt

  He was just being an honest four-year-old. He wasn’t trying to hurt anyone, but I knew Callie. If she’d heard him, and I was positive she had, his words would’ve cut deep.

  I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to say. Sharon watched Logan, the smile on her face gone. Callie still hadn’t returned.

  Sharon’s gaze jumped from me to Logan and back again. A thought was forming in her head, but I had no idea what it was. I had long ago quit trying to figure out women, and that included my mom and sister.

  Callie walked out of the kitchen, a big smile plastered on her face. “How about I take you to Disneyland next weekend?” She hugged her son and kissed the top of his head. “I have Sunday off.”

  For the first time since bumping into her this afternoon, I noticed the exhaustion on her face. I mentally cursed the asshole who had done this to her. Did he even pay child support? Maybe he hadn’t wanted to be part of his child’s life, but it did take two to make a baby. I might not have been great in biology, but that much I did remember.

  Logan cheered his mom’s decision. He jumped off his chair, grabbed the string of his dog balloon, and ran to his room. The balloon dragged through the air after him, like a dog reluctant to go for a walk. Callie’s plastered-on smile eased slightly to something more genuine.

  “Thank you for the party,” Sharon said. “I’ll see you Monday.” To me she added, “It was nice meeting you, Jared.”

  I waited until the apartment door clicked shut before asking if Callie was okay.

  She picked up Logan’s Pooh plate. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Really? Are you forgetting we’ve known each other since we were kids?”

  She didn’t even pause in gathering the dirty dishes to answer. “We haven’t seen each other in, what, five years? Maybe I’ve changed.”

  “Where’s Logan’s father?” I said in a low voice.

  Callie’s hand jerked with Sharon’s plate, narrowly missing an empty glass. “It doesn’t matter where he is.” Without looking at me, she returned to the kitchen.

  I followed her. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”

  Her entire body stiffened. “Just that. He’s not part of Logan’s life and he never will be.” The venom in her voice was deadly. Ouch. I was almost relieved for the asshole that he wasn’t here.

  I didn’t say anything at first. I just watched her fill the sink with soapy water and scrub a plate clean. She continued scrubbing it long after every molecule of dirt had been banished.

  She was obviously mad, but it was less clear at whom she was pissed: Logan’s father or me.

  I stepped behind her and threaded my fingers with hers, stopping her incessant scrubbing. Her hand trembled in mine. I fought back the urge to wrap my arms around her and do something idiotic to temporarily distract her, like run my lips along the soft skin of her neck.

  I glanced away…to the fridge, barely visible behind a sea of Logan’s artwork. All the pictures had been drawn with crayons and either contained awkward-looking stick people or colorful animals with disproportionate bodies and limbs. “Does he know about Logan?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” The words were whispered. I couldn’t be certain if they were directed at me or at herself.

  “Sure it does. Why wouldn’t it?”

  Even though she wasn’t facing me, there was no missing her flinch at my question. “Because the last thing he wanted or needed was a child.”

  A part of me relaxed at her words and I released her hand. She hadn’t said that the last thing he had wanted or needed was another child. It meant whoever the father was didn’t already have a child. He wasn’t a family man, but it didn’t mean he didn’t have a wife.

  “Is he married?”

  Callie groaned and turned to face me. “You honestly think I’d be stupid enough to become involved with a married man?”

  “No, I don’t think you’re stupid. Maybe you didn’t know he was married at the time.”

  She let out a shaky breath and returned to washing the dishes. “No, he isn’t married. And honestly, Logan and I are doing fine. Better than fine.”

  “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  She laughed, the sound a mix of bitter and amused. “I have a four-year-old child, waitress forty hours a week in a diner, study graphic design part-time, attend an American Sign Language class for parents who have a deaf child, and do odd graphic design projects for a handful of clients. That doesn’t exactly leave me time to have a boyfriend. Heck, it doesn’t even give me enough time to date, period.”

  “I guess not.” The reality of what she was dealing with made me want to punch the sperm donor’s lights out for his part in Callie’s having to give up her dreams. Not once as a kid had she mentioned that she dreamed of being a waitress in a diner when she grew up. “Which diner do you work at?”

  “Blue Star. It’s close to here and my boss allows me to work the early shift so that I’m home more for Logan.” This might’ve been true, but she didn’t seem happy about it.

  I wanted to ask about her family, since surely they were helping her out. Her parents were those kind of people—just like my parents were. But I didn’t want to risk her bringing up Alexis. I didn’t want to risk her mentioning what my ex-girlfriend was up to. Alexis and I might not have been anything more than a great fuck, but that didn’t mean I wanted to hear about her life. Maybe I would eventually…but not tonight.

  Callie yawned. “I need to get Logan to bed now, then work on an assignment that’s due soon. So…”

  “Yeah, I should go,” I said, even though it wasn’t what I wanted. What I really wanted was to hold her, kiss her, and tell her that everything would be all right, but who was I to say that? What did I know about anything?

  She walked me to the apartment door, but before I left, I made a detour into Logan’s room to say goodbye to the little guy.

  “Are you going to Disneyland with us?” he asked, smiling with the same dimples that my father and I had, which made me wonder even more about his biological father. No one in Callie’s family had dimples. Logan’s had to come from his dad.

  “Sweetie, Jared is super-busy with his band. But you and I will have a lot of fun, just the two of us.”

  The dimples on his face vanished and he nodded. I nearly told him I would come, just to see his smile again, but I had no idea if I could join them. I didn’t want to make a promise I couldn’t keep. And something about Callie’s attitude made me question if she even wanted me to join them.

  I left Logan’s room. At the apartment door, I paused. I knew I should walk away and leave Callie and her son to live their lives while I lived mine, but for some reason I couldn’t. During the past few hours the restlessness had taken a snooze. I had no idea why. Maybe I missed her friendship more than I realized. All I knew was that I itched to spend more time with her, with the girl who once had tried to tag along with Alexis and me because Alexis had told her that we were going bowling. “Bowling” had been her code word for driving to our favorite spot and screwing in my car.

  Except now Callie was no longer a girl. She was a woman who had my blood heating in a way no other woman had before—not even her sister.

  “I’ll check with the band and see if I’m free next weekend. If I am, I’d be happy to go to Disneyland with you guys.”

  “That’s not a good idea.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because I don’t want Logan getting too attached to you. He likes you and I can’t risk him liking you more than he should.”

  I should’ve accepted what she said, since he was her son, after all. He had nothing to do with me. “Other than your father, does he have any males in his life? Any positive influences?”

  A flash of pain crossed her face, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. “He’s fine, Jared. And it’s better this way. Better than constantly dealing with guys letting him down and eventually walking out of his life.” The real reason she didn’t date.

&
nbsp; “And you think I’m gonna let him down?”

  She averted her gaze. “Goodnight, Jared.”

  Chapter 6

  Callie

  The apartment door shut behind Jared. I leaned back against it for several minutes, staring at the picture of Logan when he was a baby.

  And you think I’m gonna let him down?

  That was exactly what I believed would happen. It wouldn’t be Jared’s fault. It was just the nature of his lifestyle.

  The best thing for everyone concerned was to prevent Logan from becoming even more attached to Jared. Asking Jared to join us for the birthday party had been a huge mistake. A mistake I wouldn’t repeat, for Logan’s sake.

  And for the sake of my own heart.

  Logan was busy with his toys when I entered his room. “Bedtime,” I said, and started corralling the animals from his preschooler-friendly farm set that were scattered on the floor.

  “Not tired,” he said and signed, but he didn’t have a chance to say the final word before a yawn cut it short.

  I laughed. “No, you don’t sound tired at all.” I deposited the animals in the plastic barn and helped him into his Spider-Man PJs, which were getting too small for him. “We need to get you some new ones.”

  He shook his head and signed, “No.”

  “Don’t you want PJs that fit better? You’re a big boy now.” I sighed. We’d had this same discussion every night for the past week.

  “No new ones. Liked these ones.”

  “But I bet you’ll find new pajamas that you like even more.”

  He crossed his arms and pouted. End of discussion. I pushed away the voice pointing out that maybe he wouldn’t be so stubborn if he had a father or a positive male role model he looked up to. But it wasn’t as if I could go to the mall and pick him up either of those the way I could buy a new set of pajamas.

  I helped him brush his teeth and read him a story. “Good night. I love you,” I said afterward. I hugged him, and a memory snuck in of my mother doing the same when she put me to bed as a child. I hugged him tighter, but it wasn’t just him I was hugging—it was my mother.

  I kissed Logan’s cheek. “See you tomorrow.” I removed the audio processor from the side of his head, hidden under his hair, and placed it in the drying box on his nightstand.

  After tucking him into bed, I turned off his light. The green nightlight glowed softly against the painted walls. I closed the door partway, leaving a narrow gap between it and the doorframe. Logan preferred it that way.

  As I turned toward the living room, a knock on the door intruded on my thoughts about Jared. Just as well. My thoughts shouldn’t have been on him anyway.

  For a second my stupid brain entertained the idea that maybe it was him. But the knocker wasn’t Jared; it was Sharon.

  “Hi,” I said, doing my best not to sound disappointed.

  “I saw your friend leave and wanted to talk to you.”

  My stomach did a belly flop. Nothing good ever came from the words I wanted to talk to you.

  Or maybe I was overreacting. Maybe she just believed Jared wasn’t a good role model to have around Logan because he was a musician in a rock band. Visions of groupies, wild parties, and drugs had danced around in her head. Who could blame her?

  I opened the door wider. “Sure. Logan’s in bed now.” He wouldn’t hear anything. I could play a Pushing Limits album at full volume and he wouldn’t know it was on—unlike my neighbors. “Would you like a drink?” Milk. Wine. Something a lot stronger?

  Too bad I didn’t have anything stronger than apple juice. There was no point. I was a social drinker. I didn’t drink at home alone, and since most nights I was alone…

  “I’ll have some water, thanks.”

  In the kitchen, I filled a glass of water for her and grabbed a diet soda from the fridge. Since I expected to be up late tonight working on an assignment for one of my classes, the caffeine would be much appreciated.

  With drinks in hand, we sat at my parents’ old mahogany dinner table, which I had inherited. It still looked festive, with balloons floating above our heads and the matching purple and silver streamers on the table. But I had a feeling the last thing I was about to do was celebrate after what Sharon had to tell me.

  “Thanks again for the presents, Callie,” she said. “They meant a lot to me. You and Logan are like family to me. Correction—you and Logan are family to me.” She took a sip of her drink, then released a long slow breath, her gaze on the contents of her glass. “I’ve never told you what happened to my daughter and grandson, have I?”

  I shook my head.

  She placed her glass on the coaster in front of her. Sandwiched between the two layers of glass was a picture of Logan grinning at the camera. Above it, FAMILY was printed in carefree lettering. The opposite of how I felt.

  “Mathew was Logan’s age when it happened. He and his mom, my daughter, were in a boating accident and drowned.”

  A dull ache took up residence in my chest. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

  “It happened seven years ago. Several years after my husband died of a heart attack.”

  I opened my mouth, but the words weren’t there. Really, though, what could I say that hadn’t already been said?

  She gave my hand a light squeeze. “You and Logan saved me. When you two moved in, I’d been struggling with depression. I saw you and him as my second chance at the family I’d lost. Especially when I realized you were just as alone as I was.”

  I nodded because that much was true. Until Sharon had reached out to me, I had been alone. Alone and scared. My friends from high school had moved on. My friends back in San Francisco had no idea what I was going through. They couldn’t help me. There was no one for me to turn to…until Sharon had stepped into my life.

  I owed her everything for that.

  “Logan and I consider you our family too.” I hugged her.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  I swallow hard against the growing lump in my throat, fearing where this was headed. “Sure.”

  “Why don’t you date? You’re a beautiful and smart girl, Callie, but you never go out. You don’t even go out with friends.”

  I swallowed again. “I can’t.”

  “Because of Logan? You know I’ll be more than happy to babysit him so you can go out at least once in a while.”

  “I know,” I whispered before finding my voice again. “But I don’t really have anyone to go out with. And I love spending my free time with Logan. Plus I don’t want to be a waitress forever.” I wanted to have a career Logan could be proud of. I wanted him to see that if you desired something hard enough, you could achieve it—even when the odds stacked against you were taller than the Empire State Building.

  I stubbornly turned my back on the voice whispering how that wasn’t completely true. Being a graphic designer wasn’t my passion. That wasn’t the future I had dreamed of from the moment I’d watched my first Pixar movie.

  “You won’t be a waitress forever, but don’t you think Logan wants to see you happy?”

  “I am happy.” I gave her the biggest smile I could muster.

  Sharon made a noncommittal grunt. “Right. In the three years I’ve known you, you haven’t gone out on a single date. Why is that?”

  “I don’t like dating.”

  “You don’t like dating…or is it because of something else?”

  I felt my forehead scrunched into a frown. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Does it have to do with Jared?”

  Ice filled my veins at her words and rapidly spread throughout my body. “Jared? He’s just a friend. We knew each other growing up and he used to date my sister, but I haven’t seen him in years.”

  “How come?” Sharon sipped her water.

  “I moved to San Francisco to pursue my art degree in animation.” The words slipped out before I realized what I was saying.

  “Animation? So not graphic arts?”

  Shit. “I
started out in animation, but then realized I needed a career with a more solid future.” For Logan’s sake.

  Sharon locked her gaze on mine, as if preparing to read my soul with the next question. “Did you and Jared remain friends while you were away?”

  I squirmed. “No. We had our own lives. He was working hard at his music and I was busy with my studies.” While this might have all been true, my silence when it came to Jared had also been partly out of fear…fear that I would have inadvertently blurted out the truth about Logan. I hadn’t always agreed with Alexis’s choice to keep Jared from knowing about his son, but I had loved my sister and would’ve done anything she’d asked.

  “And today was the first time you’ve seen him since then?” Sharon asked.

  I squirmed again, suddenly feeling like I was being interrogated—on the train tracks, and unable to stop the train rapidly heading in my direction.

  “Well, not really. He’s in a popular rock band. I’ve seen him on their music videos.” I might have checked him out online, but nothing that would be considered stalking…much. “The band’s debut album did well on the charts, and they’re supposed to have a new album out soon. I wouldn’t be surprised if it does even better than the last one. The band’s super-talented.”

  Sharon smiled as the words gushed from my mouth. I slammed my lips shut before anything else tumbled out unrestrained.

  “So he’s on the road a lot?”

  “Yes. They toured for about a year with the first album, opening for different bands.”

  “Not a great job to have if you’re a father, I would suspect.”

  I shrugged. “None of them have kids. Only the lead singer has a serious girlfriend.” That had been big news a few months ago.

  “Really? So Logan isn’t Jared’s son?”

  I shook my head a little too fast to be convincing. “Jared and I were just friends. We’ve never had sex. I mean, we haven’t had sex together. I’m sure he’s had sex before, what with all those groupies who hang out around the band.” Palm, meet face.

  Sharon’s eyebrows rose. Not in surprise—more like she didn’t believe me and was calling me out on my clumsy attempt to hid the truth. But I wasn’t lying. As much as I had occasionally fantasized about kissing Jared and having sex with him, fantasy and reality lived at different ends of the universe.