Witch is When My Heart Broke (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 9)

by Adele Abbott

  That was true. “So, there are zombies?”

  “A few, yes. Zombies are neither sup nor human. They’re—well—undead. And to be honest, they’re a bit of a nuisance.”

  Everyone in the room nodded.

  “The thing is,” he continued. “They love to draw attention to themselves: walking around, flailing their arms about, and eating people’s brains. It’s not the sort of thing that goes unnoticed.”

  “I guess not.”

  “If they’re allowed to roam free or more accurately, hobble free.” He laughed at his own joke. “It’s going to be noticed by the humans, and that’s bad for us all. Once the humans realise they’re living alongside zombies, they might also realise that there are sups in their neighbourhood too. So it’s in all of our interests to stop the zombies drawing attention to themselves. Hence, Z-Watch.”

  “And how exactly does Z-Watch work?”

  “We have branches throughout the human world. It’s our job to keep an eye open for zombies. If and when any of them rise from the dead, we make sure we dispatch them pretty quickly. Before a human spots them.”

  “Dispatch them? You mean kill them?”

  He laughed. “We can hardly kill them, Jill. They’re not alive. But then, they’re not dead either. We eliminate them.”

  “How do you do that?”

  “The method varies from sup to sup. For a witch such as yourself, the best method is to use the ‘thunderbolt’ spell. You’re familiar with that, I assume?”

  I nodded.

  “If you aim the thunderbolt at the centre of the zombie’s forehead that will blow the thing to smithereens. No more zombie.”

  “I see.”

  “So, now you know what we do, I’m hoping you’ll agree to join our ranks.”

  “How much time will it require because I’m rather busy most days.”

  “Most of the people here have full time jobs. We just ask you to keep a lookout, and if you see a zombie then press the Z-Call button.”

  “What’s that?”

  He took something out of his pocket, and handed it to me. It was a small silver box with a single button on the front.

  “What does this do?”

  “If you spot a zombie, press the button, and that will alert all the other Z-Watch members in the vicinity.”

  “Can I keep this?”

  “Yes. Make sure you have it with you at all times. If you spot a zombie, press the button or if you feel the little button vibrate, that means another member has spotted a zombie. When that happens, call the number printed on the back, and you’ll be given details of where the zombie has been spotted.”

  “Does that happen very often? Are there many zombies?”

  “Not many. Probably only five or six in this area a year, on average. Most of the time you needn’t worry about it. It’s just a question of being on call. We’ll also need you to choose a passphrase.”

  “What’s that for?”

  “Zombies may be undead, but they can be quite cunning. It has been known for a zombie to kill a Z-Watch member, then take the button, and use it to call other members to him. Those who respond are caught unawares and fall victim themselves. To avoid this situation, we will always ask you to quote your passphrase. Do you have a phrase in mind?”

  “How about ‘crazy just got crazier’?”

  “Sure. That’s fine. ‘Crazy just got crazier’ it is.”

  ***

  When I got back to my flat, I bumped into Mr Ivers.

  “Hello, Jill. How are you?”

  “Okay, except that I haven’t been sleeping very well.”

  “Oh, dear. Why’s that?”

  “The noise from your home cinema has been keeping me awake.”

  “How did you know I’d bought one?”

  “Because I can hear the stupid thing from my flat.”

  “I’m sorry if I’ve kept you awake. I didn’t realise it was as loud as that.”

  “So will you keep it down?”

  “You don’t have to worry. I’ve sent it back. The stupid volume kept lowering itself. And then the screen would switch itself on and off. I’ve decided to abandon the idea of home cinema; I’d rather go to the multiplex, anyway. I don’t suppose you’d like to come with me next week, would you?”

  “Thanks, but I’ll have to take a rain check.” The next time it rains for forty days and forty nights, give me a call.

  Chapter 21

  When I walked into the office, Mrs V scrambled to push something into her drawer. This was becoming something of a habit. What was she trying to hide? Curiosity had now got the better of me.

  “Morning, Jill.” She gave me an innocent look, but I knew better.

  “Morning, Mrs V. Is it my imagination, or do you hide something every time I walk into the office?”

  She blushed, and I knew that I’d got her.

  “I don’t know what you mean, dear.”

  “Come on, Mrs V. I know something’s going on. Every time I walk in, you push something into that top drawer of yours.”

  “I think you must be mistaken.”

  “Okay then. So, if I open that drawer—”

  “No, you mustn’t do that.” She put her hand on it to hold it shut.

  “So, you are hiding something. I hope you haven’t been looking at naughty magazines.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. How could you even think such a thing?”

  “What am I meant to think? You’re obviously hiding something.”

  “All right.” She sighed. “If you must know.”

  She opened the drawer, and pulled out what at first glance looked like a pile of knitting.

  “Is that it?” I was rather disappointed. I’d been expecting something scandalous.

  “It’s bad enough, isn’t it?”

  “Knitting? Why all the secrecy?”

  “Don’t you know anything, Jill? Look.” She pointed at the needle.

  “That’s a strange looking knitting needle.”

  “That’s because it’s a crochet hook. I’ve been crocheting.”

  I laughed. “Hold on a minute. Are you trying to tell me that all the subterfuge was because you’ve been crocheting?”

  “Of course.”

  “Why? What does it matter?”

  “What does it matter? I’ve gone over to the dark side. If my yarnies were to ever find out, they’d cast me out of the inner circle. I’d be a pariah.”

  “Are you serious? Can’t people knit and crochet?”

  “Amateurs, probably, yes. But when you’re at my level, it’s a matter of pride. Knitters look down on the crocheters, and vice versa.”

  “So, why are you doing it?”

  “I couldn’t help myself, dear. I’ve had this crochet hook for years. I can’t remember when or even why I bought it. Anyway, the other day, I was having a clear out, and I spotted it. I thought, ‘Shall I? Shan’t I?’ Then something evil must have taken hold of me because the next thing I knew, I was crocheting. And what’s worse, I actually enjoyed it. I wish I’d never found the stupid thing.”

  “You don’t need to hide it from me.”

  “I thought you might mention it to your grandmother.”

  “I would never do that.”

  “Thanks. Even so, I’d better keep it under wraps because if it was ever to get out, things could be very difficult for me.”

  “Does this mean that you’ve given up on the knitting?”

  “Of course not. Knitting will always be my first love. I’ve got several projects on the go at the moment. But every now and then, I find I need a quick crochet fix.”

  “Well, I say go for it. And you don’t have to hide it from me. My lips are sealed.”

  “Thanks, Jill. You’re a good friend.”

  I went through to my office, and took a deep breath. Who knew there were such rivalries in the world of yarn?

  “What’s up with the old bag lady this morning?” Winky yawned.

  “She has a few things on her mi
nd.”

  “Is it because she’s been crocheting?”

  “How did you know?”

  “I make it my business to know everything that happens in this office.”

  “You mustn’t tell anyone.”

  “Really? Oh dear, because I was just about to put a post on FelineSocial.”

  “Winky, you can’t do that. Mrs V will be furious with me. She’ll think I’ve let it out of the bag.”

  “I suppose I could be persuaded to keep it quiet.”

  “Salmon?”

  “Hmm—that would do nicely. Red, not pink, obviously.”

  ***

  That evening, back at my flat, there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find Ike Cann.

  “Hi, Ike. What brings you here?”

  “Before I can answer, I’ll need you to say the passphrase.”

  “Sorry?”

  “The passphrase. I just need you to say it.”

  “Isn’t the passphrase meant to be used when someone makes a phone call, so you know that it’s them?”

  “That’s right.”

  “But, you’re here. You can see it’s me.”

  “I can see someone who looks like you. I need to be one hundred per cent sure.”

  “Of course. The passphrase? What was it again?”

  “If I told you, that would rather defeat the object, wouldn’t it?”

  “I suppose so. Was it custard creams rule?”

  “No. That wasn’t it.”

  “Blueberry muffins are the best?”

  “No, that wasn’t it either.”

  “Oh, yeah. I remember. Crazy just got crazier.”

  “That’s it! Thanks, Jill. I just had to be sure. Can I come in?”

  “Of course. What can I do for you?”

  “I wanted to come and see you in person because we’ve had an orange alert.”

  “I don’t think my button buzzed.”

  “It’s only a preliminary warning at the moment. No one’s actually spotted a zombie, but one or two people have picked up the vibe.”

  “The vibe?”

  “Some of our senior werewolf members get a sense of when there’s going to be a zombie incident. I don’t know why, but from what I understand, their ears start to itch.”

  “And that’s happened?”

  “Yeah. A couple of them have reported an ear-itch situation.”

  “So what exactly do I need to do?”

  “Nothing yet. But because you’re new to this, I thought I’d come over in person to give you a heads-up. The orange level warning is in the West Breighton area.”

  “West Breighton?”

  “Do you know it?”

  “That’s where my sister lives.”

  “In that case, it might be an idea to get over there. Just in case.”

  ***

  I was beginning to regret having signed up for Z-Watch. I’d been blissfully oblivious to the fact that there were zombies around. Now, I had to be on constant alert for them. After what Ike had just told me, I wanted to check the neighbourhood around Kathy’s house. I couldn’t have the undead attacking my nephew or niece. They could have Kathy, though.

  What? It was a joke. Sheesh!

  I couldn’t let Kathy, Peter or the kids see me because they’d probably invite me into the house, and I really needed to be outside if I was going to keep watch for zombies. I parked a few streets away, and took refuge in the bus shelter at the end of their road. The shelter had glass on the front and back, but the sides were made of concrete. That worked out well because it meant I couldn’t be seen from Kathy’s house.

  An elderly woman sat next to me in the bus shelter. She didn’t speak; she was too busy knitting. And if I wasn’t mistaken, she was using Everlasting Wool. A few moments later, a bus pulled up. It was the only bus that travelled that particular route, so naturally the bus driver expected me to board.

  “I’m not actually waiting for a bus.”

  He gave me a puzzled look, but went on his way.

  I still couldn’t convince myself there were actually zombies around. I mean, surely if there were, I would’ve seen one before now? Or at the very least, I would have heard something about them. It’s the sort of story that The Bugle would delight in. Still, I had to be vigilant. If there were any zombies, I needed to spot them quickly before any humans did. We didn’t want mass panic.

  I’d been there for about fifteen minutes when suddenly a car pulled up in front of me. It was Peter, Kathy, and the kids. They must have been out somewhere, and were headed home.

  “Jill?” Peter said, sticking his head out of the window. “What are you doing there?”

  “Waiting for a bus.”

  “Where’s your car?”

  “It broke down a couple of streets away, so I was going to get the bus back into town.”

  “Why didn’t you go to our house?”

  “I did, but you weren’t in.”

  “Well, we’re back now. Jump in. You can have a cup of tea, and then I’ll take you home. You can call the breakdown service from there.”

  “It’s okay. I’ll take the bus.”

  “Don’t be silly. Get in.”

  “Come on, Auntie Jill,” Lizzie shouted.

  “Yeah, come on, Auntie Jill.” Mikey hit his drum.

  I squeezed into the back seat with the kids.

  Kathy looked back at me. “Are you sure your car has broken down?”

  “Of course it did. Why else would I be taking the bus?”

  “I don’t know. Something doesn’t seem right.”

  “You know your trouble, Kathy? You’re way too suspicious.”

  “I wonder why.”

  Once we were inside the house, Kathy sent Peter into the kitchen to make us all a cup of tea. She had no custard creams as usual, so I settled for a cupcake. Very nice it was, too. But I was conscious that I shouldn’t be sitting inside, enjoying tea and cake. I should be outside, zombie watching.

  I went over to the front window, and looked up and down the street. I couldn’t see any undead. Then, I walked through to the kitchen, and checked the rear of the house. Still nothing.

  “Jill!” Kathy shouted.

  “Yeah?”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Just looking at the garden.”

  “It’s dark. You can’t even see the garden. Why don’t you come and sit down? You’re making me dizzy.”

  “I will in a moment.”

  “What are you looking for?”

  “Nothing. I’ve just got cramp; I need to stretch my legs.”

  Just then, I felt a vibration in my pocket. For a moment, I thought it was my phone, but then realised it was the Z-Call button. I had to phone in to Z-Watch.

  “I feel a bit woozy,” I said. “I’m just going to step outside for a moment to get some fresh air.”

  “Are you okay? What are you up—?”

  I didn’t give Kathy a chance to finish; I was already out of the back door.

  It was Ike who answered the call. “Ike, it’s Jill.”

  “What’s the passphrase?”

  “Are we going to do this, every time? Crazy just got crazier.”

  “Okay. Look, Jill, we have reliable information that there’s a zombie on the prowl. It’s been seen on Mill Street. Do you know it?”

  “That’s where I am now.”

  “In that case, it can’t be far away from you. Do you know what to do if you see it?”

  “Sure.”

  “Okay, be careful. I’ll get some other people over there as soon as I can.”

  “Right.”

  I made my way to the front of the house, and looked up and down the street. There was no sign of the zombie, so I began to walk slowly down the road. When I reached the far end, I heard something. A kind of shuffling sound. It seemed to come from the back of the house immediately to my right. I ran into the back yard, and there it was. A more horrible creature you could not wish to see. It was a man or at least what was lef
t of him. One of his arms was barely attached to his body; one of his legs was twisted around on itself. He was shuffling along just like the zombies in every bad X-rated movie I’d ever seen.

  He sniffed the air, and then turned to face me. The next moment, he began to shuffle my way. He was hungry, and my brains were on the menu. Ike had said I should use a thunderbolt, and that I had to hit him in the forehead. I’d always thought zombies couldn’t move very fast, but he seemed to be getting closer much too quickly for my liking. I fired a thunderbolt and missed. He was only a few feet away now. I didn’t want to be a zombie’s dinner! I fired again. This time, I hit him square in the centre of the forehead, and he disintegrated into a cloud of smoke.

  Phew! That was close.

  I rang Ike again.

  “What’s the passphrase?”

  “Ike! I only spoke to you two minutes ago.”

  “Passphrase, please.”

  “Crazy just got crazier.”

  “Right. How’s it going?”

  “I found it, and destroyed it.”

  “Good work. Well done.”

  “I’ve got to go, Ike. I’ll catch up with you later.”

  I hurried back to Kathy’s.

  “Where’ve you been, Jill? I checked all around the house, and couldn’t see you anywhere.”

  “I was just getting some fresh air. I felt a little queasy.”

  “No kidding. You look like death warmed up.”

  Chapter 22

  I’d no sooner walked into the office than Mad came charging in. She was dressed in her librarian clothes, and had obviously been running.

  “What’s wrong, Mad?”

  “Are you all right, young lady?” Mrs V looked very concerned.

  “Yeah. I’m okay, thanks.”

  “Are you sure?” I said. “You don’t look it.”

  “Would you like me to get you a glass of water?” Mrs V offered.

  “No, honestly, I’m fine.”

  “You’d better come through to my office.” I led the way. “Are you being chased by a ghost or something?”

  “Far worse than that. Do you mind if I sit down?”

  “Help yourself. So who were you running from?”

  “I was just on my way to the coffee shop when I saw my ex-boyfriend.”