Keep Dancing

by Leslie Wells

  “Please forgive me. I’ve missed you something awful.”

  Should I just walk out now—leave while I’m ahead? To collect my thoughts, I went to stand by the window. Conventioneers were pouring into the hotel, holding burlap bags of peanuts. I took a few breaths and went back to my seat. “What have you been doing all this time?” I asked.

  “Well…” He hesitated. “I’ve remarried.”

  Hearing him say this felt like another betrayal. I clenched my hands together so he wouldn’t see them shaking. “I thought you might have.”

  “And we have two kids,” he added.

  The words hit me like a kick in the gut. “You have other children?” Of course he wasn’t interested in me, I thought. He had his own kids to raise.

  Paul gave me an uneasy glance. “They’re five and seven. Both boys.”

  Maybe if I’d been a boy, he would have stayed in touch. “How nice for you,” I said coldly.

  “I’ve been working at a factory outside of Richmond. I’ve just been made line manager,” he said.

  “Good for you.” I faked a smile, my cheeks stiff with dried tears.

  “Please don’t be that way, sweetheart.” Paul got out of his chair and stood in front of me. “Now that you’ve found me, I want to be part of your life again, if you’ll have me. If you can ever forgive me.” He took my hands in his, but I pulled them away. “Or not even forgive me, but at least let me see you. I know that’s a lot to ask, but please think about it.”

  He reached in his pocket and put a slip of paper on the table. “You don’t have to say anything now. Here’s my address and phone number.” He cleared his throat. “Call me if you’re ever ready to see me again. You can come back here to visit, or I can come up to New York; whatever you want. Your boyfriend can come too.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” I choked out. “We used to be together, but now we’re just friends.”

  Paul gazed at me. “I don’t know how you feel about him, but I can tell from the way he looks at you. That’s not friendship in his eyes.”

  He went over to the door. “I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven. But I’m still asking you to.” He shut the door gently behind him.

  I sat there for a few minutes until I was sure he’d gone. Then I went upstairs, trying to hold it together until I got back to the room.

  Jack rose from the couch as I came in. “How did it go?” he asked, but then he got a good look at me. He came over quickly and put his arms around me. I clung to him, crying, the fabric of his shirt becoming damp.

  “Want some water? A drink?” Jack asked.

  “Please just hold me,” I sobbed into his chest.

  Jack took me to my room, and we lay on the made-up bed. He held me tightly as I cried out the hurt; the utter misery of being unwanted, feeling unworthy of anyone’s love. The pain of my own father not giving a damn.

  After what seemed like hours, I’d run out of tears. I lay shuddering on Jack’s chest as he rubbed my back. When I was finally still, he wiped my face with his shirttail.

  “You’re going to ruin your nice shirt,” I said, sniffling. I moved away and lay on the pillow.

  “Want to tell me about it?” He turned toward me, head in his hand.

  “It’s even worse than I thought.” I reached for a tissue and blew my nose. “He and Dot had to get married. They were pregnant with me. And she went out with his best friend when they were dating. I don’t think she ever did anything while they were married, but Paul said he could never trust her again. Then he got so suspicious about her boss that he just left us high and dry.”

  Jack touched my arm. “I’m sorry, Julia. That’s a lot of heavy stuff.”

  “He did come to Pikesville once, but he had a huge fight with Dot and left without seeing me. I can’t believe Dot didn’t tell me that when we had our little heart-to-heart last fall. Or about her going out with his friend. She lied to me about being totally innocent.”

  Jack gazed at me. “So your Mum’s not blameless either. Most people aren’t.”

  I thought about saying that since he was so understanding about other people, he might reconsider why I had to miss the rest of the concert. But I was so upset already; I couldn’t handle it if this veered into our breakup. “Paul said he’s remarried. And he has two kids. He didn’t even have a good excuse for not getting in touch with me.” I had to wait a moment for the lump in my throat to subside. “He said he wrote me a couple of letters, but they all came back; I guess since we moved around a lot. Some flimsy excuse.”

  “So he did try to contact you. Although he didn’t pursue it,” Jack said.

  “He says he wants to be part of my life again. He told me to call him when I’m ready, but what would be the point?”

  “Your father made a huge mistake, never coming to find you. But it seems like you’ll lose out as much as he will if you never see him again. Unless he’s just a total bastard.” Jack gave me a questioning look.

  “I don’t think he’s like that. Actually, I don’t know what to think. But I do know,” I said with sudden conviction, “that if I ever did have a child, no force on earth could keep me apart from her.”

  “I feel the same way,” Jack said softly. He reached over and moved a wisp of hair from my face. His hand grazed my cheek, and I met his eyes. Suddenly his mouth was on mine, parting my lips, tentatively and then more demanding as I responded. I put my hands around his neck and pressed myself against him. I wanted to lose myself in physical sensation; to obliviate all the pain of today, of the past ten years. I gasped as Jack pushed up my dress and kissed my breasts. He moved on top of me, his hard body melding into mine. The sensation was ecstasy; his mouth moving from my neck, to my breasts, to my lips.

  Jack stopped and looked into my eyes. “Julia, if this is a one-time thing—”

  Mentally I finished the sentence for him: If this is a one-time thing, that’s fine, but we aren’t getting back together.

  I put my finger to his lips. “No talking.”

  “Are you sure this is what you want?”

  In answer, I pulled him toward me.

  I didn’t wake up until late the next morning. Jack was still asleep beside me. I looked at his dark tangle on the pillow, muscled shoulders tapering to his long, lean waist. Sickened by what I’d allowed myself to do, I quickly got dressed and threw my stuff in the bag. I found my plane ticket and went downstairs to get a cab.

  As I was leaving the hotel, the peanut man was coming in. “Oh, hey,” he said, reaching into his pocket. “Jack gave me this while you were in your meeting, but I felt bad about taking it. Can you give it back to him?” He held out a big wad of cash.

  “I’m sure he’d want you to keep it. He has plenty more.”

  “All right.” He gave me a curious glance. “Looks like you’re leaving. Have a good trip.” He continued toward the lobby, and I got into a taxi. I assumed there’d be no problem changing the flight to an earlier one, and I was right.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Stop Your Sobbing

  “So you slept with him.” Vicky poked her chopstick into the small green mound and swirled it in her soy sauce. “I hate to say it, but that was probably a mistake.” She dipped a piece of sushi and bit into it, then quickly reached for her beer, eyes watering.

  “Of course it was a mistake,” I said. “Are you okay?”

  “Wasabi bomb.” She coughed and took a few more gulps. “Are you going to call him?”

  “So I can have him politely explain that he’s moved on, but best of luck? No thanks.”

  “And you’re really sure that’s what he’d say?” she asked.

  “He started to warn me that he’d sleep with me the one time, but not to expect anything to come of it. I can’t believe I still went ahead with it. I was just so done in by seeing my father.” I put my face in my hands.

  “I can’t believe all that stuff your dad told you. Way to lay it on a person,” Vicky said. “Have you talked to Dot yet?”
<
br />   “I’m gearing up for it,” I said. “She hasn’t called me, which means she’s probably guessed that I know she slept with his best friend.”

  “Gosh, my family’s so boring. All they ever do is argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes.”

  “You’re lucky.” I belted the rest of my sake.

  “I’m just kidding.” Vicky patted my hand. “I thought last fall was intense, but you’ve had it even intenser lately. If that’s a word.”

  I smiled. “It’s not, but you can use it.”

  She speared a piece of ginger with her chopsticks. “I’m probably taking the train to Long Island this Friday. Want to come with me? You could spend the weekend with my parents and kid sister. Have a few exciting rounds of Parcheesi.”

  “Thanks, but I think I’ll stay in town. I have loads to catch up on.”

  Goaded by my conversation with Vicky, I decided to call Dot that night and get it over with. I put down my mug of coffee and dialed the number.

  “How did it go in Richmond?” she asked cautiously.

  “Well, it was very interesting,” I said. “There were a number of surprises. Such as the fact that you and Paul had to get married because you were pregnant with me.”

  Dot exhaled into the phone. “I hoped you’d never find that out. I didn’t want you to think you weren’t wanted, Julia. The timing wasn’t perfect, but we really were happy about having you.”

  “I can just imagine. Having to go to a J.P., and everybody knowing it was a shotgun wedding. Must have been a barrel of laughs.” I twisted the coiled phone cord around my finger.

  “It wasn’t easy at the time, but everything settled down after a while. Pikesville can be judgmental, but we weren’t the first ones to have a baby in less than nine months. People got over it.”

  “But it sounds like Paul never got over you sleeping with his best friend. What was that about, Mom? You left out that little detail.”

  Dot was quiet for a minute. “First of all, I didn’t sleep with him. We just went out a few times. And I was really young. Paul was older than me, and right from the start he was so serious. But I wasn’t at all ready to settle down.”

  “Until I came along, you mean.”

  “Well, yes. Of course that changed everything. Then once I had you, I was glad I did.”

  “But you never would have married him if you weren’t pregnant.” To my mind, it wasn’t even a question.

  She hesitated. “I felt like I had a lot more living to do before I got tied down. So no, probably not.”

  I pictured my mother at twenty; young, fresh, her dreams still intact. “I really ruined your life, didn’t I?”

  “No, you didn’t. It was just different from what I’d planned. But you also made my life better in so many ways. And if Paul ever could have trusted me again, I’d still be with him.” She waited for a beat. “Has he remarried?”

  “Yes. He’s living outside Richmond, working in a factory. And he has two boys, five and seven years old. Which really hurts. All that time he was raising his children down South, he never bothered about me. Except that one time that you didn’t tell me about, when he came up to see me. How could you have not let me know about that?”

  “I guess I should have. And he did write a few letters. I had the postman send them back.”

  My coffee mug shook in my hand. “You did? Why? You knew I was dying to hear from him. I can’t believe you kept that from me!”

  “I was so angry at him for leaving us. I didn’t think he deserved to be part of your life,” she said defiantly.

  Fresh hurt scraped my scabbed-over wounds. “But why didn’t you tell me when I was older? Or all those times I asked if you knew where he was?”

  She sighed. “After a while his letters stopped coming. I didn’t keep his address.”

  “But it would have meant so much to me!” I cried. “I could have forgiven him a little bit, if I knew he’d at least tried to reach me.”

  When she spoke, she sounded utterly defeated. “I guess there are some things you’ll have to forgive me for, too.”

  There was a small crowd by the water cooler. Approaching with my cup, I saw Brenda from accounting in the middle of a clutch of women. She had dark circles under her eyes, but she was smiling beatifically. “Take a look at this gorgeous little one,” Cathy said to me.

  Brenda passed me the picture. The baby had two wisps of auburn hair and an adorable button nose. “Congratulations!” I said, handing it back. “She’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you.”

  “We’re having her baptism this Sunday. I’ve got her the prettiest crocheted Easter dress,” Brenda cooed as the others returned to their offices.

  “How are you feeling now?” I asked in a low voice. Brenda looked confused. “I mean the water retention,” I said. “Have your feet gone back to normal size? And the acid reflux; I assume that’s all better.”

  “Oh, that. I don’t even really remember. Anyway, it was all worth it. I mean, look at her!” She beamed.

  “It definitely was. Well, congrats again!”

  I filled my cup and went back to my desk. Stuart, the head writer for the late-night show, was dropping off the first chapters of the humor book today. Since he was such a live wire over the phone, I was looking forward to meeting him in person.

  But when the receptionist buzzed me, her voice sounded strange. “Stuart is in the lobby. You’d better get out here right away,” she said.

  “What is it?” I asked, but she had hung up. I hurried down the hall toward the lobby. At first I didn’t understand what was happening; a skinny guy in a tee-shirt was running around, darting at what looked like whizzing cotton balls. He picked one up and approached me, cradling a large spotted rabbit in a football hold.

  “Hi, I’m Stuart. I guess my little joke didn’t go over too well,” he said.

  I gasped at the rabbits bounding around the room. “What did you do?”

  “I thought it would be funny to bring you an Easter gift. We’re big on gags at my office. Here, you hold Thomas. Come back here, Peter!” He made a snatch for a big black bunny with tufted ears. The receptionist had put one on her desk, and was trying to keep it from gnawing her pencils.

  Ted came running into the lobby. “Julia! What is this?”

  I made a grab for a flop-ear and just managed to get hold of its hind legs, which were surprisingly strong. I hefted it up and held it against me as it struggled. “Ted, meet Stuart. Stuart wanted to play a little Easter prank. He says they do this all the time at their office,” I added as the rabbit kicked maniacally in my arms.

  “Matthew, come back here!” Stuart shouted as he darted after a gray ball of fluff. “They’re named after the apostles. Why don’t you catch him, I’ll try to nab Judas,” he added to Ted.

  “Okay,” Ted said as he took off down the hall. “I was on the track team at Harvard!”

  An hour later, we’d rounded up all the rabbits and sent them packing with Stuart. I was still catching my breath at my desk when my line lit up.

  “Ms. Nash. I hear we had a rodent infestation on your floor.” Perry sounded apoplectic.

  “I’m so sorry! I had no idea he was going to do that,” I said.

  “I hope you realize that if word got out, we could lose our lease. The landlord’s been trying to get rid of us for the past four years.”

  I gulped. “I don’t think anyone will tell. It was just me, Ted, Stuart, and the receptionist. And the bunnies.” I stifled a nervous snicker.

  “Hmph. See that it doesn’t happen again.” Perry slammed down the phone.

  The one good thing I did that week—other than not get fired—was to send Dermot’s novella back to him. It was covered in so many red marks, it looked like it had been drawn and quartered. I was a little anxious about his reaction to the heavy editing, since I knew people tended to tiptoe around him. But I had to get it into the best shape possible in the little time we had left. I figured if he didn’t like my comments, he could always
have another go with Erica.

  I was sitting in my open window in a tank top and cutoffs, trying to catch a late afternoon breeze, watching the lights change from red to green further down Broome Street. Now that it was mid-May, New York was experiencing its own early heat wave. In an attempt to keep my electric bill down, I’d been trying not to run my window unit. Feeling too lethargic to move, I almost didn’t answer the phone. Finally I grabbed it on the fourth ring.

  “Somebody wants to say hello.” There was a rustling sound, and I heard heavy panting. Jack’s voice came back on the line. “Muddy really misses you. Why don’t you come over and see him? We can share custody.”

  I was hit by a longing to hold my dog. I’d missed his excitement at going out for a run; the way he listened as if he understood every word. “Could I take him for a walk?”

  “I’ll have him leashed and ready. Want to meet me here?” Jack asked.

  I didn’t want to go up to his apartment. “I’ll wait outside your building.”

  “Can you come now? He’s going crazy, now that he’s heard your voice.”

  “Sure, I’m not doing anything. I’d like a little fresh air; it’s stifling.” I lifted a corner of my tank and wiped my sweaty face.

  “What do you have on?” Jack’s voice deepened.

  “Um, a tank top and cutoffs. Why?”

  “Leave that on, okay? Don’t change a thing. I’m wearing cutoffs too,” he added.

  “All right, I won’t change. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

  “Good boy! Good Muddy!” I knelt on the sidewalk and hugged our puppy, who’d gotten even bigger in the weeks since I’d last seen him. Muddy put his paws on my shoulders and licked my face ecstatically. I was laughing and crying at the same time. “Hey, boy. It’s so good to see you,” I murmured into his furry neck.

  Jack extended his hand and pulled me up as Muddy ran circles around us, trailing the leash behind him. Jack held onto my hand for a moment longer, and my smile faded as our eyes locked. He broke away first, bent down and picked up the leash. He stood up slowly, taking in my short cutoffs, my thin white tank. “You didn’t change your outfit.” His face had a glazed look that I knew well. It doesn’t mean anything, I reminded myself. He’s probably thinking we can run upstairs for a quick one-off, like that time in Richmond.